Headway...

Remember that Moonpie went hunting? Well, he is due home later tonight--about 5PM. I have to say, I missed him...some. I looked forward to him calling me every night and telling the kids "No. No, Bubba...I didn't get a deer today. But I shot a HOG!" or "I saw alot of squirrels.", guess it's another empty handed year.

I did little to none housework while he was gone. I figured *I* needed a break too. Even IF I had to be here with the kids. We all piled up in the living room and slept on pallets (I did get those put up every day) both Friday night and Saturday night. I thought I would have a hard time getting them to sleep in their own beds Sunday night, but they did alright. Of course Carson ended up in bed with me after midnight--then peed in my bed.

So today has been clean it up day. Kids are in school. Only Caden here to distract me. I've cleaned the kitchen (swept and mopped too!)! The living room is cleanish and I even made my bed--with fresh clean non pee smelling sheets. The clothes are all put away and I even cleaned off the bar (Moonpie's pet peeve). My legs are freshly shaved and my hair is clean--all in preparation for his homecoming. Bet he doesn't even notice. He better!!

Moonpie lost his keys a few weeks ago. We looked everywhere for them. Well, obviously not *everywhere* since I found them today while cleaning out the kids closet. They were IN a pair of shoes...wonder who did that?! So, I know Moonpie will be thrilled when I tell him that. Seriously. No, seriously.

So, I guess I am feeling good. Right this minute I smell good and my house is cleanish. So, I am making headway into sanity. Part of my feeling good is this: A very dear friend (who I haven't talked to in a few weeks) called me on Saturday and asked how *I* was feeling and what meds I was on--because she is *very* depressed and was seeing a doctor that afternoon. I talked to her for 2 hours. She sounded pretty bad off. Thoughts of suicide. Tons of self blaming and loathing (Been there, done that). I felt good that I knew what to say--that I could advise her and counsel her. I gave her the number to my therapist and offered to keep her baby (6 months old) while she went to the docs. I felt bad that I didn't know what she was dealing with, since I hadn't talked to her--but I felt good after we got off the phone. She called me after her appt and sounded SO much better. She's on meds now. And I could hear relief in her voice that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I just have to vacuum and dust and I am done for the day. I feel like "I'm King of the World!!!"

Jangle Bells...

The kids are getting excited about Christmas. We (*I*) put up the tree the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It's a tie between Caden and Carson on who gets in trouble the most for touching the tree. Carson is doing GREAT on his new dose of meds--his teacher actually called me twice in one week to tell me what a good job he is doing. She said it's "amazing" what a difference the increase has made. I've seen NO ugly side effects either! Goooooo Team! Carson asked for Santa to bring him a jingle bell--we saw The Polar Express and he wants a jingle bell from Santa's sleigh. I'll bet he gets one too!

Caden has added a few words or 'it sounds like a word' to his vocabulary. Plea (Please). CookE (cookie). Nanna (banana). Ha ha ha (Ho Ho Ho). The cold(er) weather here has caused his eczema to flare up BAD. His legs look like scratching posts. Poor baby. I had to buy a lock for the fridge cause he learned to open it and would bring me packages of wieners or the ketchup.

Claudia had Parents Day at dance. That's when you get to sit in on the class that you pay for and SEE them dancing! She did pretty good. She got tired of doing the same dance over and over and over so she made up her own steps...I forgot my camera and video--but took crappy pictures with my phone and even crappier video to show Moonpie. Her tap dance is to Chattanooga Choo-Choo. CUTE! Good thing they have until June or July before recital...They got a ways to go.

Calie has the hots for a new fella. He likes her too--but they are moving slow (good). Football season is over but the drill team will be performing at all home games for the basketball season. J plays basketball. It's so funny to hear her come home and tell me word for word what was said at lunch. "Then he said________ and I laughed and said ________!" I hope it never ends...The 'her talking to me' thing...

Moonpie has been extremely nice the past few days. May have something to do with the fact that he leaves on Friday to go on a hunting trip to West Texas--and won't return until LATE Monday night. I told him that he BETTER bring something home...Even if he has to run over and armadillo to do it. The past few years he has come home empty handed. He bow hunts which means they have to crawl into your lap before you can shoot one...Plus he keeps waiting for Bambi's father to show up (big--lots of antlers--trophy sized) and he never does.

I've been feeling a little better (depression wise). I've been putting my plasma money on account and I have over $100 in there so far. I usually get my money before the hole in my arm clots over and have it spent before I get home. So saving it is a big thing for me. I want to get Moonpie something good for Christmas--without spending alot of money. I almost have a touch of Christmas Spirit. Today I added butter and egg to a mix and rolled out some sugar cookies--I made alot of Christmas trees, stars, angels and reindeer. Then I let Claudia and Carson spread icing on them and add some sprinkles! Of course I made 48 cookies and let them decorate 4 each before my patience was in the negative range. But it was progress... Ho Ho Ho.

Thanksgiving Host...

I hosted Thanksgiving this year. There was me, my 4 kids (Moonpie was working), my sister, her husband and their 2 boys and my Mother In Law. My brother and his family stayed home this year...I DID ask them to come. I roasted a turkey (I've never done before). Prepared dressing, green bean casserole, scalloped corn casserole, a spinach salad, a (jello pudding) chocolate pie, a cheesecake pie, thawed out some brownies, opened a can of Ocean Spray cranberries, made some jalepeno dip and opened some chex mix. My MIL fried some chicken and made rocking mac n cheese. My sister made a yummy punkin pie. We all pigged out.

I was so thankful for my guests. I was thankful when I carved the turkey and there was no bloody juices. I was thankful my sister browned the rolls--I would have burned them. I am thankful my MIL brought me some new bath towels (she believes in gifting the hostess...so sweet). I am thankful that Claudia, Carson and Caden only pooped 9 times between themselves. Tummy Virus? I was not thankful for the burnt onions on the green bean casserole. Not thankful that I forgot to do the gravy. Not thankful that when Moonpie came home he said "I hope yall plan on cleaning this place up tomorrow". And I swear to you, on a stack of Bibles as tall as Michael Jordan that it was NOT that bad--I had already cleaned the kitchen. But I was thankful that the couch was comfy that night--I slept like a baby--a baby who sleeps thru the night.

Today the dogs ate the left over dressing and the left over green bean casserole. I am supposed to put the Christmas tree up today. sigh. I have my windows open, it is so warm today. Well, warm for the end of November. And I am supposed to put up a Christmas tree today. That means I have to climb up in the attic (while making sure no one climbs the ladder behind me), drag the stuff down (without dropping a huge Rubbermaid tub on anyone's head) and then PUT IT UP! And decorate it. And keep Caden out of the tree. And clean the house to Moonpie's standards (or close).

Think I'll go eat another brownie before I really get started. OH! I bought and read the best book yesterday. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. I read it ALL! and cried my eyeballs out. LOVE IT. Get it if you can. Calie's reading it now.

More Drugs. Please...

We are upping Carson's Ritalin tomorrow. I think his little liver has caught onto the fact we are drugging him and so it is dumping the meds SO fast. He had been taking half of a 5mg pill in the AM, a quarter of a pill twice at school (10AM and 1PM) and another half at home after school. Now we are moving up to one half 4 times per day.

I am hoping that the increase is tolerated well and that it doesn't cause him to hide under tables and become depressed or over sensitive to EVERYTHING. Or say "Cookie" at everything. That was his catch phrase the last time we upped his meds. "Carson, help Claudia pick up the blocks." "Oh. Cookie. Cookie." If it does we will just back off again and talk to his psychiatrist. I am also hoping that when we go back to the shrink in December that we can move up to the patch. That will cause less of a disturbance to his school schedule.

I was at school with him twice last week. Once for a field trip and then later in the week for "Thanksgiving Dinner" (umm..yuck). He was OK...but I did have a few kids in the class say "Carson is wild" or "He likes to get in our faces too much". I tried to tell them "Well, Carson is just so excited to be at school and he likes his friends so much, we just have to remind him when he gets into your personal space". I want the kids to be kind. To like my boy. To cut him a little slack. I don't want him to become a social outcast. It is hard to explain without saying "Carson is ill. He is different. He is special." I don't want him to be labeled by his peers like that either. Ugh.

On a lighter note...Carson (and Claudia) got new Leap Frog Leapsters (hand held game) that teach numbers, shapes and allows them to be creative and use the drawing section. They LOVE them. Calie said it was the best money we ever spent on them--because the house is almost eerily quiet at times. Thank you Mimi! They LOVE them!!

A Few Pictures...

Haven't posted pictures in a while...



Calie. Every night she has to try on the next days "outfit" and I have to assure her it looks great.

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Caden. Waiting on more food.




Alice the Fairy and Woody.

Me Oh My...

Me. I've had emails "checking on me". I've had my sister calling me (crying) and worrying about me. I've had friends (Courtney) calling me and saying "Are you OK?" and even tho I know they mean the very, very best. That they love me 100%...it makes me feel so guilty. Like my depression is...I dunno. I wish it was easy to fix. That all the calls, emails and love could wipe it out but it doesn't--and that makes me feel guilty. Like I am failing them. I wish their calls and worry and "lets go do ______ today" would help but it doesn't.

I'm not thinking about suicide. It's not *that* bad. But it is there. The depression. I try to keep busy. I "do" alot with Courtney, I talk to my sister at least once but sometimes 2 times per day. I am a member of the local MOPS group. I donate plasma twice per week. I take my kids to the doctor when they need it. I wash their clothes. Make supper. Bathe them. But I feel like it is all just 'motions' I go thru... Sometime I 'do' so much that I just want a day at home. Where I do NOTHING. So I can rest. Watch TV. But then I get one of those days. Like today. And the depression is so THERE. or HERE. Maybe I need to go back into counseling. But then that would be one more "thing" I do. And maybe this is why I haven't taken that application and turned it in. Because subbing when they needed me would just be another thing I "do". Do I make sense? Well, I do to me! haha

Maybe my meds need adjusting. Or changing. Maybe I need something--but I don't know what I need. Except for a nap. I know I need one of those.

Claudia's SIX!

I can't believe that Claudia is 6. We had a birthday party for her last Friday night, here at home. She was so excited. We had family and a few friends of mine that have children her age (or close to it). I had Wal Mart fill up 30 balloons with helium. We taped them all over the place. I made her a cake and bought premade cupcakes too. We had pizza delivered. She got some niiiice gifts too. Her favorites (today) are the tea set and this digital puppy thing from the Littlest Pet Shop.

I heard her telling Carson "When you are six, then you will understand!" all about why sometimes words end in "e" but you don't SAY the "e". Smart girl.

