Rollin' On The River...

Guess who can roll from tummy to back now?! Tha's right...CADEN!!! I had to get up, like 5 times in the night because he rolled over and woke himself up... I can't believe he is already rolling over! Next is sitting up! Then CREEPING...omg.

And guess who is here...In the real world!? Allyson (J's new baby)! She weighed 7# 9oz and is 19" long. I saw her Friday. So cute and little. Caden's future wifey. Welcome Miss Ally!

My hip is still hurting. I went to the crack (not "quack") doctor again on Friday. He is talking MRI--which makes me think he is thinking it might be more than "a pinched nerve". I think it's bursitis. I really do. Last night it woke me up it was hurting so bad. 3 Ad*vil later...Still hurting but not as bad. I had a bad night last night between my hip, Caden and Claudia wetting the bed. I woke up (because of the hip) and stepped onto a pair of wet panties--she left them by my bed but never woke me up! LOL So I had to wake Carson AND Claudia up to change the bed. They weren't happy but settled back in fast--wish I could've.

Took all 3 littles to the store this AM. Not too bad this time. They even got balloons! And we got donuts! (not because any poop success either--)!

Heartbreak Hotel Vacancy...

Talked to MP about his "heartche"--sorta. The other day I made sure that the house was really clean and that I even had make up on before he came home from work--seems he told our oldest that he was *sure* I would feel better if I made an effort to look better, clean the house. And I am sure that is true--but it is very hard to do. And he comes home and doesn't say ONE word about the house being nice or me looking nice (or half way decent even). It really made Calie mad. So she said something (got onto him basically). Which made him say "I am not going to do back flips--these are things that should be done anyway." OH! That really ticked me off! I then went on a spill about the reason I don't work my ass off everyday cleaning and primping is because it DOES NOT MATTER. It isn't appreciated. MP made and excuse to leave the house and go to town--by the time he got back he had a different tune.

He was very apologetic (to BOTH me and Calie). He said "It DOES matter. I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you--I should have--you are right." He just kept on in that vein. I told him (Thanks SQ) "You work very hard at work--I know and appreciate that--and at the end of the week you get a paycheck from your employer. Their way of saying "Thanks for you hard work this week"--I don't get a paycheck--OR a verbal "Thanks"--makes it hard to *want* to work if you aren't getting paid SOMETHING." I think he really started to see what I was saying then.

So--has been acting nicer. And so have I. Let's hope it continues.

Snap, Crackle, POP!

Did I tell you that my hip has been hurting? Well, it has. So I went to see a chiropractor for the 1st time, yesterday. I was so scared. I just *knew* I would be paralyzed OR it would HURT. MP met me there (he came straight from work)...It's HIS doctor. They were very nice. MP stayed in the waiting room with Caden (the other kids were home). I was getting my X-rays and exam and I could hear Caden---screaming. tee hee. Poor MP. Then one of the girls comes in and says "You should see your husband! The baby had a dirty diaper and he even needed his clothes changed!" They thought is was funny (but *I* thought it was FUNNIER!)!

Turns out I have (probably) a pinched nerve type thing and scoliosis (sp?). Even *I* could see that my X-ray was messed up. My spine is pretty curved looking--and I was trying so hard to stand straight. Doc said it has probably been that was for awhile(the spine thing) --and he doesn't act like I need any thing else (besides HIS care) for the hip thing. BUT...If, after a few treatments there is no improvement, he will send me to someone else--in which case it may be "bursitis" (WTH is that) in my hip joint? And the only treatment for THAT is (gulp): INJECTIONS. Oh my. I was hoping I would get off his funky table and be cured. Oh! The table! It was freaky. It stands up straight. You stand in front of it and lean into it--then he lowers it and you just... Are then laying down--freaky. Once, while he was adjusting me, he actually climbed on the table!!! I was so scared I just closed my eyes. But I did feel better afterwards. I snap, crackle and POP pretty easily, too.

