Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Ok, That Sooooooooo Didn't Happen...

(UPDATE: "That last post" was deleted. Was posted due to mental stupidity...more than usual)

That last post was typed under the influence of something I shouldn't have been self medicating with. But, in case you are wasn't an ILLEGAL substance.

And I am pretty sure that I didn't "pay" anyone with any "favors" for the yard being mowed. But to be honest--I'd have to ask him, seeing as how I'm unsure how the entire evening went. I DO remember (partially) eating dinner, crying, taking a bath and being read a few chapters of the Bible (was he trying to save me?). Maybe I was baptised?

Anyway... I do have a refill waiting on me, of the doctor prescribed meds. Maybe after a few days I will get my sanity, memory and life back. But it will all be OK. I'm pretty sure of it.

PS: No alcohol or cigs. Not only am I OUT... I'm quitting. These things can't be good for me. Right?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Normal Jealousy? Or Mood Disorder Glitz...

Went to church with Sweets this morning. There was a guest speaker. He was all of 22. And boring as all get out. I know why some fall asleep in church now. After church we went to Sweets parents house (our usual hang out on Sundays).

Sweets got a call from his kids not long after we got there. Reminding him that he promised to go with them to the local waterpark today. "Them" includes the ex wife. Hmmmmmm....

They are going in seperate cars...but still. Four kids and two parents. Sounds like a family outing to me. I can't help but have a bad taste in my mouth. Especially since I overheard Sweets Dad tell him "You know she is holding out hope that you two will get back together."

Ohhhhh, that makes me feel soooooooo much better. Not. So, now I feel like I'm in competition with her for his affections. Well, part of me does. The rational part of me says "Whatever! I know. You know, He is sooooooo over." But I also know someone who just went back to an abusive (mentally, emotionally and I suspect physically) spouse. All for the kids.

Story of my life. And now Caden has pooped and took off his diaper and is sitting in the kitchen floor. Great!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This...

Most people celebrate Fridays. TGIF and all that hooha. Normally Fridays ARE great. But Fridays are not so good to me. Fridays mean that my kids have to go to daycare alllll day. From 8am until 530PM. Thats a long time for them. They don't like it. It's boring.

Carson has a habit of cursing and biting at daycare. Claudia gets emotional and cries usually. It makes me sad. Because I can't do anything about it. I wish I could. But I can't. Claudia wants me to tell you she is the sweetest girl in the entire world!!!! And she is. But she gets sad there sometimes. Life is hard for these kids recently. Carson's joy comes from video games and Claudia's comes from Webkinz. Geez Louise, I just spelled it wrong and she corrected me. Smarty pants! LOL

Caden barely tolerates daycare--but that's because *I* am his teacher. So he has me all day. Except at nap time--that's when I leave for an hour and a half to go home to nap--see Sweets or run errands (ie tan, grocery shop, pay bills...).

Today alot of my kiddos/students were grumpelstilkiens. Fridays are crappy for them too. They know that the weekends mean change. Some go from Dad's house to Mom's or vice versa. Some get to stay up late/sleep late. Some have Birthday parties and practice of *some* sort. Some see Daddy (he's been working all week). They know that something is "a foot". Different. Out of the ordinary.

So all of us were "off". Because--even tho I saw Sweets at lunch (a QUICK lunch), I won't see him again until Sunday at church. These are the days that make me sad. I miss having him with me. I miss talking to him--even just seeing him on the couch while I unload the dishwasher. Am I a sicko or what?! I mean, geez. Am I in the 7th grade OR WHAT!?

The only bright spot in my Fridays is that I have my kids. And Fridays and Saturdays are "sleepover" nights. We pull the couch bed out and we watch TV/movies until they fall asleep. We eat popcorn. Drink Coke and laugh about everything and nothing. THESE are good times. I love my kids. I do. I do. I do.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ain't That Always The Way?...

