Uncontained Chaos

The Ex Factor Part Dos...

2008-11-24T06:41:00.003-10:00

My new and improved husband has told me that his ex wife was slightly evil. I sorta blew that off as "Ex Anger". Turns out, there is some truth in what he tells me. This weekend my fabulous step children told their daddy that their mommy told them that *I* was evil...to not take anything I tried to give them...because I would try to poison them. That since Carson is on medication, they need to "watch out--she'll try to give YOU his pills..." Can you believe that?

When he* told me this, I was LIVID! I wanted to scratch her eyes out. Then I realized. SHE is the one poisoning them. Children are NOT stupid. They know that I love them DEARLY. That I would NEVER do anything to hurt them. And two of them already know she is..."off". All of her "stunts" only highlight the truth. But she is scary too--and the kids are scared of her. Sad, huh?

I'm sad for the kids. Heck, I'm even sad for HER--how messed up, jealous and sexually deprived do you have to be to say those things to your 12, 10, 9 and 5 year old children!?? Does she think she will drive a wedge between him* and I? Because this behaviour only makes him ask me to marry him all over again... And we do get several good laughs out of her paranoia.

So, I'm still praying for her--tho it was hard the night I found out she had told the kids I was an "evil woman who wants to poison them". But I will continue to pray she gets help. That her rotten mind and decayed heart are healed. And that she gets a good dose of male delivered orgasms. I think she will really feel better then. May help her disposition.

Show Me The Money...AKA Cutting Off The Internet Due To Lack Of Funds...

2008-11-21T09:40:00.004-10:00

Yep. It has come to this. I know I am not the only person is the US of A having a hard time financially. I know how blessed I really am. I have a house (until the 1st--when I have no rent $$). I have my physical health (we aren't talking about my mental health today). I have the love of him* and of Him. My kids are beautiful, healthy and smart.

But money *does* sorta make the world go 'round, doesn't it? It would make my car go too--my gas light is coming on. Even at $1.84 per gallon I'm having a hard time. The other day I went to see my shrink for meds. Luckily, I qualified for a little financial assistance. I only had to buy ONE prescription that day--and it was on the $4.00 Wal-Mart list of prescription drugs. But I literally had to lift the floor mats of my car to come up with enough change to make $4.00.

My 3 year old isn't potty trained yet. I don't want to think about WHY he isn't (but it would go something like this: The divorce is the reason. He's rebelling. Or he's a TURKEY--stubborn...surely not *my* fault). I decided this week to potty train him and the main reason is because I don't have the money for pull-ups or diapers. Sad, huh?

So, we've decided that until we get me employed and we get caught up on any delinquent (baha) bills...we're shutting down cable/Internet. We mainly read to each other or watch dvds anyway. Tho the kids will miss TV the most. We let them lay on the pull out couch and watch Discovery TV (Man vs Wild with Bear Grylls) every weekend.

So, this may be my last post for awhile--at least until I find where all the free wifi around town is...

The Ex Factor...

2008-11-20T06:47:00.002-10:00

I was married for 19 years to my ex husband. The divorce itself wasn't "nice", but we do get along now. He pays me my equity check on time. I watch the kids extra for him several times per month. I call him if Caden shows progress at potty training. I call him on "report card" day to give him the low down... we get along.

My husbands (Sweets) ex, on the other hand... well, she's not so nice. It infuriates her to see me. Even worse if their kids are around and pay *me* attention. Take basketball practice for example:

Sweets is coaching basketball for his oldest son this year and signed the 2 girls up for basketball also. I went to practice Tuesday--and while Sweets was on the court with J*... The girls came and sat by me, played with me, all while "the MOTHER" watched. Today she called and told Sweets "You know, if you just gave me full custody you wouldn't even have to pay child support"... She got the response most Fathers would give...which was specific directions to a very warm climate.

She is a very bitter, angry person. And honestly, I believe she is jealous. Jealous that he has moved on and found happiness. AND that her children like me. I prayed for her yesterday. Prayed that God would thaw out her frozen heart. That he would allow her to find some tiny bit of happiness--somewhere. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to pray for her more than once. Sigh...

Got any advice? I need to stay calm. Because I've dreamed of meeting her in a dark alley...don't think that's the way to go.

Can I Just Say...?

2008-11-19T03:55:00.002-10:00

Thank you for loving me. All the time. Even when it's the wee hours of the morning...and you really don't want to, but you know I will pout all day if you don't. So you do it anyway. I promise to do it for you someday--later today if ya want...

A Trip And A Stumble Down Memory Lane...

2008-11-19T03:04:00.002-10:00

Remember my divorce a few months back? Ahhh, yes. A lovely time in my life. Well, it also was the "day I lost insurance"...

Some of you know, because you KNOW me. Some of you know because you read between the crooked-as-hell lines. And some of you don't know: that I am Bipolar. BOO! Scare ya? Anyways. I'm on several medications that keep me from killing myself and sometimes from killing others (sometimes). One of those medications cost $347 per month with no insurance. Yeah. That's just one of them. I can't financially afford to be sane. I keep waiting for the check to come down from B. Obama. I mean, I am the poor... but alas, my mailbox only contains bills.

So, yesterday I went and visited my old crazy friends down at the local NUT HUT (where I spent some quality time back in 2005). I had to apply for ASSistance from the good ole government. Boy, was I proud. I get a lump in my throat the size of Texas just thinking about it. It took me 2 hours to fill out paperwork, sign my 9th kid away and convince them I was not in danger of going manic OR depressive...at the moment.

I got a 30 minute lecture on how important it would be to go to ALL my appointments. Take ALL my meds. Be able to pass a RANDOM drug test at any moment. I had to swear I wasn't wanted by the law. That I was really a "good" girl. I was so ashamed. I have gone to ALL my psychiatrist appointments in the past. I am not the most compliant on my meds--but that is usually because I can't afford them. I haven't ingested any illegal drugs since a few vicodin in 2005. And I have NEVER been arrested. Geez. I felt like a skid row Bitch. I am a good girl, I'm just crazy. But in a GOOD way. hee hee.

While sitting in the waiting room I met a young lady (I say young only because she was younger than me--or maybe she wasn't, I dunno) who was looking for a new doctor. Hers had choked to death on a piece of meat at a Pharmaceutical Convention. Is that not both the saddest and freaky thing you ever heard?? I mean, I'm sure there was SOMEONE who knew the Heimlich Maneuver...surely? I just can't stop thinking about this one... wow. Surely there were DOCTORS there?? Someone trained in CPR? Anybody? Whew. Wow. Can't seem to let this one go.

Anywhoo. I am now on the government dole. Today I get to go back to the NUT HUT and see my doctor. Listen to him grip about the fact that I haven't had my blood work done. Which is funny considering I don't like to get it done because of needles. Yet I used to donate plasma twice a week and the needle for that is the size of a McDonalds straw. But I got PAID for that, people!! Too bad you can't be on "crazy" meds and donate plasma. That was $200 per month to lay there and read a book.

So, sitting down at "the Center" was like walking back into time. People were behind the glass for their safety. People were screaming because they were only 45 minutes late--"Whaddya mean I canna see ma ducker?!!" People were hiding in the waiting room behind cell phones, magazines and their cabbage patch dolls. It was good ole fun.

If anyone gets their check from the President Elect...let me know, I need it.

Pardon The Interruption...

2008-11-15T17:47:00.002-10:00

I live in East Texas. I'm a girl. Or female. I have blonde hair. It is longish--and tho not my natural hair color--it USED to be, until I started popping out kids.

So...this is to tell you: I'm not really a sports fan. My ex was a HUGE Cowboys fan. I knew when they played. But that's about it. I ate a hamburger within "personal space" with Tom Landry back in 1989ish. But that's it. I went to EVERY basketball game that my High School played. Both Home and Away games. But only because my Uncle, who hung the moon and raised me, was a huge High School fan. That and the players were all cute.

But, *this* husband. He likes sports waaay more than he led on while dating. There is always a game on. Football. Basketball. or Sports related shows. Pardon The Interruption. On ESPN. Not so bad. The guys are funny. I try to watch. I do.

But the show is indeed interrupting. My love life. When your man comes home--and you are smelling good. Hair is beautiful as it gets, legs shaved smooth...and you're braless and wearing cute pj's AND there are NO CHILDREN in the house... NOT a good idea to plop down and turn on PTI. And don't suggest TiVo. We got it.

So, Tony from PTI...you aren't the foreplay I was looking for...tho you are FUNNY as all get out.

Dead, Naked Chickens...

2008-11-14T09:39:00.002-10:00

I have a son who causes me more joy than one person should be allowed to enjoy. He is my most loving, sweet child...and yet he is my child who causes hairs to go kinky and gray.

Yesterday I made a grave error in planning and plotting my day. This became evident when I realized AFTER picking up the kids from school...I had to run by the store (eerie, horror movie music should be envisioned here). This is most certainly NOT a good idea. Not with my kids. After school. When they are tired, hungry and in need of SpongeBob!

I needed some chicken. I had everything at home I needed for dinner--but the chicken. After we enter the store and I throw one child into the buggy and screech that the others should "hold ONTO the buggy", some stoopid clerk gets on the loudspeaker "Attention Shoppers. Santa Claus has just entered the store! Come on by the Photography Lab and have your picture taken with Santa!" It was a conspiracy against me. We drove fast and furiously AWAY from the photo lab. With promises of M&M's when we leave.

Once we are at the meat counter, I'm checking out the boneless, skinless variety. The all breast area. I'm a "boob" girl myself. But Carson has wandered (yep, he took his hands off that buggy!!) down a little further. He's admiring the WHOLE chickens. And then he yells out for all to hear: "Momma!! You have GOT to come here!! These chickens are DEAD! AND NAKED!!"

I am most certain that the entire meat department went home and told this story. How do I know?? I left them laying on the floor, legs in the air...holding their sides, laughing their butts off. I hope they all had dead, naked chicken for dinner too.

PS: Carson ate Frosted Flakes...he doesn't like chicken, unless it's in 'nugget' form.

Morning Madness...

2008-11-14T03:13:00.002-10:00

I am allergic to morning. I need a good 30-45 minutes to myself to convince myself "It's a beautiful morning..." That doesn't always happen. And people who hop out of bed smiling and laughing and talking? They are evil.

My children are allergic to morning also. They are grumpy. They find fault with breakfast. Even if it's their beloved pancakes. They hate the clothes I laid out for them. This one needs their clothes 'fresh and warm' from the dryer. This one needs "SpongeBob" underwear. This one ALWAYS wants a PINK shirt. That one has 'sock' issues. If the seam on the toes isn't juuuuuuust right--disaster. No one wants to brush their teeth. Or take their meds. Comb their hair.

But give us 30 minutes. We all come together. Our eyes clear. Or voices soften.

Until then? Leave me alone.

PS: That new guy that gave me his last name? He is allergic to morning too. But I think he needs medication. ;)

Confession Of A Murderess...

2008-11-11T13:00:00.002-10:00

I'm pretty sure I'm a murderer. I'm almost certain of it. Today, the love of my life went to work really early, like he normally does. I got up at 7AM, got dressed and went to the grocery store--to buy food--being as we had NONE.

I hurried so I could beat *him* home--I knew he was coming back by the house for coffee and breakfast. I fed him well and sent him on his way. Then I snuck out of the house and away from my wifely chores to hang out with a girl friend all day.

I got home just in time to clean this, clean that, fold this and put that away. Then I remembered: I hadn't fed or watered the parrots today. Or uncovered them.

Yeah. Apparently they didn't appreciate my neglect. They are dead. And it's all my fault. I felt so sick to my stomach (still do). I covered them back up IMMEDIATELY. As soon as I saw them laying on the floor of their cage. And I don't want to be near them. *He* won't be here for another hour or so. I had to tell him over the phone. I don't like giving him bad news.

Yesterday we had such a good day. He was off. I was off (still jobless). We had no children to listen to, entertain... we concentrated on each other. And now...today.
I sure know how to ruin a mood huh? I feel a beer in my future--but I'm trapped in my bedroom--held hostage by the dead bodies of George and Mandy.

Hopefully they are screeching their heads off in parrot heaven. With toys to play with, Cheetos to nibble and a few sips of stolen wine. And I hope *he* doesn't hold me too responsible. It wasn't like it was premeditated. Tho, I did threaten Mandy with a nice BBQing a few times when she tied to bite me. I guess I won't be getting that orange kitten I asked for, for Christmas... sigh.

I Need To Ask For A Freakin' "Parenting Raise"...

2008-11-08T13:05:00.002-10:00

Today I attempted to parent 7 kids...well, 8. But the 8th one slept all day, so she doesn't count.

I drive a Toyota Camry. Yeah, they seat FIVE. So... until we buy that short bus and paint "Honk If You Love Jesus" all over it--I have them all to myself, in my 3 bedroom crap box, on Saturdays.

One of my new step children has diabetes. Like "give yourself a shot of insulin" diabetes. Yeah. Like, this is serious stuff. I didn't take that class. So, I made specific (or so I thought) requests that he come to my house with EVERYTHING he needed. Oh, wait...did you see that pretty butterfly float by? What was I saying? Forget half his stuff? Okay. No problem...

And THEN to top it off... When he actually *NEEDED* his "stuff"? I broke all protocols and procedures in who to call--who NOT to call... who to talk to, who NOT to talk to... So, basically I feel assless at the moment. Chewed out by 2 men in my life whom I thought...well, who I respect. Now I just feel: clueless AND assless. Incompetent. I'm sure CPS will be called any moment.

I can GUARANTEE you this: I will have EVERYTHING he needs, plus alcohol (for me) before the next visit. And I will call NO ONE--except 911 when he falls into a coma.

And I am demanding a raise. This shit ain't worth all the ass chewing...

He Likes Me, He Likes Me, He Really, Really Likes Me...

2008-11-05T05:24:00.002-10:00

Last night my phone rang. I opened it before looking to see who it was.

Me: Hello?

Him: Hello?

Me: ummm, hello?

Him: Is this Martie S*?

Me: Why, yes, yes it is! Is this Jimmy S*? (my 12 year old stepson)

We laugh and then he tells me that his 6 baby rabbits died. We talked about how rabbits can have babies really quick--and that next time we will bring momma and babies inside out of the cold (they froze to death). Then we get ready to hang up...

Me: well, Ok. I guess I'll see you on Friday when your Dad brings you over...OK? I love you.

Him: OK! I love you too!!

Sniff. Sniff. Does it get much better? I mean MY kids sorta *have* to love me... I gave birth to em and all. THESE kids CHOSE to love me. They chose to love ME! ME! wow. And boy! Boy, do I have them fooled... hee hee.

Virgin Voter...

2008-11-05T02:51:00.002-10:00

Ok, time to come clean. I registered to vote in 2002. That's right. I was 34. I only did it because all it took was a check mark on a drivers liscense renewal slip.

Pardon the interruption... I glanced over at the television and threw up a tiny bit in my mouth. I really hoped I would have my TV back this morning...

I did NOT vote in the 2004 election. I didn't really care one iota regarding politics. I had 3 kids and was pregnate with #4. My husband at the time had NO political interest either.

THIS was my first presidential election to participate in. I never stood on a soap box. I didn't go door to door with political tracts or even steal signs from my neighbors yard... I didn't blog my beliefs here or talk about them in line at the grocery store. But I picked a guy. Based on what *I* thought. And I really wanted to see what he could do.

Oh well. Guess I'll just wait and see what THIS guy does. But if every single time he speaks I have to hear his voice echo 'god' like--I will hurl.

Proof That Anyone Could Die Any Day...

2008-11-04T09:37:00.002-10:00

A few weeks ago I ran into a former coworker while pumping gas. I hadn't seen him in about 9 months or so. We hugged. We talked. He begged me to come back to work at the doctor's office we worked at together in 2004-2005.

Yesterday I applied at ANOTHER doctor's office and gave them my former employer as reference. They asked me if I had heard the news....

"S" had died. Just days after I had met him at the gas station. I was shocked. My eyes filled with tears. How? What? Why?

I called my former employer to find out what had happened and to let them know I was thinking of the office as a whole. This would be a huge blow to them. He had worked there longer than anyone. He was the only male in the office other than the 5 doctors. He was a father figure to many and friend to others.

That was when I found out that he had died as a result of a self inflicted gunshot.

Wow. I really don't know what to say. I'll miss you "S". Alot of people will. Bless your troubled soul. May you rest in peace.

There's A Long Way To Go And A Short Time To Get There...

2008-11-04T03:05:00.002-10:00

Smokey and the Bandit. Remember that one?

Yesterday Carson (6) said to me: Mom. Mom! Don't forget to vote tomorrow.

Me: Baby, I already voted. I voted before J and I got married.

Carson: Who did you vote for? Well? Who??!! I *need* to know!!

Me: Carson. When you vote it's private. I don't have to tell anyone.

Carson: But I have to wait until I'm 18--and I need to know NOW what team I need to be wanting to win...

Another Carsonism...

Carson: Mom, look at this. A little moth on my hand. Can I keep it for a pet?

Martie: Carson, it will die soon.

Carson: Why? I'm careful. Is it because a moth is just a tired, old, faded butterfly?

Martie: Something like that...

Claudia turned 8 on November 1st. Can't believe they are growing so fast.

The Honeymoon In Pictures (Part II)...

