I Am Still Living...

Alot has happened. Calie=worse teenage behaviour ever--don't say 'they all go thru it' or I will come thru the computer and kill you (only barely kidding). At least I am not going to be a gma (yet).

Carson was switched to Strattera for his ADHD. Doing better--but his teacher is already talking of holding him back next year. Sigh. For godsake, he is only in Kgarden!! He is very very smart--but behind socially and behaviourally. In other words, smart as a 5 year old but immature as a 3 year old. Example: CPS was called to our house (loooooong story) and while I was visiting with the representatives Carson was angry that I couldn't give him all my attention--so he peed in the toybox. Niiiice.

Claudia is becoming a angel/devil. Somedays she can be so hateful. She constantly slips notes under Calie's doore like "Calie is a cry baby" or "Calie is mean and fat" or "Calie is grounded. Love, Dad" Then she can be sweet and draw a card for every person she knows telling them how much she like them and how she wants them to come over for a tea party or for an ice cream party.

Caden is showing his assertiveness by throwing toys (usually AT people), biting and pulling the hair if his siblings then running off to hide. He can talk better now. Tho we went in to see the ear, Nose, Throat guy and his tubes were coming out and he had an ear infection on once ear. sigh. He calls me "ma" and Moonpie "d". Sometimes he feels like talking in an Italian accent and putting an "ah" sound on the end of some words. "Get up-Ah, Ma. Want Juice-Ah." "I go with D-Ah in his truck-Ah." "Leave me alone-Ah!" "Go Away-AH!!"

We now have 15 cats/kittens. Moonpie keeps saying he will get rid of some of them--but it's hard to tell him which ones I don't want. We now have one in the house--he is Claudia's cat. His name is "Dirty Boy". We also have Ink, Milo, Hissy, Her sister Pissy, Lilly Belle (had a looong time), Tiger, Baby Jane and her 3 babies (one drowned in the dogs huge water bucket) and a few that don't have names--cause they are hard to catch.

My Gma. My Gma discovered she had congested heart failure. She failed a stress test and then she went in and had a heart cath and had open heart surgery the very next day, on Halloween Day. Claudia turned 7 on Nov 1st--and my gma passed away on Nov 2nd and 1AM. At the visitation Claudia went with us as she was sooooo close to mawmaw. Claudia spent the whole time at the casket, smoothing away mawmaws hair from her forehead and holding her hand. She took her High School Musical necklace off and put in the casket with mawmaw.

It has been very hard for me. Mawmaw was always the first one I called if the kids did something funny or they were sick--. Now I can't do that. She made the best cornbread. She was a real homegrown cook. Made banana bread (Moonpies favorite). Was the Queen of "dollar store" shopping. I know Wal-Mart is missing her too. I can remember her stopping to pick a lone shoe up on the side of the road "in case we see the other one in a few miles". She would buy sized 42 pants on sale for $1.00 even if NO ONE wore that size--cause you never know when someone may wear that size! And it was "Only $1.00". She brought me a tooooon of food when Moonpie left me--later I discovered that 80% was past their expiration dates.

I now wear a ring of hers on my finger. And have a few more put away (her Mothers ring). Pieces I may never wear but pieces I love. I have a few of her plants and am determined to keep them alive--the Christmas cactus is starting to bloom...

Moonpie is home now. We both are in counseling--but not together (yet). My psychiatrist sent me a Dear John letter, she is moving to Ft Hood in Texas and is dropping all her patients here--so we have to find a new doctor. sigh.

This past weekend Caden, Carson and I have had the most dreadful virus. Won't go into much detail but I have to wash my sheets (AGAIN) and every blanket/sheet/pillowcase/towel in the house today. And spray everything with Lysol (again). And I feel so weak and tired. You wouldn't believe how long it has taken me to type this post.

My best friends husband just found out on Friday that he is bipolar too. I feel so sorry for her. And for him. I hope I am not as big an ass to Moonpie as her husband is to her.