At the party she dressed in a ballerina outfit, strappy sandals with clog heels, a hoodie jacket and her "today I am 6 years old!" ribbon. Quite the fashion plate. She has a boyfriend at school. Still the same one. They call each other "pet names" at school. Claudia calls L. "HoneyPie" and he calls her "Buttercup". OMG. The teacher finds is quite funny that Claudia signs her papers "Claudia *hearts* L." I try to discourage it gently--but her teacher tells me it is all normal (ha) and the less I say/do the better. Calie broke up with her boyfriend--she didn't "feel sparks" about him. They are still friends--tho I suspect he wishes more. I was hoping that this little update with Calie might persuade Claudia that she can be friends with L. also. But they are still an item. He even got his mom to buy cupcakes for Claudia's birthday for the whole class. aggghhh! hahaha!

I filled out an application to be a substitute teacher at a private, church based school. But I haven't turned in the application. Caden would be able to go to the day school/day care for free while I am there...and I could make about $50 per day. But it is just hard to get my mind around it all.

The weather has turned cooler. It is almost like Fall, for real. But in a few days the highs are supposed to be in the 80's. That ought to make my head cold/sinus stuff really take off. Yeah, and multiply times 20. Moonpie has been taking the kids on "adventures" into the pasture alot. Since we sold the horse the pasture is no longer off limits to them, so they are having a grand time.

Carson has strep throat again. And his teacher thinks that his antibiotic is messing with his adhd meds. He had a really "hard" day at school yesterday. One of the worst ones she said. He only has to take the antibiotic for 6 more days (when I told his teacher that she almost fainted). I am going to a 4 part seminar at Carson's school regarding "self directed discipline"...can't wait to see how that is done.

Caden is getting braver and more "terrible two" like every day. He is throwing more tantrums and hitting when he is mad/upset. This morning I was holding him in my lap at school, in the cafeteria, while waiting for Carson to get his breakfast tray...and Caden wanted DOWN. Because I wouldn't let him, he reached back and over his head and grabbed my throat and attempted to rip my skin off. I now have scratch marks on my neck and chin. Heathen. He needs a haircut. But there is nothing I love more than rubbing my nose and cheeks on the downy hair at the nape of his neck. yummy!

Calie is still Calie. Maybe my "slap her" instinct is less these days but she still aggravates me to no end. I went into her room this AM and her dog has no food and the hamster (that she has banished to her closet) has no water. So she will get the "You are so irresponsible...how would you like it if I didn't feed YOU?" lecture for the 3,000th time when she gets home. I'm sure this time it will make an impact on her. not.

OK, going to tell you about me but I gotta do it in a post by itself...

Mini Update (yes, we are all still alive)...

This will be quick, I am afraid. You see, Caden is crying, hanging onto my leg. Calie is getting ready for Friday Night performance at the football game later. Claudia is designing wedding dresses at the kitchen table. And Carson is watching the latest Halloween Show on Noggin.

I have been battling depression again--but really, when is it ever GONE?! Carson's ADHD is hard. He is having more good days than bad--but the bad is BAD. He loves to call everyone at home "dub ass!!" or "stoopid calla idiot" (we have no clue what the "calla" signifys. Maybe it is his variation of supercalafragilicious??). He rips off his shirt/pants/underwear if so much as one quater of a drop of ANYTHING gets on it/them, screaming "I'm wet!! I'm weeeettttttt!" Very fun for the teachers in the cafeteria at lunch, I am sure. He melts very easily into rage or heartbreaking tears. He isn't eating very well at school. At home I feed him everytime he says he is hungry, which comes in spurts. He passed his vision and hearing test at school (why am I surprised? He acts deaf at home). His whining will cause your ears to BLEED. But when he is good--he is very very good. I love this boy with a river that runs fast and deep. He is Woody (from Toy Story) for Halloween. The cutest, rootinest, tootinest cowboy in my land.

Calie is a bitch. She is 15, almost 16. Hateful. Selfish beyond belief. Mean. Snappy. I want to slap her. Daily. Sometimes many TIMES per day. She is MEAN to her siblings. Not just mean, HATEFUL. Her anger at them and us is so THERE that yo ucan taste and smell it in the air--like sulfur. Isn't that what the air is supposed to be like when Satan is around? Maybe I should wear garlic and carry holy water. I am hoping this is a phase. And if it doesn't pass soon she will be up for sale on ebay.

Claudia. My Little Boss. This one keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh my ass off. Yesterday she came home singing this: O Tom the toad, O Tom the toad. Why are you laying in the road? You did not see the car ahead. And now you are marked with car tread. O Tom the toad. O Tom the toad. Why are you laying in the road? Who can't laugh at that? "where did you hear that, Claudia?" "from My teacher."

Caden. 18 months old tomorrow. Still on the bottle (but not ALOT). Tomorrow I take ALL of them away. Not one more ounce of milk/juice/water will come from a bottle. Can he come sleep at your house Saturday thru next Wednesday? Nights will be a pain. Days will ache. I will probably cry more than he will. My baby. He looks so....so little with a nip in his mouth. He still refuses to call me "mama". I am "nana" (sounds just like mama, but with n's---na na.) I tell him to stop--people will think I am his grandmother, well, I AM 38.

I had a positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago. Talk about suicide thoughts. Short story--I am no longer pregnate. There will be no long story. Moonpie was great. Sometimes great doesn't help tho.

We celebrated 18 years of marriage/concentration camp a few weeks ago also. Guess what I got? If you guessed nothing you win a prize. And your prize is the same thing I got...

Gotta go. Caden is still fussing. I am still depressed. Calie is still a bitch. Carson's still watching tv and Claudia is silent...maybe she is folding the towels? ha...

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

Not so much today--but the past week or 2. Caden had a tummy virus. Puking up chunks of whole milk and Goldfish crackers. Then Carson had it. Twice. Carson is well known around these parts for 'puking while running'. He hates to throw up--so as soon as he starts (with little to no warning) he runs around trying to get away from the vile bile. And YOU try to keep a towel under his flailing head. Yeah, try. Then, on the day I thought Carson was done...He pooped on the floor of the bathroom. And Caden pooped on the floor--on the carpet--and STEPPED in it. sigh.

I had a touch of it. Nauseous. Mouth watering. Sweating. Feeling all "blech". Tired to the bone. Exhausted. I thought "OMG. I hope I'm SICK and not pregnate". I was sick. yehaw.

So, now I have mountains of blankets, comforters, sheets, pillowcases, pillows, towels, blankies, stuffed bears and wash cloths to wash, disenfect and air out. I may never get the smell of "a little tummy bug" outta the house.

3 out of six have had it--I don't want to do this again. Ever. So if someone gets sick they are banished from the house--they have to stay outside with the dogs and cats. You think I'm kidding.

Random Pictures....

Calie curled her hair once. It looks great...but she says it takes toooo long to do.



Claudia is so creative. Those are carrots for hair, peas for eyes and nose and pasta for a smile (the leftover peas are in her napkin).



Carson--during his "blue" period at school. poor fella.



Caden. Cute huh?

We Soooo Were Due For This...

No, we didn't win the lottery. Can't win if you don't play, huh?! But yesterday Carson brought home a GOOD note! I'm so excited I could scream. Yipppeeee! Goooooooo Carson! He had an "awesome day". The teacher told Moonpie, when he picked up the kids, that Carson had no "hard times" at ALL! No hitting, spitting, hiding or tantrums. He was able to participate in almost everything they did. He even helped a friend fold up his nap blankets after naptime. Without being asked! Moonpie took them out for a sundae after school. He was even able to stay on task almost all day. He was still hyper and very talkative but they were able to reason with him and get him redirected without bloodshed or headaches. What a prize.

The kids and I had a "sleepover" in the living room last night too. I try to have one every weekend. Me and the kids make a pallet in the floor and I let them sleep in the living room. I slept on the couch and Caden slept in the playpen in there. We all watched TV til we fell asleep. Everyone slept good--even me! This morning we had to get up and take Calie to drill team practice, so we stopped and got donut holes and pigs in a blanket. Everyone is in a good mood (at the moment) too. Oh happy day! Carson is playing with playdoh and Claudia is making a puppet with a brown paper sack. Caden in playing in the playpen. And I get a few minutes to chat with you.

Took Caden to the doctor yesterday. He doesn't have an ear infection (yet), but he has a horrible cough (back on the breathing treatments) and a runny nose--very nasty. Doc gave us a weeks worth of Singulair and a prescription for it. Hope it clears it all up. Poppy is coming down to the "river" for a few days--so we will go see him later. Poppy is my Uncle/Daddy. A paraplegic (Vietnam) who has had both legs amputated in the last few years (poor circulation). I adore him and so do the kids.

So it is looking like it might be a good weekend. It's about time.

I'm A Little More Edumicated Now...

I feel a little more educated on AD/HD and the side effects after talking to Carson's psychiatrist the other day. We took Carson off all meds Wednesday and will resume them on Saturday. Sure enough, his "emotional" bits calmed down. He has not had a "tantrum" since Tuesday (at school). His hiding under the tables has dramatically reduced as has his clingy (mainly to me) behavior. Mornings and drop offs at school have been almost pleasant!!

On Wednesday he goes to 1/4 of a tablet every 3 hours, instead of 1 in the morning and 1/2 at Noon(ish). We think that the emotional stuff was caused by that whole pill hitting him all at once--then his afternoon behavior was caused by the dramatic "fall off" of the meds. So, in short, smaller dose more frequently should (oh, please. oh, please. oh PLEASE!) help.

I have been reading and highlighting alot of stuff in my books--I want to loan them to both Carson's teacher as well as the school counselor, since they seem as educated as I (was). But before I loan them out I want to KNOW what I'm talking about. Ya know?

In other news...Caden is sick (again). Coughed his head off all night last night. Claudia can read (Pat ran. Pat can bat. Pat can tap. And so forth...)!! She is so excited. Such a smart girl! Kindergarten and reading. Boy, I learned how to color in the lines in Kindergarten...Back in the old days. Calie deserves her own paragraph....

Yesterday, when I went to the High School to pick Calie up, she wasn't in her usual spot. So I waited a few minutes and was looking around...And in my side rear view mirror I spot her: Walking down the sidewalk HOLDING A BOY'S HAND!!!!!! In public! At school!! OMG. Seems she got "asked out" yesterday. Her first High School boyfriend...Who happens to be the brother of a boy she had a crush on earlier (over the Summer and at the beginning of school. She has a class with her new boyfriend and would talk to him about her old crush...And came to like *this* boy better. I got to hear alllll about it--and how embarrassing it is to have sweaty palms. tee hee. AND Calie made straight A's on her progress report. Pretty good for never cracking a book huh? Turkey.

I may go back to work after the first of the year. As I am sure many of you do--we have an embarrassing amount of credit card debt...And our goal is to have NONE. But playing the lottery hasn't paid off (at all). So, if I ever want a new(er) vehicle, or my kids to go to college I may have to (gag) actually WORK outside the home as well as in it. Moonpie can't work anymore than he already is...64 (and sometimes more) hours per week is his limit. Oh well. I will surely survive, tho barely!