2008-11-01T13:09:00.003-10:00

PS: Beale St. in Memphis, TN was awesome. Silky O'Sullivans. The Flying Saucer. Coyote Ugly Saloon. BB King Bar. And so many more... Good BBQ. Good beer. Good hot wings. Good music. Good laughs. sigh. Can't wait to go back!!

The Honeymoon In Pictures (Part I)...

2008-11-01T13:02:00.002-10:00

PS: Are you sensing a theme here? But I promise there was no over indulging but we did vote twice at the Flying Saucer...

The Wedding In Pictures...

2008-11-01T12:54:00.002-10:00

PS: Imagine I look 20lbs lighter--that's what I do.

Walking In Memphis...

2008-10-28T03:26:00.002-10:00

Tonight my groom and I will stay at the Peabody in Memphis. Our last night of honeymooning before heading home to our trailer park box. Our new house won't be ready for another few weeks.

We've had a blast the last few days. Met some of his family here in Tennessee. Met people he went to high school with... kids he grew up with on his street. Walked thru the woods looking for a lake that no longer exists. And it was sweet. I loved every second of it.

Went to an out of the way, tiny winery. Drank every wine they make--and bought 6 bottles to take home--and a souvenir for my sister...hee hee.

So, tonight is the finale. But don't worry, we'll go out with a bang.

..."these are the best days of my life..."

I Had Me Some Testicles Today...

2008-10-21T16:51:00.003-10:00

This post was actually penned a week ago--but I had a humongous brain fart and lost my ability to log ont this blog thingy. But here it is now:

Today I grew huge testicles. And then I "manned up", took care of business and then, I'll admit it...I fondled them a little before giving them back.

I quit my job today. I did. I went in there and resigned, effective immediately. Well, I hugged a few kids, told them I loved them, cried a few tears AND then quit. I also hugged a Mom and whispered in her ear "I just quit". Her response? "Oh shit!"

It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I'll miss those kids. I'll miss 73% of the people I worked with. The others? They can kiss my smooth, soft ass. I've got another job. Well, sorta. I've been told the job is mine. I just have to go down, apply and pass the background check. It's really a sucky job. But they have insurance. And it works for me hour wise and child care wise. Plus...no kids. Heck, really not many adults either. Alot of "alone with my MP3 player" time. No phones. So, it works for now.

Last Friday I ran into a guy who works at the opthamologists office that I used to work for. He was thrilled to see me and literally begged me to go back to work there. That made me think "I AM worth *something*". I'm not a bragger, but every job Ive ever had, when I left I was told "You are always welcome back". I work hard. So, it was all the incentive I needed to quit. So I did. And within hours I had a new job--without even trying. When these things (quitting/losing your job) happen... you find out who your friends are. I have friends. Good ones.

If something good happens to you--pay it forward. Life is all about Karma. I've been watching all the "My Name Is Earl" episodes (never watched it before last week)...Earl Hickey is on to something. Good things happen to good people. So, don't forget the guy next to you. All he may need is a kind word or a gentle smile.

PS: Someone I know went to court today. Subpoenaed. It all ended well. No perjury was committed (deeeep sigh...small chuckle).

Feel Free To Jump Off A Bridge...

2008-10-19T14:04:00.002-10:00

This is MY blog. You are free to come here, read it. Giggle with me or AT ME.

You are free to comment. If you say anything I don't like I get to delete it. If *I* say anything YOU don't like: Don't come back. Orrrrrrr, feel free to jump off a bridge. Choices. Make one.

His Stalker...

2008-10-18T10:52:00.004-10:00

So. My ex husband.

I just found out a few weeks ago that he is dating our 7 year old daughters best friends MOTHER. While she was married, living with and hadn't told...her husband. She may be an angel. I mean, after all, per the EX she has never smoked, drank or cussed. Never mind that she was having an affair (IS, IS having an affair) with someone 20 years older than she is. Poor girl.

Anyways, The EX calls me the other day...

EX: "I'm being videoed."

Me: "Wha???" I thought he might have been referring to a sex tape or something...

EX: "Her husbands SISTER is following me all over town, taping me."

Me: "How do ya know for sure?"

EX: "Because 2 different strangers at 2 different places came up to me and told me there was some woman crouched down behind the building and she had a camera."

Me: "Then, yeah. You are being videoed. Make sure your fly is up and you don't have anything stuck in your teeth. Wave! You'll look friendlier that way."

EX: "We have a call into her attorney (The same one he had in OUR divorce). We're getting a restraining order."

Me: "Good to know. Sounds scary for you."

This could get messy. Think of all the future episodes I could relate to you. This is gonna be sorta fun. In a sick demented way. Hahahahahaha!

On The Mend Of The Mind...

2008-10-16T15:13:00.003-10:00

Ok, I am so tired. So this will ramble and make no sense to anyone, unless they have a brain deficiency, sorta like mine.

I didn't go to sleep yesterday. It was 1AM this morning. This was partly my fault. But I can't tell you how and keep my PG13 rating. I only got about 4 hours sleep. Because of the auditory hallucinations (buzzzzz, buzzzz, buzzzzzzzz) and the 17 yr old who came home at 3AM--I forgot to leave the storm door unlocked.

Today was evil at work. I had 14 three year olds on some sort of speed. One who had "bathroom" issues...and had corn for dinner last night. Please tell me you don't need more info. My boss, who pretends to be a bible quoting Christian... isn't so much of a Christian. Go figure.

Needless to say, without saying it all, that I will be job hunting as soon as I get home from the honeymoon. A job with insurance benefits would be best. Hell, WalMart almost looks good. And I heard FedEx was looking for delivery drivers. I look good in navy shorts. But I'll probably look into one of the local Health care Monstrosities. In either a clinic or hospital. I have patient services experience (check in/out, insurance verification, medical billing, medical records and scheduling). And the insurance package is the shizzle--I know, since "the ex" works for this hospital also...but as a respiratory therapist/nurse irritant. And I lose my benefits next Saturday. The minute I marry Sweets--no insurance for me. And Sweets doesn't have insurance either. He does have health care--he gets his health taken care of--he just has to pay full price for it!

My meds are working. I do not hear fluorescent lights going out... or people opening the storm door. I have all my clothes on. Right side out. I had bfast and lunch today. I'm talking at my normal 200 mph now. I still feel really hot. Not "nipple tweaking" hot... but "I am about to burst into flames and burn up" hot.

I have a dress to wear to my wedding, shoes, a cake, flowers (picked out) and when Sweets finds someone who has "the power vested" in them--we can REALLY get married. Because if he can't find a minister/pastor or justice of the peace to drive out to the sticks--our ceremony will be performed by white ducks who reside on the pond or my 7 year old daughter...who is a smarty pants.

Monday we will pick up the marriage license. Hope I don't have to show that I can perform wifely duties while parallel parking. We picked up his wedding band a few nights ago. Is a size 11 finger big? It's too big for my thumb. I haven't tried it on my big toe--yet. It just seems big to me. I mean, it fits his finger--but ELEVEN? Oh well. He's 6'1" (or 2)--maybe that's normal. Normal? Do *I* want normal? Nah.

OK, just read this and I'm still a little "off" sounding--more so than usual for me. So, before I tell you things that will make *you* blush and *me* ready to beat the latest record...

G'night. Sweets will be home soon. Kids are in bed, near sleep. And I hear a glass of wine calling my name.

Manic/Depressive Imbecile...

2008-10-15T08:45:00.002-10:00

Why does it never seep into my brain that STRESS + no sleep + not eating right + maybe running out of a med or two will = manic/depressive episodes?

I have meds. I'm going to bed AND to sleep at a decent hour (as in 'before tomorrow'). I will eat lunch AND dinner tonight. I will...relax.

So...

Tomorrow you will be returned to your regularly scheduled program. Without the mania. The hot flashes. The 500 mph speech patterns and without the tears. AND I will be properly and thoroughly dressed.

Wedding Stress?...

2008-10-13T13:49:00.006-10:00

I will marry soon. Very soon. Like, less than 2 weeks soon. I haven't a dress yet (really not worried), my sister's handling the cake. Duncan Hines would've been fine with me. Am I really stressed? Nahhhh. I'm 40 years old. And I have only now, literally met the man of my dreams. And probably the man of a few others dreams too (sorry chica...)!

But I am also a realist. As perfect as he is for me--there are flaws too. Flaws I see. Flaws that only he has--flaws that he shares with his species (why can't men put paper on the roll?). Flaws that I don't see now, but I'm sure I will later. And you know what? They only make me love him more. Because they make him HIM. And I love him. Warts and all. I love the silly accents he uses while reading to me--or to the kids. Whether he's reading the Bible to me or Hank The Cow Dog to them. Or The Hobbit to his kids. I love how silly he looks when he first wakes up--like a lost boy. I love that he is smart. That he texts song lyrics to me--obscure ones...ones only we seem to get. I love that he is a procrastinator. That he forgets where he left his checkbook. That he doesn't watch much TV. That he forgets to clean the bird cage--after he told me he would (If he reads this he knows this is *my* sweet way of saying that I would love it MORE if he would DO IT!).I love that he is political (even tho I am not). I love that his ideas don't always match mine--and that his way isn't always "right" and mine isn't "wrong". I love that he doesn't mind if there is laundry on the couch. The chair. The dresser. The bed. That we move the pile from one spot to the next until that pile is gone and a new one takes its place. I love that he brings me flowers--for no other reason than that he thinks I'm having a bad day. I love the way his hands look on me. The way he looks at me--and just...*looks* at me. I love the way he makes me know--that even if things are going to be bad--they are going to be OK.

So, the thought of marrying him doesn't stress me. The opposite. He is my rock. My one constant. Nothing feels...*righter* than marrying him. Sometimes I only wish I had met him sooner--but then we wouldn't have been right for each other. We had travels to go. Players to meet. Ways to grow and lessons to learn. NOW is our time. And everything up until now was only to get me ready for this. Practice. To see how to play this part--and the way to do it? Don't play. I get to be ME this time. And I get loved for it. Because I know that he loves me--and all my flaws too.

I can't wait to be his forever--actually, I already am.

So, no worrying about me (those who are). Be happy for me. Be sick of me telling you how wonderful he is--I promise, he's a man--he has dirty underwear in the floor...he has yucky "man" habits. He snores. He hogs the bed. The covers. Leaves hair in the sink. The lid off the toothpaste. The air set on 70* when he leaves the house. He gets "moody" and hurts my feelings. He eats all the bacon. He isn't perfect. But he's perfect for ME. And he loves ME. And for the first time in my life-- I love someone for WHO they are--the whole person. Not for who I think they will BE.

We will marry at his parents house. On their property, near the pond...a morning wedding. All 8 kids in the wedding. Our only attendants are the kids. They want it that way and so do we. Small wedding. And a quick get away--a trip to Memphis/Nashville. I wish you all could come.

This is the beginning of 'happily ever after'...

PS: He looks out for me too. He knows how important it is that I take my meds. He knows all about *that* ugly part of me. Remember, he even educated himself on it... He wants me healthy and happy too. He LOVES me. He makes me feel like I matter to him. Never had that before. He TELLS me that I matter to him. He shows me. Who could ask for more than that?

Calie, My First Baby...

2008-10-10T09:49:00.003-10:00

Now she is all grown up. All 100 pounds of her. Can NOT believe she is a senior this year. We literally grew up together--and we still are (growing up together). I made this!! And it amazes me...

My Very Own Bed In...

2008-10-10T09:31:00.005-10:00

A few days ago, one of my favorite bloggers, Black Hockey Jesus, wrote about he and his wife staying home, in bed all day, "pantless". BHJ is on my blogroll, over *there* >>>>>> The name of his blog is The Wind In Your Vagina.

Since I've had a monster headache for 5 days--I picked Friday for my "bed in". I got me some Imitrex, Vicodin and beer. I covered the damn parrots and pulled the sofa bed out. Piled the bed with every pillow in the house, turned on the TV, popped pills, swigged beer. And slept for 3 hours. Still have the headache--but its small. Managable. And I found a gem. Today BHJ reviewed a book. By Andrea Askowitz. The name of the book? My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy.

Go buy it. And buy me one too. I am overdrawn again.

Day 4. I Can't Take Much More...

2008-10-09T08:17:00.003-10:00

Head still aching. Throbbing. Pulsating. Making my jaw tight. My eyes hurt. I want to climb in a dark, cold closet. With several vicodin and several alcoholic beverages. Except I feel a little sick to my stomache too.

I need to clean my house. I need to do laundry. I need to mow my yard. Clean the parrots cage--THEY don't even want to be in there anymore. I neeeeed to play with my kids. My real kids...not those brats I *teach* every day. THEY are getting on my lassssst nerve. I had 13 Tuesday by myself. This morning I had 15 by myself. I told the front desk that if I didn't get help ASAP--I was walking out the door and SHE could take 'em. She took my 3 youngest and my 3 oldest--and left me with the 9 worst ones. Gah.

I have chewed the top layer off the right side of my tounge. Which makes me want to worry with it even more. I havent shaved in 5 days (that is HIGHLY unusual for me). I feel gross. Look gross. Act gross.

One of my 3 yr olds in my class is suddenly pulling her pants down at nap time (WTF??). And raising her shirt. I have NOOOOO idea why. But it stresses me. Worries me. She wants to take ballet. I told her ballet dancers dont act like that (another kind of dancer does tho). But this afternoon I have to tell Mom. NOT looking forward to that. Parents can be funny sometimes. Sometimes, not so funny.

Pretty sure the ex is having a midlife crisis. It's sad. Mainly for my kids. One of whom knows about it all. THAT is the saddest part.

We are getting sheetrock in our house RIGHT NOW!! It is beginning to REALLY look like a house. I noticed there didn't seem to be plumbing for a dishwasher... HE was shocked and flabergasted. I told him "no problem. We'll just have Claudia, C and V as our dishwashers." He better be glad he said "Oh we WILL have a dishwasher!!" Cause I was NOT kidding about child labor...I had to wash dishes when I had 3 kids--one in a sippy cup, the other on the bottle. I got on my knees, fist raised in the air and said "As God is my witness...I will NEVER hand wash dishes again!!"

If I wake up tomorrow with this headache--I will take my kids to school--call in sick...go to Direct Care and get a shot to knock my ass out. Oh, and my headache out. This is ridiculous. Sednd me "go away headache" vibes. They look like this ">>>>>**@**<<<<<"

Wow. I Wanna Be A Muse When I Grow Up...

2008-10-09T08:06:00.003-10:00

I saw this. Doesn't it make ya wanna be a muse???** This is hot stuff in my book--and my book isn't thick or full of lofty ideas or politics. But *this*? THIS sends me...

"For my muse . . .

Then Spring Came

Summer came and went
Autumn leaves were spent
Yellow, red, and gold,
Pain, remorse untold
Upon the ground were spread.
"Come with me," you said.
Then spring came."

**I AM his muse. But feel oh, so undeserving of this.

The Mother Of All Headaches...

2008-10-07T15:25:00.007-10:00

I've had an awful headache for 2 days. I thought it was a regular ole headache. Then my 17 (18 in January) daughter asked me to bring home a home pregnancy test. The headache got bigger. It was negative. But my headache didn't get smaller.

Found out that my ex husband is dating a ** year old AND a married 25 year old (FYI: HE is 45). My headache got bigger. My 17 year old is disappointed. Disgusted. As am I. She wants her Dad back--not the hormone ridden teenager she is living with.

My sweet, ADHD baby had a great week last week. But this week has already started off bad. He sat in OCS all day today for threatening to "cut" himself in school. And for throwing a two year old temper tantrum over having to put away his crayons. The headache grows.

I'm getting married on October 25th. Of this year. Like, less than 3 weeks. I don't have a place or minister to marry me. A dress. My kids clothes. A few flowers. Invitations. A cake. My head hurts.

The house he is building will not be ready after we marry. Not for a few weeks more. Where will we live? Here? The RV? His parents? Throb. Throb. My eyes. My cheeks. My teeth. All hurt.

I'm eating less. But gaining weight. My eyes became very itchy and swollen last night. Every day is a bad hair day. I can't get control of my house. Clothes are everywhere. I haven't seen the top of my dining room table in weeks. Something smells in here--and I can't find it. I suspect it's a sippy cup with milk in it... sigh. My head. My head. My aching head.

Today I had 13 three year olds on crack. BY MYSELF. And no liquor available. I was spit on. Told NO! NO! NO! Cleaned up 4 "accidents" in their pants. Suffered through a food fight. It took everything I had not to lock them all in the closet. My head is about to explode. I wanted to run from my classroom. Screaming...but it would only make my head ache more.

Then, I was offered 2 vicodin. I took 'em. Both. Two 750's. The pain is still there. sigh.

And now the debate is knocking on my head too. I need a gun.

Suspended 6 Year Old...? For Being ADHD...

2008-10-02T08:01:00.003-10:00

Last Friday I had been at work for 45 minutes when I was called to the the front desk for a phone call. It was the school. The Principal. Calling to tell me that my boy had punched another kid (with a fist) in the eye. And he was suspended. For the day.

When I got there, Carson was sitting in the office. So happy to see me. He kept asking "Mom. Mom! Why am I in here?" I finally got on my knees and faced him. I asked him to tell me what happened. Eventually he said "That boy was aggravating me and calling me names. So I hit him." Before he could get it all out the Principal said "I don't believe that Mom. He lies to us allll the time." I bristled. He may lie--but do you have to say it in front of him? He has already told me that his teacher thinks he is stupid. He hears all the labels. Stupid. Bad. Now Liar.

