It has been rainy. Claudia has had notes sent home from school the past 2 days. She has punched two "friends" (maybe not friends anymore) in the stomach, threw a hissy fit over her cup color at snack, bumped into people in lunch line (and NOT accidentally) and was mad that she didn't get to go to art's and craft's table FIRST--so she removed someone's name from the board and put her own name there--her way of trying to *steal* their spot. So, she and I can't go on the class field trip Friday. Because I told her after bad day #1 that if she had another bad day this week, we weren't going--and she had a bad day the very next day. I have to stick to what I said, right?!
Yesterday the kids and I had friends over for dinner...And one of the little girls was using the bathroom-and instead of Carson telling me *he* had to use the bathroom--he just pulled down his pants in the dining room and peed in that girls chocolate milk!!!!
Calie had her first "clinic" for drill team trots. She is frustrated and overwhelmed. They went so fasssst. She feels like she has ZERO chance. But she does, she just needs to get with a few of the other girls and between them they will be able to remember the entire dance...Then they need to practice their asses off. Moonpie took her out to eat tonight--and they aren't back yet-- it is NINE FREAKING THIRTY. They left at 4:00PM. I know they went shopping 'cause he called me and asked Claudia's size...But this is ridiculous. I am pissed. It is a school night. And I had to eat fish sticks with the brats--umm, kids.
And bathe the beasts. I ran their water and then went to put their clothes in the laundry room--when I got back they had poured an entire bottle of DOG FLEA AND TICK shampoo in the tub. Aghhhhhhh!
I am feeling lost. Sorta depressed. The kids aren't minding me. I feel like I am yelling too much and spanking to often. I hate this. I hate how I feel right now. Like an awful person/Mother/Wife.
Gotta go...Heard a key in the door.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
While Is Is NOT Cancer, It IS:...
Some sorta freaky tumor. And this is how I found out...
My sista came over and decided to go with me and the boys...They would wait in the truck while I went in. I was glad--gave me someone to talk to on the way! I got there and was weighed. His nurse is hilarious. I told her that she needed to warn Dr L that I had NOT shaved my legs AND I wasn't wearing make-up. I figured that since I had the baby and wasn't seeing him as often, that we weren't "dating" anymore and I didn't need to impress him. She then asked my about my "lump". 'Do ya think it might be an ingrown hair?' I told her no, it is UNDER the skin. Not on top. She smiles and says 'Ahhhh, you are going to be my *interesting case* today!' I exclaimed 'Yippeee! Now you will have something to discuss over lunch!' My sarcasm laced humor was lost on her. BUT she did say, after I shared my fear re "CANCER", 'Nah, it's not cancer, don't worry'. Whew! She then tells me to get undressed from the waist down and cover with the lovely paper sheet. They REALLY need to work on their foreplay!
Dr L. comes in and I have to tell him about the jello. The jelly. The Lump. The knot. HE snaps on gloves and feels me up for a good, silent five minutes. The nurse came back in during that and is watching, waiting...so engrossed and entertained. I look at the ceiling and try to convince my thighs that they "CAN" stay open and relaxed, even as they are screaming to snap shut like a screen door.
*THEN* he asks for the sonogram machine! What!? Why!? To get a "closer" look. I ask you how much closer does he have to get? His face is inches away from galaxies that have never been seen before--and he has prodded me with every finger he has. So he puts jelly on the wand and then smashes the knot into mashed potatoes (OUCH!). The nurse asks "Is that it!" and he ignores her. OMG. Then he shows her and says that it isn't fluid filled it is solid (is that good or bad?). And he asks me if *I* wanna see it. I say "well, if it doesn't have a heartbeat and legs I won't know what I'm looking at." But he shows me anyways. It looked like Moonpie (HAHA). No, it looked like...A black grape. Squished. He helps me sit up. And tells me it is a tumor. That we need to "watch it" right now. He said he didn't feel it was necessary to remove it just yet. It is 4 cm in diameter. That if it had fluid in it he would just drain it (OMG). If it grows before my appointment in 6 weeks I have to go in right away. I said "Well, ok, as long as it isn't cancer!" and he replies "I don't think it's cancer". WHAT!? You don't THINK it's cancer? How can we find out that it is NOT cancer? I should have said those things but I didn't...Moonpie did when I told him.
So I wait. And fondle myself 4 times per day. But get no joy in it.
But I DID get the new "ring" birth control. Ya know, that ring you shove up there and wear for 3 weeks...take it out, have Aunt Flo visit and then 7 days later, put a new ring in? Better that taking a pill every day. I hate bc pills. I do not have sex every day so, I don;t want to pop a pill for it every day. But this thing, I have sex about once per month...I don't have to remember to take it out, rinse it off, swallow it every day and back up this for X many days/weeks. So, we will see. He gave me a sample--I'll let ya know when I try it on. Tell ya if it is a keeper or not. I am soooo not excited to be putting more hormones into my body. But oh, well. If I have another kid I will die...really, I probably will.
Stay tuned for the next installment of "Her Tumor, Her Turmoil..."
My sista came over and decided to go with me and the boys...They would wait in the truck while I went in. I was glad--gave me someone to talk to on the way! I got there and was weighed. His nurse is hilarious. I told her that she needed to warn Dr L that I had NOT shaved my legs AND I wasn't wearing make-up. I figured that since I had the baby and wasn't seeing him as often, that we weren't "dating" anymore and I didn't need to impress him. She then asked my about my "lump". 'Do ya think it might be an ingrown hair?' I told her no, it is UNDER the skin. Not on top. She smiles and says 'Ahhhh, you are going to be my *interesting case* today!' I exclaimed 'Yippeee! Now you will have something to discuss over lunch!' My sarcasm laced humor was lost on her. BUT she did say, after I shared my fear re "CANCER", 'Nah, it's not cancer, don't worry'. Whew! She then tells me to get undressed from the waist down and cover with the lovely paper sheet. They REALLY need to work on their foreplay!