Ever give yourself completely to someone and then get crapped on? Ever feel like someone is your bestest friend in the entire world? Like there is no one else you can 100% trust, tell secrets your very soul and being to and then that same person treats your trust and openness like dog sh*t on their shoe?

I have. And I never-never-never will again. Ever.

I hate feeling vunerable. I hate depending on someone to trust. To entrust people with your heart and soul is dangerous. People who seem trustworthy...aren't. Because the very moment you think you are safe--you aren't. That person will turn on you in a very heart beat. Even quicker. And smile or laugh their lying ass off while doing it--if they can gain something from it. Even if their gain is worth $.02

Why? You ask why? This is my answer: Hell if I know.

I have no best friend. Do I need one? Nooooooope.

I have Mr X--or do I? He's the closest thing I have to a best friend. But I find it hard to trust even him 100%. I am convinced that time is never on my side--that eventually he will wake up or realized that no only am I one craaaazy chick--but that I am unworthy. Part of me wants to do circus tricks and make him fall soooo in love with me that nothing I do or say or DON'T do will sway his love for me. But...thats my "happily ever after" fairy tale side talking. And we all know there is no such thing. Another part of me wants to push him away before he has the chance to do that to me...but I can't.

What is wrong with me? I hope I'm about to start my period--isn't that what every MAN says to their woman when she acts retarded? Surely there is a reasonable explanation for my stupidity--oh! wait. Maybe it's my Bipolar talking. Darn Bipolar. I almost forgot I really am CRAZY. It's just not fair. But, as my Mother used to say..."When you were born the doctor whacked you on the ass and said 'Life will never be fair'." Gee, Thanks Mother.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I Just Love Mushy, Romantic Crap, Don't You?...

My boyfriend has a way with words. Both spoken and written. I'll never be published--nor do I care a tiddly wink, but he is...

And he's well read. He can, not only quote chapters from the Bible...he can quote poems. A few nights ago he brought over a book of Shakespeare's sonnets. He told me he had one picked out to read to me. But before he could read it to me, he "blogged" it to me. Now, if you read it and you start to gag-- just know that what makes YOU gag...makes me, well...just know it made me verrrry happy.

(edited: Took away the link to his post to protect his reputation--which would be ruined by dating me)

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Burritos For Breakfast...

For some reason I am unable to eat sweet foods for breakfast anymore. Makes me feel so sick. And it makes me sad. I love doughnuts. Life cereal. Cereal bars.

This morning, about 10AM, Mr X came by and fixed coffee. I can't/haven't figured out his coffee contraption yet. All I know is he puts beans and water in there--and we have coffee 5 minutes later. Anyway, I hadn't eaten breakfast so I fixed myself a burrito and BEANS! After I added homemade hot sauce to both--I gobbled it down. It was delish! I may be eating that breakfast again soon. But not tomorrow. Going to church with Mr X. We went last weekend (just Mr X, Me and MY 3 kids)--but I bet we REALLY land on the prayer list when we show up with all the kids. All 11 and under. So, burritos and beans...and church... probably not a good idea.

Carson is having a really hard time lately. Bad dreams. Night terrors. Spitting. Cursing (mainly at his sister--or his daycare teacher). And he tried to bite the Director of the daycare/school AND his teacher yesterday. CB took him off his meds to see if it made a difference. It didn't. He acts just a bad ON it as he does OFF it. I think he needs to go to a therapist. AND make adjustments to his meds. He has anger issues. Definitely Oppositional Defiant! If he hasn't "bonded" with you and you try to grab his arm...or get in his will not be pretty.

I'm unsure if its the divorce...or his meds. Or what. starts back up next month...this needs to be under control ASAP. CB told me he was making him an appointment with a "play" therapist. Carson isn't one' to talk to doctors--he still doesn't talk to his Psychiatrist. Of course, Carson IS only 6.

Mr X can sometimes get him under control...and I know CB can. But his poor choices (Carson's) are making an impression on Caden--and even Claudia is more violent and verbally abusive than usual. Sigh. Can't we all just get along??