His teacher was called down to the Principals office to "tell me what he said yesterday". His teacher had walked out of her room. Leaving 19 kids in there. A few wondered out loud where she was. Carson said "She's dead. I killed her." The Principal looked at me (Oh! Carson said he didn't say the "I killed her" part) and said "If I was a paddling person, I'd have been using it today". THAT was the straw that broke the camels back. I stood up and told her "You will NOT talk like that in front of him. He does NOT need to be in here to hear you tear him down--and you will NEVER paddle him." Carson was escorted from the room. I asked both of them if they had ever received training regarding ADHD children?? Or ever MET one? The Principal informed me that she has a grandchild with ADHD. I informed her that they hear "bad", "stupid", "idiot" and "liar" enough from their peers. He needs people he can bond with, people he can trust, people he can respect.

Just then the school counsellor walked in there. The Principal said "Make his weekend miserable. Make it unfun. So he knows how serious this is". I wanted to choke her. The counsellor stood up and said "Everyone here needs to realize, this is a SIX year old with SEVERE ADHD--and obviously the meds aren't working like they should. He can't be held 100% responsible for his actions. He should NOT be punished all weekend. He will not understand that." I wanted to hug her. Take her out for Mexican food. Invite her over to watch movies. Bake her a cake.

Carson went back to work with me. He was quiet and reflective for the most part. The Director let him play video games in her office. On Sunday all 4 of my kids went to church--as well as the 4 kids who will be my step children. Carson behaved himself FINE. No problems. I'm beginning to think its the teacher. Or??? what?? He started taking 10mg of Strattera the first of this school year. Now he's up to 30mg. We are about out of options--the next me we could try would take a while to get in his system...and he would have to be CLOSELY monitored while on it. Blood pressure, blood work, heart. This is scary stuff. He's 6. He's not a big thing at all. He's skinny (the meds messes up his appetite). He's short. But he's adorable. And I love him with all my heart and soul.

Caden...

2008-09-25T16:06:00.005-10:00

Caden is 3 years and 5 months old. He isn't potty trained. Or rather...he's lazy. Today he said "uh oh. I'm peeing in me pants." He makes funny faces. His nickname is "Flash" because if the door is open he is GONE...in a flash. He loves play doh (or flay doh, as he calls it). He is starting to draw pictures that actually resemble something. Take the one displayed here for the entire WWW. This is a picture of his father. Naked. Anatomically correct. But upside down--MY mistake, not his. There are dozens of these around my house. He loves to talk about who has a "hooter" and who doesn't. He does. I don't. Today he laid his head on my boob. It was nap time. He raised his head up, looked at my boob and asked "Momma? You gotta baby in der?" Me: "ummm, no." Caden: "Then why's it so fat?"

I Made This, This and This...

2008-09-25T15:56:00.002-10:00

I love to see my kids playing together. It sure beats hearing "MOM! Carson just spit on me! Get OFF me, you IDIOT!" "MOM! Claudia called me the "e" word!"

This wasn't posed. I was cleaning the kitchen, heard them giggling and looked up and yelled "DONT MOVE!"

I love these brats.

My Ex Spouse Is Up To Something...

2008-09-25T08:33:00.002-10:00

My ex is...bearable. Tolerable. But he never misses a chance to call me stupid--or insinuate that I am stupid. It was his favorite past time for 19 years and 5 months. So, I find myself sniffing for the smell of fish when he is nice-ish. You know, the smell that makes you say "Something is FISHY, here"?

Yesterday he calls me at work. Tells me that him and the boys are at WalMart. Then he uttered..."Do you need anything while I'm here?" wtf?! Of course I said no. Like I want to owe him ANYTHING?! Please. Can you imagine if I had said "Yeah, laundry detergent. Koolaid. And a big bottle of AstroGlide."

Then, if it could get any better. I went to pick the boys up at 6PM. He was in the shower so I visited the spare restroom. When I came out he says (from our once *shared* bedroom) "Hey! Can you come here a minute?" UMMMMM--NO. "I want you to look at this paint. Tell me what you think." Ok, so hes painting the bedroom. His bedroom. Wanted me to weigh in on the shade. Why!? Why!?? Mind you he was wearing shorts and no shirt at the time. Please dress yourself. Please don't invite me into your room. Or offer to buy me groceries. Or make me throw up in my mouth. Gross.

He is an excellent father. My kids are blessed to have him. He sucks as a husband. He is a homophobic, racist, chauvinistic sphincter muscle. He only watches movies that have boobs, bombs and bullets--and car chases. He doesn't read (I tease that he CAN'T read). He hunts. Animals and women. YOUNG women. He is 45. Looks 35--or younger. His body is in shape. But his personality is...lacking.

He really needs to shape up--or my kids will never have a mother figure at his house. Plus, he keeps dating the 18-25 year olds. I mean, COME ON! Our oldest daughter is 17. She will be 18 in January. Does he want HER dating a 45 year old father of 4????

Bless his heart tho. Why? I dunno--someone should.

Not Mistress Of My Domain...

2008-09-24T13:54:00.003-10:00

I suck at being an adult. I should have remained 12 and never grew up. I want to stay young. I do. But the big scary world expects me to be responsible. I find this hard to do.

When I was married to "the Ex" I NEVER paid the bills. He was the math wizard (tho he never finished his degree), so he paid bills, balanced the checkbook, all that jazz. He reminded me DAILY to take my meds. And if I got grumpy, his first comment was "Did you take your meds today?" My comment usually was a silent, but well known hand gesture. I know, but it made me FEEL better. Sorta.

Now that I am on my own... I'm not doing so well. I have a cable/internet bill that's 2 months old. Electric was due...today? Yesterday? Tomorrow? My car registration went out in...(very embarassed to admit this) 06/08. Drivers liscense went out in August. It is VERY possible I am driving with no insurance on my car. I'm afraid to call and ask if I've been dropped. My checkbook? I just go by the atm daily and check my balance (which is MEAGER).

I've gone a few days without meds. Enough that my future husband sold his firstborn to buy me pills (just kiddin'. No one bought him.). But it was enough for him to realize that ME without meds = one crazy a$$ wench.

I know I need to get myself together. Every month I tell myself "GET IT TOGETHER!!". And I seriously *want* to. But I feel like I am in a hole. And the hole is getting deeper. And people keep walking by, shaking their heads and saying "You better get it together, girl!" But no one will reach a hand down and help me out.

I bring home $1000 per month from my job (HA, should call it a hobby). And "the Ex" gives me $400 per month for my equity in the house we bought in 2004. That's it. That's my income. Rent is $695. Electric runs $200. Water $35. Cable/Internet $115. Car insurance $85. Garbage (wtf?) is $25. Psychaitrist $40. Meds $90. I'm not counting gas and food...cause...I have NO FREAKING IDEA. But, YOU do the math. I am struggling.

And I wonder why my head aches like a MO FO. And why I crave ciggarettes and liquor. Got any ideas? Besides selling myself on the street--'cause as bad as I feel, I'm giving it away for free to feel good for a few minutes.

A Day In The Life Of A 3 Year Old Preschool Teacher...

2008-09-19T17:48:00.002-10:00

This morning, I got to work on time. But my OWN 3 year old wasn't feeling like being cooperative. He refused to get out of the car. "I don't wanna go here, I'm staying in the car!" I drug him from my car. Carried him to the building and laid him on the safety of the rug for his tantrum.

13 three year olds. That's right. 13. And they all have drama. Ashley doesn't want Kye playing with anyone but her. Keysen wants his 2 babies and his book alllll the time. Carlie needs her Key-Key (blanket). Joey sneaks around drinking out of everyone cup but her own--in hopes someone has something *good*. Casey wants to cry--but he wants to play too. Torn between making me thinks he's miserable and actually having fun. Drew wants to scream and run. All. The. Time. Madelyn tells me 4 times per hour that her "momma will be here in a few hours." Gawd...I WISH!! Bailey needs to "potty" but it's always too late. Braden is a climber--and a faller. Caden is mine...and up my butt crack, CONSTANTLY. Ian looks like an angel--but he is a contender with WWWF. Jack T. is autistic. He has an obsession with making sure the toilet seat is UP. and flushed. At least every 3 minutes. Today Jack T. was stung by yellow jackets on his finger, BAD, twice. Poor boy. I love this kid. Mainly because I have a troubled child (severe ADHD--Carson) and I know how much "trouble" it is for them to REALLY bond with someone--and Jack T has with me. And I with him. This boy is SPECIAL. He is.

Braden and Joey climbed onto a low table in our class. "Please get down, right now before you--" And Joey fell off. She didn't cry much, until she say her Mother at the dutch door. Then she was near death.

Madelyn bit a 2 year old visiting our class--ON THE CHEEK!

Toys everywhere. Shaving cream. Tiny turtles and frogs. Matchbox cars. I would have given my 3rd born (he has ADHD) for 2 Valium. Just 2. To get thru the day.

3 poopy diapers. Braden's smells like a grown mans. And he went twice. Mine went too. I hate that my son is THREE and not potty trained. I've tried it all. Bribes, threats...and everything in between. He's about to be responsible for cleaning it all up himself. I'm SICK of it.

Casey lost a sock. Eastin a hair bow (shes the 2 yr old). We painted with toothbrushes. We did tanagrams. Used big plastic tweezers to pick up small colored rocks and put them in ice trays. Read books. Did puzzles. Threw wooden blocks at each other. Shoved each other. Scratched each others faces. Bite to the face. Water fountain water allllll over the floor.

"Let's all see how loud Ms Martie will play that stupid "Kids Worship" CD!! Lets see how red her face gets and how sweet her voice is. Whoever gets called "HoneyBun" wins!!!"

It's 11PM now. 3 beers later--I *might* go back on Monday. I MIGHT.

I Need To Quit My Job...

2008-09-15T16:01:00.002-10:00

I am torn. Torn between staying at my present employer that pays me DICK, has NO insurance benefits and is "F'd" us from the floor up and leaving their sorry asses. The only thing keeping me there is my students.

I'm not a braggart, but they love me. Do you know the joy of going to work to only have 9 people scream your name, run towards you and latch onto your leg, waist, arms, neck? If not, you arent getting paid enough. Or doing a good enough job. When I see my student in public they scream my name. They run from the safety of their parents care...and into my arms.

Today a child who was in my class over the summer was brought in by his mother. She took him to his new class and left. His screams were immediate. and LOUD. I stepped outside my door and met eyes with his mother. "He never cries like this" she said. I asked her to step behind the wall and went and got him. Asked him if he wanted to come to my class. He nodded, wiped his eyes and sniffed. I took him to my class and had him calm in 3 minutes. He loves his Ms. Martie. What can I say?

These are the moments that give me pause.

And then, I get my paycheck... And I'm shorted 8 hours for Labor Day. And $60 for a cleaning day. And they say they will "fix" it on my next check. Kiss my backside. By next paycheck I will be employed somewhere where my base pay is MORE. And I have insurance. So, yeah, get your shit together. Your ship is siiiinnnnking. And I wont go down with ya.

I gotta look out for me. But I loooove these kids. I do. And I KNOW they love me. And I KNOW their parents love me. But love doesn't pay the bills...unless you are a prostitute. And I'm not--yet.

Irritable Ike...

2008-09-13T08:45:00.003-10:00

Please Note That This Post Was Written Saturday Afternoon. On A "Break" From Napping!!

I have family that live on the Bolivar Peninsula...near Galveston Island. 129 people were rescued from the Peninsula alone. My family are all here in East Texas. Nine of them. Them and alot of Louisiana folks. We still have gas. Water. Electricity. Milk. We will all live. Unless Ike throws a few tornadoes our way. Right now Ike is just south of Tyler, Texas. 15 minutes from me (I'm to the north of Tyler). 39 MPH winds. And we are expected to get 5-6 more inches of rain. Luverly.

My family has spoken to a few idiots, er...I mean, friends who stayed behind. One guy (nut case) SWAM down hwy 87 to the church and spent last night on the roof. My family tells me that they have heard of at least nine people drowning at Crystal Beach (where they live).

Thankfully, my family is safe. My ex Mother In Law came and got my kids this morning. And I will spent the night elsewhere (instead of in my large coffin/trailer). I feel awful for those who have lost their homes, property or friends/family members. My parents did not have FLOOD insurance. I'm not saying they are stupid...but... Hello? Remember the last storm? The one before that? Guess not. I'm sure the downstairs of their beach house is GONE--along with all their pack rat belongings (good riddance to the things *I* would have to take care of when they die of old age). But we don't know about the roof, wrap around deck, elevator (my uncle/dad is a paraplegic) or upstairs.

The only good I can find in this? They may move back HERE. To East Texas. I need all the moral support around here I can get. So *I* might win.

1,000 search and rescue people are looking now on Galveston Island. And 50 aircraft. That is just SCARY...

PS: Right after I typed this up--we lost power here. And I packed some belongings and went to my future in laws house for the night. But I'm back home now. My rented, glamourous trailer didn't blow away (darn it). We had alot of trees down here. Mainly pine trees but a few big oaks too. It's 25 minutes from my house to theirs. I saw TWO cars on the highway. Besides me. It was eerie.

"Momma, Can I Tell You About The Sun?" Said My Son...

2008-09-13T03:55:00.003-10:00

Last night we were driving home from work. Me, Claudia (7), Carson (6) and Caden (3).

Carson had a bad day at school. He tried to bite his teacher. Ran from the principal and spit on some kids in the bus line. He was in trrrrrouble. And he knew it. But he was working hard to impress me and win me back over. He had already informed me several times that I was the "best Mother in the Universe". Ummm, yeah, right.

So, from the backseat, he starts this conversation:

Carson: Momma? Did you know that the sun is just a big ball of fire?

Me: Really? wow.

Carson: And if you got even close to it you would burn up INSTANTLY!

Me: Oh my. (Thinking: wow, he must have listened to someone. He's so smart)

Carson: Yep. But wouldn't burn up Superman.

Me: Hmmmm (Thinking: so, he heard all this from a Superman cartoon?)

Carson: But it WOULD burn up Spiderman!!

Claudia: How do YOU know!?

Carson: Because the sun is Spidermans weakness...

Claudia: His "weakness??"

Carson: Yeah, ya know, like *GIRLS* are MY weakness...

OMG. That boy is so sweet. His current phrase that he repeats over and over is "WICKED SWEET!!" Feel free to say it yourself over and over... I do.

Tell Me About Those Towers That Were Brothers...

2008-09-11T13:26:00.002-10:00

On September 11th, seven years ago. EVERYONE remembers where they were when they heard. Last night a checker at WalMart told me she was in class (college) and that her professor told her, but wouldn't allow them to leave. I can't even imagine.

I was pregnant with Carson. A full time, stay at home mom to Calie and Claudia. The (then)husband was in the shower when I heard Charlie Gibson reporting from "Good Morning America". I ran and told him what was going on, ... And I watched in...horror? As the second plane crashed into the tower. We both sat in front of the TV all day. Unable to leave it--but wanting to run.

When it was time to go pick Calie up from school, she was in 5th grade, I decided to push Claudia and the boy I babysat in the double stroller. I knew the traffic would be awful. And I wanted time to explain it to her. I walked 4 blocks to her school, crossed a busy street... and picked her up. She was very calm. Asked a few questions. And then seemed OK. The year before she had met a girl at Ranch Camp and *her* birthday is September 11th. Calie was worried about her new best friend, worried that everyone would be sad on her birthday from now on. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY RITA!!!!)

I worried about the baby I carried in my belly. I had 5 months left to go before his due date. I worried that I was bringing him into a world so full of hate and strife. I was emotional. Call it hormones. But every story on the news had me bawling. And yet I couldn't *not* watch! It made me think of when I was home on maternity leave with Calie. February 1991. Desert Storm was on 24/7. I cried a river then too...every day another story about a dad leaving his newborn--or even a mother. I was amazed at their strength to leave their new wives, new children... and some never came back. And the ones who came back were forever changed.

And then so many from September 11th didn't come home either.

Today our school asked that everyone wear red, white and blue. My class made a paper flag to hang on our door. The stars were painted by the kids. And we made "hand print flags". I painted the lower part of their palm blue and every other finger red or white. They were really cute. The kids LOVE to paint.

After the school age kids got to our school for "after school care", Carson ran to me. Told me he had a "so-so" day. Then he asked me "Momma, Tell me about those towers that were brothers." I knew what he meant. They were "twin" towers. So they must be twin brothers...

Still thinking of those who never made it...and to those who did...and those who were left here alone.

Dysfunction Is Normal Around Here...

2008-09-07T12:27:00.002-10:00

You all are aware that *I* have issues. Manic/Depressive. On medication. And STILL I have issues. With trust. With feeling unworthy of everything--even the air I breathe. But I come by it honestly. Honestly.

My Parental Units (the real ones) have mental issues. Addiction issues. Personality issues. So do my siblings. I love my sister with a passion that borders on insane. And although she has never (that I know of) been on medication--she has been depressed (maybe is right now). My brother has even deeper issues. For one, he resides in Mississippi. If that alone won't qualify you for Nut Status, I dunno what will...

We had a hard life. This isn't for sympathy. Or even empathy. But if you want to send money to help with my rent issue, let me know (HAHA).