Dr L. comes in and I have to tell him about the jello. The jelly. The Lump. The knot. HE snaps on gloves and feels me up for a good, silent five minutes. The nurse came back in during that and is watching, waiting...so engrossed and entertained. I look at the ceiling and try to convince my thighs that they "CAN" stay open and relaxed, even as they are screaming to snap shut like a screen door.
*THEN* he asks for the sonogram machine! What!? Why!? To get a "closer" look. I ask you how much closer does he have to get? His face is inches away from galaxies that have never been seen before--and he has prodded me with every finger he has. So he puts jelly on the wand and then smashes the knot into mashed potatoes (OUCH!). The nurse asks "Is that it!" and he ignores her. OMG. Then he shows her and says that it isn't fluid filled it is solid (is that good or bad?). And he asks me if *I* wanna see it. I say "well, if it doesn't have a heartbeat and legs I won't know what I'm looking at." But he shows me anyways. It looked like Moonpie (HAHA). No, it looked like...A black grape. Squished. He helps me sit up. And tells me it is a tumor. That we need to "watch it" right now. He said he didn't feel it was necessary to remove it just yet. It is 4 cm in diameter. That if it had fluid in it he would just drain it (OMG). If it grows before my appointment in 6 weeks I have to go in right away. I said "Well, ok, as long as it isn't cancer!" and he replies "I don't think it's cancer". WHAT!? You don't THINK it's cancer? How can we find out that it is NOT cancer? I should have said those things but I didn't...Moonpie did when I told him.
So I wait. And fondle myself 4 times per day. But get no joy in it.
But I DID get the new "ring" birth control. Ya know, that ring you shove up there and wear for 3 weeks...take it out, have Aunt Flo visit and then 7 days later, put a new ring in? Better that taking a pill every day. I hate bc pills. I do not have sex every day so, I don;t want to pop a pill for it every day. But this thing, I have sex about once per month...I don't have to remember to take it out, rinse it off, swallow it every day and back up this for X many days/weeks. So, we will see. He gave me a sample--I'll let ya know when I try it on. Tell ya if it is a keeper or not. I am soooo not excited to be putting more hormones into my body. But oh, well. If I have another kid I will die...really, I probably will.
Stay tuned for the next installment of "Her Tumor, Her Turmoil..."
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The Warranty Has Expired...
It is so official. I am falling apart. I went to physical therapy yesterday to be assessed. Kevin(*),my physical therapist, said he is *sure* it isn't my hip--that it is my BACK. A disk. Bulging. My lower back has been hurting. But not all the time. Off and on. But I always thought "Oh, I must have over done it. Bending over too much to pick up 1,000 toys. Putting clothes away. Lifting 20 and 30-something pound kids. Making beds, emptying and loading the dishwasher." You know, regular ole everyday stuff. Kevin said that the disk is bulging really bad when I feel the pain in my hip/leg--that it is "transferred pain". So he told me to be diligent about proper posture. Use Aleve. And gave me an exercise he wanted me to do 10 of, ever hour(!). I did it about 4 times and the pain in my hip WENT AWAY!!!! But the pain in my lower back is some of the worst pain I have ever experienced (not counting the 2 ovarian cysts that ruptured, labor 4 times before the epidural kicked in and mastitis in my right boobage). I am in pain that 2 Darvocet or 2 Vicodin can't even tickle, much less touch. Trust me, I tried them both yesterday. I do believe that I am what old people call "down in my back".
And the dreaded, middle age metabolism is here. Yesterday I ate 1/2 a piece of Whole Grain toast (no butter/jelly or peanut butter), LOTS of water, and a small handful of Teddy Grahams--nothing else, and lost NOTHING. Actually, I weighed 149.0 yesterday AM. This Am I weighed 149.2--What!? I can't even starve properly. Maybe I should get braces. That has worked for "E". I bet she is looking "smoking" too. I, on the other hand look fat and frozen.
To top it all off--it is 39 degrees this morning. I live in TEXAS people. Not North Texas. A part of Texas that sees snow about once every 5 years. A part of Texas that is so hot and humid in Summer that your eyelids sweat. You will discover sweat gland that you never even knew existed on the human form. So, 39 degrees is freaking COLD.
In summary, I am old, fat and cold. And I smell poop (no, not ME. I still have control of my bladder and bowels...tho, I am sure that will be the next thing to go--after the removal of half of my 'gina due to "C"--I go see *that* doctor Friday). sigh.
*--"Kevin" may or may not be his real name. I may have made it up--and I may have been in too much pain to think of an alias for him.
And the dreaded, middle age metabolism is here. Yesterday I ate 1/2 a piece of Whole Grain toast (no butter/jelly or peanut butter), LOTS of water, and a small handful of Teddy Grahams--nothing else, and lost NOTHING. Actually, I weighed 149.0 yesterday AM. This Am I weighed 149.2--What!? I can't even starve properly. Maybe I should get braces. That has worked for "E". I bet she is looking "smoking" too. I, on the other hand look fat and frozen.
To top it all off--it is 39 degrees this morning. I live in TEXAS people. Not North Texas. A part of Texas that sees snow about once every 5 years. A part of Texas that is so hot and humid in Summer that your eyelids sweat. You will discover sweat gland that you never even knew existed on the human form. So, 39 degrees is freaking COLD.
In summary, I am old, fat and cold. And I smell poop (no, not ME. I still have control of my bladder and bowels...tho, I am sure that will be the next thing to go--after the removal of half of my 'gina due to "C"--I go see *that* doctor Friday). sigh.
*--"Kevin" may or may not be his real name. I may have made it up--and I may have been in too much pain to think of an alias for him.