Hope you all have a great weekend. Supposed to rain here--and boy do we need it!!

I Hate The Not Knowing...

I hate not knowing the answer to things...Especially things I should already know. Like, if Calie tells me that she knows what I'm getting as a gift from Moonpie--it kills me. I will bug the heck out of her until she gives me hints or caves and tells me. Or if someone says they know more about a subject (like why one of the pediatricians resigned) I plead or beg until I get the low-down.

Last night Carson's teacher called me at home. Carson has been spending alot of time under the table in class. She is worried about him. Is it the meds? Part of the ADHD? Part of his manipulative mind (he IS pretty smart)? Or what!? Yesterday he crawled under the table and they decided NOT to spend time pleading and trying to get him to come out and sit/listen/watch what ever they were doing...she said he stayed under there for over an hour!!! Doing NOTHING. Just sitting there. Not really listening. Just "veggin'" under the table. The slightest little thing can set him off. At home he doesn't sit under the table--but he will say "I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm a scardey cat." and then run off to his room and hide under a blanket. He is non compliant (if it is something he doesn't want to do). He is more opositional. He even kicked his teacher on Friday and on Monday because she was "squeezing the blood" out of his arm. Really she was (gently) trying to get him to line up or sit down. Yesterday afternoon he hid from the student teacher (under a small table behind the door) and she had 3 teachers helping her "find" Carson. I imagine she was FREAKING out thinking "I have lost this kid! How do I tell his mother that I LOST him!?" I got him to come out (Claudia found him) after I sat on the floor and talked about him outloud. "I wish I could get Carson to come out here. I missed him today and I want to hug him. And I was going to take him to the park, too." He came out slowly and just crawled in my lap. We talked quietly for a few minutes--not about his being under the table, then we got up and left. He was fine the rest of the day (that I can remember).

I called his psychiatrist today--and they said it may be this evening before he calls me back, after he sees his patients. I really wonder if this is so NOT the right meds!? Or what? More time? Is there something I can/should be doing? Besides all the things I AM doing? Or instead of? uggghhhhh.

Today I dropped his meds back down to half in the AM and half in the afternoon. He had a good day at school...Today. Geez...I dunno....

PS: I just ordered "ADHD for Dummmies" from Barnes and Noble...should get it by Thursday...

Homecoming 2006...

We had our homecoming game last night. Our local team played a rival of theirs. And we spanked their butts! Yippeee. Calie's first homecoming as a Star Stepper (drill team). They did a high kick routine. They looked great.

A friend of mine (I helped a little) made a HUGE/Gorgeous mum for Calie.


A darling one for Claudia (and for *her* 2 daughters and a friends 2 daughters) and a garter for Carson. All 3 of us have daughters in kindergarten this year--so she made the teachers mums too! She is amazing. She worked SO hard. The kids looked fabulous. We picked all of our kids up early from school and took them to Calie's High School for the pep rally. The girls wore cheerleading uniforms (just for dress up--none of our girls are *real* cheerleaders) and we were a huge hit, everyone thought our kids were adorable (and they were). Check out the picture!



(L-R, back row: Carson, Claudia, Kaylee, Hannah & Ellie
front row: Alyssa)

I took snacks and gatorade to the game for the kids so I wouldn't have to buy any concession stands food (chaCHING). The kids were good about sharing everything with all the kids around us. The girls had a good time shaking their pom poms at Calie everytime they took the field. Moonpie showed up about 7:30PM and stayed until after half time, then he took Claudia and Carson home with him (he has to work a 12 hour shift on Saturdays). Me, my Mother-In-Law (the best one on Earth) and Caden stayed til the end. I made a few new friends...A third grader, a first grader and a Pre-K student--all girls. Caden was fascinated with pulling the youngest ones SOFT hair. She was the most adorable, talkative black girl I have ever had the privilage of meeting. I may even eat lunch with her next week! Me and my new friends ate some nachos and shook our pom poms the hardest!! Goooooo TEAM!!!



OH! Caden had us all in stiches. He kept "blowing" his nose on a baby wipe and then trying to wipe the baby wipe on the man sitting next to my Mother-In-Law's leg!!!

We finally made it home about 11PM and crashed. It was a happy, hectic day and now I am glad it's over. Thank Goodness my Mother-In-Law went with me. She is the best.

Right NOW! Now! (I am so impatient...)...

I want results, darn it, NOW! It has been a week now since we started Carson on his pills and I am seeing a difference...but not fast enough, long enough or good enough. I am impatient. Even tho I KNOW it will take some time.

Carson is taking one whole pill in the AM and half at school now. And he has recieved a half at 3:30PM twice (not every day--just on the really "hard" days). Yesterday was a pretty OK day. The day before (picture day ) was awful. He took his shirt off at school a few times. Hid under the class table when things weren't going *his* way. Was extremely "wild" at home... I am so tired. He is really good at taking his pills too. We give him the pill and a spoon of chocolate pudding. He puts the pill on top of the pudding and then he uses his finger to push the pill under the pudding then he eats the bite of pudding. Letting him put the pill in the pudding gives his some control and responsiblity in taking his pill. Seems to work.

I haven't seen any "zombie-ness" at all. So even tho he is sometimes easier to reason with and seems more focused...he is still a wild one. But not so wild that *I* wonder if he has contracted rabies, tho strangers may wonder...

Claudia is doing great--tho sometimes you can tell she is pushing my buttons since I am having to spend some extra time with Carson. I bought them Play-Doh the other day. It is something that Claudia the artsy crafty one adores...but the intresting thing is...Crson will sit still and play WITH Claudia and the Play-Doh for about 15-20 minutes!! So it is a good thing to do after school to unwind and settle down. I have to buy Carson a new Leap Pad--his old one (bought for Claudia 3 years ago) is broken (that's hat happens when you carry it around by the PEN! Oh well--they are relatively inexpensive in the grand scheme of things-- and that is another activity that Carson will sit still for.

Well, gotta dash-- time to take the little ones to school. Have a good one my friends...

PS: Homecoming is TOMORROW! The kids are sooooo excited They don't even know I had mums and garters made for them!--and I made huge cow bells for them to ring at the game (I feel a huge headache in my future).

*A*. *D*.amn *H*.eadache *D*.amnit.....

September the 6th. Carson was diagnosed with ADHD. We weren't surprised--heck we even had diagnosed him at home MONTHS ago! We saw a local child psychiatrist that my pediatrician recommended. We were there for 3 hours. 30 minutes was paperwork and the rest was spent with the doctor. Me, Moonpie (w/Caden) and Carson.

Dr S (no, not for "shrink") is a good doctor. I like him. He made us feel like we understood it all. He would ask us questions and then listen to us talk about Carson for a good while, then he'd ask another question. He tried talking to Carson (haha). Carson was his regular self--no good behavior just because we were at a doctors office! He pulled half a box of Kleenex outta the box. Tried to pull all the leaves off Dr. S's plants, ivy's, trees (his office is big). Pull books off the shelves. And roll an extra chair all over the room. Moonpie and I took turns. One holding Caden, who was an angel. And one chasing Carson around, saying "No. No, Carson. Put that back. Put. It. Back. Now. Please, Carson. Come sit down by Daddy. Over here. OVER HERE." It was exhausting. And embarrassing.

We left with a prescription after talking about how disruptive his behavior was at home, school, out in public...You name it. It disrupts us, his school mates, his teachers, the general public. But, even tho we had predicted this...It was so sad. Our boy is "defective". The boy who is one of my LARGEST sources of joy is messed up. And I want to continue to enjoy him--and I want everyone else too. And I am so afraid that if something doesn't change, then he will no longer give me joy. I am having a hard time grieving (that's what it feels like)--and I'm am unsure if I am grieving that the boy we have known as Carson for the past 2 and a half years (when we feel this all started, really) is not the real Carson--OR, is the boy who acts this way (a rambunctious/super hyper monkey) the *real* Carson and I am about to 'medicate' the real Carson away? Who IS Carson?! Have we ever known? Will we ever know? It hurts. Alot. Especially when he acts up around people and they look at me or each other like:"He needs his ass whipped--what's wrong with his parents? Can't they control him?" I want to scream at them: "He is SICK! And it's NOT my fault! He is disabled--cut him some slack!"! Maybe I should make him a T-shirt "I have ADHD--so you better get the F*CK out of my way!"

We left the doctors feeling good about one thing though. Dr. S said that most kids who are diagnosed with ADHD have problems with aggression too. Carson isn't as aggressive as most....Or he *wasn't*. Thursday (his first day on the smallest dose of meds imaginable--I could have told them it wouldn't be enough...) I picked him up from school and his teacher said it was a "very hard day". Yippee. I then tried to get him out of the building. He didn't want to leave. Finally I grabbed his wrist in an attempt to "guide" him from the gym...He promptly kicked the sh*t outta my leg and then sat down. So I basically had to drag him from the building (holding Caden in one arm). While he screamed and cried "You are killing me!!! Aaaaggghhhh!!! You are making me dieeee! I hate you!! I do!! Aaaaggggggghhh!!!!! You are squeezing the blood outta my arm!! I am on fire!! I'm burning! You are making me burn like fire!!! You let go of me!! Let go!" Kicking and thrashing down the sidewalk to the truck. I'm sure if everyone hadn't already saw me trying to manipulate him, tho certainly not at this level of mayhem, to our vehicle every day for the past 2 weeks that they would have called the police and had me arrested for kidnapping. I was mortified. And scared. Once we got to the truck, I opened the door and told him to get IN!!! He screamed "NEVER!!" I was about to drop the baby, so I drug Carson around to the other side and opened that door to put the baby in his carseat. Carson scrambled up into the truck (it's sorta "Texas" high/big), turned around, hit me and spit in my face. He is still screaming and crying. Now I am bawling. He gets to the middle of the cab, picks up his booster seat and throws it out of the truck and into the parking lot. OMG.

I finally got him to calm down. I made him sit in the front seat of the truck with me. After about 5 minutes he started asking for another pill. I had told him in the morning (after I gave him his pill) that the nice doctor had given Carson some medicine to help him. To help Carson. So that Carson could stay in control of himself. So he could be still and learn at school. SO he could listen and to help him mind. And now, here he is, obviously out of control and asking for another pill. I cried again. He was asking for help. 'I am out of control. You said those pills would help. I need help.'

I went up on his meds today. Still couldn't see an improvement. I am supposed to gradually (every 2-3 days) increase his dosage until we find a dose that gives us results at the lowest dose possible. But we were also warned that we may have to try 3-4 different meds and/or dosages before we find the right fit for him. I think every parent who gets an ADHD diagnosis should be put on meds too. I only *thought* I was crazy before. We were told to "Supervise him like he was two. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat instructions. Praise. Praise. Praise good behavior. Alot. Alot. Alot. Often. Often. Often." I am worn out. I am literally tired of not screaming. I really want to beat his butt--and then I remember--something is wrong with his brain. He has no impulse control.

