Sunday, March 26, 2006

While Is Is NOT Cancer, It IS:...

Some sorta freaky tumor. And this is how I found out...

My sista came over and decided to go with me and the boys...They would wait in the truck while I went in. I was glad--gave me someone to talk to on the way! I got there and was weighed. His nurse is hilarious. I told her that she needed to warn Dr L that I had NOT shaved my legs AND I wasn't wearing make-up. I figured that since I had the baby and wasn't seeing him as often, that we weren't "dating" anymore and I didn't need to impress him. She then asked my about my "lump". 'Do ya think it might be an ingrown hair?' I told her no, it is UNDER the skin. Not on top. She smiles and says 'Ahhhh, you are going to be my *interesting case* today!' I exclaimed 'Yippeee! Now you will have something to discuss over lunch!' My sarcasm laced humor was lost on her. BUT she did say, after I shared my fear re "CANCER", 'Nah, it's not cancer, don't worry'. Whew! She then tells me to get undressed from the waist down and cover with the lovely paper sheet. They REALLY need to work on their foreplay!

Dr L. comes in and I have to tell him about the jello. The jelly. The Lump. The knot. HE snaps on gloves and feels me up for a good, silent five minutes. The nurse came back in during that and is watching, waiting...so engrossed and entertained. I look at the ceiling and try to convince my thighs that they "CAN" stay open and relaxed, even as they are screaming to snap shut like a screen door.

*THEN* he asks for the sonogram machine! What!? Why!? To get a "closer" look. I ask you how much closer does he have to get? His face is inches away from galaxies that have never been seen before--and he has prodded me with every finger he has. So he puts jelly on the wand and then smashes the knot into mashed potatoes (OUCH!). The nurse asks "Is that it!" and he ignores her. OMG. Then he shows her and says that it isn't fluid filled it is solid (is that good or bad?). And he asks me if *I* wanna see it. I say "well, if it doesn't have a heartbeat and legs I won't know what I'm looking at." But he shows me anyways. It looked like Moonpie (HAHA). No, it looked like...A black grape. Squished. He helps me sit up. And tells me it is a tumor. That we need to "watch it" right now. He said he didn't feel it was necessary to remove it just yet. It is 4 cm in diameter. That if it had fluid in it he would just drain it (OMG). If it grows before my appointment in 6 weeks I have to go in right away. I said "Well, ok, as long as it isn't cancer!" and he replies "I don't think it's cancer". WHAT!? You don't THINK it's cancer? How can we find out that it is NOT cancer? I should have said those things but I didn't...Moonpie did when I told him.

So I wait. And fondle myself 4 times per day. But get no joy in it.

But I DID get the new "ring" birth control. Ya know, that ring you shove up there and wear for 3 weeks...take it out, have Aunt Flo visit and then 7 days later, put a new ring in? Better that taking a pill every day. I hate bc pills. I do not have sex every day so, I don;t want to pop a pill for it every day. But this thing, I have sex about once per month...I don't have to remember to take it out, rinse it off, swallow it every day and back up this for X many days/weeks. So, we will see. He gave me a sample--I'll let ya know when I try it on. Tell ya if it is a keeper or not. I am soooo not excited to be putting more hormones into my body. But oh, well. If I have another kid I will die...really, I probably will.

Stay tuned for the next installment of "Her Tumor, Her Turmoil..."

3 comments:

esthela said...

Oh man, I was so sure it was a pimple! Well at least your doctor doesn't seem all that concerned about it. I haven't had a period since January and I went to the dr this week and my dr was like MAN IM SO JEALOUS OF YOU! Luckily I'm not pregnant, though--I am so not trying to be. Anyway she changed my birth control pill which I promptly ran home to research on the internet. Everyone said it gave them facial hair, loss of sex drive, acne, or brown spots on their face. EVERYONE said a variation of all those things or some of those things. Not one positive thing did I read, so I guess Ill stay with what I'm on now and you know, skip periods--whatever. I'll just stop having sex all together to make sure I'm not skipping periods because Im pregant wow this is a long entry and I am so not checking for spelling errors. Anyway glad to hear you're hoohaa is not doing well.. considering. Oh that reminds me, this lady at my work found a lump in her breast last week and then the doctor squished it out with the mamogram machine because it wasn't cancerous either. I should just write my blog on your comment page. Anyway so yeah. bye.

esthela said...

oh wait, glad to hear your hoohaa IS doing well.

Yolanda said...

I'm glad your hooha is doing well too! Is it just me or does life always suck rocks after you return from a vacation? Yours sounds like a doozy but I'm hoping things will start looking up soon.