Sunday, September 07, 2008

Dysfunction Is Normal Around Here...

You all are aware that *I* have issues. Manic/Depressive. On medication. And STILL I have issues. With trust. With feeling unworthy of everything--even the air I breathe. But I come by it honestly. Honestly.

My Parental Units (the real ones) have mental issues. Addiction issues. Personality issues. So do my siblings. I love my sister with a passion that borders on insane. And although she has never (that I know of) been on medication--she has been depressed (maybe is right now). My brother has even deeper issues. For one, he resides in Mississippi. If that alone won't qualify you for Nut Status, I dunno what will...

We had a hard life. This isn't for sympathy. Or even empathy. But if you want to send money to help with my rent issue, let me know (HAHA).

Our childhoods included alcoholism, spousal abuse, borderline child abuse, child molestation (parents were aware of it but never did anything about it) and your regular ole vanilla brand of crappy care. So, when *I* feel like the worst mother on planet Earth (and that is daily)--I know, it could be worse. But that is no consolation.

When I was diagnosed as a nutter, I was partially relieved. AHHHH, a NAME for this feeling I've had all my life. The mood swings. The lower than low depression. And then I was also partially...even MORE depressed. I'm crazy. I'll likely be on meds FOREVER. FOREVER reminded every night by 3 pills. And every morning by 4. And God forbid I should forget 2 days in a row. This isn't like birth control where you double up and take precautions. Oh, no... Do this and you have a frrrrreak out.

You may cry uncontrollably if your 3 year old says "You're FIRED!!" because you didn't fill his sippy cup quick enough. You may slam on your breaks just to get your screaming kids attention as they scream/slap/pinch one another in the backseat. You may eat a bag of Wavy Lays or drink a 5th of whiskey and Coke. Smoke a pack of cigs and eat half a box of Raisin Bran. You may scream at the screaming birds to STOP SCREAMING!!! Then...then cry.

And this is my normal life. And some days, I can handle it. And then, there are days like today. Where I feel a nervous breakdown coming on.

5 comments:

Shonda Little said...

Good for you for overcoming all that without being bitter and cold. And good for you for seeking help for your own depression. We all face problems and some of us look for the right ways to deal with them. You are doing the best you know and your children are lucky to have you.

Anonymous said...

You are my hero. You are strong. You are brave. You will be okay.

** vic

James Spurgeon said...

If you were "normal" (whatever that is) I wouldn't love you nearly as much.

Besides, who else would understand (and love) me with my abnormalities?

Trixie said...

Hold in there. The days get better x

Slick said...

Chin up....

Easier said than done, I know...

Take a deep breath, we're in your corner.