Monday, March 20, 2006
The Worst Thing About My Vacation...
was leaving. I love Mimi so much. I wish she lived closer. I always feel safe with her. And OK. I know she *knows* me... And I know she loves me and my kids. She is a saint. Ok, maybe not a saint--but she is one of the largest blessings in my life. She saved me when I was in middle school when I ran away from home. And she continues to save me almost daily. She calls me and checks on me. Almost every day. How special is that? Her and my sister are my biggest sources of support. To know that you have someone who truly loves you and is THERE for you--priceless, man. Priceless.
Our trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most things aren't as bad as *I* think they are going to be--but I still continue to think they will be BAD. Go figure.
It was cold and windy...didn't stop the college idiots from wearing bikinis and shorts. Of course, if I had a hot body I would wear a bikini in the winter too! Moonpie and I took Carson and Claudia to the beach one day. We flew a kite. Walked on the shore...picked up sea shells, buried a fish head that had washed up. Built a sand castle. Tore it up. We had fun--until Moonpie's IBS (the shits See? Told you it was the theme of my life) forced us to go back to the house. I took a picture of the wee ones (Carson and Claudia) in the bluebonnets behind Mimi's house.
Calie got to spend quality time with Tara, my brothers wife and a dear sweet friend of mine. It made Calie feel special. I hated leaving--but we stopped by friends of Moonpie's (an older couple who adopted him and Calie when we lived there in 2002) on the way home. They have a farm and the kids love(!) chasing chickens, playing with the hoard (LOTS) of goats, petting the horses and watching the cows and peacocks. Claudia fell down in some poo (pick the stinkiest animal and that was it)--but she didn't even care. She cried when we left. She loves the farm. Carson does too. Calie loves the L's. They sent 2 dozen fresh eggs with us. So sweet.
We came home and I washed clothes for 3 days. Claudia stole one of Josh's (my brother) guitar pick--so she had to write an "I M srrey" letter and send it back. The kids started back to school today. Sigh. Vacation's over.
I went to my physical therapy appointment today--and was told that it wasn't today--it's tomorrow. Uh..., I am a dumbass. And I made me an appointment with my Gyn...to have my "thang" looked at on Friday. Joy. This was after watching "My Life" today on dvd. Remember that movie? With Michael Keaton and Niocle Kidman in it? He has cancer and makes a video for his unborn child? After I dried my tears I called my doctor. I sure hope my kids don't have to tell their friends/teachers/strangers that their Mom died of Hoochie Cancer.
Oh! and Caden is really scaring me. He finally got those 2 front teeth to cut thru (yesterday) and is REALLY trying to walk. GULP. He will be 1 on April 28th. One. With teeth. And walking. Nooooooooooo! It is going tooo fast.
Well, it is late here (10:30 PM is late for me) Moonpie is on the toliet, again. So maybe I can hurry and get to sleep before the smell creeps down the hall and gets to our room.
Night Night.
Our trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most things aren't as bad as *I* think they are going to be--but I still continue to think they will be BAD. Go figure.
It was cold and windy...didn't stop the college idiots from wearing bikinis and shorts. Of course, if I had a hot body I would wear a bikini in the winter too! Moonpie and I took Carson and Claudia to the beach one day. We flew a kite. Walked on the shore...picked up sea shells, buried a fish head that had washed up. Built a sand castle. Tore it up. We had fun--until Moonpie's IBS (the shits See? Told you it was the theme of my life) forced us to go back to the house. I took a picture of the wee ones (Carson and Claudia) in the bluebonnets behind Mimi's house.
Calie got to spend quality time with Tara, my brothers wife and a dear sweet friend of mine. It made Calie feel special. I hated leaving--but we stopped by friends of Moonpie's (an older couple who adopted him and Calie when we lived there in 2002) on the way home. They have a farm and the kids love(!) chasing chickens, playing with the hoard (LOTS) of goats, petting the horses and watching the cows and peacocks. Claudia fell down in some poo (pick the stinkiest animal and that was it)--but she didn't even care. She cried when we left. She loves the farm. Carson does too. Calie loves the L's. They sent 2 dozen fresh eggs with us. So sweet.
We came home and I washed clothes for 3 days. Claudia stole one of Josh's (my brother) guitar pick--so she had to write an "I M srrey" letter and send it back. The kids started back to school today. Sigh. Vacation's over.
I went to my physical therapy appointment today--and was told that it wasn't today--it's tomorrow. Uh..., I am a dumbass. And I made me an appointment with my Gyn...to have my "thang" looked at on Friday. Joy. This was after watching "My Life" today on dvd. Remember that movie? With Michael Keaton and Niocle Kidman in it? He has cancer and makes a video for his unborn child? After I dried my tears I called my doctor. I sure hope my kids don't have to tell their friends/teachers/strangers that their Mom died of Hoochie Cancer.
Oh! and Caden is really scaring me. He finally got those 2 front teeth to cut thru (yesterday) and is REALLY trying to walk. GULP. He will be 1 on April 28th. One. With teeth. And walking. Nooooooooooo! It is going tooo fast.
Well, it is late here (10:30 PM is late for me) Moonpie is on the toliet, again. So maybe I can hurry and get to sleep before the smell creeps down the hall and gets to our room.
Night Night.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
National Looney Family Vacation...
Spring Break. Just doesn't mean the same when you are 37, married and have four kids to take care of. Remember Spring Break when it meant hanging out at the lake, drinking, wearing a bikini and swimming in the freezing water? I never went anywhere more exotic than Galveston but Spring Break always meant fun.