Can't get into the Christmas Spirit...but I received my 1st Christmas card today--made me smile. Vicki, I love you, man!

Hope everyone is well.Estella, sorry bout your braces--cant seem to post comments on your blog ( www.myfuckingeye.com ). But Calie is having brace issues as well...our treatment was to last 31 months and we are past that. Can you say "out of pocket"? If only she had worn her bands like she was told...now it will be early Summer before they are off...brat.

Excuse typos (or kissmyass).

Helllloooooo!?

You thought I died---didn't you!? I didn't. I got satellite internet...had trouble getting blogger to recognize ME in my new clothes...see my new email? up there... see it now? Make note of it because the old aol one is, well, old!

Got lots to say. But can't today. Almost time to pick the rug rats up at school.

Hugs and love and pinches

I Might Have Been Born At Night, But Not LAST Night...

Calie and a friend of hers watched the kids so Moonpie and I could go out to eat last night. After we finished dinner Moonpie decided we would go get Calie a new TV (hers broke about 6 months ago). So we get home about 9PM. I play with the kids and lay on my bed watching cartoons with them while he hooks up the TV, DVD and DirectTV.

I went to sleep about 11PM. Moonpie came to bed about 2AM.

The girls had drill team practice at 10AM but did NOT want to go or get up--I forced them. I'm a mean bitch. Moonpie drove them to practice then came home to work on the DirectTV in her room--it wasn't working...and he found clues leading him to believe that they snuck out last night...snuck out the bathroom window, AFTER 2AM...

When will she learn? Maybe she won't. He took her cell phone away from her (OMG--she may diiiiiieeeee). They said they snuck out (and met a boy) and drove to a friends house and watched a movie... sigh. My therapist tells me that this is all "normal" teenage behaviour...I guess I want her to be abnormal like I was and NOT sneak out.

He Is Definatley A Boy...

Carson has Moderate (not) to Severe (yep) ADHD. He tets my patience, my sanity, my ability to hold off on homicide on a daily basis. Yet, I love him more than them all. I have to. Because everyone else has a deep roted fear or disqust of him.

Right now, behind my bed he has thrown a broken raw egg. A soda bottle that he *says* he peed in. And an orange from 2 months ago. My bed weighs 2 tons. I can't move it unless I take the whole thing apart. Not gonna happen. PS: nothing stinks (yet). He is really into spitting lately. I hope it's not a "tick" associated with Tourettes. But I can ask about it tomorrow at his psychiatrist appt. I haven't been consistent in giving him meds because he deerves a break this summer (I think). I do medicate him if we will be in public (ie Birthday party) or stuck inside alllll day. But I don;t know if it really makes enough of a difference. When he comes down off his meds he is very whiny and clingy. Like 'in your face' clingy. The whining will make your ears bleed. Or your ulcer.

The other night I was sitting on the couch with him watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turltles and he looked up at me and said "Mama, your hair looks better hanging down" (I had it clipped up). So I undid the clip and fluffed my hair and said "Like this?" And he said "yeah, now your hair is as poofy as the rest of you". I said "Huh? Where am I poofy?" Carson replied "Your legs, yor butt and your tummy". So matter of fact. Like he was still giving me a compliment. Just like the males in his species--can't give a compliment and in seem sincere. Boys!

PS: He kept leaning over During the moving and kissing my arm or hand (his "male" way of saying "I'm sorry?")!

Year 16, The Year Of The Devil...

Oh my. Calie is not normal. She radiates hate towards me and Moonpie. And her siblings. Last night I told her to come home (she was "hanging out" with friends). She told me they were watching a movie and she would come home at the end. I told her "no--come home NOW". Her reply? "Mother, stop being so stupid!" OMG. I wanted to strangle her. I told her to get her ass home before I called AT&T and disconnected her pphone service. She was home in 30 minutes.