This should all make for some very interesting posts people...Put down that clicker and stay tuned.

So, Maybe I'm Not So Old...

I did get to go out for my birthday. One of my best friends (shout out to COURTNEY!!) took me to our favorite dive...Who serve the best margarita's (well around here in a dry county anyways...). "Ain't no place like..."!

We drank a few Presidentes'. Ate a few chips. Drank a few more. We were loud. We were silly. But, we always are--even while stone sober. We aim to have a good time. We sat in the bar. Our waiter was H-O-T. There was a table of 3 guys (who were NOT H-O-T) and a girl (who was lukewarm, at best) catty-corner to us. We got ready to leave and asked for our ticket--then another waitress brought us ANOTHER margarita...On them! Of course we drank that one too.

Courtney drove. So I acted a fool. We played to music loud--rode with the windows down. Waved at all the people on the road driving by. Laughed loud. I semi flashed a trucker. Then went to another best friends house (she was stuck at home with 3 girls. Ages 5, 2 and 4 months...), she had had a hard day--so we made her laugh, bathed her baby and gave her a tiny break.

Then Courtney dropped me off at home....All before 10:00PM.

But I had a good time. I was allllll by myself. And we made it home alive and without getting arrested. Thanks Courtney!

My Karma Report Score...

Back in, like 1992-ish, Moonpie and I went to buy a new car. A credit report check showed that I had defaulted on a loan from a college that I had never attended. After 10 miles of red tape and 2 acts of Congress later it was corrected. And we got that new car. So, I was able to fix that. But how do you get your Karma report fixed? Because my karma and someone elses is obviously "F"d up and crossed some how. I am not a bad person. Really. Yet, if you believe in "what goes around, comes around" (which *I* do) then I must have robbed a few banks. Must have been a HORRIBLE child. Something.

After 1 week of school, it had been determined that I had to have ANOTHER conference with Carson's Pre-K teacher. He can't keep still. He can't follow directions. He is loud. He disrupts the class constantly. At nap time. At lunch time. He even got in trouble for being too rowdy (and not listening to the teacher) in GYM!!!(?) He even had to go see the school counselor because he kicked his teacher (WTH?!). So. I had to take Caden to see the pedi. last Thursday for an ear check (he did NOT have another ear infection)--and I brought up Carson. And when my pedi (whom I love and have had since 1991) said he would like to wait a year before testing Carson--well, I just kept right on describing all the things he does. At Mother's Day Out last year, at home, at school this year, in public, at parties, at relatives houses... until my pedi opened his lap top and began asking ME questions. After 30 minutes of us conversing he said to me: "I have no doubt that he has ADHD...but, with your permission, I would like to get you a referral to a child psychiatrist. He will be able to test, diagnose, write prescriptions and monitor those medications *and* doses VERY closely. Can I do that?" Of course I said yes. I felt a mountain had been lifted off my shoulders already. Just knowing that help was close. But I had also shared my guilt with Dr R--that it was my fault--that my poor mothering skills had pushed my boy to this point. Remember that my feelings of inadequacy and poor self esteem had pushed me into a black hole last year...I am not saying that Carson's inability to control his behavior made me suicidal last year--but the fact that *I* felt so out of control in regards to his behavior made me feel even MORE of a crappy mother (really ALL of their behavior--surely it was all my fault). Dr R said to me "The way he is, is NOT your fault--but when he gets better, then *that* will be your fault. I was ready to wait until next year--but you stood up and refused to take that as an answer--you kept on until I was convinced that waiting was the wrong thing to do. You will have to be his advocate--and you already are! Way to go Mom!" When I shared this info with Carson's teacher that afternoon she was both sad and excited. Just as I am. I have already found a support board to read and bought a book on ADHD. He really does seem to fit the profile of an ADHD kid. I am ready to learn how to help him get this under control!!

On Friday Caden started coughing. Runny nose. By 11PM he was wheezing and grunting. He was miserable. By 2AM Saturday I woke Moonpie--ready to take Caden to the ER. His chest was caving and he was grunting with every breath. We gave him several (3) breathing treatments between 2:15 and 6AM. I had him at the pedis office at 10AM. He has ANOTHER ear infection and was put on an oral steroid for the wheezing/asthma attack. and yet another round of antibiotic for the ear infection. geez. The on-call pedi got a pea sized bit of HARD, BLACK, nasty ear wax out of the same ear that my pedi had gotten 2 ice cream scoops of was out of 2 days before... I brought it home and put it in a baby food jar to show Moonpie--I swear it looks like a bit of dried up dog poo! gross.

Friday was Calie's first pep rally!! and that night was the first game that she performed at--in her Friday Night Dress Uniform--hat, boots and all! They looked great and they did a wonderful job!! Moonpie's brother and his wife came down from Austin to visit and they came to the game too...I am soooo glad they came. The kids were excited to see them! My kids are so blessed to have them as Aunt and Uncle. They always buy the coolest things for them too. Plus they got me a gift card to Barnes & Noble for my birthday! Ye HAW!!!! Plus, I got a hilarious chicken--when you squeeze her body, an egg pops out from her butt! I LOVE IT! hahahaha

Claudia is doing great in school. and at home. She really is growing up--5 going on 19--she is sometimes even more mature that Calie. It really amazes me how much they change--sometimes daily.

Anyhoo. I am exhausted. I am...heck, so tired that I haven't a clue as to how to end this... but I promise to post some pictures soon. After I edit slobber and snot out!

You Know You Are Old When...

9:42Pm Monday August 28th: Omg. I will be 38 tomorrow. That is, like, waaaay tooooo close to 40 for comfort, man.

I am half drunk on vodka and Sunny D. Drunk enough to be happy...but drunk enough to be sad too.

You know when you are OLD!? When no one asks you to dinner and drinks for your Birthday--but your sister calls and asks you to BREAKFAST for your birthday. Geez.
Guess there is nothing to cheer you up after that but a piece of a$$ from your 43 year old husband.

Gotta go before the buzzzzz wears off. Happy Eve Before My Birthday....

Welcome To Bellvue...

I saw a documentary on A&E tonight. About Bellvue. And all the people who are checked in. They check 30 to 60 people into the ER every SINGLE DAY. Depressed suicidals. Bi Polar. Schizos. You name it. It was very interesting. Very. It made me very grateful and also so sad. I know I have my own "crazy" problems, but these poor souls were so sad. So lost. I felt like I was sane in comparison. I mean, I *know* I'm not insane...But I mean my anxiety and depression is nothing compared. And my heart ached for them. They were/are so sad. You can tell they don't want to be "crazy"...They want to be normal. Have normal lives. Live productive lives... And they have been on every medication available...And yet they still can't find that "magic" pill, the one that will set them free. Anyhoo--if you get A&E, you should check it out. Very informative too. Pray for them--or feel free to lay out some carrots for the carrot god if you don't pray.

On to other news. Carson's teacher sent a blue ribbon home on Friday. Seems Carson is always checking on the fish in the room--making sure they are healthy and happy. Gooooooo Carson!! Claudia's teacher held a small lecture on the correct and incorrect ways to show our friends we care. On the "no-no list": No kissing on the playground! I think she got the hint. There was no kissing in Friday--but she says she still has the boyfriend! Calie performed twice last week with the drill team. "Meet the Eagles" night and then a performance for all the teachers in the LISD. Friday is the first "home" game...that means the whole team will be in their Friday Night Dress outfits (that we still haven't paid for--eeek)! I can't wait to take pictures--and I plan on being at the pep rally too to video and take pictures.
Caden just finished his antibiotic--and is still having a runny nose and acting like he feels bad--and digging in his ears. He has a follow up on Aug 31st.

My throat is still hurting. My head still throbbing. Did I tell you it's strep? I took day 3 of my antibiotic today--I expect a miraculous recovery tomorrow. Hope you all are well!

Oh! Moonpie and I are doing good. His has been off Mon-Thursday for the past 2 weeks and will have that schedule next week too. Usually I hate for him to be home that much. But it hasn't been unbearable. We applied for a personal loan to pay off two high interest credit card loans. I can NOT wait to pay them off. Our payments on the personal loan will be about $200 cheaper and we can have it paid off in 2 years--at the rate we were going on the credit cards it would have been about 10 years to get them paid for. Whew.

I have been thinking that next year I may apply to be a PreK Teachers aide. Which at first seems silly--since I can't get MY kids to mind and I have little patience for them--but I really think I can do a good job. I think it will be good practice for me--and I will feel needed and important! Kids *really* like me (toot toot--that's me tooting my own horn). And I am FUN. Really. I am. No...for REAL! haha Anyway, we will see. Just an idea.

Well, it is 8PM and I have to get the kids in bed--trying to stick to the schedule--even on weekends. Hugs to all.

I'm One Sick Pup...

I feel awful. My head hurts something fierce. My throat is scratchy and sore.

School started 3 days ago. Carson is in PreK. Barely. On the second day his teacher met me outside of his classroom and shut the door (uh oh). Seems he can't mind (duh). Plus a bunch of crap...er...stuff. So, Moonpie and I have a conference with his teacher and possibly the counselor and the PRINCIPAL. Today. After school. sigh. I love this child. But he is hard to handle. More on this situation soon.

Claudia is in Kindergarden. Yesterday she told me she had a new boyfriend. No big deal. She has boy and girl friends....right? But then later I heard her tell Mimi on the telephone that she KISSED this boy on the playground!!!! So I warned her teacher this morning. WATCH my kid on the playground before she is expelled for sexual harassment! gee.

Calie is a sophomore. gawd. 2 senior (SENIOR!!!) boys like her. She got her drill team uniform yesterday. She is so freaking hot in it. Like "ooooh mama" hot. I don't think I'll make it this year.

Caden is the only baby home. And he still takes naps!!! yeeehawwwww!!

Next week I'll really start blogging again....I might have more than 30 seconds to myself alllll day!

I turn 38 soon. (next week) I'm getting old.

HIgh On Life (And A Little Vodka Never Hurt)...

I am now, as I sit and write this....drunk. So don't hold it against me. I will now stop correcting y mistaakes.

I went over to a friends house (less than a mile away on black top covered back roads leading to NOWHERE) and the husband offerred nme a vodaka and OJ. I Accepted. It was strong. I left my kids at home with Moonpie. I an feeling NO PAIN. I am feeling like Fun Fun FDun/. I played with Carsin in the floor for ever. He LOVED it. Even *I* found it humurous. I laughed and lauged. I promised Moonpie some acts thqt are better left to the imaginaation. He scoffed. Said I would b e asleep before the acts were carried out. We will see. Oh, we will see. He isn;t aware that I have 6 oz of vodka in my car. hidden away in a Dallas Cowboys baby bottle(not Cadens--someones hope that my friend would have a boy--she didn;t...had a 3rd girl).

