*A*. *D*.amn *H*.eadache *D*.amnit.....

September the 6th. Carson was diagnosed with ADHD. We weren't surprised--heck we even had diagnosed him at home MONTHS ago! We saw a local child psychiatrist that my pediatrician recommended. We were there for 3 hours. 30 minutes was paperwork and the rest was spent with the doctor. Me, Moonpie (w/Caden) and Carson.

Dr S (no, not for "shrink") is a good doctor. I like him. He made us feel like we understood it all. He would ask us questions and then listen to us talk about Carson for a good while, then he'd ask another question. He tried talking to Carson (haha). Carson was his regular self--no good behavior just because we were at a doctors office! He pulled half a box of Kleenex outta the box. Tried to pull all the leaves off Dr. S's plants, ivy's, trees (his office is big). Pull books off the shelves. And roll an extra chair all over the room. Moonpie and I took turns. One holding Caden, who was an angel. And one chasing Carson around, saying "No. No, Carson. Put that back. Put. It. Back. Now. Please, Carson. Come sit down by Daddy. Over here. OVER HERE." It was exhausting. And embarrassing.

We left with a prescription after talking about how disruptive his behavior was at home, school, out in public...You name it. It disrupts us, his school mates, his teachers, the general public. But, even tho we had predicted this...It was so sad. Our boy is "defective". The boy who is one of my LARGEST sources of joy is messed up. And I want to continue to enjoy him--and I want everyone else too. And I am so afraid that if something doesn't change, then he will no longer give me joy. I am having a hard time grieving (that's what it feels like)--and I'm am unsure if I am grieving that the boy we have known as Carson for the past 2 and a half years (when we feel this all started, really) is not the real Carson--OR, is the boy who acts this way (a rambunctious/super hyper monkey) the *real* Carson and I am about to 'medicate' the real Carson away? Who IS Carson?! Have we ever known? Will we ever know? It hurts. Alot. Especially when he acts up around people and they look at me or each other like:"He needs his ass whipped--what's wrong with his parents? Can't they control him?" I want to scream at them: "He is SICK! And it's NOT my fault! He is disabled--cut him some slack!"! Maybe I should make him a T-shirt "I have ADHD--so you better get the F*CK out of my way!"

We left the doctors feeling good about one thing though. Dr. S said that most kids who are diagnosed with ADHD have problems with aggression too. Carson isn't as aggressive as most....Or he *wasn't*. Thursday (his first day on the smallest dose of meds imaginable--I could have told them it wouldn't be enough...) I picked him up from school and his teacher said it was a "very hard day". Yippee. I then tried to get him out of the building. He didn't want to leave. Finally I grabbed his wrist in an attempt to "guide" him from the gym...He promptly kicked the sh*t outta my leg and then sat down. So I basically had to drag him from the building (holding Caden in one arm). While he screamed and cried "You are killing me!!! Aaaaggghhhh!!! You are making me dieeee! I hate you!! I do!! Aaaaggggggghhh!!!!! You are squeezing the blood outta my arm!! I am on fire!! I'm burning! You are making me burn like fire!!! You let go of me!! Let go!" Kicking and thrashing down the sidewalk to the truck. I'm sure if everyone hadn't already saw me trying to manipulate him, tho certainly not at this level of mayhem, to our vehicle every day for the past 2 weeks that they would have called the police and had me arrested for kidnapping. I was mortified. And scared. Once we got to the truck, I opened the door and told him to get IN!!! He screamed "NEVER!!" I was about to drop the baby, so I drug Carson around to the other side and opened that door to put the baby in his carseat. Carson scrambled up into the truck (it's sorta "Texas" high/big), turned around, hit me and spit in my face. He is still screaming and crying. Now I am bawling. He gets to the middle of the cab, picks up his booster seat and throws it out of the truck and into the parking lot. OMG.

I finally got him to calm down. I made him sit in the front seat of the truck with me. After about 5 minutes he started asking for another pill. I had told him in the morning (after I gave him his pill) that the nice doctor had given Carson some medicine to help him. To help Carson. So that Carson could stay in control of himself. So he could be still and learn at school. SO he could listen and to help him mind. And now, here he is, obviously out of control and asking for another pill. I cried again. He was asking for help. 'I am out of control. You said those pills would help. I need help.'

I went up on his meds today. Still couldn't see an improvement. I am supposed to gradually (every 2-3 days) increase his dosage until we find a dose that gives us results at the lowest dose possible. But we were also warned that we may have to try 3-4 different meds and/or dosages before we find the right fit for him. I think every parent who gets an ADHD diagnosis should be put on meds too. I only *thought* I was crazy before. We were told to "Supervise him like he was two. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat instructions. Praise. Praise. Praise good behavior. Alot. Alot. Alot. Often. Often. Often." I am worn out. I am literally tired of not screaming. I really want to beat his butt--and then I remember--something is wrong with his brain. He has no impulse control.

This should all make for some very interesting posts people...Put down that clicker and stay tuned.