She can't wait til she is 18. She thinks she will just move out and her life will be a big party. I ask her "How will you pay your bills?" She will work. "How will you go to school?" When I'm not working. "So that leaves *how* much time to party?" UGH. Lots of people do it Mom. Quit saying I can't do it.

She hates us so much she will leave and never come back. I will never see her unless she needs money. This is not what I envisioned. This is not how it is supposed to be.

I can't leave her with the kids for very long at all. They say she is "so mean" when I am gone. They hate to stay with her.

She has a therapy appointment comeing up in early August. I hope it helps her. I really do. I need a break.

Corn. I Will Never Serve Corn Again...

I have been changing diapers all day with corn in them. And it has been the most disqusting thing I have ever looked at or smelled in all the other kids I have produced. Especially when it is smeared on my bedroom window sill.

It is days like this that I look towards the sky, not so much towards heaven, but mainly just UP to get the kids out of my line of vision, and I moan--When? When will this shit end?!! People who are well meaning (my therapist, psychiatrist) say that in a few years things will be so much better when they grow up a little and need us less. HAHAHAHAHAHA. This makes me burp up a little vomit. They forget we have a 16 year old. When Claudia turns 16, Carson will be 15 and Caden 12. This shit won't end until I am OLD(er). Why...I'll be 49 and Cliff will be 54. I'll be in Rusk (Insane Aslumn)

Speaking of my Psychiatrist...I'm begginning to think she is a figment of my dilusions. I had an appointment with her in June. I showed up and their electricity was off--some transformer crap of an excuse. So I was rescheduled for July 30th. Today I got a note in the mail and it's been rescheduled to August 31st. I told the scheduler that didn't she understand that I am a crazy person and she is making my life harder not easier. She said if I needed more meds (which I do!) I could come to the clinic and talk to a nurse (ooooooooh Goooooody).

ok, gotta go. Fight over a blanket while watching Sharkboy and Lavagirl (omg.).

That's How I Roll...

Tonight I sit here in front of my new computer...that is just as slow as the one we bought when I was pg with Claudia (2000). But this week someone who shines, who glows with a light from within, who can brighten smiles and is responsible for spontaneous parties will come into my home and give me satellite internet!!!!! I will post with the speed of a NASCAR driver. I will surf the net til my fingers shrivel. I will be happy. Calie will be estatic.

Onto other news. Caden pooped in a potty yesterday. Twice. Peed on the floor 3 times. Peed in Diego! underwear 3 times. We were thrilled. HE was thrilled. Today he wore the potty on his head.

Calie is about to start therapy. Don't ask me why--cause I'm not sure. But she has told me things that made me wish she wasn't so "comfortable" talking to me. She asked me yesterday "Mom? How do you know when you are in love?" I wanted to say "Don't ask me--obviously I picked a loser!" (tee hee)

Moonpie and I are getting along great (still no sex). I almost feel like he is my friend (I dont think I ever thought of him as a friend before). I feel less like shooting the finger at the back of his head or cussing him out from the saftey of the laundry room (where he can't hear me). I still have urges to slap him upside the head--but I am able to control those urges.

Claudia is almost 16. Can you believe it? 16. what? she's only six?! Are you sure? I am beginning to wonder if Carson does NOT have ADHD--I think all his bad behaviour is because Claudia is constantly aggravating, frusterating and irritating him. She wants lipgloss on at all times. And bosses the entire family around. Wench.

Carson's T-ball team won 1st place in their league. Carson spent alot of time digging in the dirt or scratching his ummmm...leg, so I can't say that huge trophy was due to his catching skills or tagging abilities. BUT, he ALWAYS got on 1st base when he hit! He has a new hero. Spiderman. I bought him the outfit at Wal Mart and he has worn it for 4 days straight this time. It even has a mask!

We now have 7 cats (2 of who are currently pregnate AGAIN) and 7 kittens. FREE KITTENS! Get your FREE KITTENS here!!

Bipolar Thoughts...

