Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ain't That Always The Way?...

Ever give yourself completely to someone and then get crapped on? Ever feel like someone is your bestest friend in the entire world? Like there is no one else you can 100% trust, tell secrets your very soul and being to and then that same person treats your trust and openness like dog sh*t on their shoe?

I have. And I never-never-never will again. Ever.

I hate feeling vunerable. I hate depending on someone to trust. To entrust people with your heart and soul is dangerous. People who seem trustworthy...aren't. Because the very moment you think you are safe--you aren't. That person will turn on you in a very heart beat. Even quicker. And smile or laugh their lying ass off while doing it--if they can gain something from it. Even if their gain is worth $.02

Why? You ask why? This is my answer: Hell if I know.

I have no best friend. Do I need one? Nooooooope.

I have Mr X--or do I? He's the closest thing I have to a best friend. But I find it hard to trust even him 100%. I am convinced that time is never on my side--that eventually he will wake up or realized that no only am I one craaaazy chick--but that I am unworthy. Part of me wants to do circus tricks and make him fall soooo in love with me that nothing I do or say or DON'T do will sway his love for me. But...thats my "happily ever after" fairy tale side talking. And we all know there is no such thing. Another part of me wants to push him away before he has the chance to do that to me...but I can't.

What is wrong with me? I hope I'm about to start my period--isn't that what every MAN says to their woman when she acts retarded? Surely there is a reasonable explanation for my stupidity--oh! wait. Maybe it's my Bipolar talking. Darn Bipolar. I almost forgot I really am CRAZY. It's just not fair. But, as my Mother used to say..."When you were born the doctor whacked you on the ass and said 'Life will never be fair'." Gee, Thanks Mother.

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