This year, Moonpie took off from work, the kids will be out of school and up my ass for NINE days and we are going to Mimi's house (near Galveston). All of us. All six of us. In a vehicle that has a maximum capacity of six. Uncomfy. No leg room on account of the diaper bag, toy bag, and all the crap needed in the back seat for 3 small kids (not counting the magazines and iPod for a 15 year old--who will ignore everything--lucky wench).
Moonpie hates to talk while driving--he likes to think (what? what is *thinking*? who has time for that?). Calie will be plugged into the iPod. Which will leave me to referee. Read "The Foot Book" 1,500 times. Sing "The Wheels on the Bus"--all 300 verses. Change 2 dirty diapers on he side of the road, while balancing on my knee a 19 pound, flopping, fish out of water baby boy who only wants to rip his testicles off and test the texture of poop with his fingers. Luckily I can make either Claudia or Carson sit in the front with Moonpie and Calie. So, I will sit in the back between Caden and the other--who will whine because THEY have to sit in the back. I can hardly wait to pack 700 lbs of clothes for everyone (just me and 3 of the kids, the others can pack themselves!). And remember the sunscreen. And baby wipes. Baby food! Every medicine that has "Chilrens's" or "Infant" in the name that exists. Then the visit itself. Someone else's house. I have to protect their belongings from drool. Being climbed on. Broken. Stolen (Claudia). Try to keep everyone on some semblance of schedule and order--or they will terrorize me when we get back and it will take 3 weeks to get them to bed on time. Wake up and not act like "GrumpleStealsKin".
Aught to be fun, huh? Plus we have to bring two small yappy dogs, in that vehicle. WITH US. And clean up their pee and poop--since Mimi's dogs (2 yappy Yorkies) are supposedly "paper trained"--but they miss the paper more than they mark it--so my dogs will think it is a free for all when it comes to urinating and defecating. AND *my* dogs will be accused of allllll the poop. 'Cause her boys are "paper trained"! Also, I am SURE it will be my responsibility to find someone to feed 3 bitchy cats and 2 HUGE labs--and feed the horse while we are gone.
And they call this a vacation? From what? The only good thing? I can buy alcholic beverages in the GROCERY store there!!! We leave Monday AM and get back Thursday AMish/afternoonish. Miss me ok? Maybe I will update while there--but I may not have time. Can you believe that? I will have less free time on vacation that I would if I stayed home!
(Dont think I havent already thought of sending everyone on vacation while *I* stay home!--that was majorly vetoed)
This year, Moonpie took off from work, the kids will be out of school and up my ass for NINE days and we are going to Mimi's house (near Galveston). All of us. All six of us. In a vehicle that has a maximum capacity of six. Uncomfy. No leg room on account of the diaper bag, toy bag, and all the crap needed in the back seat for 3 small kids (not counting the magazines and iPod for a 15 year old--who will ignore everything--lucky wench).
Moonpie hates to talk while driving--he likes to think (what? what is *thinking*? who has time for that?). Calie will be plugged into the iPod. Which will leave me to referee. Read "The Foot Book" 1,500 times. Sing "The Wheels on the Bus"--all 300 verses. Change 2 dirty diapers on he side of the road, while balancing on my knee a 19 pound, flopping, fish out of water baby boy who only wants to rip his testicles off and test the texture of poop with his fingers. Luckily I can make either Claudia or Carson sit in the front with Moonpie and Calie. So, I will sit in the back between Caden and the other--who will whine because THEY have to sit in the back. I can hardly wait to pack 700 lbs of clothes for everyone (just me and 3 of the kids, the others can pack themselves!). And remember the sunscreen. And baby wipes. Baby food! Every medicine that has "Chilrens's" or "Infant" in the name that exists. Then the visit itself. Someone else's house. I have to protect their belongings from drool. Being climbed on. Broken. Stolen (Claudia). Try to keep everyone on some semblance of schedule and order--or they will terrorize me when we get back and it will take 3 weeks to get them to bed on time. Wake up and not act like "GrumpleStealsKin".
Aught to be fun, huh? Plus we have to bring two small yappy dogs, in that vehicle. WITH US. And clean up their pee and poop--since Mimi's dogs (2 yappy Yorkies) are supposedly "paper trained"--but they miss the paper more than they mark it--so my dogs will think it is a free for all when it comes to urinating and defecating. AND *my* dogs will be accused of allllll the poop. 'Cause her boys are "paper trained"! Also, I am SURE it will be my responsibility to find someone to feed 3 bitchy cats and 2 HUGE labs--and feed the horse while we are gone.
And they call this a vacation? From what? The only good thing? I can buy alcholic beverages in the GROCERY store there!!! We leave Monday AM and get back Thursday AMish/afternoonish. Miss me ok? Maybe I will update while there--but I may not have time. Can you believe that? I will have less free time on vacation that I would if I stayed home!
(Dont think I havent already thought of sending everyone on vacation while *I* stay home!--that was majorly vetoed)
Friday, March 10, 2006
(*humming*)...I Am A Bad Girl...
I forgot to tell you that Dr Tinkerbell Hogan gave me a RX for....Darvocet. Did she not READ what meds I am on!!?? Did my Ancient, Father Time PCP not tell her I was a depressed, suicidal (well, not this week), anxiety ridden FREAK?! Obviously not. So, I took one last night. I don't know if I took it because I was in pain so much as because Claudia screamed at me (keep in mind she is 5, in Pre K, has ZERO bangs due to a mishap with a pair of Fiskar's...) "I hope you CHOKE on an apple peel!" All because I wouldn't make her a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. That will really make you feel loved and appreciated. After contemplating on spitting in her mashed potatoes (I did not) I popped a darvocet. Which may have helped--because about 30 minutes later I couldn't care less if she ate a dirt sandwich!
