Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Not Mistress Of My Domain...
I suck at being an adult. I should have remained 12 and never grew up. I want to stay young. I do. But the big scary world expects me to be responsible. I find this hard to do.
When I was married to "the Ex" I NEVER paid the bills. He was the math wizard (tho he never finished his degree), so he paid bills, balanced the checkbook, all that jazz. He reminded me DAILY to take my meds. And if I got grumpy, his first comment was "Did you take your meds today?" My comment usually was a silent, but well known hand gesture. I know, but it made me FEEL better. Sorta.
Now that I am on my own... I'm not doing so well. I have a cable/internet bill that's 2 months old. Electric was due...today? Yesterday? Tomorrow? My car registration went out in...(very embarassed to admit this) 06/08. Drivers liscense went out in August. It is VERY possible I am driving with no insurance on my car. I'm afraid to call and ask if I've been dropped. My checkbook? I just go by the atm daily and check my balance (which is MEAGER).
I've gone a few days without meds. Enough that my future husband sold his firstborn to buy me pills (just kiddin'. No one bought him.). But it was enough for him to realize that ME without meds = one crazy a$$ wench.
I know I need to get myself together. Every month I tell myself "GET IT TOGETHER!!". And I seriously *want* to. But I feel like I am in a hole. And the hole is getting deeper. And people keep walking by, shaking their heads and saying "You better get it together, girl!" But no one will reach a hand down and help me out.
I bring home $1000 per month from my job (HA, should call it a hobby). And "the Ex" gives me $400 per month for my equity in the house we bought in 2004. That's it. That's my income. Rent is $695. Electric runs $200. Water $35. Cable/Internet $115. Car insurance $85. Garbage (wtf?) is $25. Psychaitrist $40. Meds $90. I'm not counting gas and food...cause...I have NO FREAKING IDEA. But, YOU do the math. I am struggling.
And I wonder why my head aches like a MO FO. And why I crave ciggarettes and liquor. Got any ideas? Besides selling myself on the street--'cause as bad as I feel, I'm giving it away for free to feel good for a few minutes.