Moonpie might feels his age (41), LATER TONIGHT (oops, caps was on) whem his 37 (almost 38)year old wife shows im what she is made of. HAHA that is funny. If you only knew how I am more of a "lay there and make lists. even tho it is GOOD" participant. He is definatley a good partner--but I just have no drive (except in my mind, with, say, Brad Pitt...or some dude that lives with a friewnd of a friend of a friend kinda thing).

So. It is 8:15PM. That is early to be drunk. I have to try and wait out 3 babies and a teenager....

Ok, I might have to admit defeat, but only this once......

Flashback To 1986...

That was the year I graduated from high school. Yep. 20 years ago. Boy, I was so young and dumb. Still dumb. But not so young. Remember that you would argue and break up (and get back together) with your boyfriend over the STUPIDEST things? Well, that hasn't changed either. Moonpie and I were getting along so well and then I went to Galveston with the kids for a week. I had a teeny tiny fender bender while I was there. You know those poles they put around gas pumps to keep you from mowing the pumps down? Well, it is a VERY good idea. Needless to say--Moonpie was very...angry with the state of the truck when we got home. I almost lied and said that someone must have side swiped me in the Wal Mart parking lot--but I decided to tell the truth--look where it got me. Things were VERY tense around here. I was ready to leave. I was/am sick of being treated like I am 14. So I threw a temper tantrum (alot like a 14 year old might throw). Long story short...we are made up--sorta.

Last week Caden was diagnosed with yet another series of double ear infections! And a viral infection called herpangina (sounds like herpes of the 'gina--but it's not). He had blisters on his legs and fingers and even in the mouth and throat. He ran 103* fever. He was miserable. Wouldn't/Couldn't eat. Sleep. Have fun. But he is better now. On day 7 of another round of antibiotic--OH! and his eczema was AWFUL too. Did I tell you that Carson had strep throat again too? And his tonsils are so enlarged that they are talking surgery for him too? Agh. We are in the poor house and two kids need surgery (Caden=tubes)--3 kids need school clothes and the checking account needs funds! Ah well...we are still lucky. We all semi like each other--no collection agency have our number (yet). And all our animals are alive and kicking. And the roof doesn't leak. But that may be on account that it hasn't rained here in months.

School starts on the 22nd here. I can not wait!! Caden got a new haircut--I shaved his head. He looks so much like Carson now it is hilarious. Ok, gotta dash--Caden is screaming. SOunds like a bumped head to me....

Me And Moonpie, Sitting In A Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

OK. We made up. Big Time. Big Talk. Big Action on both our parts. New Promises. New Vows. New Resolutions that we both want to work on.

He has really worked hard to be more positive and to be more complementary. To help out more. To work on his abrasive (not abusive) discipline. I have worked really hard to try and put myself first and be positive too. His biggest complaint was that I always seemed ran down and depressed LOOKING. Like I didn't care about myself. So, I started REALLY working out at the gym. 4 times (in a row) last week! I've been conscious of my appearance. I knew Moonpie was right when one day, I got dressed before noon and put make-up on and Carson said "You look real pretty Momma. Where are you going?" And I wasn't "going" anywhere. I like working out. I didn't think I would, since I HATE to sweat. But it is nice to have that time to myself. I plug my headset into the treadmill and I can watch an entire show on A&E without being interrupted! I can walk up steep hills and watch MTV! My heart beats hard and fast. I sweat. I have even lifted a few weights and can already "feel" a difference in my arms. My kids even like the nursery there. And I am taking them swimming in the "big" indoor pool later this evening.

I started donating plasma again this week. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I felt SO good afterwards. My doctor released me this week. I will have to see him just once more, in a month. I still have swelling and minor pain (more like discomfort) when sitting, wearing anything other that work out pants. He said. "It'll take time. That was a big tumor for such a small space." So, I guess I still need patience when it comes to my hoo-ha getting back in racing condition! tee hee...Although Moonpie did take it for a test drive...slow and steady wins the race! My doctor said "I think once the swelling goes away, you will really be pleased with the cosmetic appearance!" Uh....? Is that his way of saying "Boy! Was it UGLY before...But I gave you a face lift down there and it will be "Hustler" ready in no time!"??

Josh and Tara (my bro/cousin and his wife) had their baby boy on July 3rd at 11:35PM. Travis Lowell A. 7# and 12 oz. Mom has a 4th degree tear--O-U-C-H. Her labor was VERY long. There was meconium, decels and the cord around his neck times TWO. He came out so fast (once he decided to get the show on the road) that he literally SHOT thru the cord that was wrapped around his neck! He just shot thru the loops! He has a head full of dark hair. I can't wait to hold him and see Brother with him! He sounds like the Proudest Papa. We (the kids and I) are going to the beach next week. So we will get plenty of pictures and get lots of baby boy lovin'.

I am feeling good, healthy and whole. I love my husband and I want to have a GOOD anniversary in October. All appears right with the world (right now). OK, gotta go, the kids are ready to hit the pool!!

Hugs all around for all the comments and I even "heard" some of you--even tho you said (or typed) not a word. Love you, my "sister friends".

A Setback...

I had a very bad day yesterday. My patience was short. My temper was a very noticeable size. I had a headache and the kids weren't in the frame of mind to...Well, MIND.

Moonpie and I had a big fight. About discipline. In front of the kids. He was too rough with Carson (my boy who is AFRAID of being thrown into the air or swung around by his legs) and so, Carson FREAKED out. Then Moonpie (more like an A$$pie right now), was verbally mean to him. Calling him a sissy and telling him to stop crying and acting like a little girl. So, that got me angry. Then Moonpie was about to swing Claudia around by her legs and Caden was all excited and toddled over and grabbed Claudia's hair, which was beautifully hanging down...And Moonpie just leaned over and slapped him on the upper arm, like 4 times. Hard. No verbal warning or anything. I went ballistic. He's a BABY. I know it hurt Claudia and all, but did he have to slap--his--arm??!! Wouldn't a loud NO and swat on the diapered bottom have worked? Caden screamed and RAN to Calie, the next closest person to him.

I snatched him up and asked Moonpie to "...NOT ABUSE THE KIDS PLEASE!!" But I really didn't ask him. So. He was to rough and tough. And I over reacted. No. Really I did. You mean you didn't hear me scream at him? In front of the kids. It really upset Calie. I was really upset, too. As usual it was all turned around and it was all my fault for "freaking out". So, I give up.

I can't do ANYTHING right. I give up. Whatever he says. I'll be the maid. The nanny. The cook. Whatever. I hid back 9 Vicodin. I will need them to stay cool. To keep calm and never raise my voice. To listen to his lecturing and controlling ass. To...Mind. It is either that or go insane again.

Today, he said I should take the kids to eat lunch and "do something with them". So we got dressed and I (he is at work...He is ALWAYS either at work or working out) took them. Then it started to rain so I took them to an indoor playground type thing. A man came up to me and pointed to Carson. "Is he yours?" "Umm, yes" "Well, my son made a big domino set-up and *he* (pointing to Carson) knocked it all over." I replied: "Oh well. That's a 4 year old for you." And I walked away. Ass. I should have said "Well sir, I will beat him when we get home. Will that make up for it?"

The house is clean and spaghetti is made. I will serve him dinner then clean up. I will bathe his children. Fold his clothes and turn down his bed. Then I will tuck his kids into bed and try to sleep. Or plan the day I run away.

I hope tomorrow I wake in a better state of mind. Or mood. Right now I feel down and out. Tired. Beaten down. Lost. Like a loser.

Please don't comment. Your good comments will make me feels bad. Your bad comments will make me hate you. This wasn't posted for sympathy/empathy or advice/assvice. Or a tongue lashing. It was posted as an outlet. I feel better just "saying" it.

PS: Labs came back on my vah jay-jay. It's all clear. No cancer. All lipoma. (yay)

For Your Eyes Only...

No, no, no. Not a picture. A few links to check out while my hind quarters is out of commission--can't sit well.

(*singing*) Here are a few of my favorite things:

http://www.myfuckingeye.com/ ("E"!!!! and her own Ken Doll--and a Texan at heart)

http://ebonymommy.com/blog/ ("Y" is a hip and happening hot momma--a brown Martha Stewart even--she is so crafty and my Hero because she just lost 30 pounds)

http://www.dooce.com/ (Heather--this is who I wanna BE when I grow up)


I read a few others too--Candy B's, Kimmy's--and I will read Sam's. I read Tertia's alot...here I'll post hers too: http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/ (She is in South Africa)

Check them all out--while I apply more ice and take a big ole pain pill...

*Whine, Whine, Whine, Whine...*

It hurts. Even after taking 3 small (375mg) Hydrocodone. After an ice pack for 8 hours straight. After laying on the couch, panty-less.

It is all black and blue too. Mainly blue with twinges of black. With white stitches poking out. And swollen. Hugely. I almost wish I could take a picture and post it on here and show you. You wouldn't believe it. It doesn't even LOOK like a hoo-ha SHOULD look. It is deformed. And it hurts.

I have pain sitting. Right now I am standing, bent over the keyboard with my naked ass pointed towards the fan. I can't wear anything but LOOSE pants--I've been wearing scrub bottoms or soft cotton work out capris--but the no panty rule sucks.

I won't see Dr Gynocological Oncologist/Surgeon/Twat Destroyer for 3 weeks. His nurse called me yesterday to check on my pain. And my poor, destroyed, maimed hoo-ha. I told her that the 30 pills they gave me would not make it long. She said they would refill me when I ran out--they BETTER!

She told me I could "resume my regular duties" BUT I can't: pick up anything over 10# for 2 weeks, shower--until I see the doctor, do alot of bending or stooping, vacuum or do "vigorous" housework OR have sex for 6 weeks (umm, yeah. like that is happening anytime soon. Soooo glad she told me this--I was thinking of trying all those funky positions in Cosmo on Saturday...)

One bright bit of sunshine: I got a letter from VIC!!!!! When I get lucid and have something to talk about besides my...ya know...purple/black caterpillar between my legs I'm gonna write her back (sending you hugs...Part of your letter made me sad--but I have soooo been there). Another happy bit: My 2 friends, who live here in this one horse town came over yesterday. One cooked home made chicken pot pie and a strawberry/cream cheese pizza! I just laid on the couch and held her 2 month old. My other friend sat and visited and played prison guard over Carson and Erins 2 girls--OH! and Claudia came over and visited us--She has been at my Grandmothers since Monday night.

Now I need to go lay down. Put more ice on it. Watch The Today Show. Sigh. Later...