I might have slept good last night--but Caden is fighting another illness. He is so restless. Snotty. Boogery. His cheeks are red (he always gets an eczema flair up close to sicky times). But he also is courting 2 top teeth. They haven't decided to come all the way out...but the gums are so swollen and the skin is strained. He also has the SMELLIEST poop when he is sick/teething. omg. Why can't crap smell better? My life is so full of shit (literally) that it really would make my days better if it didn't smell so bad. Caden has pooped 3 times (I gagged 2 times), Carson pooped once (but enough for 3 grown men)--he was impressed with the size and color--I was impressed with the stench. I skipped lunch today because of it. Great diet aid.
Oh! And one of the dogs who will remain nameless (POPCORN) who doesn't like to get her toes wet with the morning dew has taken to crapping on the *Welcome* mat--now what sort of message are we sending there? Right between the 'W' and the 'e'. "Welcome to the House of Shit"? "Welcome, but leave your shit at the door?"
Good thing she is semi cute or I would feed her to the hawk that keeps flying over trying to decide if she is a rat or a roach.
Gotta go do some chores that does NOT include poop. Laundry and Dishes. Two more things I could live without doing. And I always seem to have ALOT of that to do.
PS: "E", my ho haa, 'gina, twee twa, or vah-jay-jay is clean. #1. It is rarely used by anyone other than me (no. really. RARELY.) and #2 I don't sweat. I refuse to do anything that causes me to perspire. That's one of the reasons I have about %50 body fat. *I* don't weigh an ENORMOUS amount for my height (5'7", 150#) but ALL of me is cellulite and chicken fat. But my fat is clean. And my jello-knot is about the size of a boiled egg yolk, but not that round. More flatter and gelatinous. But thanks for the giggles--I would giggle too but it causes my vah-jay-jay to shake like a bowl full of jelly(O)! tee hee
I might have slept good last night--but Caden is fighting another illness. He is so restless. Snotty. Boogery. His cheeks are red (he always gets an eczema flair up close to sicky times). But he also is courting 2 top teeth. They haven't decided to come all the way out...but the gums are so swollen and the skin is strained. He also has the SMELLIEST poop when he is sick/teething. omg. Why can't crap smell better? My life is so full of shit (literally) that it really would make my days better if it didn't smell so bad. Caden has pooped 3 times (I gagged 2 times), Carson pooped once (but enough for 3 grown men)--he was impressed with the size and color--I was impressed with the stench. I skipped lunch today because of it. Great diet aid.
Oh! And one of the dogs who will remain nameless (POPCORN) who doesn't like to get her toes wet with the morning dew has taken to crapping on the *Welcome* mat--now what sort of message are we sending there? Right between the 'W' and the 'e'. "Welcome to the House of Shit"? "Welcome, but leave your shit at the door?"
Good thing she is semi cute or I would feed her to the hawk that keeps flying over trying to decide if she is a rat or a roach.
Gotta go do some chores that does NOT include poop. Laundry and Dishes. Two more things I could live without doing. And I always seem to have ALOT of that to do.
PS: "E", my ho haa, 'gina, twee twa, or vah-jay-jay is clean. #1. It is rarely used by anyone other than me (no. really. RARELY.) and #2 I don't sweat. I refuse to do anything that causes me to perspire. That's one of the reasons I have about %50 body fat. *I* don't weigh an ENORMOUS amount for my height (5'7", 150#) but ALL of me is cellulite and chicken fat. But my fat is clean. And my jello-knot is about the size of a boiled egg yolk, but not that round. More flatter and gelatinous. But thanks for the giggles--I would giggle too but it causes my vah-jay-jay to shake like a bowl full of jelly(O)! tee hee
Thursday, March 09, 2006
And If Cancer Isn't Enough--You Can Have THIS too...
I think that in my last post I forgot to mention that I have this "hip thing" too. Surely you remember the posts about the "quack crack" doctor... Remember? My first visit to a chiropractor? Aha. You remember. Well, I mentioned to my PCP at my last visit that obviously the pain in my hip wasn't my depressed mind's way of giving me physical pain. I know this because I have been feeling somewhat NOT depressed. I also haven't been having as many thoughts of ODing on Vicodin and killing myself as much!! Let's celebrate!
But first, back to my hip. I went and saw a "sports medicine" doctor today. She was a slight person. Short hair. Looked like she was kin to Tinkerbell. I mean that in a purely jealous way. She grabbed my leg and man handled me like *I* was Tinkerbell and she was Hulk Hogan. I went there to find relief for the constant pain I have been in for years--and left there in the worst pain I have been in--in years!! She had (another)set of xrays taken. I explained to her in the most simplest of terms where my pain IS ("If I was Barbie and you RIPPED my leg off--then tried to jab the leg part back into the hole--THAT is where it hurts."). There (of COURSE) was nothing on the xray. So she comes to the medical conclusion that it is "soft tissue". Says I obviously injured my hip flexor awhile back and then with all my coddling of that leg...I put all my weight on the other leg. Favor it when sitting, walking...well, even breathing, that I have caused it to tighten in such a way that my range of movement (pain free movement) is quite limited. So, lets MOVE it she says. She wants me to go to physical therapy in a heated pool 2-3 times per week for a month--then reevaluate it. Which in MY mind means: We aren't sure WHAT is wrong with you lady, but we will take your copay for a good month--then try something else when that doesn't work--haha!!
So I had to go buy a swimsuit. oh gawd. I won't depress you with THAT story. Just know that I have one. And even tho I look awful in it--if I see ONE geriatric patient in the pool that looks better that me--I will die. Of embarrassment.
I'm sure I'll get to bore you with even more details of my hip escapade. So now I have decided to put off the vah-jay-jay crap until it hurts me worse than the hip. I am falling apart people. Piece by piece.
