Walking In Memphis...

Tonight my groom and I will stay at the Peabody in Memphis. Our last night of honeymooning before heading home to our trailer park box. Our new house won't be ready for another few weeks.

We've had a blast the last few days. Met some of his family here in Tennessee. Met people he went to high school with... kids he grew up with on his street. Walked thru the woods looking for a lake that no longer exists. And it was sweet. I loved every second of it.

Went to an out of the way, tiny winery. Drank every wine they make--and bought 6 bottles to take home--and a souvenir for my sister...hee hee.

So, tonight is the finale. But don't worry, we'll go out with a bang.

..."these are the best days of my life..."

I Had Me Some Testicles Today...

This post was actually penned a week ago--but I had a humongous brain fart and lost my ability to log ont this blog thingy. But here it is now:

Today I grew huge testicles. And then I "manned up", took care of business and then, I'll admit it...I fondled them a little before giving them back.

I quit my job today. I did. I went in there and resigned, effective immediately. Well, I hugged a few kids, told them I loved them, cried a few tears AND then quit. I also hugged a Mom and whispered in her ear "I just quit". Her response? "Oh shit!"

It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I'll miss those kids. I'll miss 73% of the people I worked with. The others? They can kiss my smooth, soft ass. I've got another job. Well, sorta. I've been told the job is mine. I just have to go down, apply and pass the background check. It's really a sucky job. But they have insurance. And it works for me hour wise and child care wise. Plus...no kids. Heck, really not many adults either. Alot of "alone with my MP3 player" time. No phones. So, it works for now.

Last Friday I ran into a guy who works at the opthamologists office that I used to work for. He was thrilled to see me and literally begged me to go back to work there. That made me think "I AM worth *something*". I'm not a bragger, but every job Ive ever had, when I left I was told "You are always welcome back". I work hard. So, it was all the incentive I needed to quit. So I did. And within hours I had a new job--without even trying. When these things (quitting/losing your job) happen... you find out who your friends are. I have friends. Good ones.

If something good happens to you--pay it forward. Life is all about Karma. I've been watching all the "My Name Is Earl" episodes (never watched it before last week)...Earl Hickey is on to something. Good things happen to good people. So, don't forget the guy next to you. All he may need is a kind word or a gentle smile.

PS: Someone I know went to court today. Subpoenaed. It all ended well. No perjury was committed (deeeep sigh...small chuckle).

Feel Free To Jump Off A Bridge...

This is MY blog. You are free to come here, read it. Giggle with me or AT ME.

You are free to comment. If you say anything I don't like I get to delete it. If *I* say anything YOU don't like: Don't come back. Orrrrrrr, feel free to jump off a bridge. Choices. Make one.

His Stalker...

So. My ex husband.

I just found out a few weeks ago that he is dating our 7 year old daughters best friends MOTHER. While she was married, living with and hadn't told...her husband. She may be an angel. I mean, after all, per the EX she has never smoked, drank or cussed. Never mind that she was having an affair (IS, IS having an affair) with someone 20 years older than she is. Poor girl.

Anyways, The EX calls me the other day...

EX: "I'm being videoed."

Me: "Wha???" I thought he might have been referring to a sex tape or something...

EX: "Her husbands SISTER is following me all over town, taping me."

Me: "How do ya know for sure?"

EX: "Because 2 different strangers at 2 different places came up to me and told me there was some woman crouched down behind the building and she had a camera."

Me: "Then, yeah. You are being videoed. Make sure your fly is up and you don't have anything stuck in your teeth. Wave! You'll look friendlier that way."

EX: "We have a call into her attorney (The same one he had in OUR divorce). We're getting a restraining order."

Me: "Good to know. Sounds scary for you."

This could get messy. Think of all the future episodes I could relate to you. This is gonna be sorta fun. In a sick demented way. Hahahahahaha!

On The Mend Of The Mind...

Ok, I am so tired. So this will ramble and make no sense to anyone, unless they have a brain deficiency, sorta like mine.

I didn't go to sleep yesterday. It was 1AM this morning. This was partly my fault. But I can't tell you how and keep my PG13 rating. I only got about 4 hours sleep. Because of the auditory hallucinations (buzzzzz, buzzzz, buzzzzzzzz) and the 17 yr old who came home at 3AM--I forgot to leave the storm door unlocked.

Today was evil at work. I had 14 three year olds on some sort of speed. One who had "bathroom" issues...and had corn for dinner last night. Please tell me you don't need more info. My boss, who pretends to be a bible quoting Christian... isn't so much of a Christian. Go figure.