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat...Where Have You Been?...

I've been in a fight with the Heavy Weight Champion of the World. Well, that's how it feels. It is 6AM. I woke at 4AM with a throbbing in my loins...Not the good throbbing either. And my throat hurts. And my face is raw. Here's how it went down yesterday:

We got to Dallas about 10AM. Got my vitals checked. Blood work (again). Then sat in the waiting room for 90 min. Then I was called back. Put in a curtained off area and told to get into the lovely evening ensemble that opens in the back. I told my anesthesiologist to tell whoever does the shaving to hook me up with the "all or nothing" hairdo. She told me that they would intubate me later I was "out"--so my throat might hurt when I woke up (wth?). Got my happy shot and was happy. I remember rolling into surgery and thinking "it is BRIGHT in here" and I remember hopping from one gurney to the next (sorta). I remember hearing/seeing the anesthesiologist and my doc bumping heads as they leaned over me to make sure I was centered on the bed--and I remember thinking "What is this?? The 2 Stooges??" (hope I didn't say that outloud).

Next thing I remember is waking. Being in pain. Erica (a lovely Post Op Nurse) hooked me up with Demerol. Apparently alot of it. But it didn't take care of my pain really. But caused my face to feel as if 1,000,000,000 bugs were crawling under the skin. So I scratched. I rubbed. So I got another shot of something. And MORE Demerol. And more anti itch stuff. I was told I had been in Post Op for 3 hours. Moonpie came in and told me that the tumor was bigger than we all thought. It was the size of a lemon. Not a HUGE lemon but a lemon. So the surgery was more involved. The nasty lemon left me with a hole or indention where my left major labia was. So they had to stretch other muscle and tissue over to that area to help fill in the gap.

The *huge* dude in the bed next to me woke up fighting and they all had to get a bit mean with him to get him to WAKE UP, ROBERT! It was sorta funny to see him swinging his massive arms and everyone ducking and talking to him like he was 3. "Robert! The surgery is finished! You are in Recovery!! Wake UP! Stop fighting us! Stop it!" He just growled like a bear and kept swinging. But after he woke up he was cool. Until he asked me if I had had hip or knee replacement (he got a new hip). I just told him neither...That I had a tumor removed (but not from where). That pretty much shut him up.

My head, face, ears were itching soooooo bad. We left there at 7PM with vicodin. Ice packs. Funky pads to catch all the leaking blood. Advice to squirt myself off with hydrogen peroxide ALOT and to use the blow dryer to dry myself. Go bottomless and keep the ice on for 24 hrs. By now it had been 24 hours since I had last eaten. I got a salad from McD and ate 1/3 before laying down in the back of the car (had the presence of mind to pack a pillow and blanket earlier). Slept all the way home.

When I got home I went to the bathroom with my peri bottle, peroxide and a hand mirror. OMG. It looks sooooooooo ugly. So scary. So....Deformed (and bald). Really. It looks BAD. Like...I dunno, just really "f"d up.

I slept on the couch. Calie slept on the love seat in case I needed her in the night. Moonpie slept with Carson in our bed. Caden slept in the pack N play in the living room. When I woke up my nose felt raw and sunburned (from all the skin I rubbed off). My throat is sooooo sore. My hoo-ha hurts. BAD. Throbbing. PAIN.

Now I'm gonna go put more ice on it and watch the news. Maybe call Moonpie at work. Maybe not.

(This message brought to you by the lovely phrases: "lemon sized", "Pain. BAD." and by the beautiful haze know as "vicodin".)

I'm Scheduled...

I'm having it out on Wednesday. Today is Sunday. So...tomorrow my
sister is taking me to shop. She has a big ole $100 gift card to spend at Bath & BodyWorks...so I'm gonna help her pick out goodies (maybe a few for ME!)! We are going sans kids. Well except for her smallest. He will be in the third grade (slap me if I'm wrong, Little Sister) but acts like he is 40ish. I'm not kidding. He is very quiet. Reserved. He certainly makes up for her first one (although he is a GREAT kid too--just the opposite of his little bro).

Tuesday I am being chauffeured to Dallas by a friend. I hate driving in Dallas traffic. Plus she is from there--so she knows her way around. I have "pre OP" there. Which means we are driving about 3 hours to have my blood pressure taken and fill out 40 reams of paperwork. I'm sure that will totally piss me off. I just don;t understand why, why, WHY they can't just have me come in 2 hours early on surgery day and do it all then...

The very next day, Moonpie and I will drive right back up there for the snip-snip, sew-sew. So, at 1PM on Wednesday, while some of you are eating lunch, others are watching Days Of Our Lives (and you should be ashamed of yourselves, really!), I will be sucking gas and laying naked, white and fat on a table with several men looking at my stretch marks and funky hairline under a spotlight. Good times, people!

What I really started thinking about was...what will I wear post surgery?? Will my "drawers" irritate my site? Will I have to wear tent dress things for a few days? Will I have to have the stiches OUT or will they just fall out on their own? I really do not relish going back in (without gas) and having someone pull cat gut out of my...umm...l-l-l-l-l...sorry, can't say it. Will they shave a little strip? or the whole left side? Or the whole enchilada...or "taco"? How many times will Caden put his foot in my crotch? How many times will Carson elbow me there? How many times will Claudia ask to see my "'gina...Where they took out the knot" ?? Will sitting be a problem? Wouldn't bother me--sounds like a good reason for lounging on the couch for a few days in the prone position.

So. hmmmm. Think I'll just leave it there. End this one like this. Mainly because it is 9:20PM and Claudia wants to know it it's "sleepover night". (I usually let them have a night per week that we all sleep in the living room--them on pallets and me on the couch...they LOVE it. We watch TV until we fall asleep and sometimes--but not tonight--have popcorn) So I have to go get Moonpie out of the living room so we can snuggle down. Night all...

Pack Your Bags, Tumor...You Are Outta Here...

Saw the Oncologist today. He was Very, Very nice. Wasn't as good looking as I like my breast and hoo-ha fondlers to be--but he made up for it in personality. I got a full exam (yippee...not)...But not the finger in the "exit only" entrance, if ya know what I mean...So THAT was a plus.

We decided to have surgery to remove it. Because it is still growing. Because it hurts upon "intercourse" (gag. I hate that word). And because I want the fat outta there and sent to a lab to make *sure* it isn't cancer. I hate "it doesn't *look* like cancer...But we aren't *sure*". He said it would probably be day surgery and that I may (may. That sounds like when my kids ask for ice cream and I say "MAYbe"--means I don't think that is what will happen but I'm saying that so you will shut up for 5 minutes) get to go home that same day! And he showed me with his fingers how long the incision would be...gasp. About 2" long!! On my left labia (gag on that word too). Doesn't that sound like it will hurt? Did you cringe? I did.

He talked to me about my depression. Seems he has a background in that too. He studied psychology extensively. He even made me cry. We were talking about it and all of a sudden I was teary eyed and all choked up. Then he hugged me. Goodness--don't you know? You should never hug someone who does NOT want to cry?? Because then they HAVE to cry. But he was nice. I like him. I trust my hoo-ha to him. He told me the cutest story. He said his daughter is 12 now. But when she was about 6, he came home from work and she ran to him--like kids do--all excited. He crouched down and put his hands on her face--cupping her cheeks, to give her a kiss. She pushed him away and said "Yuck. You have been fiddlin' with "twawnies" all day." I laughed!! While he was fiddlin' with *MY* "twawnie". Outrageous. Usually I have to lay in total concentration on keeping my legs from slamming shut and I have to chant (in my head) "I am not here. I am somewhere else. I am not here. I am somewhere else..."

Soooo...When he gets back to his office (remember? He only comes to our one horse town once per month)...He will have "Tammy" call me and schedule the surgery. I'll let ya know what day it is...so you can all pray, light a candle or shred some carrots for the Carrot god. Iffen ya wanna. I want you to wanna.

PS: "E"...I can't get a comment to go on your blog. And FYI--the back of my neck is peeling--looks awful. But the back of my legs look sooooo tan. Hope you enjoyed Mexico. And I have another friend who claims to be the whitest Hispanic--she has dark hair and eyes--but the creamiest skin...It is sorta funny.

What A Memorable Day...

One of my new friends had a small gathering at her house yesterday afternoon for Memorial Day. There was "C"--her very handsome husband,and their 2 girls. Then there was "E" (no, not THAT "E"), her husband and their 3 girls. Me and Moonpie and our 3 wee ones (Calie was at a friends house). And a couple from down the road--no kids, yet.

There were 8 kids--all 5 and under. There was a fun swimming pool--perfect for the kids. But Carson couldn't play in the pool. He and I were sunburned from Friday's Garage Sale (I made $200). But he more than made up for the fact he couldn't swim. He pulled his pants down 3 times--peed in their garage. Stuck his finger in the cupcakes before dinner. Was an all around pill. But sooooo cute. I can't help but have a special place in my heart that busts out laughing everytime he pulls one of his "stunts". He is such a BOY sometimes. And such a GIRLY BOY other times. His favorite thing to say is "Ima Cow WARD" or "Ima fraid E cat". And sometimes he runs around the house chanting "Ima REAL boy. Ima REAL boy". Or he talks robotically and says "Destroy Buzz Lightyear. Destroy Buzz Lightyear..."

She served a fabulous brisket. ((I just reread my post--boy, I really skip around alot, don't I?)) Cheesy Potatoes. Pinto Beans. Rolls. A wonderful salad. And a chocolate dessert thingy. And cupcakes. I had a big ole Dr Pepper and vodka. And a some of the salad. We played baseball (sorta) in the backyard. Pushed the kids on the swings. Watched them swim and watched Caden toddle around. We left and 9PM. I had to bathe the kids when we got home, then I popped them a movie on and went to bed. Caden slept GOOD last night.

OH! And I called Poppy, he's at home now--being seen by Home Health Care a few times per week and he TELLS me he is taking his meds--but he has been known to tell me little white fibs so I don't worry. I told him "Happy Memorial Day" and he said "Well thanks, baby girl...But I'm not dead yet. Only 3/4 dead." I told him that I was thinking of ALL the men who had fought and lived AND died that day in all the wars. Because they all died a little--don't you think? He sounded in good spirits.

I also got an email from a girl that was in the hospital with me when I was suicidal and major depressed. She sounded so good. And she is expecting. I am so happy for her. I thought about her alot yesterday. I hope she is taking her meds too ("R", if you are reading...Take care of yourself, OK?).

I hope you all had a nice long weekend and got to spend time with family and friends--and I hope you had FUN--I did.

Poison Control...How May I Help You?...