Our childhoods included alcoholism, spousal abuse, borderline child abuse, child molestation (parents were aware of it but never did anything about it) and your regular ole vanilla brand of crappy care. So, when *I* feel like the worst mother on planet Earth (and that is daily)--I know, it could be worse. But that is no consolation.

When I was diagnosed as a nutter, I was partially relieved. AHHHH, a NAME for this feeling I've had all my life. The mood swings. The lower than low depression. And then I was also partially...even MORE depressed. I'm crazy. I'll likely be on meds FOREVER. FOREVER reminded every night by 3 pills. And every morning by 4. And God forbid I should forget 2 days in a row. This isn't like birth control where you double up and take precautions. Oh, no... Do this and you have a frrrrreak out.

You may cry uncontrollably if your 3 year old says "You're FIRED!!" because you didn't fill his sippy cup quick enough. You may slam on your breaks just to get your screaming kids attention as they scream/slap/pinch one another in the backseat. You may eat a bag of Wavy Lays or drink a 5th of whiskey and Coke. Smoke a pack of cigs and eat half a box of Raisin Bran. You may scream at the screaming birds to STOP SCREAMING!!! Then...then cry.

And this is my normal life. And some days, I can handle it. And then, there are days like today. Where I feel a nervous breakdown coming on.

R.I.P. Jake D...

2008-09-06T11:10:00.003-10:00

A few days ago (September the 1st) a man who was only 32 years old, wrote a letter and drove to a secluded area, near here.

Even as a child he was adorable--he was 8 years younger than I. I remember taking family vacations...he was there, so was his twin brother. They were the same. The same looking. But different personalities. Jeff was more reserved. Jake funny and outrageous. Silly. A comedian. We spent time together on the beaches of the Gulf of Mexico. Near Galveston, Texas.

Writing our names in the sand. Fishing. Running into the surf. Dragging our feet behind the Jeep--we sat on the tailgate and watched the drunks and scantily clad women make spectacles of themselves. It was like the Playboy Channel--but in real life!

Both boys were fun. Cute. Boys I wish were my brothers.

Jake recieved scholorships in baseball. He was an athelete. He loved to climb rocks. But he fell and hurt his back as a teenager. He had to deal with chronic pain for years. Recently he had surgery to cauterize nerves in his back--and to have a morphine pump installed.

All to no avail. Pain and depression go hand in hand. Some pain in psyical. Some in your head/heart. His pain was insurmountable. His depression over the pain--causing him even MORE pain.

Jake wrote a letter. And then shot himself in the head. Killing himself and ending his pain. Now, his young wife, mother, father and step parents mourn, his half sister...as does his twin brother--now alone, missing his other half.

We will miss you, young friend. And we will never forget. I am comforted only with the idea that you are no longer in pain.

XOXO

Like, Wow...

2008-09-06T10:52:00.002-10:00

Today was/is Saturday. My kids are visiting with my parents while I went to the school where I teach (bahahaha) 3 year olds M-F. But today I went to clean. I cleaned 7 restrooms. 10 toilets. 5 classrooms. 2 halls. and a huge kitchen and cafeteria. I swept, vacuumed, mopped. Clorox wiped doors, handles, light switches. Emptied trashcans. Sprayed Lysol on door jams, little chairs. Changing tables and toy bins. I cleaned the front desk up (dirty women). I left the building smelling of Clorox, Mr Clean, Lysol and Febreeze. It took me 3 hours. And the wench is shining, I tell you!

If I wasn't in such dire straits--I wouldn't do it. But the $60 will come in handy when its time to purchase pharmaceuticals (the kind that keep me sane--dirty minded reader!) or hair color. But this is back breaking work. I feel sorry for every janitor I've ever made fun of. I hurt. $60 may not be enough.

Now I am too tired to clean my own nasty, filthy house. Maybe while "someone" watches the Notre Dame game...I'll clean.

PS: Dont tell us who won...we recorded it.

A Formal Apology...

2008-09-05T14:17:00.002-10:00

This is where I apologize for the post regarding the "bleach", the "those who are better than I" crap.

I shouldn't have. No really. I should have told him how his comment made me feel-instead of posting it here--for all you, my friends, my intimate strangers, to see.

All my life I have felt unworthy. Unworthy of my parents love--for I never felt it anyway. Unworthy of my first husbands attention and affection--for I never felt it anyway. Unworthy of my children's respect and love...I really F'd this up myself. Unworthy of friends. Unworthy of my sisters admiration. My grandmothers love. My Mimi's (the Aunt who raised me) love.

So, how was I to believe, that tho he wanted me to tone down the posting of my sinning and evil, wicked ways, that he TRULY loves me...just as I am. That he loves ME. Just. As. I. Am.

I am sorry, Mr X. I am sorry that I didn't talk to you. That I didn't communicate my feelings to you, how are you to know how I feel unless I speak up?? This is hard for me. I am not used to speaking my feelings. Communication isn't my strong suit. Past experiences have taught me that my feelings are of no consequnce. No one listens anyway. I should have know better. Should have know YOU are different. YOU *do* care. You do listen. You do understand. I'm sorry for what I called you last night. You aren't a hypocrite. By any stretch of the imagination.

You make me want to be a better person. I just don't know if I can do it. But I want to. I want you to be proud of me. I never want to embarass you or have you be disappointed in me--and I know you aren't. But *I* am disappointed in me. *I* am embarassed by me.

It is so hard for me to feel worthy of your love. I really am just a lost little girl. Wanting someone to love me. Someone to want me. Someone to teach me. Lead me. I am eager to please. And I hope that I'm not quick to disappoint.

I am so very sorry. I am. Please accept my appology. I hate arguing--tho we never argue. Fight--no, it wasn't even a fight. I'm sorry we...had hard feelings. Felt at odds. I love you. Please be patient with me. Please understand that I am immature. That I have a hard time communicating. That I am a sensitive creature and I read things into words that aren't there. Partly because I'm a woman (yeah, we do that) but mostly because I've NEVER had anyone love me for ME. I can't change for you. I can't. But I hope to grow for you. But you will have to be patient. Loving. And understanding. All things I know you are. All things I am grateful for.

I love you. I do. As long as the road...but not the road to Aunt Suzi's house (it's a dead end).

Always,

Martie

Superwoman...

2008-09-04T11:13:00.002-10:00

I have a "Theme Song":

Superwoman by Alicia Keyes (She is awesome)

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
Slave to humanity
Wear it on my shoulder
Gotta find the stregnth in me

Cause I am superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
Still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
Im a superwoman

For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun
And all my sisters
Coming together
Say yes I will
Yes I can

(Chorus)

When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly Ohhhh

(Chorus)

Take THAT!!

Now listen to it and sing along...:

Time To Clean Up My Act...

2008-09-04T08:31:00.003-10:00

Was advised that my blog was maybe too real. Might cause embarassment for those who are better than I.

I'm just me. I'm bipolar. I cuss on ocassion. I drink too often. I have, even as a mother of 4, divorced 40 year old, been known to have (gasp) sex...outside of marriage. I REFUSE to apoligize for ANY of it. Because it all makes me....ME. And *I* love me.

Buuuuut...in the interest of the souls and reputation of Others...I am taking down a few pictures, changing the names of the innocent (BAHA) and pouring bleach on a few posts.

Hope you all feel refreshed now. And sanitized.

I would tell ya to kiss my ass--But that is just DIRTY!!!

Dinosaur Valley...

2008-08-31T14:56:00.003-10:00

Tomorrow I will be going with Mr X to Dinosaur Valley in Texas. South of the Metroplex.

I was told to take good walking shoes and my swim suit. OMG. And my camera. OM DOUBLE G!!

There might be pics of me in my swimsuit. Might not. But the WILL be pics of fake dinosaurs. And kids splashing in the pools. Pools made out of dinosaurs footprints. Should be an experience I wont forget, plus I'm spending the night at his parents house. Hmmmmm....

Have a great LABOR day--hope none of you are laboring....

XOXO,

Martie

Happy Belated Birthday To Vicki...

2008-08-31T13:40:00.003-10:00

Let me tell you about Vicki. I met her on an iVillage board. We were both pregnant with babies due in October 2000. There were many friends I met on there. Many. Girls who I shared with, and they shared with me. I have never felt closer to a bunch of people I've never met. My ex was convinced that they all were old fat men who either wanted to cut the baby out of my tummy OR find out where I lived so they could sodomize me.

Vicki--who I fondly refer to as Vic. I love her. I do. She has the same sick sense of humor that I have. She has a husband who she loves--but also wants to throttle. 2 adorable sons (Arranged marriage??). She works full time and doesn't get paid what she's worth. She takes care of her home, her kids, her pets and her husband (maybe not in that order, but maybe).

Vic and I share birthdays. And I was a Birthday Hog this year. I fondled my birthday. Licked it. Moonwalked with it. Grabbed it's crotch, even. And then today, I remembered, (no, Vic reminded me) it was HER birthday too.

So, Vic, tonight I am drinking a cold one for you! Bottle raised, eye twinkling. Here's to YOU. Not to YOU and him, Or YOU and them. But to YOU!! You are awesome. I love you, my sister/friend. I pray for you every night. I do. You 'da man! or 'da WOman!!

I hope your year ROCKS!!! That you can remain strong and true. That you are able to put yourself first every now and then!! You deserve it! I wanna be like you when I grow up (which will be never....hee hee).

I love you, girl. Thank you for making me feel special--and liked. You will never know how happy every letter you ever sent me made me feel. I am indebted to you...

Happy BELATED Birthday Vic!! many hugs and kisses (no tongue please)!!!

What's That On Your Finger...?

2008-08-30T16:50:00.003-10:00

Yep. Yep. Yep. My party was fun. We laughed our a$$es off. Drank. Ate. Laughed some more. Drank some more. Told funny stories. Watched the Rice football game (yeah, but it was fun). My all time favorite people were here!!

Then, suddenly, everyone was gone. Just me and Mr X. So very near midnight--we went for a stroll. No moon, a few stars. Just me and my heart walking hand in hand. A short walk. But nice.

On the way back in the house, he stops me on the steps.

"Wait. Sit here for a minute."

I sit on the top step. He kneels before me a few steps down. He takes my hands in his. Says very sweet words. Before I know it, a ring is on my finger. He tells me that he told his kids and his parents before he came over, and that my sister knew too. I love this about him. Well, lots of things actually. But he knows how to be sweet. And still be a man (LMAO). Altho, he didn't notice I had a new rug in my living room--after he walked all over it twice. And it is a 5' X 7' rug--so it's not like it was tiny.

The next morning at 7:30AM. His oldest daughter called to see what my answer was! How 'bout that? When she heard I had said YES, she screamed all over the house... Silly girl.

My kids were excited too. I showed them my hand and Claudia said "WHAT is that on your finger? Did you marry Mr X!!? LOL Claudia is a little mad and sad that when my name changes that hers won't also. Her reasoning? *I* gave birth to her, so whatever MY name is, hers should be the same!! I explained, that altho she is VERY smart, the law doesn't see it that way.

Caden grabbed Mr X's girls) and held them tight and said "These are my sissers". Awwwwww, even Caden gets it! Carson was excited that Mr X would be his Step-Daddy and that he would have step brothers. Our kids get along GREAT.

So, now we are engaged. But, really, we were a long time ago. A few lifetimes ago. So, this doesn't feel strange, or scary, or make me anxious. It just feels right.

I promise to post something that is not romantic Monday or Tuesday. It may include dinosaurs or ADHD fits (1st day of school). It may include a story about my 17 year old--trust me, you will shake your head on this one.

PS: If today was what 40 will be like for the rest of the year--it should be the best year of my life!!

Happy Birthday John McCain, Michael Jackson and ME...

2008-08-29T07:30:00.002-10:00

This morning I got up early. It was my first day to take the kids to school since they had been with their Dad the first 4 days. As I walked into the living room, Claudia said from her bed "Happy Birthday, Momma! Ummmm, why do you wear your panties up your crack?" Note to self: Now is the time to stop walking through the house in a Tshirt and thong.

Later Carson got up and asked me how old I was. "I'm 40 today, pumpkin." His reply? "Gosh, does that mean you were born FOURTY YEARS ago?" Ahhhh, it does indeed.

I've received numerous text wishes and a few gifts from my kids in class. I'm having a great day--and it promises to only get better. I'm on my lunch break now, baking a german chocolate cake for the party tonight. I can't stand german chocolate cake--but my mother gave me 20 cake mixes and 2 tubs of icing (all german choc icing)--along with 40 million cans of green beans, pinto beans, corn and sloppy joe mix. Thanks, Mom.

So, if you're in the neighborhood, you should stop by around 8PM or so. We will be the house that 2 cop cars are parked at--and beer cans in the yard.

And We Were Dancing In The Street...

2008-08-28T16:26:00.003-10:00

Last night, one of the most romantic moments of my life...

I was following Mr X home from basketball. We were on a dark, deserted blacktop road. He stopped at the stop sign. I stopped behind him. He got out of his truck and walked back to my car. I rolled down my window. He opened my door, reached into my car and undid my seat belt. Held out his hand. I took it and got out of the car.

His truck door was opened, music playing. A slow song. He took me in his arms and we danced, not saying a word. When the song was over he whispered he loved me. I whispered back. He put me back in my car. Fastened my seat belt. And walked back to his truck.

As he drove away, towards home, I thought: "THIS is why I *love* this man!"

Adult Friend Finder...

2008-08-27T08:46:00.003-10:00

Have you ever used an internet site to look for dates or mates? I met someone on a dating site (won't tell you which one...but we are a MATCH!!).

I know a friend who is even MORE computer illeteriate than *I*, and she stumbled across Adult Friend Finder--but it was under another name. Um...Cupid.com? Yeah, I think that's it. She signed up and put her picture on there. A sweet face shot. Fully clothed (I saw it, I know). And, within 2 days she had over 100 emails from tons of naked perverts. I'm talking FULL FRONTAL. I've never seen more pee-pees in my life!!

At first it was funny. She would call and say "OMG, you will not believe what I am looking at" Then she'd forward it to me and I'd peek between my fingers, hand shielding my eyes in case it went off. Some were impressive. Some were downright saaaaaaaaad. I mean, WHO told them that was a good looking pee pee? They should be shot. Or educated. I mean, I know that men have a screwed up sense of size. I KNOW! But, geeeeeezzzzz....

After the funnies weren't so funny, it just got sad. There are alot of horny people in this world. And I dont mean a few states over from you, or even a few towns over. There are HORNY people in your town. You park by them. Shop next to them. Bank with them. They lay your carpet, change your oil, fix your hair and bathe your dog. That is sad. That people are so lacking SOMEWHERE in their lives that they advertise for sex on a website like AFF. And they take off their clothes. In more ways than that, they are naked and vunerable...all for a piece of ass. Or for a feeling that they are special. They are wonderful. They matter.

Wow. I'm just amazed.

Does This Make Me Look Fat...?

2008-08-27T07:38:00.003-10:00

Yesterday was the FINAL day for my divorce. I tried on at least 10 outfits before settling on one that made me feel strong and sexy. As I was getting ready to walk out the door CB (the ex) called me on my cell phone. "Have you left yet?" I told him I was about to head out. "I need to ask you something..." Oh god. what? "Should I wear a tie?"

I almost died laughing. I looked right at Mr X and said "CB! You're not getting married...you're getting divorced. No, you don't need to wear a tie!" After I hung up Sweets and I had a good laugh over it. On the day we are divorcing--he's calling me to ask me what he should wear to court. Bless his heart. He needs to hurry and get remarried--he may not make it if he doesn't!

Georgie Porgie, Puddin' & Pie...

2008-08-24T07:36:00.003-10:00

Mr X has a bird named George. And although we aren't sure of George's sex, we want to introduce George to Mandy. We had the blind date all set up for last night. Sweets got here about dusk. And promptly let George out of his truck--and George flew to the highest tree in my yard--where he stayed ALL NIGHT LONG. No amount of coaxing with food, Mandy or rocks could get him down.

This morning Mr X and I went to church, after trying to get George back down...no luck. After church we found him in another tree across the highway. Stupid bird. He wanted to come to us soooo bad. You could tell. But he was both tired and scared. Birds don't like to go "down"...they like to go "up".

Mr X had to climb an oak tree. Like a monkey!! Once George could see Mr X he went to him. Got on his shoulder. But it's hard to climb DOWN a tree with a bird on your shoulder. Mr X had to take his shirt off while still in the tree and wrap George up and hand him to me so he could get down.

Now George is in his cage, which we placed right next to Mandy's. George is sleepy--probably stayed up all night keeping an eye out for owls. Mandy keeps swinging her swing and looking at him, as if to say "Look at my pretty swing you stupid boy-bird". I haven't really seen sparks fly yet--but George, who usually is VERY loud, is quiet. Maybe he's bashful and shy? George is waaaaay more colorful and prettier. He has a beautiful yellow head, orange/red breast, Green and blue wings. Looks like a rainbow bird. I'm so glad we got him back. He's not allowed out of his cage again until he gets his wings clipped. Stupid bird-boy!

Can You Wear Red Satin To An Episcopal Church?...

2008-08-23T09:59:00.003-10:00

I have to go to church tomorrow. Ok, I should have said "I have to go to a church OTHER than MINE on Sunday".