Caden got into fingernail polish this morning. Painted his nails, a wall in my room, my mattress pad and the carpet a little. This is very aggravating. He turned a laundry basket over and climbed on it to reach the bathroom counter...climbed up THERE to reach the polish on top of an armoire that I have in my bathroom. Any ideas how to get it off the wall? RED POLISH. Magic Eraser isn't cutting it. Neither is polish remover. Any wonder I'm 3/4 insane?

Send help. A St Bernard with liquor would be helpful--but wait til the kids leave Sunday night--no alcohol before then!!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

54 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall...

I've never been a beer drinker. Always thought the nasty taste of beer would HAVE to compare to the taste the sweat off a hogs balls would taste like (never tasted that--but assumming its NASTY). But Mr X IS a beer drinker--*Maybe* one per night. No more than 6 per week (his way of saying he has 6 pack abs LMAO). Mr X is a beer snob. He only drinks micro brewery beer. No Bud Lite for him, Oh no. Right now, his favorites are Shiner 99 and Samuel Adams Summer Ale.

Mr X went to the beer store for us...and for his Dad. And picked up a few 6 packs. I will never let him go alone again. LOL. He came back with NINE six packs. We have enough beer for 2 months!! I tried a cream stout from Shiner. DARK beer. Black, even. It tasted like burnt chocolate. With half a cup of coffee thrown in for good measure.

I'm not saying it tasted BAD, per se. But it waaaaasssss different. An interesting taste. One I might try again. This will not be my favorite tho. The Summer Ale is my favorite so far. Of course, I drank it after doing clean up at the construction site of our new home. So I was HOT, TIRED and THIRSTY. And we all know that ANY beer taste A-OK then!!

Mr X ays the house WILL be finished by the end of October. It's slow going when you are building it yourself, work 60 hours per week and have a love affair with basketball. I love to watch him play basketball. I love to talk smack to him while he's playing too. He get a kick outta hearing me tease him when the guys he's SUPPOSED to be guarding gets a shot off.

He has to frame the garage into 2 more bedrooms. Then we can start on sheetrock. And the bricklayers can comme--the outside JUST needs brick and IT'S done!! Then the work on the inside starts. I'm getting excited. So are his oldest 2 kids. His oldest turns 12 in two months. And already plans on moving in with us (we won't move in until we are married--no shacking up here, folks). So, these are exciting times.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Broke As A Joke...

You know how to tell Wal Mart to "f*ck you"? Go broke. Then you can't even afford to walk in there. I toasted stale bread for breakfast. Skipped lunch. Grilling freezer burned chicken for dinner.

Good thing the kids are at their Dad's.

And good thing that Mr X likes chips and hot sauce...

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Happy 7th of July!!

I just spent my July 4th weekend cruising the beach. Wearing a semi-bikini. It IS a 2 piece--but my "kangaroo pooch" was covered. Which is more than I can say for some beached whales I saw on the beaches of Galveston.

Me and the 3 smallest went to see my parents (who live in Galveston).

I spent the bulk of my weekend talking to my ex and his girlfriend--trying to get them back together. OH! Did I tell you she is my ex best friend? Anyways, I know she makes CB happy--and my kids love her--and her semi-ex is an asssssshole. So, even tho this is a huge Jerry Springer episode--what can I say!?

I missed Mr X ALOT. He missed me. I see him later tonight--and I cant wait.

I think CB and I came to an agreement for the divorce. It isnt the BEST. keeps us out of court--and the kids out of court. I really dont want to say too much, especially since he has the address to this blog (hey CLIFF!!!!!).

I have a new cell phone number--if you only have my old one--dont call it...CB keeps track of every call I make on that one. Email me ( and I'll give it to ya--if I know and trust ya!!! LOL

Tomorrow, its back to work. I have to go fix my lesson plan. Which really means...drag some stuff outta my butt, clean it off and make it sound educational, fun and artsy-fartsy!!

Have a good week, sports fans!!