Needless to say, without saying it all, that I will be job hunting as soon as I get home from the honeymoon. A job with insurance benefits would be best. Hell, WalMart almost looks good. And I heard FedEx was looking for delivery drivers. I look good in navy shorts. But I'll probably look into one of the local Health care Monstrosities. In either a clinic or hospital. I have patient services experience (check in/out, insurance verification, medical billing, medical records and scheduling). And the insurance package is the shizzle--I know, since "the ex" works for this hospital also...but as a respiratory therapist/nurse irritant. And I lose my benefits next Saturday. The minute I marry Sweets--no insurance for me. And Sweets doesn't have insurance either. He does have health care--he gets his health taken care of--he just has to pay full price for it!

My meds are working. I do not hear fluorescent lights going out... or people opening the storm door. I have all my clothes on. Right side out. I had bfast and lunch today. I'm talking at my normal 200 mph now. I still feel really hot. Not "nipple tweaking" hot... but "I am about to burst into flames and burn up" hot.

I have a dress to wear to my wedding, shoes, a cake, flowers (picked out) and when Sweets finds someone who has "the power vested" in them--we can REALLY get married. Because if he can't find a minister/pastor or justice of the peace to drive out to the sticks--our ceremony will be performed by white ducks who reside on the pond or my 7 year old daughter...who is a smarty pants.

Monday we will pick up the marriage license. Hope I don't have to show that I can perform wifely duties while parallel parking. We picked up his wedding band a few nights ago. Is a size 11 finger big? It's too big for my thumb. I haven't tried it on my big toe--yet. It just seems big to me. I mean, it fits his finger--but ELEVEN? Oh well. He's 6'1" (or 2)--maybe that's normal. Normal? Do *I* want normal? Nah.

OK, just read this and I'm still a little "off" sounding--more so than usual for me. So, before I tell you things that will make *you* blush and *me* ready to beat the latest record...

G'night. Sweets will be home soon. Kids are in bed, near sleep. And I hear a glass of wine calling my name.

Manic/Depressive Imbecile...

Why does it never seep into my brain that STRESS + no sleep + not eating right + maybe running out of a med or two will = manic/depressive episodes?

I have meds. I'm going to bed AND to sleep at a decent hour (as in 'before tomorrow'). I will eat lunch AND dinner tonight. I will...relax.

So...

Tomorrow you will be returned to your regularly scheduled program. Without the mania. The hot flashes. The 500 mph speech patterns and without the tears. AND I will be properly and thoroughly dressed.

Wedding Stress?...

I will marry soon. Very soon. Like, less than 2 weeks soon. I haven't a dress yet (really not worried), my sister's handling the cake. Duncan Hines would've been fine with me. Am I really stressed? Nahhhh. I'm 40 years old. And I have only now, literally met the man of my dreams. And probably the man of a few others dreams too (sorry chica...)!

But I am also a realist. As perfect as he is for me--there are flaws too. Flaws I see. Flaws that only he has--flaws that he shares with his species (why can't men put paper on the roll?). Flaws that I don't see now, but I'm sure I will later. And you know what? They only make me love him more. Because they make him HIM. And I love him. Warts and all. I love the silly accents he uses while reading to me--or to the kids. Whether he's reading the Bible to me or Hank The Cow Dog to them. Or The Hobbit to his kids. I love how silly he looks when he first wakes up--like a lost boy. I love that he is smart. That he texts song lyrics to me--obscure ones...ones only we seem to get. I love that he is a procrastinator. That he forgets where he left his checkbook. That he doesn't watch much TV. That he forgets to clean the bird cage--after he told me he would (If he reads this he knows this is *my* sweet way of saying that I would love it MORE if he would DO IT!).I love that he is political (even tho I am not). I love that his ideas don't always match mine--and that his way isn't always "right" and mine isn't "wrong". I love that he doesn't mind if there is laundry on the couch. The chair. The dresser. The bed. That we move the pile from one spot to the next until that pile is gone and a new one takes its place. I love that he brings me flowers--for no other reason than that he thinks I'm having a bad day. I love the way his hands look on me. The way he looks at me--and just...*looks* at me. I love the way he makes me know--that even if things are going to be bad--they are going to be OK.

So, the thought of marrying him doesn't stress me. The opposite. He is my rock. My one constant. Nothing feels...*righter* than marrying him. Sometimes I only wish I had met him sooner--but then we wouldn't have been right for each other. We had travels to go. Players to meet. Ways to grow and lessons to learn. NOW is our time. And everything up until now was only to get me ready for this. Practice. To see how to play this part--and the way to do it? Don't play. I get to be ME this time. And I get loved for it. Because I know that he loves me--and all my flaws too.

I can't wait to be his forever--actually, I already am.