I work for a private school. It is faith based and is run by a Board from the Episcopal Church here in town. I am excited about learning about religion and differences they have to mine. I'm a Baptist. Now, before you condemn me to hell for drinking, cussing and dancing--you should know that in East Texas ALL Baptists are hypocrites. We cuss and dance at the local pub--while drinking. But on Sunday we pray hard too. You've seen Footloose, right? Dancing is ok. Jesus turned water into WINE. Probably because they didn't have filtering devices for crummy water, but still. He didn't turn it into apple juice. As for cussing, well, there is PROFANITY and there is slang. I only sling slang.

Today we had a meeting with a few members of the Board. And with the Bishop Warden. Is that like a jailer for all the Bishop's who misbehave? I'm not sure either. But he was nice. Anyway, tomorrow is a Blessing Of The Staff. I told my girls (aides) that they could come get blessed...or get a curse put on them, take your pick. We are STRONGLY (read TOLD) asked to attend church there. I'm going and taking my boyfriend. Hopefully he can help me make heads or tails out of it all. I understand there is alot of standing, sitting, and kneeling. And alot of "Christ be with you." and "Also with you"s. I can handle all that.

But, what to wear? I mean, I'm going to be standing in front of the church (along with all my co-workers) in front of the entire congregation. Getting blessed. Introduced. I wanna make a good impression. So, I bought a red, shiny satin-like shirt to wear. With a black skirt. But, is satin appropriate?

This reminds me of when my oldest was reading "Black Beauty" books. She was a horse crazed child. Most girls are at some point in time. Especially here in Redneckville. She was reading a story where the horse was named was Satin. But, she refused to pronounce it that way (she was maybe 10). She pronounced it "Satan". No matter how many times I corrected her..she wanted that horse to be named to be Satan.

Ok, that's it, I'm wearing the shirt. With my pretty new matching panties and bra... Slick at http://slicksumbich.com/ told me that guys dig matching panties and bras.

So, will I appear in satin? Or appear Satan-like?

PS: Mandy refused to eat grapes or crackers. But she flew onto my head and it took an act of congress (by MYSELF) to get her out of my hair. That was 5 scary ass minutes, let me tell you...

Oh, Mandy. You Came And You Gave Without Taking...

2008-08-23T07:23:00.003-10:00

Oh, my. Mr X brought me home a gift last night. I didn't even know I wanted this until he called and whispered in my ear...asking me if it was something I might be interested in. Her name is Mandy.

Her name WAS Wimpy. Yes, Wimpy. Until we tried to hand her a cracker and she took it from us...and threw it on the bottom of her cage.

Mr X has a Janday Conure (a type of parrot). His name is George Or GeorgiA--we aren't *sure* of his sex--conures don't really have it hanging out to see. Mandy is a Nanday Conure. She is 15 years old--middle age for a Nanday Conure. George is 3 or so. George can say "grace". Yeah, so Sweets says "George, say grace". And he does. Grace. Grace. Grace.

Mandy can say "Goodnight, Wimpy". And a bunch of stuff that we can't figure out. I know that Mandy is a girl--because she laid an egg once. Or so her former owner told Sweets. So Sweets is convinced that "George" (now I cant help but question George's sexual orientation as well as what sex HE/SHE is...) has a girlfriend. We already learned online that our birds DO often mate outside their breed. So, he's gonna buy a small cage tonight and bring George over to my house and put him near Mandy--see if sparks fly. Or feathers.

So romantic. haha. Hopefully Mandy and George fall in love like Sweets and I did...fast and furious. Mandy has a scary looking beak. Hope George isn't intimidated.

PS: Claudia (my 7 yr old) has wanted a bird since she could breathe. When she comes over to my house on Sunday she will be surprised and thrilled!!! I am almost as excited about *that* as I am that I have Mandy here.

Along Came A Spider...

2008-08-21T08:07:00.001-10:00

I totally stole this video from Shonda's Blog (The Cowboy Chronicles, on my blog list).

I Fing HATE spiders... So, haha Spider!

Oh, The Shame Of It All...

2008-08-20T08:11:00.003-10:00

I am ashamed of a few things in my life. Tho, I try not to beat myself up too much anymore. At one time I was the QUEEN of Guilt. I was guilty of being a bad Mother, Wife, Friend, Sister, Daughter... you name it, I felt bad at it. All that guilt got me locked up in the nut house. Don't contain your shame! Spread it. Let me know what you are most ashamed of. Post anonymously. I won't tell anyone.

To make you feel better, I will give you my top 5 Shame's (trust me, there is a top 100 list somewhere):

1. Taking that DVD. Without permission. And then WATCHING it. OMG.

2. Feeling happy and glad when my kids go to their Dad's for a few days.

3. For "going off my meds" and letting Mr X see what a crazy person looks like.

4. For letting Calie think I'm a rotten person--and losing her trust and closeness.

5. For dating 2 guys at once. And taking longer than necessary to break up with the one who was sooooooo wrong for me. But sooooo right at the time (hee hee).

Trust me, as a person who had issues with being a "good" person anyway...these may seem tame to you, but to me they are MAJOR. I should probably be seeing a therapist as well as a Psychiatrist. Oh well, YOU can be my therapist!!

Is It OK To Invite Your Ex To The "DIVORCE" Party?...

2008-08-19T16:02:00.002-10:00

I received some extremely exciting news today. August 26th is "Court Day". That's the day that a Judge says "Yep, you retards are divorced!"

The EX has been telling me for weeks now that "you don't have to go to the hearing, ya know. You don't have to show up..." Yeah, right, buddy. Number one...a gut feeling tells me that if I *don't* show up that the sky will split open and piss all over my life. Number two...What if the Judge says "this document is a piece of dog crap. Where's the Respondant? What?! She's not here? Then let her suffer with what these papers show!~"? Number three...I want to joyfully skip outta the courthouse...stand on the steps a la ROCKY freaking Balboa, with my hand held high. Take *that* mutha sucka!! hee hee

So, next Tuesday I will git my arse to court like a good lil Texan girl. I will swear before God and lazy Judge Dunn (he's best know in these here parts as the Judge to have if you are in no HURRY to get divorced--cause he's a lazy dude) that I's don't wanna be Martie Moore No More.

The only thing that could have made this BETTER than bread with Country Crock slathered all over it was if it had been scheduled for Friday August 29th. That, dear friends, is the day that I turn 40. Can you imagine a better birthday present!? I can't. I really can't. Except for a certain someone to...well, never mind that. All in good time.

So, I'm planning to have a big ole bash on Friday. To celebrate my d-i-v-o-r-c-e. And my birthday. Think it'll be OK to invite the EX? He will probably feel like celebrating too. I'm a crazy ass bitch that I am sure he's glad to be rid of. Feeling's mutual, Big Red Dog! I'm planning on a little ole get together at my trailer park home (I dont really live in a park, tho). Plenty of hot sauce, bean dip and queso (Velveeta and Rotel). Better bring your own booze. I'm not planning on sharing mine!! I plan on having the CD player going... Loud N Proud. Maybe I'll invite the Peeping Tom...? Maybe not.

I thought about having kids come too--but I plan on getting shitfaced. Not something the kiddies should be around. I tend to break out and start pole dancing after I get smashed. So, I gotta find a safe haven for my kids, since I have them EVERY weekend. Yes, EVERY weekend.

Maybe I'll have the EX keep them then. After all, I'm watching them for *him* tonight so he could go on a date--I picked them up at 5:30PM and he "needs" then to spend the night...either that's one loooooong date--or he's going to Vegas to get married...? Anyway, more power to him, no, REALLY, more *power* to him.

So, next week should be GRAND. I can't freaking wait!! Woooohoooo!

Wonder how long I'll be single? Anyone wanna guess? I think (no, I know. I looked it up already) you have to wait 30 days in Texas before you can marry again. At least. So. Hmmmm. We will see, won't we?

Happy Birthday Bill...

2008-08-19T14:31:00.003-10:00

It was brought to my attention by Shonda of "The Cowboy Chronicles" (see her on my blog list), that today was Billy Boys birthday.

When he was President I wasn't too political, still ain't (ya like that don't ya? AIN'T?). But I do remember those times well. I remember the jokes ole Bill had to endure...hee hee

I just hope that Bill is celebrating with a cigar and a good blow job. Wish I was...

Our House, In The Middle Of Our Street...

2008-08-18T17:18:00.003-10:00

I told you that Mr X is building a house, right? He started it awhile ago, as a project to just build and then turn around and sell. At the time it *was* his full time job. But then reality set in and he had to get a "real job". So then the house turned into a hobby--or project of sorts. Then... he met me.

He claims (and I'm not saying hes lying...but I find it hard to believe) that *I* made him feel like finishing it. It was originally only 3 bedrooms. Now he's framed the garage into 2 more bedrooms. So, a 5 bedroom house begs for a big family, huh? So, he decided to keep the house. It's almost all paid for. So the mortgage (plus insurance and taxes) will be under $500 per month. That's less than the rent I pay on this (oh, I hate to admit it) t-t-trailer I live in now.

I got off work tonight and went and bought marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers and headed to the house. I knew he was there working on his day off from "real work" and that he had his oldest daughter (shes 10) with him. After I helped him put up the last wall in the garage we went to his parents house and ate and had "microwave" smores (it was raining at the new house). We all sat at the kitchen table of his parents house and talked and laughed and had a good time. I can't wait to move into that house with him and his kids (part time) and my kids (part time). I can't wait until there are 9 people all sleeping under that roof.

The house is right next to the school--you can walk to it. See the football field lights from the front porch. But it's in the country. Lots of big trees in the yard. Birds chirping. Squirrels playing in the trees. Our church is about 10 minutes away. And the town is so freaking tiny that they share a school district with the NEXT teeny tiny town. Yet we are close to "Town" and all the amenities we need, you know, Wal Mart, Movie Gallery, Pizza Hut and even McDonalds.

His youngest daughter (8) told her grandmother "looks like I'll have a step sister who is ALSO my friend!"... that makes me happy. I know it will be hard. And trying. But I can honestly say, that at this point in my life, along with good strong medication and alcohol induced meditation... I can do this. I *want* to do this.

Feels like I'm about to get on a ride at Six Flaggs. I'm scared. Nervous. Anxious. And I CAN NOT WAIT!!!! Woooohooooo! But I won't forget to keep my arms inside the ride at all times.

A New Director... Lights, Camera, Action!..

2008-08-16T16:02:00.002-10:00

Today, I had to work all day. But it was a continuing education seminar--so, although I didn't "work", I did sit with co-workers, talk shop and learn new things.

Our school is about to undergo many changes. Our current "Head of School" is leaving. So, we need a new Director. We need CPR performed on the monster I like to call "curriculum".

The chick who was in charge of teaching us today was major cool. She has alot of experience in running schools, managing schools and validating schools. And has a theological background too. She had so many good ideas and input for our school--and taught in a fun way. So, imagine my surprise and joy to find that she is in consideration for the new Director position! After the seminar/workshop was over she went with all the teachers and aides to their classrooms to look at their rooms and give ideas and constructive criticisms for each classroom. I was excited to show mine off.

I have already started getting our room ready. I will have 3 aides next year. Two of my aides will be with me on alternate days in the mornings and the other will be with me every afternoon. One had never been in the room before,it was exciting showing it off. Our room got good marks and the only changes we may make were "If you want to, you might try..." ideas from Ms. Genius-hope-she's-my-new-boss.

I haven't been this excited about work since I was asked to take over a crumbling department (and we kicked A$$). I'm excited about my room, my aides and my new (and old) kids!

Now, if only I could find a job I like AND get paid enough to cover my bills...then I'd have it made!!

Ok, Here's One That Begs You To Tell Me They Are Cute...

2008-08-15T13:16:00.002-10:00

When I downloaded the 120 pictures from my camera, I came across this one. Taken Mother's Day Weekend of me and my brood. I actually even had Calie with me then!! The picture isn't the best. Mainly because Claudia is always PMSing...and she is only 7, so, she was in a bad mood. Carson isn't looking--he was having major ADHD issues. And, I may be smiling--but it's faked!

But here we are. Normal dysfunctional family.

Here Is That Nasty Picture I Promised...

2008-08-15T13:06:00.003-10:00

Ok, so there is no picture here anymore.

Mr X (formerly went by: "SOMETHING ELSE") has decided that it isn't in his best interest to be affiliated with my blog--on account that I'm blogging about real life and that includes drinking, cursing and ocassionally...sex. Something he does NOTHING of... no sex. no drinking. no cursing. Promise. No really...

I Like My Love Spread On THICK...

2008-08-14T08:12:00.002-10:00

So. I thought I'd do a little speading myself. I have a couple new links that I just added to my blog list. Don't let the names scare you off. These are the sort of people I would love to hang out with--and did once, back when I was on that mental ward at the "nut hut". Alas, now I only hang out with sane humans who try to bend and mold me into a sane human as well--but I'm not having it, peoples!~ I will continue the good fight.

I am home today from work, feeling ill. Got me a tummy virus. Or, rather it started in the tummy...worked its way downward, effen ya know what I mean. So, I'm laying in bed. Loopy from Gatorade and PhenAgrin ;) Reading my new bestest friends, who don't even know it yet.

Comments are like cookies. Too many make ya fat(headed). None leaves you feeling deprived. Choco chip is my favvvve!

I Am A Winner!!!....

2008-08-13T08:35:00.004-10:00

Our weekend was a success! I've never had so much fun!! We both won more than we took. me at the slots and Mr X at the black jack tables It was alot of fun to hand him his room key. And tell him...well, never mind what I told him.

I think He got as big as a kick as I did. We had good fun and good food. We had a blast. I have pictures. Look for them soon....oh don't worry they are G rated.

Good times were had by all...

I do loooove this man...

Dear Ann Landers:...

2008-08-09T08:32:00.002-10:00

What to do? What to do?

I found something. Something not meant for my eyes. Something from the past. All "out there" for all to see--in all it's naked glory. But left out in the present. If it was meant to be a "secret" it would have been hidden, right? If it's in the past...would it have been left out? Does that mean it's part of the present? If it REALLY was the past--why wasn't it destroyed?

I took it. I have it. I haven't looked at it yet. Part of me wants to. Part of me feels ill.

Do I just put it back? Act innocent and retarded? Or look at it. And then confront? Question? Do I have that right yet? Would I really EVER have that right? Do I want to?

If you are confused--join the club. I'm the President of Confused.

PS: Just ran spell check--and this is my 1st post with NO misspelled words! OMG, go figure.

Sunshine Saturday...

2008-08-09T00:58:00.003-10:00

My stepdad has always called Saturdays "Sunshine Saturdays". Because, when you are a kid--Saturdays are where it's at! There's sleeping in til 7AM, cartoons and Fruit Loops. There's playing outside all day and eating PB&Js. Riding your bike down to Johnny Cartwrights house, cause his Mom has the best snacks...

It's thundering outside right now. But today is still a Sunshine Saturday to me. Today we leave to go on our trip. It's only a five hour drive--piece of cake. I am so excited about this trip. If it lives up to HALF the hype...it's gonna be gooood. I don't even CARE if I win any money. I just wanna sleep late. And eat some food that *I* didn't cook.

Plus, being with Mr X--alllll by myself. I mean, does it get any better? If I wake in the middle of the night and he is here (He only spends the night when the kids aren't here), I have the HARDEST time going back to sleep. I love to watch him sleep. He looks like the cutest little boy--with facial hair. I love to snuggle up to him. He's so warm. And when he isn't snoring--his breathing is the sweetest music.

Speaking of music. We have "weird" taste. Or rather "random" taste. Matchbox 20, The Fratellis, One Republic, Coldplay, Journey and last night--we spend about 30 minutes or more listening to...Whitney Houston and (gasp) BARRY MANILLOW on youtube. We sing in the shower "Purple Rain, Purple Rain...", we text each other song lyrics. We like old stuff. We LOVE 80's and we like current stuff. We like the new songs at church--and we giggle over the OLD songs we sing from the hymnals. Music is good. I'll pack my CD case for our trip, make sure it has some Prince, some Alicia Keyes and maybe some Disco tunes! hee hee.

I hope you are enjoying a Sunshine Saturday. Watch a cartoon (while you fold those clothes), eat a PB&J, wash your bike and call Johnny Cartwright--oh, wait, I think he's still in the pen. Anyways, have a good weekend folks. I am.

Can I TGIF 3 Hours Early?...

2008-08-07T16:15:00.003-10:00

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my worst days at work. 14 children who are 3 years old is too much. Even for someone in their RIGHT mind.I even have an aide--but, ha, she's only 17 and is good for reading them a book but that's about it. I have said a certain phrase sooooo much in my classroom that I can start to say "What kind of family are we...?" and they shout/scream back at me: "WE ARE A SHARING FAMILY"!! Yet they refuse to share. They refuse to WALK in the classroom. They refuse to flush our toilet. They scratch, bite, hit, shove, kick and spit on each other all day. And then, every once in awhile--something good happens.

I was approached in WalMart the other day by a lovely woman. She was maybe 30-something. "Are you Ms. Martie?" I was afraid to answer. Ummmmm. Is it GOOD to be her? Or baaaad? "Yes. Yes I am!" "My son goes to the school...he talks about you ALL the time. Ms. Martie this, Ms. Martie that. He tells us all the time that you are soooooo pretty! I hope you continue in the three year old class--he moves up to the 3's in the Fall." OMG. I've interacted with this particular child maybe 4 times. He's cute as a bug. THIS is how I GET paid. The measly check I deposit is laughable. But the love--when you get it--is priceless. But Tuesdays and Thursdays still suck.