Oh My Goodness. I have never been so scared in all my life. Well, I'm pretty sure I was scared alot when Claudia grabbed a whole can of pepper juice off the counter and poured it in her face and had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance--and I was scared when Calie had eye surgery when she was 5. Oh! And I nearly peed my pants when Carson had stiches and I had to do that all by myself (Moonpie was at work--but couldn't come down to the ER). But this takes the cake.

I was in the living room the other afternoon and I heard Moonpie say "Oh my God. WHO LEFT THE CABINET WITH THE CLEANING SUPPLIES OPEN!!!?" ummm...I think it was me. "Caden just got the cap off the furniture stuff and had the bottle turned upside down! THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE TO LOCK THIS CABINET!!"

I rushed into the kitchen and took the bottle away from Moonpie. 'May be harmful or fatal if swallowed' OMG. He's gonna die and it will be my fault. I asked Moonpie if he thought Caden had drank any. "Well. I'm sure he did, he had the bottle in his mouth and had it turned up as high as he could." He then tried to lecture me on the dangers of leaving the cabinet unlocked and just HOW did he get that lid off?!? I kept saying "harmful or FATAL if swallowed". Then I screamed at Moonpie that he was NOT helping by lecturing me. Then I cried. He told Calie to go with me and take Caden to the emergency clinic close by. He would stay with the other kids.

I got in the car and started down the road. Imagining they would put charcoal down his throat and then pump his tummy. And it was allllll my fault. Then I thought: "I'm gonna call his pediatrician." They advised me to call the poison control hot line. NOW. They gave me the number. I pulled over and called them.

The nicest man on Earth answered. I explained what happened. And he told me in a calm voice (while typing so fast on his keyboard) that it is only harmful or fatal if he throws up and aspirates it into his lungs. So, I took him back home. We kept him calm and not overfed. We watched him for 6 hours. They called me twice to check on him. I now have that number on my cell phone. I hope I never use that number again--but I know if I do they can help me.

So, go lock up all your cleaning stuff. Make sure the child proof caps are on TIGHT. And put that number on your fridge and in your cell phone address book--and I'll hope you never have to dial it.

PS: This was really scary and caused me to be overly anxious and I couldn't sleep that night--even after I took my gooood anti anxious stuff. And when I did sleep I dreamed the most awful dreams that should never be repeated out loud.

A Little Off The Top, Please...

I cut Caden's hair. His first "real" haircut. Moonpie trimmed around his ears and the nape of his neck a few months ago. He said he was looking girly. He even trimmed the front and gave him bangs. But I CUT his hair. With trimmers. I used the biggest guard. But it still is short. I cut off all his brown hair. Now he is totally blonde. All of my kids were born with dark hair. Carson's and Calie's were darkest. Almost black. And both of those two had the most hair. They looked like Mexican babies. Heads FULL of beautiful dark hair. Then it grows out...the hair never really falls out...It just starts growing blonde. So, they have dark ends and blonde roots. I did the same as a baby. I used to think that the dark haired baby in all the photos must have died--and they stole me away from my beautiful loving family to take the place of their black haired baby.

Caden went from looking like a little baby to looking like a little boy. He looks adorable. I wanna eat him. I wanna nibble his cheeks off and rub my hands on his head. Amazing how a haircut can change the way they look so much. He looks SO much like Carson now. Almost like twins (but 3 years apart). I can't get over it.

I swept up all the hair from the floor and put it in a baggie. It was ALOT of hair. Now I can put it in his baby book so years from now, I can dip my fingers in there and touch his baby hair--and I can sniff it and get a hint of Johnsons&Johnsons...or I can do it tomorrow!!

He is getting so big. And smart! Last night he walked over to where my sandals were, sat down and then lifted his foot high in the air and tried to put my shoe on his foot! We laughed so hard. And earlier today, Calie and I caught him clapping his hands and then "roll it up, roll it up..", we started singing the song and he laughed his head off. Could someone call Father Time and tell him to stop the clock--or slow it down some? It is going too fast.

The Picture's Say It All...

Caden's Birthday...

What's On My Head?



Now What's On My HANDS??!!



My Eye! My Eye! Oh Gawd....MY EYE!!

If You Give A Man A Chainsaw...

He will cut stuff up.

My sister. Bless her heart. She came home yesterday around 3:15PM to find that the HUGE oak tree that shaded her boys "fort", no longer did so. Her mighty oak was missing more than a few limbs. And the evidence was strewn all over her driveway and yard. She found a note from the local electric or phone idiots (forget which group was responsible) saying "We'll be back on Monday to finish the job". She is, to put it mildly, PISSED. She tells me that limbs that were not interfering with any "lines" were cut off. That her gate (you have to open her gate to get on her property) wasn't latched and that one of her dogs was roaming the neighborhood. They threw a nasty cigarette package on the ground, too. She is not happy. She has hinted that she will be there on Monday with a firearm, barring access to her property. If I was them...I'd be scared. I hope she doesn't get arrested. I am short on bail money this month.

She may be short. She may look meek and mild (actually she doesn't). But she carries a huge can of Texas-sized "Whoop Ass"--and she WILL open it up on ya. If I was brave I'd hide in her house and catch it all on tape. But I'm afraid. Very afraid.

And You Wonder Why I Am "Crazy" (aka Insane)...

The past 17-18 days, Cliff Notes Version:

On the 30th Claudia was dx with an ear infection, a few days later Carson was too--along with strep. He puked (that word really describes it well too) on me twice. On himself twice. Pooped his pants once. On the floor 1/2 a time. Got a shot once (but stabbed twice). 3 copays at $20 each= $60 that was probably owed to the electric company.


All 3 on antibiotics (but different ones). One "pink kind" @ 2 tsp, 3 times per day. One white kind @ 1 tsp (or 5.5 ml) 2 times per day. This one needed a straight jacket and 30 minutes of bribery. EACH time. Another white kind. Can't remember the dosage--but we finished it I promise. $10 + $10 + $10 = $30 that was probably owed to the lunch ladies for Claudia's seriously over drawn account.

BOTH pregnate cats (Greycee and Maycee) gave birth one the same day... in the same place...we now own 7 kittens, 3 cats, 4 dogs, 1 horse, and a partridge in a pear tree. The animals food costs more than ours now. PS: The Mama cats are tag teaming it. We have no idea who's babies are who's...they have no idea either. A mama is nursing 24/7. OUTSIDE, in the barn.

Calie met a 17 year old boy. That she likes. He is bad. He has done (prob still does) drugs. Has had sex. Hasn't graduated high school (cause he isn't GOING). Lost his driver's license--I mean it was TAKEN from him for too many speeding tickets. And he callllled her!! wth!? But he lives in another town (she met him at her best friends house). So, there will be no "dating" this dude. Ever. Ever.

Had my MRI. The tumor "appears to be a 'lipoma'--" Which is fancy talk for a fatty tumor--a glob of chicken fat. But I'm seeing the oncologist anyways--since the MRI can't say "malignant". AND they found an ovarian cyst measuring 2.7 X 3.something on the opposite side of my body. Did I tell them to look for other things? No. I've had cysts before. 3 that I know of. ALL 3 sent me to the ER (once while pregnate with Claudia)--when they busted open and spilled their VENOM inside my body. So, of course my GYN wants me to wait until June 7th to "see if it has shrunk" Ha. yeah, right.

My Mother In Law (whom I ADORE), gave me kitchen towels for Mother's Day. And she bought a necklace (I am sooooooo not a jewelry person that I won't even be able to describe it other than): It is gold. Has a mom and baby on it. and either diamond are good look a likes. She gave it to Cliff to give to me "from the kids". Is it really ungrateful to say that I really wanted a new digital camera? OH YEAH!!! Cliff broke my camera--so now I am using a throw away instead of my Olympus Camedia. (sniff)

I started donating plasma for $50 per week. Plus, it makes me feel good about myself.

Took Caden back to the doctor. He has another (or still) ear infection in one ear--AND they gave him a breathing treatment, on account he has been coughing and wheezing..for days. Seems it helped ALOT. So we now own a machine. And I get to hold him and blow smoke up his mouth/nose 4-5 times per day, while he screams bloody murder. So now he's on the "z" antibiotic--which doesn't come in generic. $35 copay for the machine. $50 in antibiotics and liquid smoke. $20 copay at the docs = $105, all in one day...no food included.

Registered Carson for Pre-K next year (a thing both longed for and dreamed of).

and the best thing that has happened in the last 17-18 days?? I drank a sangria margarita! And was nearly drunk for 45 minutes. Ahhh, bliss.

Can't wait to see what is going to happen next!!!!

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Wanna...

Friday, Caden turned one year old! Can you believe it? I can't. And he is walking further. He walks like a drunk monkey.

He hated (mostly) his party. He has had a runny nose and hadn't slept good in a few days. He was Mr. Fussy. When we gave him his own cake he had to be forced to touch it. Then, after he got icing on his hands it went all down hill. He hated the icing on his hands. Then he rubbed his face--getting icing all over it and IN his eye.

There was quite a few people here. Luckily it didn't rain. Moonpie grilled 16 hotdogs and 30 hamburgers--and all but 1 wiener and 2 patties were eaten. Kids seemed to have a good time. I think Moonpie let a few kids ride on the horse. And they loved running and playing in the backyard. All smokers stayed on the back deck. Caden got clothes, The Baby Leap Pad, Mega block, The Leap Pad caterpillar, bath tub toys, A Talking Dog, A T-Ball toy, and a few others (can't remember them all right now).

The next day (Saturday) I took him to the doctors...His runny nose, sleep deprivation for us both...I was thinking ear infection (AGAIN!!!). Turns out I was right. Both ears (again!!). I'm calling his pedi tomorrow--I took him to the clinic here in our bitty town...pedi is in bigger town 45 min away. Thought I'd save us a few $$ in gas money by going here. I am so sick of him having these ear infections. He's had about ear infections in 5 out of the last seven months.

So, today he is still Fussy. No fever. He is sleeping better. But I'm not. Thursday I took Claudia in to the docs...ear infection for her also. And TODAY I took Carson in. He has an ear infection AND strep throat. I am so tired. Everyone is fussy. Even me. 3 kids are on antibiotics.

OH, I went to see my GYN Thursday also. To have a check up on the ole HooHa. The tumor thing. Seems it has grown to almost 7 cm. OMG. He wants me to go to Dallas to a specialist. Some sorta GYN/Oncologist. But I am having an MRI here first. The MRI is on Wednesday. Please pray or burn incense or lay out carrots or whatever you religion requires. Lets hope this is just an obese left side of my HooHa (I'm not just a fat ass--but a fat HooHa as well)--and not CANccccccccER. And if you have chemo, does it make ALL (as in ALL) of your "hair" fall out? Like on your head, arms, legs and your, ummm....you know...AND your HooHa? That would be sooooo weird.