My life really is a mess right now. Calie is sneaking out, lying...being 16. Carsons ADHD meds stopped working long enough for him to spray paint my washer and dryer black (in the middle of the night)...then a few days later he busted 30 eggs into his bed and carpet in the middle of the night. We started him on new meds yesterday--so far so good. I have been diagnosed as bipolar. I'm on enough meds that sound scary to start my own psychotic show (Lithium and Klonopin to name a few).

And Moonpie (AKA Asshole) left me on Monday because he "Couldn't support me in the way I needed". He also isn't attracted to me AT ALL--and there isn't even a "spark" there anymore. 12 hours later he changed his mind and begged me to let him stay-- I may be fucking crazy but I told him to get his crap and GO. It's gonna take ALOT to heal these wounds--they may never heal. But I will survive (With God and some gooooooood drugs). PS: He left all 4 kids, 6 dogs, 5 cats (and 4 kittens) and 1 fish with me. He went to his mothers (who has yet to call and check on her "daughter-in-law OR grandkids). Wednesday was his day off--he didn't come see the kids. He saw them last night.

I gotta go. I have no concept of time right now and I need to ice some cupcakes for school.

REAL Mental Illness Ain't Funny...

Thursday I went and saw a psychiatrist. The meds I've been on were not doing what I needed them to do. You know, keep me sane. Safe, My kids safe too. I was unsure about this new doctor, his waiting room looked like Christmas. The tree was still up. Holiday cards fixed to the walls....weird.

When he finally called me in he asked me questions. I talked a blue streak. My knees were jumping up and down like CRAZY. I couldn't stop them. (I tried-hard)

So now I am Bipolar I. On Lithium(300mg 2x). Klonnipin(1mg 3x per day) Effexor XR (150mg) and Trazadone 50mg. I am a druggie. And a lifetime of crazy--there is no cure for this. And I can pass it along to my kids.

I'm not happy.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not...

I know. It's been a long time. I have no excuse--rather, I have 1 million of them. If I told you everything you wouldn't believe me. Ha, you probably would! To save you (and me) time I'll be brief.

Calie. Turned 16. Grounded until the next lunar eclipse. Did you ever pull the ole 'I'm spending the night with "C"' but "C" tells her parents that she is spending the night with "D"? yeah. She spent the night at a 20 year old BOYS house with about 15 other kids. There was drinking and everything. Well, not 'everything'. But enough to ensure grounding until the next lunar eclipse. Plus she will have a "C"(!!!WTF?) in Geometry.

Claudia. Lost her first tooth. Got lice at school. Went to the Sweetheart Ball with her Daddy.

Carson. Got sent to the office at school (while in PreK!!). Told his teacher "blah, blah, blah-blah blah." When she asked him if he understood what she had just said to him. Missed 3 days of school due to fever--no idea what is wrong with him. Still ADHD (bad).

Caden. Has had 13 ear infections in 15 months. Is having tubes put in on the 28th of this month. Has moderate hearing loss. Has 15 teeth. A temper. And a poopy diaper. Hasn't slept well in 3 weeks now. Neither have I.

Moonpie. Had an episode of pvc's (skipped heart beats). Went to the ER. Where he had NONE. I had to throw the biggest fit to get him to go to the ER (it wasn't purdy). Where we then spent $600 for them to say "hmmmm... take this prescription to help regulate your heartbeat. Get a cardiologists just in case it ever happens again. Good luck."

Me. Yeast infection. Water aerobics. The FLU. Did you know there is a test for the flu? I didn't. They shove a q-tip up your nose til it is lodged into the frontal lobe of your brain. If the brain matter is green and infected then they say "You test positive for the flu!!" Vicodin. NyQuil. Tamiflu. and 4 days in a coma. And you still feel like crap. whoooeeee!

Today is Carson's 5th Birthday. But we aren't telling him. We are celebrating tomorrow (kids are out of school).

Missed you all....