This weekend I get to go away on a short trip with my boyfriend. I literally can NOT wait. I look forward to the drive. I look forward to sleeping in a hotel--with dark drapes and coooooold air conditioning. Breakfast bars and buffet dinners. Blackjack watching and slot machine sounds. Sleeping late. Just being around him with NO PLANS.

So, excuse me if I start to celebrate the weekend a little early. I SO deserve this--and even if I don't deserve it--I am gonna have a BLAST!!

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus...

2008-08-04T14:53:00.003-10:00

My rent is paid. My water is paid. I have all the necessary medications to keep me sane. I have wine, vodka and beer in the house (although is sounds like alot of alcohol--it's really not... I promise). I have chicken roasting, potatoes boiling and beans simmering. I feel so happy at the moment. Except Gladiators is on my TV (wtf?).

I feel so happy. Oh, so happy. Mr X is taking me to (Hillbilly-ville) Mississippi this weekend for a much needed "vacation". We are headed to Vicksburg to gamble all the money we don't have.

I found out that the final Decree of Divorce is ready to sign. OMG. Really? It's really about to happen. Yahooooo. I am so happy!!!! I am. I am, I really, really am. I know that Mr X (oh, crap! I typed his real name there...) will ask me soooon as I'm officially divorced. Ask me what, you say? Ask me to pass the green beans, of course.

Today, Mr X said "Did you tell them that your husband just..." and I almost died. It was the sexiest thing he's ever said. Referring to himself as my husband. In his mind and heart he already is... and that is damn sexy. Because in my mind, heart and soul he already is too.

Yep. Yep. Yep. It's official. I'm in the 7th grade. Will you tell him I think he's hot. Tell him I like him. And I wanna "go out" with him...

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned...

2008-08-03T15:15:00.003-10:00

Church was great today. I took my 3 (Calie has a job now...she was going to go with us but had to work). Sweets took his 4. So we had 7 kids with us. Caden went to the nursery and the other six went to Children's church.

Mr X and I were sitting in our regular spot, near the back (next to last row) when Mr X said "Oh no! My parents are here!". They went to Sunday school at their church but thought they would visit ours for Big Church. They sat right behind us. I hope they liked the church/pastor. I think it would be cool if they started going to our church.

I really like the Pastor. He's young enough to be up and well versed...but old enough to know what he's doing. After church was over I went to get Caden from the nursery. And found out he had bit someone. HARD. Drew blood. ON HER STOMACH!! I thought "Geez. I don't want us to get kicked out of CHURCH!" I waited til we got to Sweets parents to "spare the rod, spoil the child". He wasn't spoiled at all. He has been biting lately. He even bit Mr X on the shoulder today. And bit Mr X oldest daughter on the finger--very hard. I threatened to pull his teeth out. He wasn't impressed.

After we all changed clothes we took all 7 to a nearby "Trades Day". We walked around looking at all the wares. I took Cokes and Green Tea in my backpack so we wouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg for drinks there. And we took the kids to McDonalds before hand. It was very hot. HOT-hot. Like 100* with HIGH humidity. Claudia's face was so red. Bless her heart.

BD (the ex) asked me if I could take the kids for a few extra day this next week. He even said "I'll pay ya" OMG! Of course I threatened to choke him if he ever said that to me again! I knew this would happen. He wanted it in the divorce papers that HE is Primary Custodian--but I knew he wouldn't be able to do the job like he thought he wanted to. I don't care. I get to see my kids more. Even though they HATE daycare. Plus, I have my medicine now. And Mr X and I are going out of town next weekend. On a much needed "mini vacation". Just us. No kids. No jobs. We could sleep late!! We haven't slept late or spent the DAY with each other--EVER. I'm looking SO forward to it. Watch this next week crawl by.

After we left Trades Day, I was following Mr X and he drove to the house we are building. I was surprised, because he had said we were going to his parents. When e pulled in the driveway, he jumped out of his car and said "I just wanted to see what it would feel like to take all the kids HOME." Mmmmmm. I love this man.

I Love Me Some August 2008...

2008-08-01T18:16:00.000-10:00

THIS is gonna be a great month. How do I know? Well, for starters, today is the first. The first is a Friday. It is payday. My check had more $$ on it than I had anticipated. And I received 11 hours of OVERTIME pay (that I didn't actually WORK)...gonna consider it a bonus and a brain fart on the book-keepers part. Hee hee.

I also paid my water bill. Yay...we get to bathe for at least one more month!! AND I bought food--good food and by "good food" I mean it isn't cereal or beans. I also was able to purchase one more month worth of sanity. But, that was after I kissed 14 old men and fondled one man going through a mid life crisis. I would like to thank Wyeth for making it (im)possible for the insane to afford the meds so that they are able to live til August 2008. You all suck donkey balls. One without that nice Effexor XR coating.

Later this lovely month, *I* have a birthday. Not just ANY ole birthday, either. It's a doozie. The BIG four-OH. Oh yeah, baby! I will be officially ancient. And I can't WAIT. I'm gonna have a party. You can come. It's BYOB, bring your own boyfriend, cause mines taken! I feel like, that when a woman reaches forty, in this day and age... she is entitled to be a large bitch. That doesn't necessarily mean that she is MEAN. Just IN CHARGE. And she doesn't have to apologize for it. She can smiiiile and enjoy her bitchiness. Bask in the glow of it, even. A woman in her forties is also entitled to grab Life by the ears, lean in close to it's face, start on the chin and sl-ow-ly lick Mr. Life from chin to forehead. She could literally eat Life UP. And go back for a second helping without her husband or significant other reminding her of the gluttony she is partaking. And I think a woman in her forties should get a discount at Victoria's Secret. The standard 10% wouldn't be enough either...Because some serious cash could be dropped on a whole new pantie wardrobe. The last thing the 40 year old women of today should be doing is letting the term "GRANNY PANTIES" live for one more generation.

This month I also get the best present ever. My divorce will be final. SOON. Like...before my birthday, soon. I am not so much celebrating the end of the marriage, because really, I hold no ill will in my heart towards that "dude" I was married to for 19 years. I will be celebrating the beginning of a life, in which *I* will be important, wanted, needed, loved and cherished. And the best part of that is that I KNOW I will be important, wanted, needed, loved and cherished. I am still getting used to being at the top of someones list. It's surreal. I hope I never get used to it. It's like a new present every day, finding out that he still LOVES *me*!!

So, see. August 2008 is packed with chocolate cake, dipped in almond bark and sprinkled with rainbow colored jimmies. And I'm having me a HUGE slice of it!! Want some? Bring some milk.

Ok, That Sooooooooo Didn't Happen...

2008-07-30T08:25:00.001-10:00

(UPDATE: "That last post" was deleted. Was posted due to mental stupidity...more than usual)

That last post was typed under the influence of something I shouldn't have been self medicating with. But, in case you are wondering...it wasn't an ILLEGAL substance.

And I am pretty sure that I didn't "pay" anyone with any "favors" for the yard being mowed. But to be honest--I'd have to ask him, seeing as how I'm unsure how the entire evening went. I DO remember (partially) eating dinner, crying, taking a bath and being read a few chapters of the Bible (was he trying to save me?). Maybe I was baptised?

Anyway... I do have a refill waiting on me, of the doctor prescribed meds. Maybe after a few days I will get my sanity, memory and life back. But it will all be OK. I'm pretty sure of it.

PS: No alcohol or cigs. Not only am I OUT... I'm quitting. These things can't be good for me. Right?

Normal Jealousy? Or Mood Disorder Glitz...

2008-07-27T12:31:00.000-10:00

Went to church with Sweets this morning. There was a guest speaker. He was all of 22. And boring as all get out. I know why some fall asleep in church now. After church we went to Sweets parents house (our usual hang out on Sundays).

Sweets got a call from his kids not long after we got there. Reminding him that he promised to go with them to the local waterpark today. "Them" includes the ex wife. Hmmmmmm....

They are going in seperate cars...but still. Four kids and two parents. Sounds like a family outing to me. I can't help but have a bad taste in my mouth. Especially since I overheard Sweets Dad tell him "You know she is holding out hope that you two will get back together."

Ohhhhh, that makes me feel soooooooo much better. Not. So, now I feel like I'm in competition with her for his affections. Well, part of me does. The rational part of me says "Whatever! I know. You know, He knows...it is sooooooo over." But I also know someone who just went back to an abusive (mentally, emotionally and I suspect physically) spouse. All for the kids.

Story of my life. And now Caden has pooped and took off his diaper and is sitting in the kitchen floor. Great!

Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This...

2008-07-25T13:27:00.001-10:00

Most people celebrate Fridays. TGIF and all that hooha. Normally Fridays ARE great. But Fridays are not so good to me. Fridays mean that my kids have to go to daycare alllll day. From 8am until 530PM. Thats a long time for them. They don't like it. It's boring.

Carson has a habit of cursing and biting at daycare. Claudia gets emotional and cries usually. It makes me sad. Because I can't do anything about it. I wish I could. But I can't. Claudia wants me to tell you she is the sweetest girl in the entire world!!!! And she is. But she gets sad there sometimes. Life is hard for these kids recently. Carson's joy comes from video games and Claudia's comes from Webkinz. Geez Louise, I just spelled it wrong and she corrected me. Smarty pants! LOL

Caden barely tolerates daycare--but that's because *I* am his teacher. So he has me all day. Except at nap time--that's when I leave for an hour and a half to go home to nap--see Sweets or run errands (ie tan, grocery shop, pay bills...).

Today alot of my kiddos/students were grumpelstilkiens. Fridays are crappy for them too. They know that the weekends mean change. Some go from Dad's house to Mom's or vice versa. Some get to stay up late/sleep late. Some have Birthday parties and practice of *some* sort. Some see Daddy (he's been working all week). They know that something is "a foot". Different. Out of the ordinary.

So all of us were "off". Because--even tho I saw Sweets at lunch (a QUICK lunch), I won't see him again until Sunday at church. These are the days that make me sad. I miss having him with me. I miss talking to him--even just seeing him on the couch while I unload the dishwasher. Am I a sicko or what?! I mean, geez. Am I in the 7th grade OR WHAT!?

The only bright spot in my Fridays is that I have my kids. And Fridays and Saturdays are "sleepover" nights. We pull the couch bed out and we watch TV/movies until they fall asleep. We eat popcorn. Drink Coke and laugh about everything and nothing. THESE are good times. I love my kids. I do. I do. I do.

Ain't That Always The Way?...

2008-07-23T15:24:00.001-10:00

Ever give yourself completely to someone and then get crapped on? Ever feel like someone is your bestest friend in the entire world? Like there is no one else you can 100% trust, tell secrets to...open your very soul and being to and then that same person treats your trust and openness like dog sh*t on their shoe?

I have. And I never-never-never will again. Ever.

I hate feeling vunerable. I hate depending on someone to trust. To entrust people with your heart and soul is dangerous. People who seem trustworthy...aren't. Because the very moment you think you are safe--you aren't. That person will turn on you in a very heart beat. Even quicker. And smile or laugh their lying ass off while doing it--if they can gain something from it. Even if their gain is worth $.02

Why? You ask why? This is my answer: Hell if I know.

I have no best friend. Do I need one? Nooooooope.

I have Mr X--or do I? He's the closest thing I have to a best friend. But I find it hard to trust even him 100%. I am convinced that time is never on my side--that eventually he will wake up or realized that no only am I one craaaazy chick--but that I am unworthy. Part of me wants to do circus tricks and make him fall soooo in love with me that nothing I do or say or DON'T do will sway his love for me. But...thats my "happily ever after" fairy tale side talking. And we all know there is no such thing. Another part of me wants to push him away before he has the chance to do that to me...but I can't.

What is wrong with me? I hope I'm about to start my period--isn't that what every MAN says to their woman when she acts retarded? Surely there is a reasonable explanation for my stupidity--oh! wait. Maybe it's my Bipolar talking. Darn Bipolar. I almost forgot I really am CRAZY. It's just not fair. But, as my Mother used to say..."When you were born the doctor whacked you on the ass and said 'Life will never be fair'." Gee, Thanks Mother.

I Just Love Mushy, Romantic Crap, Don't You?...

2008-07-22T08:04:00.001-10:00

My boyfriend has a way with words. Both spoken and written. I'll never be published--nor do I care a tiddly wink, but he is...

And he's well read. He can, not only quote chapters from the Bible...he can quote poems. A few nights ago he brought over a book of Shakespeare's sonnets. He told me he had one picked out to read to me. But before he could read it to me, he "blogged" it to me. Now, if you read it and you start to gag-- just know that what makes YOU gag...makes me, well...just know it made me verrrry happy.

(edited: Took away the link to his post to protect his reputation--which would be ruined by dating me)

Burritos For Breakfast...

2008-07-19T06:46:00.001-10:00

For some reason I am unable to eat sweet foods for breakfast anymore. Makes me feel so sick. And it makes me sad. I love doughnuts. Life cereal. Cereal bars.

This morning, about 10AM, Mr X came by and fixed coffee. I can't/haven't figured out his coffee contraption yet. All I know is he puts beans and water in there--and we have coffee 5 minutes later. Anyway, I hadn't eaten breakfast so I fixed myself a burrito and BEANS! After I added homemade hot sauce to both--I gobbled it down. It was delish! I may be eating that breakfast again soon. But not tomorrow. Going to church with Mr X. We went last weekend (just Mr X, Me and MY 3 kids)--but I bet we REALLY land on the prayer list when we show up with all the kids. All 11 and under. So, burritos and beans...and church... probably not a good idea.

Carson is having a really hard time lately. Bad dreams. Night terrors. Spitting. Cursing (mainly at his sister--or his daycare teacher). And he tried to bite the Director of the daycare/school AND his teacher yesterday. CB took him off his meds to see if it made a difference. It didn't. He acts just a bad ON it as he does OFF it. I think he needs to go to a therapist. AND make adjustments to his meds. He has anger issues. Definitely Oppositional Defiant! If he hasn't "bonded" with you and you try to grab his arm...or get in his face...it will not be pretty.

I'm unsure if its the divorce...or his meds. Or what. But...school starts back up next month...this needs to be under control ASAP. CB told me he was making him an appointment with a "play" therapist. Carson isn't one' to talk to doctors--he still doesn't talk to his Psychiatrist. Of course, Carson IS only 6.

Mr X can sometimes get him under control...and I know CB can. But his poor choices (Carson's) are making an impression on Caden--and even Claudia is more violent and verbally abusive than usual. Sigh. Can't we all just get along??

Caden got into fingernail polish this morning. Painted his nails, a wall in my room, my mattress pad and the carpet a little. This is very aggravating. He turned a laundry basket over and climbed on it to reach the bathroom counter...climbed up THERE to reach the polish on top of an armoire that I have in my bathroom. Any ideas how to get it off the wall? RED POLISH. Magic Eraser isn't cutting it. Neither is polish remover. Any wonder I'm 3/4 insane?

Send help. A St Bernard with liquor would be helpful--but wait til the kids leave Sunday night--no alcohol before then!!

54 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall...

2008-07-17T07:57:00.001-10:00

I've never been a beer drinker. Always thought the nasty taste of beer would HAVE to compare to the taste the sweat off a hogs balls would taste like (never tasted that--but assumming its NASTY). But Mr X IS a beer drinker--*Maybe* one per night. No more than 6 per week (his way of saying he has 6 pack abs LMAO). Mr X is a beer snob. He only drinks micro brewery beer. No Bud Lite for him, Oh no. Right now, his favorites are Shiner 99 and Samuel Adams Summer Ale.

Mr X went to the beer store for us...and for his Dad. And picked up a few 6 packs. I will never let him go alone again. LOL. He came back with NINE six packs. We have enough beer for 2 months!! I tried a cream stout from Shiner. DARK beer. Black, even. It tasted like burnt chocolate. With half a cup of coffee thrown in for good measure.

I'm not saying it tasted BAD, per se. But it waaaaasssss different. An interesting taste. One I might try again. This will not be my favorite tho. The Summer Ale is my favorite so far. Of course, I drank it after doing clean up at the construction site of our new home. So I was HOT, TIRED and THIRSTY. And we all know that ANY beer taste A-OK then!!

Mr X ays the house WILL be finished by the end of October. It's slow going when you are building it yourself, work 60 hours per week and have a love affair with basketball. I love to watch him play basketball. I love to talk smack to him while he's playing too. He get a kick outta hearing me tease him when the guys he's SUPPOSED to be guarding gets a shot off.

He has to frame the garage into 2 more bedrooms. Then we can start on sheetrock. And the bricklayers can comme--the outside JUST needs brick and IT'S done!! Then the work on the inside starts. I'm getting excited. So are his oldest 2 kids. His oldest turns 12 in two months. And already plans on moving in with us (we won't move in until we are married--no shacking up here, folks). So, these are exciting times.

Broke As A Joke...

2008-07-08T13:59:00.001-10:00

You know how to tell Wal Mart to "f*ck you"? Go broke. Then you can't even afford to walk in there. I toasted stale bread for breakfast. Skipped lunch. Grilling freezer burned chicken for dinner.

Good thing the kids are at their Dad's.

And good thing that Mr X likes chips and hot sauce...

Happy 7th of July!!