So, no worrying about me (those who are). Be happy for me. Be sick of me telling you how wonderful he is--I promise, he's a man--he has dirty underwear in the floor...he has yucky "man" habits. He snores. He hogs the bed. The covers. Leaves hair in the sink. The lid off the toothpaste. The air set on 70* when he leaves the house. He gets "moody" and hurts my feelings. He eats all the bacon. He isn't perfect. But he's perfect for ME. And he loves ME. And for the first time in my life-- I love someone for WHO they are--the whole person. Not for who I think they will BE.

We will marry at his parents house. On their property, near the pond...a morning wedding. All 8 kids in the wedding. Our only attendants are the kids. They want it that way and so do we. Small wedding. And a quick get away--a trip to Memphis/Nashville. I wish you all could come.

This is the beginning of 'happily ever after'...

PS: He looks out for me too. He knows how important it is that I take my meds. He knows all about *that* ugly part of me. Remember, he even educated himself on it... He wants me healthy and happy too. He LOVES me. He makes me feel like I matter to him. Never had that before. He TELLS me that I matter to him. He shows me. Who could ask for more than that?

Calie, My First Baby...

Now she is all grown up. All 100 pounds of her. Can NOT believe she is a senior this year. We literally grew up together--and we still are (growing up together). I made this!! And it amazes me...

My Very Own Bed In...

A few days ago, one of my favorite bloggers, Black Hockey Jesus, wrote about he and his wife staying home, in bed all day, "pantless". BHJ is on my blogroll, over *there* >>>>>> The name of his blog is The Wind In Your Vagina.

Since I've had a monster headache for 5 days--I picked Friday for my "bed in". I got me some Imitrex, Vicodin and beer. I covered the damn parrots and pulled the sofa bed out. Piled the bed with every pillow in the house, turned on the TV, popped pills, swigged beer. And slept for 3 hours. Still have the headache--but its small. Managable. And I found a gem. Today BHJ reviewed a book. By Andrea Askowitz. The name of the book? My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy.

Go buy it. And buy me one too. I am overdrawn again.

Day 4. I Can't Take Much More...

Head still aching. Throbbing. Pulsating. Making my jaw tight. My eyes hurt. I want to climb in a dark, cold closet. With several vicodin and several alcoholic beverages. Except I feel a little sick to my stomache too.

I need to clean my house. I need to do laundry. I need to mow my yard. Clean the parrots cage--THEY don't even want to be in there anymore. I neeeeed to play with my kids. My real kids...not those brats I *teach* every day. THEY are getting on my lassssst nerve. I had 13 Tuesday by myself. This morning I had 15 by myself. I told the front desk that if I didn't get help ASAP--I was walking out the door and SHE could take 'em. She took my 3 youngest and my 3 oldest--and left me with the 9 worst ones. Gah.

I have chewed the top layer off the right side of my tounge. Which makes me want to worry with it even more. I havent shaved in 5 days (that is HIGHLY unusual for me). I feel gross. Look gross. Act gross.

One of my 3 yr olds in my class is suddenly pulling her pants down at nap time (WTF??). And raising her shirt. I have NOOOOO idea why. But it stresses me. Worries me. She wants to take ballet. I told her ballet dancers dont act like that (another kind of dancer does tho). But this afternoon I have to tell Mom. NOT looking forward to that. Parents can be funny sometimes. Sometimes, not so funny.

Pretty sure the ex is having a midlife crisis. It's sad. Mainly for my kids. One of whom knows about it all. THAT is the saddest part.

We are getting sheetrock in our house RIGHT NOW!! It is beginning to REALLY look like a house. I noticed there didn't seem to be plumbing for a dishwasher... HE was shocked and flabergasted. I told him "no problem. We'll just have Claudia, C and V as our dishwashers." He better be glad he said "Oh we WILL have a dishwasher!!" Cause I was NOT kidding about child labor...I had to wash dishes when I had 3 kids--one in a sippy cup, the other on the bottle. I got on my knees, fist raised in the air and said "As God is my witness...I will NEVER hand wash dishes again!!"

If I wake up tomorrow with this headache--I will take my kids to school--call in sick...go to Direct Care and get a shot to knock my ass out. Oh, and my headache out. This is ridiculous. Sednd me "go away headache" vibes. They look like this ">>>>>**@**<<<<<"

Wow. I Wanna Be A Muse When I Grow Up...

I saw this. Doesn't it make ya wanna be a muse???** This is hot stuff in my book--and my book isn't thick or full of lofty ideas or politics. But *this*? THIS sends me...

"For my muse . . .


Then Spring Came

Summer came and went
Autumn leaves were spent
Yellow, red, and gold,
Pain, remorse untold
Upon the ground were spread.
"Come with me," you said.
Then spring came."