But first, back to my hip. I went and saw a "sports medicine" doctor today. She was a slight person. Short hair. Looked like she was kin to Tinkerbell. I mean that in a purely jealous way. She grabbed my leg and man handled me like *I* was Tinkerbell and she was Hulk Hogan. I went there to find relief for the constant pain I have been in for years--and left there in the worst pain I have been in--in years!! She had (another)set of xrays taken. I explained to her in the most simplest of terms where my pain IS ("If I was Barbie and you RIPPED my leg off--then tried to jab the leg part back into the hole--THAT is where it hurts."). There (of COURSE) was nothing on the xray. So she comes to the medical conclusion that it is "soft tissue". Says I obviously injured my hip flexor awhile back and then with all my coddling of that leg...I put all my weight on the other leg. Favor it when sitting, walking...well, even breathing, that I have caused it to tighten in such a way that my range of movement (pain free movement) is quite limited. So, lets MOVE it she says. She wants me to go to physical therapy in a heated pool 2-3 times per week for a month--then reevaluate it. Which in MY mind means: We aren't sure WHAT is wrong with you lady, but we will take your copay for a good month--then try something else when that doesn't work--haha!!
So I had to go buy a swimsuit. oh gawd. I won't depress you with THAT story. Just know that I have one. And even tho I look awful in it--if I see ONE geriatric patient in the pool that looks better that me--I will die. Of embarrassment.
I'm sure I'll get to bore you with even more details of my hip escapade. So now I have decided to put off the vah-jay-jay crap until it hurts me worse than the hip. I am falling apart people. Piece by piece.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Am I A Hypocondriac(sp?)...?
I am convinced I have cancer of some form. Yesterday I felt like I had/have cancer in a mole on my side--right where my new bra sits--sorta in my rib area, under my arm. Ya know where I'm talking about? Well, I have this crusty mole that I pick at and pick the crusty off--it will scab up, heal then get crusty again. I know, now you can no longer look at me the same way--but it beats picking crusty boogers, right?! I know it's not *normal* and I've been seeing my reg ole PCP quite regular since my "hospitalization"...But I never tell him. Why? 'Cause I know he will want to cut it off with a Swiss Army knife and then burn/cauterize my delicate skin--and I will sit there smelling my scorched skin...Watching the smoke drift into the air...Then wait a few days to get the ALL CLEAR! Or CANCER verdict.
But today. Today is worse. Today I am convinced I have cancer of the vah-jay-jay. Or Twee Twa. Or "'gina" (as Claudia calls it). I have a cyst like, jelloish, squishy, knot like thing on the pubis area of my hoo ha. Only on the left side. So it isn't like my vah-jay-jay is just "fat" (like the rest of me). If that was the case it would look normal(er). But it's only one side. One side is fat--the other skinny(ish). And the jello/cyst? It is movable--but not like MOVABLE. Hard to describe. Please have no fear--there will be no picture posting of this anomaly. I can barely bring MYSELF to look at/touch it. And now I feel the need to call my OB/GYN. "Ummm, I need to see Dr. L, please" "And what seems to be the problem?" "Ummm...My vah-jay-jay is fat on one side?" "Explain that please" "Ummm...It isn't a lymph node. It isn't an ingrown hair...And it isn't some freaky-deaky strain of VD. It is like jello has been injected under the skin on one side of my vah-jay-jay." "Ms. I really have no idea what you are talking about. We will see you this afternoon at 2PM" Then I imagine EVERYONE will want to go into the exam room with me to see a vah-jay-jay filled with Jello. Then Dr L will tell me that one side of my vagina needs to stop eating cookies and needs to get more exercise. sigh.
Oh. And my lower back is KILLING me, as is my hip (still). I go see a sports medicine doctor (a orthopedic?) on Thursday. I hope it isn't cancer eating away at my bones.
PS: I am in no way making fun of people who actually HAVE cancer...I am making light of the fact that *I* can't stop my anxiety ridden mind from making every ache pain and Jello cyst be CANCER. If I offended anyone, I am sorry and you shouldn't read anymore of this blog 'cause I will certainly offened you about SOMETHING else. Fer sure.
But today. Today is worse. Today I am convinced I have cancer of the vah-jay-jay. Or Twee Twa. Or "'gina" (as Claudia calls it). I have a cyst like, jelloish, squishy, knot like thing on the pubis area of my hoo ha. Only on the left side. So it isn't like my vah-jay-jay is just "fat" (like the rest of me). If that was the case it would look normal(er). But it's only one side. One side is fat--the other skinny(ish). And the jello/cyst? It is movable--but not like MOVABLE. Hard to describe. Please have no fear--there will be no picture posting of this anomaly. I can barely bring MYSELF to look at/touch it. And now I feel the need to call my OB/GYN. "Ummm, I need to see Dr. L, please" "And what seems to be the problem?" "Ummm...My vah-jay-jay is fat on one side?" "Explain that please" "Ummm...It isn't a lymph node. It isn't an ingrown hair...And it isn't some freaky-deaky strain of VD. It is like jello has been injected under the skin on one side of my vah-jay-jay." "Ms. I really have no idea what you are talking about. We will see you this afternoon at 2PM" Then I imagine EVERYONE will want to go into the exam room with me to see a vah-jay-jay filled with Jello. Then Dr L will tell me that one side of my vagina needs to stop eating cookies and needs to get more exercise. sigh.
Oh. And my lower back is KILLING me, as is my hip (still). I go see a sports medicine doctor (a orthopedic?) on Thursday. I hope it isn't cancer eating away at my bones.
PS: I am in no way making fun of people who actually HAVE cancer...I am making light of the fact that *I* can't stop my anxiety ridden mind from making every ache pain and Jello cyst be CANCER. If I offended anyone, I am sorry and you shouldn't read anymore of this blog 'cause I will certainly offened you about SOMETHING else. Fer sure.
Monday, March 06, 2006
I Suck Lizards...