The best part (not really) was the cost. Insurance doesn't pay--so it was $288. Gulp. But they will let us pay it out. My luck: we will have to go see another doctor anyways and end up paying someone else for MORE care (or surgery). That's just my luck.

Ok, gotta go make a few more entries--they deserve their own "spot"... Stay tuned...

Heartbreak Hotel...

Last night Claudia came running into the living room with a heating bag (one of those rice/microwave things) and said "Heat this up for Daddy, he has a heartache". I, of course, go RUNNING into the bedroom to see what was wrong, thinking he is having heart problems again--remember? He spent 1 week in CICU back in August 2002 for heart crap (racing heart--irregular beat). I ask him (he was at the computer) "What is IT!? What's wrong?!" He laughs and says "Nothing. My heart is fine." "But Claudia said you have a heartache?" "It's nothing, I'm just...I'm fine. Just a little depressed." WTF!? I try to get him to tell me what is wrong... He has a "heartache????" and he TOLD Claudia that!? "What are you trying to NOT say...Do you not love me??! Is there someone else!? What!?" And his reply? "It's nothing. Nothing like that...Don't get yourself so worked up--really, its nothing. We'll talk about it later".

When is "later"? With all these kids we never have time to talk. Unless the kids are listening. So, now I worry. About HIS heartache. And wonder if it's serious... Can I fix it? Do I want to? (of course I do!!) ? And wonder WHEN we will talk about it... Or will we? Will it just be something else that "goes away" on it's own? Like so many of the things we *should* talk about, but don't. We really DO need to talk more...And not about "if Carson pooped" or "if Claudia scratched anyone today" Or "if Calie did her chores"... We love our kids very much. Very, very much...But do they get in the way of US!? Yes, I'm sure they do...And maybe that's they way it is supposed to be. Maybe they come first until they are grown and gone--and THEN we make each other first again... Or should WE be first *now*--so that our kids KNOW we love each other and that we are a TEAM. A team that loves them. And a team that will endure all... Even heartaches?

So, now I need a "heartache" manual. Gotta fix this heartache. His and mine.

SH*T Happens...

It is 10:30PM on a Saturday night. MP and Calie are at a baseball game and won't be back until tomorrow. I'm OK with that. But guess what happened 30 minutes ago!? I scared Carson. Literally scared the crap outta him. He may need counseling later in life because of what I did. Can you not judge me? I am my worst critic and I don't need YOU judging me too. OK? OK. Here goes:

I gave the kids a bath cause they were nasty. It was really late when I bathed them--but we are home alone! So we can stay up late if we wanna. Well, after being in there for maybe 15 minutes Carson is screaming to get out (v v unusual). I go in and smell a stinky fart--a "I need to poop" fart...You know what I'm talking about...It wasn't a "I gotta little gas" fart. So I tell him "You are going to sit on the potty and poop!" And he goes: "Uhhhh. No." I MADE him get on the toilet. And I held him hostage. I sat in the floor in front of him and told him he could get up when he pooped. He was maaaaad. He screamed. I swear, I almost had myself convinced he was possessed. I have never seen him act like that. He was screaming, spitting/drooling on himself. His pupils were sooooo big. I thought he was gonna scream his poop out. He was MAD I tell you--crazy mad. Like rabies mad. I'm not kidding. FINALLY he pooped. I think it scared him. But he was really surprised and happy. I began dancing around the bathroom. Singing "You are getting a donut!!...You are getting a donut!!" Then we called Daddy. Carson was so proud of himself. He kept saying "And the poop is happy too." I told him "Yes the poop WANTS to go in the potty. The Poop is happy!! And we are happy too!"

Now lets all pray that he isn't damaged by me forcing him to stay on the potty--and I mean I literally held him there. And lets pray it happens again (poop in potty=good thing). Let's see...He is 3 years and 5 months now. And he pooped in the potty. At gunpoint (not really). Now I gotta get in bed...I gotta get up at the butt crack of dawn in the AM and go get some stinking donuts.

