Thank you, Y. Your prayers worked. Carson is on the mend. Still not his normal self--but he is eating a little better. He ate pizza AND ice cream tonight! But at 8PM he was ready for bed--while he had playmates here. So, I know he is still mending. Plus, at MOPS on Thursday he was very whiny and didn't want to stay and "play with the guys". He kept asking to go home--that was weird! That is my good news. Now for my bad news...
Wednesday night Moonpie told me that he thinks we need marriage counseling. CRASH! Did you hear that? It was my jaw hitting the ground. I mean, I know he is unhappy. I am unhappy. But for HIM to actually SAY that...strange. Mr. Fix-IT. Mr. "Just snap out of it" (that was his take on my depression) actually said "I think we need to see a marriage counselor." wow. hmmmm.
Part of me is very afraid. I honestly,... My very first thought was "NO, if we go to counseling we will end up dicorced." And I told him that. Because I really thought that if we say OUT LOUD what we really feel that it will be the end. We have scabs right now--and if we start picking at them they will get so infected that SOMETHING will have to get amputated (did ya like that analogy?). We both admitted that we still love each other VERY much--but that we often dislike each other. He says that he wants us to be friends again. He had to remind me that we were friends a long time ago. That he has alot of things that he wants to say--but that he holds back for fear I will "explode". He has a point. We don't "fight" very well. He will say (and this is purely an example) "God. This floor is nasty--when was the last time you mopped?" and I will literally GO OFF. "IT DOESNT MATTER WHEN I LAST MOPPED--I COULD MOP AND 10 MINUTES LATER IT IS NASTY!! WHY CANT YOU SEE THE THINGS THAT I DO--WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PICK, PICK, PICK?! IF IT BOTHERS YOU THAT MUCH MOP IT YOURSELF!!!" I am a volcano--waiting to erupt. He is a nag. I feel like he treats me like a child. A retarded child. I feel like he undermines me in regards to the kids. I feel like he is demanding and controlling and VERY critical. I never feel like I am good enough, smart enough, pretty. I feel like a terrible wife, mother, lover--you name it.
I am sure HE feels like I am lazy. That I throw temper tantrums. That I am irresponsible. That I make mountains out of mole hills.
Counseling will cost $$. Our insurance doesn't cover "marriage counseling". I know *I* need counseling. To deal with my anxiety, anger, depression, mood swings...And insurance would pay for that--or part of it--for a time, I think. But we need help as a TEAM. So, we will try to find someone who will see us, not charge too much and HELP us. Too bad we don't go to church--alot of churches/pastors do that for church members (or so I hear).
After he told me this--we were laying in bed--he scooted over to my side and kissed me--REALLY kissed me. I knew what that meant. Ummm, no. He asked me "why not". I told him "You have had time to think about this (the counseling...That we were in trouble...)*I* am in shock--I need time to think." He said "I just thought it would be a good place to start--to get connected. I want to be intimate with you--to show you I love you." I told him that if he wanted to be intimate with me he could hold my hand. He could snuggle with me. But I didn't want to make love or have sex with someone who just told me that they have been unhappy for years--someone who had been thinking that our marriage was so bad that we needed HELP.
So, hmmmm... Guess I will call around on Monday and see who, how much, when, all that crap. And, he said he is thinking of going back to work on "weekends shift" at the hospital (that will mean about an extra $700 per month)--which means he will be HOME more during the week--could be a good thing--could be really bad.
Y (of http://ebonymommy.com/blog/ ), can ya pray for US now? We need it. Thanks friend.