**I AM his muse. But feel oh, so undeserving of this.

The Mother Of All Headaches...

I've had an awful headache for 2 days. I thought it was a regular ole headache. Then my 17 (18 in January) daughter asked me to bring home a home pregnancy test. The headache got bigger. It was negative. But my headache didn't get smaller.

Found out that my ex husband is dating a ** year old AND a married 25 year old (FYI: HE is 45). My headache got bigger. My 17 year old is disappointed. Disgusted. As am I. She wants her Dad back--not the hormone ridden teenager she is living with.

My sweet, ADHD baby had a great week last week. But this week has already started off bad. He sat in OCS all day today for threatening to "cut" himself in school. And for throwing a two year old temper tantrum over having to put away his crayons. The headache grows.

I'm getting married on October 25th. Of this year. Like, less than 3 weeks. I don't have a place or minister to marry me. A dress. My kids clothes. A few flowers. Invitations. A cake. My head hurts.

The house he is building will not be ready after we marry. Not for a few weeks more. Where will we live? Here? The RV? His parents? Throb. Throb. My eyes. My cheeks. My teeth. All hurt.

I'm eating less. But gaining weight. My eyes became very itchy and swollen last night. Every day is a bad hair day. I can't get control of my house. Clothes are everywhere. I haven't seen the top of my dining room table in weeks. Something smells in here--and I can't find it. I suspect it's a sippy cup with milk in it... sigh. My head. My head. My aching head.

Today I had 13 three year olds on crack. BY MYSELF. And no liquor available. I was spit on. Told NO! NO! NO! Cleaned up 4 "accidents" in their pants. Suffered through a food fight. It took everything I had not to lock them all in the closet. My head is about to explode. I wanted to run from my classroom. Screaming...but it would only make my head ache more.

Then, I was offered 2 vicodin. I took 'em. Both. Two 750's. The pain is still there. sigh.

And now the debate is knocking on my head too. I need a gun.

Suspended 6 Year Old...? For Being ADHD...

Last Friday I had been at work for 45 minutes when I was called to the the front desk for a phone call. It was the school. The Principal. Calling to tell me that my boy had punched another kid (with a fist) in the eye. And he was suspended. For the day.

When I got there, Carson was sitting in the office. So happy to see me. He kept asking "Mom. Mom! Why am I in here?" I finally got on my knees and faced him. I asked him to tell me what happened. Eventually he said "That boy was aggravating me and calling me names. So I hit him." Before he could get it all out the Principal said "I don't believe that Mom. He lies to us allll the time." I bristled. He may lie--but do you have to say it in front of him? He has already told me that his teacher thinks he is stupid. He hears all the labels. Stupid. Bad. Now Liar.

His teacher was called down to the Principals office to "tell me what he said yesterday". His teacher had walked out of her room. Leaving 19 kids in there. A few wondered out loud where she was. Carson said "She's dead. I killed her." The Principal looked at me (Oh! Carson said he didn't say the "I killed her" part) and said "If I was a paddling person, I'd have been using it today". THAT was the straw that broke the camels back. I stood up and told her "You will NOT talk like that in front of him. He does NOT need to be in here to hear you tear him down--and you will NEVER paddle him." Carson was escorted from the room. I asked both of them if they had ever received training regarding ADHD children?? Or ever MET one? The Principal informed me that she has a grandchild with ADHD. I informed her that they hear "bad", "stupid", "idiot" and "liar" enough from their peers. He needs people he can bond with, people he can trust, people he can respect.

Just then the school counsellor walked in there. The Principal said "Make his weekend miserable. Make it unfun. So he knows how serious this is". I wanted to choke her. The counsellor stood up and said "Everyone here needs to realize, this is a SIX year old with SEVERE ADHD--and obviously the meds aren't working like they should. He can't be held 100% responsible for his actions. He should NOT be punished all weekend. He will not understand that." I wanted to hug her. Take her out for Mexican food. Invite her over to watch movies. Bake her a cake.

Carson went back to work with me. He was quiet and reflective for the most part. The Director let him play video games in her office. On Sunday all 4 of my kids went to church--as well as the 4 kids who will be my step children. Carson behaved himself FINE. No problems. I'm beginning to think its the teacher. Or??? what?? He started taking 10mg of Strattera the first of this school year. Now he's up to 30mg. We are about out of options--the next me we could try would take a while to get in his system...and he would have to be CLOSELY monitored while on it. Blood pressure, blood work, heart. This is scary stuff. He's 6. He's not a big thing at all. He's skinny (the meds messes up his appetite). He's short. But he's adorable. And I love him with all my heart and soul.