And Now, Back To The Show...

Sorry I was away a bit. The wedding trip was...well, a trip! MP and I didn't fight (that I can recall). Claudia did wonderful as the flower girl--she thought it was HER wedding. She looked adorable, and acted adorable too. Calie looked so grown up as the Junior Bridesmaid. Carson actually behaved himself during the ceremony. And Caden. Oh, Caden! Midway thru he decides that it's time to clean out the ole pipes. Pbbbtttttt! I raised him up and my sister (SQ) throws a blanket under him. Pbbbbttttt!!!! (It was very loud...Thank Goodness we were on the back row...) I knew he wouldn't sit in that funk for long. So we (SQ and I) made a mad dash to the restroom. He literally had poop from his neck to his knees. Ugh. We got it all over us. In her hair...On my arm/shirt/hands. Ugh. Missed the second half of the ceremony...CRAP (literally)! At the reception Claudia was belle of the ball. She danced her hiney off the entire time. Cliff had a few drinks--I didn't (pout). Calie caught the bouquet!! And is now locked in her room until she is 18. HA.

I am feeling better, mentally. I still go nowhere. But I'm cleaning a bit more. Sleeping a bit better. Just really managing myself more. I've even been able to (mainly) control myself (the screaming and spanking) with the kids. Now I gotta work on my diet and exercise. Gotta get some. Diet and exercise, I mean. This weekend MP and Calie are going to a baseball game and spending the night 2 hours away. Not fair. I never get to go anywhere! Oh well. OH! I am planning on taking a 4 ye old, a 3 year old and a almost 3 month old to T*oysRUS (yep, told ya I was insane) this weekend. That ought to be exciting huh?

Ok, Monsters are in the (cold) tub with perfectly shriveled fingers and toes now. Must get them out and dressed for bed--maybe a dose of B*enadryl tonight huh!? (where's MY B*enadryl/Wine!!?)

Welcome Back, I Guess...

Last night...(drum roll, please)...After approximately 6 months...I had SEX. With MP (in case you were wondering). 10 weeks after the baby. I was beginning to think that I never wanted sex again. Or that HE never wanted it again (with *me* anyway). But after we got started...It wasn't so bad. I might do it again sometime... Preferably after losing 10-15-20 lbs. I felt like a dork. I kept covering my belly with my hand--trying to keep his body away from it so he wouldn't realize that there was a BIG FAT COW in bed with him. Sorta interfered with my concentration--so it wasn't one of those (romantic music playing)...Fairy-tale sorta sex episodes... It was more like (some sick Weird Al song playing)...yeah,...One of those. But we DID IT (with each other!!)!!

PS: We aren't on birth control yet--eeeek. His train left the station before it was due, iffen ya know what I mean...And if you do not--don't ask. LOL

And the "Bad Mother of the Year" Award goes to...

ME! Yes, I am soooo over qualified for this award too. Yesterday Claudia screamed at me (three times, too) "I don't love you and I never will again!" and I stooped so low as to finally (after hearing it THREE times...) say: "Well GOOD! Because I don't love you either!" Now, I ask you, how retarded/stupid/immature was THAT!? Pretty darn award winning don't ya think!?