I am awful at cleaning. I SUCK. At home and at trying to fix my links. I screwed something up and now there are NO links. I might try to figure it out later and I might not.
Just know that "E" at: http://www.myfuckingeye.com/
and "Y" at: http://ebonymommy.com/blog/
and SQ (who never updates--so, hmmm...you might get tired of looking for something over there--but you can bitch at her like I do and maybe she will post?): http://scoutmom.blogspot.com/
and Heather, oh Heather...how I love me some Heather: http://dooce.com/
Are my favorites.
Like the new me?--but I sure have aged since that last picture...and it's only been 2 years. I LOOK like I have 4 kids. And I LOOK like I've recently been in the Nut House for a week. My eyes look tired. Look at those puppet lines! I need a face lift! And Lipo! and my boobs surgically put back where God intended for them to be! PS: That new Ipex bra from Victoria's Secret? It is the best thing since sliced bread! I am in love with my bra!! I can't keep my hands off myself...hee hee!
And here's a few from our outside in the back yard day...(Saturday):
Nanny and the kids hiking into the "woods":
A bunch of pinecones on the ground, a lil taste of East Texas:
Just know that "E" at: http://www.myfuckingeye.com/
and "Y" at: http://ebonymommy.com/blog/
and SQ (who never updates--so, hmmm...you might get tired of looking for something over there--but you can bitch at her like I do and maybe she will post?): http://scoutmom.blogspot.com/
and Heather, oh Heather...how I love me some Heather: http://dooce.com/
Are my favorites.
Like the new me?--but I sure have aged since that last picture...and it's only been 2 years. I LOOK like I have 4 kids. And I LOOK like I've recently been in the Nut House for a week. My eyes look tired. Look at those puppet lines! I need a face lift! And Lipo! and my boobs surgically put back where God intended for them to be! PS: That new Ipex bra from Victoria's Secret? It is the best thing since sliced bread! I am in love with my bra!! I can't keep my hands off myself...hee hee!
And here's a few from our outside in the back yard day...(Saturday):
Nanny and the kids hiking into the "woods":
A bunch of pinecones on the ground, a lil taste of East Texas:
Sunday, March 05, 2006
I Gotta Do Some Cleaning...
And reorganizing. And redecorating. Of this blog here. So, hopefully today--but tomorrow fer sure! I'm gonna get my links right...So you can see who I LOVE LOVE LOVE..."E"..."Y"...And the part time player: SQ. I'm gonna post PICTURES. And a new one of ME on my profile. So you can see my bangs and brownish/muddy hair. I took some "nature shots" yesterday that I want "E" to see.
Me and the (little) kids spent sooooo much time outside yesterday. We all got a tad bit of sun on the cheeks and Carson has pink ears that I want to nibble off. And that attractive farmer neck. We picked up rocks in the pasture. ALOT of rocks. We have an infestation of red rocks. That's why we like to call our little piece of land 'Red Rock Ranch', cause that's what we have the most of here. We played chase. Hide n go seek (the doghouse was the favorite hiding spot). My Mother In Law (AKA Nanny) was here...And so were Erin's (a friends) two girls. Nanny took them on an 'exploration' of our property. We only have a 3 acre pasture...But 3 sides of the fence line are wooded sorta. So we wove in and out of rotting tree limbs. Looking for 'treasure'. The dogs (all four) and one of the cats went with us. It was a grand ole time. I even discovered that there is a creek that runs right behind our property! eeeeek. I see Carson diggin' in the mud back there in a few years. Or getting snakebit. omg.
I told you that I took Caden to get his ears checked on Thursday right? And they were "clear"? Welllll, last night he had an awful night. Crying. Whimpering. At first, at 11PM, I thought "maybe too much playing outside yesterday--over tired"? But then again I don't think so much after my Trazadone tablet takes effect. But, later, at around 2AM--after standing/wobbling beside his bed, patting him, offering a bottle (which he flung across the crib), trying to find the perfect pootie (paci), changing his diaper, finding his favorite night night blanket--it came to me: he sounds like he is in pain! He was even growling, like he was getting pissed off...So I went and got him a dose of Loratab. THAT did it. After about 20 minutes he went to sleep and didn't wake again until 8AM. When I fed him breakfast I saw what appeared to be a honking huge piece of ear wax. Nasty reddish-orange-yellow in hue? So I dug my pinkie nail in his ear and snagged it--but it wasn't wax. It was all crystally-sandy like. A discharge? I Dunne. You think that was it? Please tell me that his ear drum didn't bust! Not while I stood there--swaying in a trazadone high. Should I take him to the doctor? sigh.
OK, I might try to get some pictures uploaded onto photobucket--keep checking back for PICTURES! But I might email some of the nature ones to "E"--wouldn;t want to bore you with all the pictures of rocks and pine cones.
Lata Tata.
Me and the (little) kids spent sooooo much time outside yesterday. We all got a tad bit of sun on the cheeks and Carson has pink ears that I want to nibble off. And that attractive farmer neck. We picked up rocks in the pasture. ALOT of rocks. We have an infestation of red rocks. That's why we like to call our little piece of land 'Red Rock Ranch', cause that's what we have the most of here. We played chase. Hide n go seek (the doghouse was the favorite hiding spot). My Mother In Law (AKA Nanny) was here...And so were Erin's (a friends) two girls. Nanny took them on an 'exploration' of our property. We only have a 3 acre pasture...But 3 sides of the fence line are wooded sorta. So we wove in and out of rotting tree limbs. Looking for 'treasure'. The dogs (all four) and one of the cats went with us. It was a grand ole time. I even discovered that there is a creek that runs right behind our property! eeeeek. I see Carson diggin' in the mud back there in a few years. Or getting snakebit. omg.