OK. Lets hope everyone takes all their meds. I had to take Carson back to Direct Care to get a shot--he has refused to take his antibiotic all day. Is still running 102* fever...and is so lethargic and quiet that I'm wishing he would be back to his ole ADHD self. (What am I thinking???)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg!!!!

Bye Bye, Bipolar...

I hate bipolar. I do. It is a sucky thing to have and to witness. My Poppy (my Uncle who raised me--and I consider him my Daddy) is bipolar. He is a disabled vet of Vietnam. Paralyzed from mid chest down. Lost both legs in the last 5 years due to poor circulation. Has gone off the deep end on several occasions.

And now again he is off in his own world. He isn't the best about taking his meds. Or rather he will be good for a while--maybe a year--then go off them. Drink. Stay up for days. Not eat or take care of himself. Then he gets bad pressure sores that get MAJORALLY infected.

And his mind. wow. On Saturday he went "shopping". Have you ever seen a bipolar go shopping?? When they are on a high!? It's bad. He just bought $1500 worth of guns. THAT is scary. Later today me, my brother (who Poppy is close to) and Mimi ( his wife and my Aunt/Mother) are going to do an intervention of sorts. We have to convince him to go to Houston to the VA Hospital. He is convinced that The Houston VA is out to "get him"--so it will be hard. But he HAS to go. His butt is infected. He is trying to get my Aunt to cash a $30,000 cd for him. So he can go buy what? Guns for everyone he knows? A car? A sailboat (he has bought these things in the past!)?

Think of me...I have a love as deep as the ocean for this man. And today he will be mean to me and I to him. He will say hateful things to me. And crazy things. And I will say ANYTHING to get him help. My Daddy is sick. And I just want him well. And alive.

I wish I could kick Bipolar in the ASS! I hate it.

99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall...

99. That's alot right? That's on up there on the ole numerical scale. That's how many posts or entries I have on the blog now. I am amazed. To think I actually have spent 99 times in front of the computer trying to put my minds ramblings and scatterbrained-ness into words. I feel almost proud of myself. Or in awe anyway!

I have no real hobbies. Unless sleeping and eating are hobbies. Once upon a time I liked to cross-stitch. But I never really finished that project (my sister did, years later). I once liked to read novels alot. And I read faaaaast. Like a book a day. But now I can only read magazine articles--short ones, like in People. Now *this* is my hobby. My time to unwind. And yet, even that is interrupted with dirty diapers and bumped heads and a husband calling "What are you doing on the computer?!" or the dryer going off. Or the timer on the oven filled with chicken nuggets and french fries.

So, really these few (99!!) posts are about all I have--all that are MINE. Each one should have taken brief minutes to do--but I can promise you that every one was halted or delayed numerous times each. Including this one.

But it's MINE. All mine.

Go Fish!...

Moonpie took me and the boys to a park the other day...They have piers for fishing, parks for swinging, cabins--for camping. Carson had a great time. We all did. Maybe we will even camp there this Summer...Maybe.



You should have seen the one that got away!!

*dancing*--Like Snoopy...

I am so happy, proud and joyful right now (this minute). The past two weeks have been full. Full of stress. Full of hard work. Full of...Well, stuff. But I am happy right now.

Calie has been working really hard. She had decided to try out for drill team! This child of mine hates physical activity. She is a COUCH/bed potato. She has never even taken ONE dance class in her life. She is long, lanky (88#) and a little on the clumsy side (after me). She is NOT limber. At all. She couldn't even stand up, bend over and touch her toes without being in pain. But she went to the clinic. She video-ed the routine. She practiced. She stretched. She breathed, ate and slept this routine. She can *almost* do the splits now. She worked so hard. I am SICK of hearing Wynona (sp?) Judd sing "Hunka Burning Love". Ugh.

Friday afternoon were tryouts. 57 girls were trying out for a spot on the drill team. 21 of those were on the team last year. I wanted it so bad for her...I had the WORST headache. My eye had been twitching for 2 days (still is) because I was SO stressed/nervous for her. After her group of four went into the gym (parents were not allowed in to watch the tryouts)--she came out with a shaky smile. She said she did "ok" but that she messed up a little at the end. Her Daddy was the only Father who came to tryouts. I was so proud that he did--He took the kids home while we all waited for results--but it was nice that he came and stayed until after she performed.... After everyone had tried out, they had "call backs"--some had been marked a "maybe" and the judges wanted to see them one more time before making a decision. Calie was called back. She was upset because that meant they didn't say "yes" after her first attempt. But I told her it was just a second chance to fix everything that she thought she had messed up on. To smile bigger. She point her toes more. To kick higher. To show them how hard she had worked and how bad she wanted this... After her call back she felt better--but still very nervous. When they handed out the letters (some said "Congrats"...Some said "please try again next year") Calie and her friend (who was on the team last year--who really helped Calie practice) decided to open their letters together outside. Some girls opened their letters right away. It was sad to see the faces of those who didn't make it--you could tell right away--their chins quivered, their hands shook, their eyes filled with tears. My heart ached for them and my stomach churned--please, please, please let Calie get a good letter...

M. And Calie opened their letters together. They cried together. They screamed together. They jumped up and down together!!! *I* cried. Girls who didn't even know Calie ran over and hugged her. There was one group of girls hugging, laughing and jumping around screaming. And another a few yards away--hugging, crying and so very sad.

I am so proud of Calie. Of her hard work. Her determination. She really did deserve it. Cliff and I are so proud. This is what she needs. A group that she can "belong" to. She will feel special. Her confidence will increase. Her "friends" will increase (she was always a "one friend at a time" person). She will have the social life she always wanted. It feels like a dream. To her and to us. We are sore from smiling so much. She goes to camp in June to Louisiana. She can't wait!

Congrats Calie! We love you and are SO proud of you. My little dancer girl!

(Now I need to get a part time job to pay for this--it is EXPENSIVE to be on the drill team...But even if I have to pick up cans on the side of the road...My girl is gonna DANCE!!!!)

The Past Few Days Were Yucky...

It has been rainy. Claudia has had notes sent home from school the past 2 days. She has punched two "friends" (maybe not friends anymore) in the stomach, threw a hissy fit over her cup color at snack, bumped into people in lunch line (and NOT accidentally) and was mad that she didn't get to go to art's and craft's table FIRST--so she removed someone's name from the board and put her own name there--her way of trying to *steal* their spot. So, she and I can't go on the class field trip Friday. Because I told her after bad day #1 that if she had another bad day this week, we weren't going--and she had a bad day the very next day. I have to stick to what I said, right?!

Yesterday the kids and I had friends over for dinner...And one of the little girls was using the bathroom-and instead of Carson telling me *he* had to use the bathroom--he just pulled down his pants in the dining room and peed in that girls chocolate milk!!!!

Calie had her first "clinic" for drill team trots. She is frustrated and overwhelmed. They went so fasssst. She feels like she has ZERO chance. But she does, she just needs to get with a few of the other girls and between them they will be able to remember the entire dance...Then they need to practice their asses off. Moonpie took her out to eat tonight--and they aren't back yet-- it is NINE FREAKING THIRTY. They left at 4:00PM. I know they went shopping 'cause he called me and asked Claudia's size...But this is ridiculous. I am pissed. It is a school night. And I had to eat fish sticks with the brats--umm, kids.

And bathe the beasts. I ran their water and then went to put their clothes in the laundry room--when I got back they had poured an entire bottle of DOG FLEA AND TICK shampoo in the tub. Aghhhhhhh!

I am feeling lost. Sorta depressed. The kids aren't minding me. I feel like I am yelling too much and spanking to often. I hate this. I hate how I feel right now. Like an awful person/Mother/Wife.

Gotta go...Heard a key in the door.

While Is Is NOT Cancer, It IS:...

Some sorta freaky tumor. And this is how I found out...

My sista came over and decided to go with me and the boys...They would wait in the truck while I went in. I was glad--gave me someone to talk to on the way! I got there and was weighed. His nurse is hilarious. I told her that she needed to warn Dr L that I had NOT shaved my legs AND I wasn't wearing make-up. I figured that since I had the baby and wasn't seeing him as often, that we weren't "dating" anymore and I didn't need to impress him. She then asked my about my "lump". 'Do ya think it might be an ingrown hair?' I told her no, it is UNDER the skin. Not on top. She smiles and says 'Ahhhh, you are going to be my *interesting case* today!' I exclaimed 'Yippeee! Now you will have something to discuss over lunch!' My sarcasm laced humor was lost on her. BUT she did say, after I shared my fear re "CANCER", 'Nah, it's not cancer, don't worry'. Whew! She then tells me to get undressed from the waist down and cover with the lovely paper sheet. They REALLY need to work on their foreplay!

Dr L. comes in and I have to tell him about the jello. The jelly. The Lump. The knot. HE snaps on gloves and feels me up for a good, silent five minutes. The nurse came back in during that and is watching, waiting...so engrossed and entertained. I look at the ceiling and try to convince my thighs that they "CAN" stay open and relaxed, even as they are screaming to snap shut like a screen door.

*THEN* he asks for the sonogram machine! What!? Why!? To get a "closer" look. I ask you how much closer does he have to get? His face is inches away from galaxies that have never been seen before--and he has prodded me with every finger he has. So he puts jelly on the wand and then smashes the knot into mashed potatoes (OUCH!). The nurse asks "Is that it!" and he ignores her. OMG. Then he shows her and says that it isn't fluid filled it is solid (is that good or bad?). And he asks me if *I* wanna see it. I say "well, if it doesn't have a heartbeat and legs I won't know what I'm looking at." But he shows me anyways. It looked like Moonpie (HAHA). No, it looked like...A black grape. Squished. He helps me sit up. And tells me it is a tumor. That we need to "watch it" right now. He said he didn't feel it was necessary to remove it just yet. It is 4 cm in diameter. That if it had fluid in it he would just drain it (OMG). If it grows before my appointment in 6 weeks I have to go in right away. I said "Well, ok, as long as it isn't cancer!" and he replies "I don't think it's cancer". WHAT!? You don't THINK it's cancer? How can we find out that it is NOT cancer? I should have said those things but I didn't...Moonpie did when I told him.

So I wait. And fondle myself 4 times per day. But get no joy in it.

But I DID get the new "ring" birth control. Ya know, that ring you shove up there and wear for 3 weeks...take it out, have Aunt Flo visit and then 7 days later, put a new ring in? Better that taking a pill every day. I hate bc pills. I do not have sex every day so, I don;t want to pop a pill for it every day. But this thing, I have sex about once per month...I don't have to remember to take it out, rinse it off, swallow it every day and back up this for X many days/weeks. So, we will see. He gave me a sample--I'll let ya know when I try it on. Tell ya if it is a keeper or not. I am soooo not excited to be putting more hormones into my body. But oh, well. If I have another kid I will die...really, I probably will.

Stay tuned for the next installment of "Her Tumor, Her Turmoil..."