Then...To seal that envelope up tight (with MY name in it)...I said to Carson "If you don't get out of here I will BASH you head in with this remote!" yep. I said that. Those words flew out of my Satanic Mouth faster than you slip in chicken shit with flip flops on...I don't lie. Then, after sitting in the recliner, holding the 10 week old baby, who can't take a nap because his older siblings are hitting/spitting/scratching each other/themselves and the Momma...Who is going crazy at 75MPH...I cracked. Like a bad Easter Egg. I started planning my demise. I had to kill myself. My kids didn't deserve me as a mother. Surely someone else, anyone else, can do a better job? But before I kill myself I need to clean my house up--I don't want my 70-something year old Grandmother to have to clean up MY messy house during all the funeral planning. And I need to make sure I write Calie's next Orthodontist appointment on the calendar...OMG! We forgot to pay the Orthodontist this month!!! So I call MP at work. and I crack on the phone with him. He advises me (right on target this time) to LEAVE the HOUSE and 3 kids (the oldest ones) at home and get out of there!! So I do. I go to town and pay the Orthodontist (slipped a check under the door--they were closed)...and cruise around T*arget for an hour. Eat nasty chicken strips at Jack in the Crack...Then head back to the prison cell...er, I mean, home. I returned with new resolve to actually *take* the Z*oloft in the cabinet--it doesn't work if you don't take it, ya know?

Today you may be disappointed (and want to take away my Award) to find me calm. No screaming (yet)...But it IS only 11:27AM. And no physical abuse either! And my suicide plans have been put on hold. Today it is too nice to kill myself--and it may RAIN!! yehaw!

Yes, Sir! That's MY baby...

Guess who slept 5 hours last night!? Therefore letting ME sleep 5 hours last night!? That's right, the boys in my house let their Momma sleep. Caden slept for 5 hours in the bassinet before needing boob. And Carson slept IN HIS ROOM (but in bed with Claudia) until 5:30AM then he got in bed with me)! I almost feel human today. Almost.

I cut Claudia's hair (again) last night. She looks like a Pixie. It is adorable, if I do say so myself. Why do we (as a whole) feel like a girl has to have LONG hair to be adorable!? My MP subscribes to this religion--and I hate it. Short hair *IS* cute. And I've got the 4 year old to prove it!!

PS: MP is a psychic -he has been nicer. But he aint asking or getting ANY "you-know-what".

Just Not Feeling It...

I really don't know what is wrong with me--but something is up. I just feel...blah. All the time. I'm not sure if it's depression or what. I try to shake it off. Especially when people call. But the rest of the time I am in the recliner. Watching TV. Alternating between ignoring my kids and screaming at them. Tonight it was almost 7PM before I remembered that I haven't fed them dinner. Oh gawd. Of course they haven't complained because every time someone whines, I offer a cookie to keep it quiet.

And MP. I simply hate him right now. Maybe hate is too strong a word. I'm not happy. With him. Or me. He is soooo, I dunno. He can sound so hateful when he talks to me--and he says I'm "hearing things" that aren't there. Not, like, REALLY hearing things--but making mountains out of mole hills or something like that. He almost has me convinced too. I swear I want to get a little recorder and record how he talks to me--you wouldn't believe it (unless I am "hearing things"). Take last night for example. Scene: Sitting at the table eating dinner (that *I* cooked). I am in my PJ's (scrub pants and a camisole). I admit I am not looking like a Victoria Secrets model in my jammies but...geez.

MP says: "WHAT do you have on...?"

me: "My night clothes, why?"

MP: "You just look...."

me: "Get over it. It's my pajamas!"

Then Caden starts to fuss and MP says "What's the matter Buddy?" I reply "He is upset because you are mean and say hurtful things to his Mama". He (MP) then goes out on the deck with the other kids...and doesn't notice me in the recliner...Rocking our youngest, tears in my eyes...Wondering HOW did I get here? 17 years with someone who obviously doesn't like OR respect me...And it goes both ways.

I keep telling myself that I am sleep deprived. That I *am* probably a little depressed. That I DO tend to make mountains out of mole hills (that's the depression/anxiety stuff). But then that would make everything MY fault--and we know that can't be true (haha).

So, this afternoon (after MP left to go to work) Carson peed in his pants while sitting in our bed watching cartoons...On MP's side of the bed... Guess what!? I didn't change the sheets--I'll just let Mr. Mean sleep in dried up Toddler Pee--that'll show HIM huh?!

PS: This rates right up there on the Maturity Scale, right there by "shoot the finger at him--behind his back"--but Oh well. (evil laughter)