2008-07-06T10:48:00.001-10:00

I just spent my July 4th weekend cruising the beach. Wearing a semi-bikini. It IS a 2 piece--but my "kangaroo pooch" was covered. Which is more than I can say for some beached whales I saw on the beaches of Galveston.

Me and the 3 smallest went to see my parents (who live in Galveston).

I spent the bulk of my weekend talking to my ex and his girlfriend--trying to get them back together. OH! Did I tell you she is my ex best friend? Anyways, I know she makes CB happy--and my kids love her--and her semi-ex is an asssssshole. So, even tho this is a huge Jerry Springer episode--what can I say!?

I missed Mr X ALOT. He missed me. I see him later tonight--and I cant wait.

I think CB and I came to an agreement for the divorce. It isnt the BEST. But...it keeps us out of court--and the kids out of court. I really dont want to say too much, especially since he has the address to this blog (hey CLIFF!!!!!).

I have a new cell phone number--if you only have my old one--dont call it...CB keeps track of every call I make on that one. Email me (uncontainedchaos@hotmail.com) and I'll give it to ya--if I know and trust ya!!! LOL

Tomorrow, its back to work. I have to go fix my lesson plan. Which really means...drag some stuff outta my butt, clean it off and make it sound educational, fun and artsy-fartsy!!

Have a good week, sports fans!!

Father's Day...

2008-06-15T13:33:00.001-10:00

Today is Father's Day. Me and the kids bought CB a Tshirt at Wal Mart. I bought one for Mr X also...for his kids to give him. I remember at Mothers's Day... CB didn't have anything from then kids. I got things they made at school. He didn't help them at all. And that's OK. But still. You'd think, wouldn't ya, since I was married to him for 19 years...Oh! Never mind.

I went and saw Mr X yesterday. At his parent's house. His kids were there. And I had 3 of mine. They all played together well. Mr X and I sat in lawn chairs by the pond--in the shade, its hotter than you-know-what here now. My electric bill for May was $161. OMG! He's doing better--but still sick. He went to the hospital a few days ago--and he's STILL sick...oh well.

CB picks the kids up in 45 minutes. YAY!! I've about had enough. Really.

We went to see my parents today. They are in town because my Uncle's brother is about to die-he has cancer. And my cousin/brother and his wife and son are here too. It was nice to see them. Little T (that's what Claudia calls him) is soooo cute...he's almost 2. It was funny to hear him calling Claudia...he looooves Claudia. I wore as red shirt and the kids did too--I had Josh's wife take our picture at my grandma's house--it's pretty good...but Claudia's in a bad mood. Even CALIE went with us!!! She was going to spend the night last night but said her Dad would be mad. (??!!)

Mr X is supposed to come over later...but he still seemed sick yesterday. I called him today to say "Happy Father's Day" earlier and he said he was feeling better, but who knows. Haven't heard from him since. My "illness" makes my mind wonder if he's not tired of me already...but my "sane" mind tells me he's still sick. He's not funny when he's sick. At all. Depressing actually. I have to keep him healthy.

I tried to mow my yard earlier, but the stinking mower wont start...I have a neighbor/friend who borrowed my mower and it hasnt started right since then--he says its the throttle...but I'm mechanically handicapped. So, I'll ask CB to start it when he comes...so I can push mow 1 acre. Yahooooo. (not!)

Ok, so I'll confess....I'm not divorced yet. Not even filed. Moonpie was supposed to do it weeks ago. We have to "agree" on custody and everything else first. His conditions were CRAZY to me. He wants to pay my part of the equity in the house out at $50 bi weekly. I took NOTHING from the house. Except my clothes, a few clothes for the kids and MY TV (that Mimi bought me when I got out of the nut house). He wants the kids 3 days/nights per week---HIS days off. *I* get them EVERY weekend. He want to pay me $400 bi weekly in child support (he made $70,000 last year) and pay ALL their medical insurance, copays and RX. He wants "the NO SHACK UP cause"...Please. And he wants me to not be able to take the kids out of the school district they are now in.

My response was..."YOU dont get to tell ME who stays at MY house". "You need to get an appraisal of the house ASAP...and if/when you sell the house you pay my part IN FULL at closing". "You can pay me $100 bi weekly in the meantime since I took basically NOTHING from the home we had". So, instead of a civil divorce--I'll probably have to hire an attorney and stick it to him--could get ugly.

Oh. The best part?? He's dating my best friend (doesn't that make her my EX best friend??). More power to them. She's going through a divorce too. Not a pretty one either. Ah! Makes ya wonder....how long was this going on?? Who cares??

So...this has been a fabulous day. Hahaha. Not. I'm in a grand ole mood. Think I'll get drunk. Pass out--before Sweets starts snoring...

And So It Continues...

2008-06-13T18:08:00.001-10:00

Guess who is STILL sick? Not me. Mr X. He's MAJOR ill. Had-to-go-to-the-hospital ill. Went to the doctors twice. Had 3 shots. 2 or 3 diff antibiotics. And he's STILL sick. Geez. I feel sooooo bad for him. And I can't DO anything. It makes me so sad. I know he feels awful. He's lost 10 lbs. I haven't seen him since Tuesday night. May not seem like much to you... but remember when you were first in love? You want to spend every minute you can with them... and when you can't--it physically HURTS? Yea. Like that.

He's at his Mom and Dads house. I hope they are taking good care of him. LOL Me and the kids may go out there tomorrow...check on him. His parents have a pond. Ducks. Chickens. Trampoline. Playhouse. Lots of beautiful yard to run around in... the kids loooove it out there.

Mr X is taking vacation next week. Gonna work on that house he's building. And probably get himself sick again working in this humid/heat. Wish I could take off and make him sandwiches and take him some tea to drink... Or just sit around and watch him work and listen to him joke around....and laugh.

I just want him well. I want my funny, happy Mr X back. To be honest, I even miss his snoring. Well....almost. My next big project is to get him to the doctor for his sleep apenea. I just got certified in CPR...and every night I think "I'm gonna have to do CPR on him!!" And you cant just poke them and they quit either. It's relentless. Whether he's on his back, stomach or side...OMG!!! It's awwwful. He's slept on the couch the last few times he's stayed over...and I had to shut my bedroom door to go to sleep, his snoring was SO loud.

So, any advice? I mean, other than ear plugs?

Sick As A Dog...

2008-06-06T14:54:00.001-10:00

I've been so sick... So has Mr X. We both have been soooo sick. We both went to the doctor on Thursday. I had a sinus infection, lower respiratory infection and a UTI. Sweets has strep throat. OMG. We both are on antibiotics. And feel like crap.

I just took Mr X to his parents house. He'll recoup there until Monday. So, I'm sad. I won't see him until Monday. Doesn't seem like a long time to you--but it will feel like a lifetime to me.

I feel terrible--and he's not here. So now I feel worse.

And the kids are here... so I can't even REALLY feel bad... I have to be "on" all the time they are here. And all I feel like doing is getting drunk. and passing out. And laying in bed. And moaning in pain.

It's going to be a loooong weekend...

Meeting The Parents...

2008-06-03T12:51:00.001-10:00

I've already met Mr. Xs parents. That was fun.

His Dad was very nice...I was expecting an ogre...based on Mr. X's description. But he was nice. He even hugged me when I left--wow! Mom's was nice too. We played pool and Monopoly with the kids. It really was fun. I think I may have passed the "mom and dad" test.

My parents are in town for a funeral right now. And tonight I'm taking Mr X over to met them. I KNOW he will pass the test. They are excited to meet him. I'm excited to show him off. I'm so proud of him. He's soooooo good. So good to me. Good to my kids... And eager to help me with them without stepping on toes or over stepping bounderies. He's so calm. But they WANT to please him and mind him--why cant they do that for me??

The kids went to CB's Sunday night, and I dont get them back until Thursday after work. I miss them. But 10 minutes after they get home they will be on each others nerves and mine. And I'll be praying it was Sunday night again.

So, I gotta go get ready to show my beau off. And he isnt feeling well--a cold or something. He ran fever all night--and hogged covers...so, I was up alot too. I hope we get to bed at a decent hour tonight. I need some rest. I'll let ya know how the "meeting" goes--tho I can see into the future and I know they will love him as much as I do...and that's aloooooot.

Saturday...

2008-05-31T03:21:00.001-10:00

I have to work a few hours today to get my new classroom ready for the Summer Session at the school. I feel almost like crap. Like I got drunk and then "played" allllll night...oh! wait...I did! LOL Word to the wise: Don't do that. Don't.

The rest of my Saturday will be spent cleaning up around HERE...at home. I woke up to find that Carson and Caden got into Claudias nail polish. Carson painted his dresser blue, green and hot pink. Also, he painted his nipples yellow and his toes blue. Yay. Not.

Mr X has to work today. Every Saturday. Then he's coming over to free the mower. *I* mowed with the ride on mower for the first time Thursday. I'm told I did a crappy job. Or rather, that the MOWER did a piss poor job. And right now, the mower is "stuck" in my yard. And since it belongs to someone else...he needs to free it and get it back "home", where it belongs.

So, off I go to turn my room into an "Under the Sea" vision for 3 yr old eyes...hope I can do that without getting seasick.

Happy weekend all. Get some sleep...you need it.

Geez..., And Now Back To Your Regular Program...

2008-05-30T08:52:00.001-10:00

Alot has happened. I left Moonpie. Moved into my own cardboard box... dated a little. And fell in love twice. Once was a disaster. The second one is...well, its wonderful.

So... Let me tell you a bit. UPDATE....

Calie is living w Dad. Or, we will now refer to him as Clifford the Big Red Dog...CB for short. He bought her a brand new car. So she got a new car and gets to stay away from her brothers and sister.

Claudia was accepted into Gifted and Talented. Go figure--shes a smart ass, what can I say!! LOL She loves so irritate, istigate and frusterate her brothers. And me on occasion.

Carson has lost 2 teeth in the last week. He is adorable. His ADHD is realtively unde control--enough so that his teacher has decided he can advance to first grade (EEEEKKKKKKK). He is still a hand full. But precious and precocious.

Caden, Oh Caden. Talking up a storm. Back talking...told me to "shut up" this morning. Has been bitting in day care. Mean as a snake. But a favorite with all the ladies. Has a nick name there: Flash. Because if a door is left open he will RUN...in a flash...

My new Beau. I'll call him....Mr. X...we play well together. I love him. I do. I do. I do.

Me...still crazy. Still on my meds. But happier than I've ever been--really, I can HONESTLY say that. Wow.

So, there's your update for now...more later.

I Am Still Living...

2007-12-10T07:19:00.000-10:00

Alot has happened. Calie=worse teenage behaviour ever--don't say 'they all go thru it' or I will come thru the computer and kill you (only barely kidding). At least I am not going to be a gma (yet).

Carson was switched to Strattera for his ADHD. Doing better--but his teacher is already talking of holding him back next year. Sigh. For godsake, he is only in Kgarden!! He is very very smart--but behind socially and behaviourally. In other words, smart as a 5 year old but immature as a 3 year old. Example: CPS was called to our house (loooooong story) and while I was visiting with the representatives Carson was angry that I couldn't give him all my attention--so he peed in the toybox. Niiiice.

Claudia is becoming a angel/devil. Somedays she can be so hateful. She constantly slips notes under Calie's doore like "Calie is a cry baby" or "Calie is mean and fat" or "Calie is grounded. Love, Dad" Then she can be sweet and draw a card for every person she knows telling them how much she like them and how she wants them to come over for a tea party or for an ice cream party.

Caden is showing his assertiveness by throwing toys (usually AT people), biting and pulling the hair if his siblings then running off to hide. He can talk better now. Tho we went in to see the ear, Nose, Throat guy and his tubes were coming out and he had an ear infection on once ear. sigh. He calls me "ma" and Moonpie "d". Sometimes he feels like talking in an Italian accent and putting an "ah" sound on the end of some words. "Get up-Ah, Ma. Want Juice-Ah." "I go with D-Ah in his truck-Ah." "Leave me alone-Ah!" "Go Away-AH!!"

We now have 15 cats/kittens. Moonpie keeps saying he will get rid of some of them--but it's hard to tell him which ones I don't want. We now have one in the house--he is Claudia's cat. His name is "Dirty Boy". We also have Ink, Milo, Hissy, Her sister Pissy, Lilly Belle (had a looong time), Tiger, Baby Jane and her 3 babies (one drowned in the dogs huge water bucket) and a few that don't have names--cause they are hard to catch.

My Gma. My Gma discovered she had congested heart failure. She failed a stress test and then she went in and had a heart cath and had open heart surgery the very next day, on Halloween Day. Claudia turned 7 on Nov 1st--and my gma passed away on Nov 2nd and 1AM. At the visitation Claudia went with us as she was sooooo close to mawmaw. Claudia spent the whole time at the casket, smoothing away mawmaws hair from her forehead and holding her hand. She took her High School Musical necklace off and put in the casket with mawmaw.

It has been very hard for me. Mawmaw was always the first one I called if the kids did something funny or they were sick--. Now I can't do that. She made the best cornbread. She was a real homegrown cook. Made banana bread (Moonpies favorite). Was the Queen of "dollar store" shopping. I know Wal-Mart is missing her too. I can remember her stopping to pick a lone shoe up on the side of the road "in case we see the other one in a few miles". She would buy sized 42 pants on sale for $1.00 even if NO ONE wore that size--cause you never know when someone may wear that size! And it was "Only $1.00". She brought me a tooooon of food when Moonpie left me--later I discovered that 80% was past their expiration dates.

I now wear a ring of hers on my finger. And have a few more put away (her Mothers ring). Pieces I may never wear but pieces I love. I have a few of her plants and am determined to keep them alive--the Christmas cactus is starting to bloom...

Moonpie is home now. We both are in counseling--but not together (yet). My psychiatrist sent me a Dear John letter, she is moving to Ft Hood in Texas and is dropping all her patients here--so we have to find a new doctor. sigh.

This past weekend Caden, Carson and I have had the most dreadful virus. Won't go into much detail but I have to wash my sheets (AGAIN) and every blanket/sheet/pillowcase/towel in the house today. And spray everything with Lysol (again). And I feel so weak and tired. You wouldn't believe how long it has taken me to type this post.

My best friends husband just found out on Friday that he is bipolar too. I feel so sorry for her. And for him. I hope I am not as big an ass to Moonpie as her husband is to her.

Can't get into the Christmas Spirit...but I received my 1st Christmas card today--made me smile. Vicki, I love you, man!

Hope everyone is well.Estella, sorry bout your braces--cant seem to post comments on your blog ( www.myfuckingeye.com ). But Calie is having brace issues as well...our treatment was to last 31 months and we are past that. Can you say "out of pocket"? If only she had worn her bands like she was told...now it will be early Summer before they are off...brat.

Excuse typos (or kissmyass).

Helllloooooo!?

2007-09-26T08:14:00.000-10:00

You thought I died---didn't you!? I didn't. I got satellite internet...had trouble getting blogger to recognize ME in my new clothes...see my new email? up there... see it now? Make note of it because the old aol one is, well, old!

Got lots to say. But can't today. Almost time to pick the rug rats up at school.

Hugs and love and pinches

I Might Have Been Born At Night, But Not LAST Night...

2007-08-15T13:15:00.000-10:00

Calie and a friend of hers watched the kids so Moonpie and I could go out to eat last night. After we finished dinner Moonpie decided we would go get Calie a new TV (hers broke about 6 months ago). So we get home about 9PM. I play with the kids and lay on my bed watching cartoons with them while he hooks up the TV, DVD and DirectTV.

I went to sleep about 11PM. Moonpie came to bed about 2AM.

The girls had drill team practice at 10AM but did NOT want to go or get up--I forced them. I'm a mean bitch. Moonpie drove them to practice then came home to work on the DirectTV in her room--it wasn't working...and he found clues leading him to believe that they snuck out last night...snuck out the bathroom window, AFTER 2AM...

When will she learn? Maybe she won't. He took her cell phone away from her (OMG--she may diiiiiieeeee). They said they snuck out (and met a boy) and drove to a friends house and watched a movie... sigh. My therapist tells me that this is all "normal" teenage behaviour...I guess I want her to be abnormal like I was and NOT sneak out.

He Is Definatley A Boy...

2007-08-12T08:52:00.000-10:00

Carson has Moderate (not) to Severe (yep) ADHD. He tets my patience, my sanity, my ability to hold off on homicide on a daily basis. Yet, I love him more than them all. I have to. Because everyone else has a deep roted fear or disqust of him.

Right now, behind my bed he has thrown a broken raw egg. A soda bottle that he *says* he peed in. And an orange from 2 months ago. My bed weighs 2 tons. I can't move it unless I take the whole thing apart. Not gonna happen. PS: nothing stinks (yet). He is really into spitting lately. I hope it's not a "tick" associated with Tourettes. But I can ask about it tomorrow at his psychiatrist appt. I haven't been consistent in giving him meds because he deerves a break this summer (I think). I do medicate him if we will be in public (ie Birthday party) or stuck inside alllll day. But I don;t know if it really makes enough of a difference. When he comes down off his meds he is very whiny and clingy. Like 'in your face' clingy. The whining will make your ears bleed. Or your ulcer.

