First of all I am better. I am not WELL. But I am making progress every day. I am learning to exchange negative thoughts for positive ones. Learning to accept compliments. Learning to set up boundaries. Learn that I am NOT Super Mommy/Wife/Friend--that no one is. Learning to lower my own standards--and my voice. Deep breathing. Positive self talk. Trying to think about my feelings BEFORE I show my ass (or bad behavior). Learning to communicate when I need help--or just to talk.
Tomorrow is my last day of intensive out patient therapy. I've had 56 hours of therapy so far in the outpatient hospital (not counting the therapy I received while in inpatient (tell you all about THAT later). After Thanksgiving I go to see an outside therapist--maybe only once per week!!
I am still depressed. Still have immense feelings of being unworthy. Of guilt. But no more thoughts of suicide--I've thought about tearing up (in my mind) my "plans"--but I haven't gotten that down yet. But I don't want to do it(suicide). I never want to feel that ill again. But I can tell I am on the road to recovery. I am sleeping better...Even slept SIX hours the other night!! yehaw!
My Mimi has been here since Nov 4th. Cooking for us. Picking the kids up from school. Cleaning some. I have enjoyed her company. I can't imagine this without her.
I've lost 6 pounds in three weeks. The meds make me not hungry. So I haven't eaten alot. But I am drinking Ensure or SlimFast--not just NOT eating anything.
I've emailed some of my new friends from inpatient. Our Group really bonded. As far as I know everyone is still doing good. Except for one elderly lady who is bipolar--she had to be readmitted the other day--I am sure she will be sent to the State Mental Hospital for long term. They were trying to get her in the last time but she was freaking out--but this last time might be involuntary. A few of us are meeting for lunch soon. It will be nice to see what everyone looks like when they have access to hair dryers and hairspray and makeup or normal clothes haha. The day I was admitted I was wearing a pair of Moonpies jeans and one of his shirts--now I have a new wardrobe, new hairdo and even a PURSE (that can not double as a diaper bag)! They might not recognize me!
It's 9:30PM now...I've got to get ready for bed, tomorrow is my day to get everyone ready for school.
PS: Mimi is calling a few daycares and churches in the area to see about getting Carson into a Mother's Day Out Program--she even offered to PAY for it! OMG.
I quit. Sort of.
2 days ago