I told you that I took Caden to get his ears checked on Thursday right? And they were "clear"? Welllll, last night he had an awful night. Crying. Whimpering. At first, at 11PM, I thought "maybe too much playing outside yesterday--over tired"? But then again I don't think so much after my Trazadone tablet takes effect. But, later, at around 2AM--after standing/wobbling beside his bed, patting him, offering a bottle (which he flung across the crib), trying to find the perfect pootie (paci), changing his diaper, finding his favorite night night blanket--it came to me: he sounds like he is in pain! He was even growling, like he was getting pissed off...So I went and got him a dose of Loratab. THAT did it. After about 20 minutes he went to sleep and didn't wake again until 8AM. When I fed him breakfast I saw what appeared to be a honking huge piece of ear wax. Nasty reddish-orange-yellow in hue? So I dug my pinkie nail in his ear and snagged it--but it wasn't wax. It was all crystally-sandy like. A discharge? I Dunne. You think that was it? Please tell me that his ear drum didn't bust! Not while I stood there--swaying in a trazadone high. Should I take him to the doctor? sigh.
OK, I might try to get some pictures uploaded onto photobucket--keep checking back for PICTURES! But I might email some of the nature ones to "E"--wouldn;t want to bore you with all the pictures of rocks and pine cones.
Lata Tata.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Shopping With My Sistah (AKA: I Got Waxed)...
I asked my sister to go with me today on my "Day Off". PS: Robin, if she called in sick--she really was--she threw up at least twice--maybe 3 times.
First, let me tell you that Moonpie and I got into a squabble a few days ago. Over my housekeeping skills. Really, it classified as WWIII, but for the faint at heart I will just call it a squabble. I told him that I was taking Wednesday off and that HE would be responsible for taking care of the (ie HIS) children AND the house while I went "somewhere" allll day. AND he had to clean... He asked me "where are you going?" and I replied "ANYWHERE but HERE".
So, I needed a bra that a)fit me and b)wasn't a nursing bra. I have a coupon for $10 off a Body By Victoria bra and a free panty! Plus they will actually MEASURE you. I told the chick I was a "36 long"--she claims I am a 36C...whatever. We went to a discount store first and SQ bought sinus medicine, then she threw up in the bathroom while I waited in line at the register to purchase a $3.00 (clearance people!) massager...for my HIP, ok?! I JOKED that I was naming it BOB...Battery (no cord!) operated Boyfriend. And a man in line heard me...I was mortified but none the less amused. Then we went and got our haircut. I got about an inch off--SQ got 10" cut/whacked off. Enough to donate to Locks of Love!!
Then we went to the mall. And I got a wax job!! On my eyebrows!! My first time EVER. But I was confused...because *after* she ripped, what she claimed was only a "few" hairs out, she PLUCKED alot too. I do look fetching tho. But not right now...right now I am sitting at the puter in my panties--no bra, with haircolor on my 'do (going back to my "root" color, which is in the "brown family". PS: Bob is still in the car and I am home alone. hee hee. But back to our trip...Then we ate (ok. We ate BEFORE I was waxed but I am not going back and redoing my story--)at Chicks fill A (I know I misspelled it, I meant to).
THEN, we went into Victoria's Secret. SQ told me Victoria's secret: She is an expensive tramp! I got measured. Then realized I left my coupon IN THE CAR!!! So, I will get a new bra (maybe 2) tomorrow. Gotta take 2 kids to town for check ups and ortho appointments!
But the killer? I walked into a CLEAN house. And he has them at the park. WHY!? Why can't it be hard for him like it is for me!? It's not fair. It's not.
Ok, gotta go, the timer is going off...gotta wash that fake blonde outta my hair....
First, let me tell you that Moonpie and I got into a squabble a few days ago. Over my housekeeping skills. Really, it classified as WWIII, but for the faint at heart I will just call it a squabble. I told him that I was taking Wednesday off and that HE would be responsible for taking care of the (ie HIS) children AND the house while I went "somewhere" allll day. AND he had to clean... He asked me "where are you going?" and I replied "ANYWHERE but HERE".
So, I needed a bra that a)fit me and b)wasn't a nursing bra. I have a coupon for $10 off a Body By Victoria bra and a free panty! Plus they will actually MEASURE you. I told the chick I was a "36 long"--she claims I am a 36C...whatever. We went to a discount store first and SQ bought sinus medicine, then she threw up in the bathroom while I waited in line at the register to purchase a $3.00 (clearance people!) massager...for my HIP, ok?! I JOKED that I was naming it BOB...Battery (no cord!) operated Boyfriend. And a man in line heard me...I was mortified but none the less amused. Then we went and got our haircut. I got about an inch off--SQ got 10" cut/whacked off. Enough to donate to Locks of Love!!
Then we went to the mall. And I got a wax job!! On my eyebrows!! My first time EVER. But I was confused...because *after* she ripped, what she claimed was only a "few" hairs out, she PLUCKED alot too. I do look fetching tho. But not right now...right now I am sitting at the puter in my panties--no bra, with haircolor on my 'do (going back to my "root" color, which is in the "brown family". PS: Bob is still in the car and I am home alone. hee hee. But back to our trip...Then we ate (ok. We ate BEFORE I was waxed but I am not going back and redoing my story--)at Chicks fill A (I know I misspelled it, I meant to).
THEN, we went into Victoria's Secret. SQ told me Victoria's secret: She is an expensive tramp! I got measured. Then realized I left my coupon IN THE CAR!!! So, I will get a new bra (maybe 2) tomorrow. Gotta take 2 kids to town for check ups and ortho appointments!
But the killer? I walked into a CLEAN house. And he has them at the park. WHY!? Why can't it be hard for him like it is for me!? It's not fair. It's not.
Ok, gotta go, the timer is going off...gotta wash that fake blonde outta my hair....
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