The other night I was sitting on the couch with him watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turltles and he looked up at me and said "Mama, your hair looks better hanging down" (I had it clipped up). So I undid the clip and fluffed my hair and said "Like this?" And he said "yeah, now your hair is as poofy as the rest of you". I said "Huh? Where am I poofy?" Carson replied "Your legs, yor butt and your tummy". So matter of fact. Like he was still giving me a compliment. Just like the males in his species--can't give a compliment and in seem sincere. Boys!

PS: He kept leaning over During the moving and kissing my arm or hand (his "male" way of saying "I'm sorry?")!

Year 16, The Year Of The Devil...

2007-07-29T06:49:00.000-10:00

Oh my. Calie is not normal. She radiates hate towards me and Moonpie. And her siblings. Last night I told her to come home (she was "hanging out" with friends). She told me they were watching a movie and she would come home at the end. I told her "no--come home NOW". Her reply? "Mother, stop being so stupid!" OMG. I wanted to strangle her. I told her to get her ass home before I called AT&T and disconnected her pphone service. She was home in 30 minutes.

She can't wait til she is 18. She thinks she will just move out and her life will be a big party. I ask her "How will you pay your bills?" She will work. "How will you go to school?" When I'm not working. "So that leaves *how* much time to party?" UGH. Lots of people do it Mom. Quit saying I can't do it.

She hates us so much she will leave and never come back. I will never see her unless she needs money. This is not what I envisioned. This is not how it is supposed to be.

I can't leave her with the kids for very long at all. They say she is "so mean" when I am gone. They hate to stay with her.

She has a therapy appointment comeing up in early August. I hope it helps her. I really do. I need a break.

Corn. I Will Never Serve Corn Again...

2007-07-27T14:06:00.000-10:00

I have been changing diapers all day with corn in them. And it has been the most disqusting thing I have ever looked at or smelled in all the other kids I have produced. Especially when it is smeared on my bedroom window sill.

It is days like this that I look towards the sky, not so much towards heaven, but mainly just UP to get the kids out of my line of vision, and I moan--When? When will this shit end?!! People who are well meaning (my therapist, psychiatrist) say that in a few years things will be so much better when they grow up a little and need us less. HAHAHAHAHAHA. This makes me burp up a little vomit. They forget we have a 16 year old. When Claudia turns 16, Carson will be 15 and Caden 12. This shit won't end until I am OLD(er). Why...I'll be 49 and Cliff will be 54. I'll be in Rusk (Insane Aslumn)

Speaking of my Psychiatrist...I'm begginning to think she is a figment of my dilusions. I had an appointment with her in June. I showed up and their electricity was off--some transformer crap of an excuse. So I was rescheduled for July 30th. Today I got a note in the mail and it's been rescheduled to August 31st. I told the scheduler that didn't she understand that I am a crazy person and she is making my life harder not easier. She said if I needed more meds (which I do!) I could come to the clinic and talk to a nurse (ooooooooh Goooooody).

ok, gotta go. Fight over a blanket while watching Sharkboy and Lavagirl (omg.).

That's How I Roll...

2007-07-23T16:00:00.000-10:00

Tonight I sit here in front of my new computer...that is just as slow as the one we bought when I was pg with Claudia (2000). But this week someone who shines, who glows with a light from within, who can brighten smiles and is responsible for spontaneous parties will come into my home and give me satellite internet!!!!! I will post with the speed of a NASCAR driver. I will surf the net til my fingers shrivel. I will be happy. Calie will be estatic.

Onto other news. Caden pooped in a potty yesterday. Twice. Peed on the floor 3 times. Peed in Diego! underwear 3 times. We were thrilled. HE was thrilled. Today he wore the potty on his head.

Calie is about to start therapy. Don't ask me why--cause I'm not sure. But she has told me things that made me wish she wasn't so "comfortable" talking to me. She asked me yesterday "Mom? How do you know when you are in love?" I wanted to say "Don't ask me--obviously I picked a loser!" (tee hee)

Moonpie and I are getting along great (still no sex). I almost feel like he is my friend (I dont think I ever thought of him as a friend before). I feel less like shooting the finger at the back of his head or cussing him out from the saftey of the laundry room (where he can't hear me). I still have urges to slap him upside the head--but I am able to control those urges.

Claudia is almost 16. Can you believe it? 16. what? she's only six?! Are you sure? I am beginning to wonder if Carson does NOT have ADHD--I think all his bad behaviour is because Claudia is constantly aggravating, frusterating and irritating him. She wants lipgloss on at all times. And bosses the entire family around. Wench.

Carson's T-ball team won 1st place in their league. Carson spent alot of time digging in the dirt or scratching his ummmm...leg, so I can't say that huge trophy was due to his catching skills or tagging abilities. BUT, he ALWAYS got on 1st base when he hit! He has a new hero. Spiderman. I bought him the outfit at Wal Mart and he has worn it for 4 days straight this time. It even has a mask!

We now have 7 cats (2 of who are currently pregnate AGAIN) and 7 kittens. FREE KITTENS! Get your FREE KITTENS here!!

Bipolar Thoughts...

2007-04-20T07:45:00.000-10:00

My life really is a mess right now. Calie is sneaking out, lying...being 16. Carsons ADHD meds stopped working long enough for him to spray paint my washer and dryer black (in the middle of the night)...then a few days later he busted 30 eggs into his bed and carpet in the middle of the night. We started him on new meds yesterday--so far so good. I have been diagnosed as bipolar. I'm on enough meds that sound scary to start my own psychotic show (Lithium and Klonopin to name a few).

And Moonpie (AKA Asshole) left me on Monday because he "Couldn't support me in the way I needed". He also isn't attracted to me AT ALL--and there isn't even a "spark" there anymore. 12 hours later he changed his mind and begged me to let him stay-- I may be fucking crazy but I told him to get his crap and GO. It's gonna take ALOT to heal these wounds--they may never heal. But I will survive (With God and some gooooooood drugs). PS: He left all 4 kids, 6 dogs, 5 cats (and 4 kittens) and 1 fish with me. He went to his mothers (who has yet to call and check on her "daughter-in-law OR grandkids). Wednesday was his day off--he didn't come see the kids. He saw them last night.

I gotta go. I have no concept of time right now and I need to ice some cupcakes for school.

REAL Mental Illness Ain't Funny...

2007-04-07T04:44:00.000-10:00

Thursday I went and saw a psychiatrist. The meds I've been on were not doing what I needed them to do. You know, keep me sane. Safe, My kids safe too. I was unsure about this new doctor, his waiting room looked like Christmas. The tree was still up. Holiday cards fixed to the walls....weird.

When he finally called me in he asked me questions. I talked a blue streak. My knees were jumping up and down like CRAZY. I couldn't stop them. (I tried-hard)

So now I am Bipolar I. On Lithium(300mg 2x). Klonnipin(1mg 3x per day) Effexor XR (150mg) and Trazadone 50mg. I am a druggie. And a lifetime of crazy--there is no cure for this. And I can pass it along to my kids.

I'm not happy.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not...

2007-02-18T04:16:00.000-10:00

I know. It's been a long time. I have no excuse--rather, I have 1 million of them. If I told you everything you wouldn't believe me. Ha, you probably would! To save you (and me) time I'll be brief.

Calie. Turned 16. Grounded until the next lunar eclipse. Did you ever pull the ole 'I'm spending the night with "C"' but "C" tells her parents that she is spending the night with "D"? yeah. She spent the night at a 20 year old BOYS house with about 15 other kids. There was drinking and everything. Well, not 'everything'. But enough to ensure grounding until the next lunar eclipse. Plus she will have a "C"(!!!WTF?) in Geometry.

Claudia. Lost her first tooth. Got lice at school. Went to the Sweetheart Ball with her Daddy.

Carson. Got sent to the office at school (while in PreK!!). Told his teacher "blah, blah, blah-blah blah." When she asked him if he understood what she had just said to him. Missed 3 days of school due to fever--no idea what is wrong with him. Still ADHD (bad).

Caden. Has had 13 ear infections in 15 months. Is having tubes put in on the 28th of this month. Has moderate hearing loss. Has 15 teeth. A temper. And a poopy diaper. Hasn't slept well in 3 weeks now. Neither have I.

Moonpie. Had an episode of pvc's (skipped heart beats). Went to the ER. Where he had NONE. I had to throw the biggest fit to get him to go to the ER (it wasn't purdy). Where we then spent $600 for them to say "hmmmm... take this prescription to help regulate your heartbeat. Get a cardiologists just in case it ever happens again. Good luck."

Me. Yeast infection. Water aerobics. The FLU. Did you know there is a test for the flu? I didn't. They shove a q-tip up your nose til it is lodged into the frontal lobe of your brain. If the brain matter is green and infected then they say "You test positive for the flu!!" Vicodin. NyQuil. Tamiflu. and 4 days in a coma. And you still feel like crap. whoooeeee!

Today is Carson's 5th Birthday. But we aren't telling him. We are celebrating tomorrow (kids are out of school).

Missed you all....

Headway...

2006-12-11T08:23:00.000-10:00

Remember that Moonpie went hunting? Well, he is due home later tonight--about 5PM. I have to say, I missed him...some. I looked forward to him calling me every night and telling the kids "No. No, Bubba...I didn't get a deer today. But I shot a HOG!" or "I saw alot of squirrels.", guess it's another empty handed year.

I did little to none housework while he was gone. I figured *I* needed a break too. Even IF I had to be here with the kids. We all piled up in the living room and slept on pallets (I did get those put up every day) both Friday night and Saturday night. I thought I would have a hard time getting them to sleep in their own beds Sunday night, but they did alright. Of course Carson ended up in bed with me after midnight--then peed in my bed.

So today has been clean it up day. Kids are in school. Only Caden here to distract me. I've cleaned the kitchen (swept and mopped too!)! The living room is cleanish and I even made my bed--with fresh clean non pee smelling sheets. The clothes are all put away and I even cleaned off the bar (Moonpie's pet peeve). My legs are freshly shaved and my hair is clean--all in preparation for his homecoming. Bet he doesn't even notice. He better!!

Moonpie lost his keys a few weeks ago. We looked everywhere for them. Well, obviously not *everywhere* since I found them today while cleaning out the kids closet. They were IN a pair of shoes...wonder who did that?! So, I know Moonpie will be thrilled when I tell him that. Seriously. No, seriously.

So, I guess I am feeling good. Right this minute I smell good and my house is cleanish. So, I am making headway into sanity. Part of my feeling good is this: A very dear friend (who I haven't talked to in a few weeks) called me on Saturday and asked how *I* was feeling and what meds I was on--because she is *very* depressed and was seeing a doctor that afternoon. I talked to her for 2 hours. She sounded pretty bad off. Thoughts of suicide. Tons of self blaming and loathing (Been there, done that). I felt good that I knew what to say--that I could advise her and counsel her. I gave her the number to my therapist and offered to keep her baby (6 months old) while she went to the docs. I felt bad that I didn't know what she was dealing with, since I hadn't talked to her--but I felt good after we got off the phone. She called me after her appt and sounded SO much better. She's on meds now. And I could hear relief in her voice that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I just have to vacuum and dust and I am done for the day. I feel like "I'm King of the World!!!"

Jangle Bells...

2006-12-05T18:02:00.000-10:00

The kids are getting excited about Christmas. We (*I*) put up the tree the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It's a tie between Caden and Carson on who gets in trouble the most for touching the tree. Carson is doing GREAT on his new dose of meds--his teacher actually called me twice in one week to tell me what a good job he is doing. She said it's "amazing" what a difference the increase has made. I've seen NO ugly side effects either! Goooooo Team! Carson asked for Santa to bring him a jingle bell--we saw The Polar Express and he wants a jingle bell from Santa's sleigh. I'll bet he gets one too!

Caden has added a few words or 'it sounds like a word' to his vocabulary. Plea (Please). CookE (cookie). Nanna (banana). Ha ha ha (Ho Ho Ho). The cold(er) weather here has caused his eczema to flare up BAD. His legs look like scratching posts. Poor baby. I had to buy a lock for the fridge cause he learned to open it and would bring me packages of wieners or the ketchup.

Claudia had Parents Day at dance. That's when you get to sit in on the class that you pay for and SEE them dancing! She did pretty good. She got tired of doing the same dance over and over and over so she made up her own steps...I forgot my camera and video--but took crappy pictures with my phone and even crappier video to show Moonpie. Her tap dance is to Chattanooga Choo-Choo. CUTE! Good thing they have until June or July before recital...They got a ways to go.

Calie has the hots for a new fella. He likes her too--but they are moving slow (good). Football season is over but the drill team will be performing at all home games for the basketball season. J plays basketball. It's so funny to hear her come home and tell me word for word what was said at lunch. "Then he said________ and I laughed and said ________!" I hope it never ends...The 'her talking to me' thing...

Moonpie has been extremely nice the past few days. May have something to do with the fact that he leaves on Friday to go on a hunting trip to West Texas--and won't return until LATE Monday night. I told him that he BETTER bring something home...Even if he has to run over and armadillo to do it. The past few years he has come home empty handed. He bow hunts which means they have to crawl into your lap before you can shoot one...Plus he keeps waiting for Bambi's father to show up (big--lots of antlers--trophy sized) and he never does.

I've been feeling a little better (depression wise). I've been putting my plasma money on account and I have over $100 in there so far. I usually get my money before the hole in my arm clots over and have it spent before I get home. So saving it is a big thing for me. I want to get Moonpie something good for Christmas--without spending alot of money. I almost have a touch of Christmas Spirit. Today I added butter and egg to a mix and rolled out some sugar cookies--I made alot of Christmas trees, stars, angels and reindeer. Then I let Claudia and Carson spread icing on them and add some sprinkles! Of course I made 48 cookies and let them decorate 4 each before my patience was in the negative range. But it was progress... Ho Ho Ho.

Thanksgiving Host...

2006-11-25T08:15:00.000-10:00

I hosted Thanksgiving this year. There was me, my 4 kids (Moonpie was working), my sister, her husband and their 2 boys and my Mother In Law. My brother and his family stayed home this year...I DID ask them to come. I roasted a turkey (I've never done before). Prepared dressing, green bean casserole, scalloped corn casserole, a spinach salad, a (jello pudding) chocolate pie, a cheesecake pie, thawed out some brownies, opened a can of Ocean Spray cranberries, made some jalepeno dip and opened some chex mix. My MIL fried some chicken and made rocking mac n cheese. My sister made a yummy punkin pie. We all pigged out.

I was so thankful for my guests. I was thankful when I carved the turkey and there was no bloody juices. I was thankful my sister browned the rolls--I would have burned them. I am thankful my MIL brought me some new bath towels (she believes in gifting the hostess...so sweet). I am thankful that Claudia, Carson and Caden only pooped 9 times between themselves. Tummy Virus? I was not thankful for the burnt onions on the green bean casserole. Not thankful that I forgot to do the gravy. Not thankful that when Moonpie came home he said "I hope yall plan on cleaning this place up tomorrow". And I swear to you, on a stack of Bibles as tall as Michael Jordan that it was NOT that bad--I had already cleaned the kitchen. But I was thankful that the couch was comfy that night--I slept like a baby--a baby who sleeps thru the night.

Today the dogs ate the left over dressing and the left over green bean casserole. I am supposed to put the Christmas tree up today. sigh. I have my windows open, it is so warm today. Well, warm for the end of November. And I am supposed to put up a Christmas tree today. That means I have to climb up in the attic (while making sure no one climbs the ladder behind me), drag the stuff down (without dropping a huge Rubbermaid tub on anyone's head) and then PUT IT UP! And decorate it. And keep Caden out of the tree. And clean the house to Moonpie's standards (or close).

Think I'll go eat another brownie before I really get started. OH! I bought and read the best book yesterday. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. I read it ALL! and cried my eyeballs out. LOVE IT. Get it if you can. Calie's reading it now.

More Drugs. Please...

2006-11-19T07:48:00.000-10:00

We are upping Carson's Ritalin tomorrow. I think his little liver has caught onto the fact we are drugging him and so it is dumping the meds SO fast. He had been taking half of a 5mg pill in the AM, a quarter of a pill twice at school (10AM and 1PM) and another half at home after school. Now we are moving up to one half 4 times per day.

I am hoping that the increase is tolerated well and that it doesn't cause him to hide under tables and become depressed or over sensitive to EVERYTHING. Or say "Cookie" at everything. That was his catch phrase the last time we upped his meds. "Carson, help Claudia pick up the blocks." "Oh. Cookie. Cookie." If it does we will just back off again and talk to his psychiatrist. I am also hoping that when we go back to the shrink in December that we can move up to the patch. That will cause less of a disturbance to his school schedule.

I was at school with him twice last week. Once for a field trip and then later in the week for "Thanksgiving Dinner" (umm..yuck). He was OK...but I did have a few kids in the class say "Carson is wild" or "He likes to get in our faces too much". I tried to tell them "Well, Carson is just so excited to be at school and he likes his friends so much, we just have to remind him when he gets into your personal space". I want the kids to be kind. To like my boy. To cut him a little slack. I don't want him to become a social outcast. It is hard to explain without saying "Carson is ill. He is different. He is special." I don't want him to be labeled by his peers like that either. Ugh.

On a lighter note...Carson (and Claudia) got new Leap Frog Leapsters (hand held game) that teach numbers, shapes and allows them to be creative and use the drawing section. They LOVE them. Calie said it was the best money we ever spent on them--because the house is almost eerily quiet at times. Thank you Mimi! They LOVE them!!