I Gotta Do Some Cleaning...

And reorganizing. And redecorating. Of this blog here. So, hopefully today--but tomorrow fer sure! I'm gonna get my links right...So you can see who I LOVE LOVE LOVE..."E"..."Y"...And the part time player: SQ. I'm gonna post PICTURES. And a new one of ME on my profile. So you can see my bangs and brownish/muddy hair. I took some "nature shots" yesterday that I want "E" to see.

Me and the (little) kids spent sooooo much time outside yesterday. We all got a tad bit of sun on the cheeks and Carson has pink ears that I want to nibble off. And that attractive farmer neck. We picked up rocks in the pasture. ALOT of rocks. We have an infestation of red rocks. That's why we like to call our little piece of land 'Red Rock Ranch', cause that's what we have the most of here. We played chase. Hide n go seek (the doghouse was the favorite hiding spot). My Mother In Law (AKA Nanny) was here...And so were Erin's (a friends) two girls. Nanny took them on an 'exploration' of our property. We only have a 3 acre pasture...But 3 sides of the fence line are wooded sorta. So we wove in and out of rotting tree limbs. Looking for 'treasure'. The dogs (all four) and one of the cats went with us. It was a grand ole time. I even discovered that there is a creek that runs right behind our property! eeeeek. I see Carson diggin' in the mud back there in a few years. Or getting snakebit. omg.

I told you that I took Caden to get his ears checked on Thursday right? And they were "clear"? Welllll, last night he had an awful night. Crying. Whimpering. At first, at 11PM, I thought "maybe too much playing outside yesterday--over tired"? But then again I don't think so much after my Trazadone tablet takes effect. But, later, at around 2AM--after standing/wobbling beside his bed, patting him, offering a bottle (which he flung across the crib), trying to find the perfect pootie (paci), changing his diaper, finding his favorite night night blanket--it came to me: he sounds like he is in pain! He was even growling, like he was getting pissed off...So I went and got him a dose of Loratab. THAT did it. After about 20 minutes he went to sleep and didn't wake again until 8AM. When I fed him breakfast I saw what appeared to be a honking huge piece of ear wax. Nasty reddish-orange-yellow in hue? So I dug my pinkie nail in his ear and snagged it--but it wasn't wax. It was all crystally-sandy like. A discharge? I Dunne. You think that was it? Please tell me that his ear drum didn't bust! Not while I stood there--swaying in a trazadone high. Should I take him to the doctor? sigh.

OK, I might try to get some pictures uploaded onto photobucket--keep checking back for PICTURES! But I might email some of the nature ones to "E"--wouldn;t want to bore you with all the pictures of rocks and pine cones.

Lata Tata.

Shopping With My Sistah (AKA: I Got Waxed)...

I asked my sister to go with me today on my "Day Off". PS: Robin, if she called in sick--she really was--she threw up at least twice--maybe 3 times.

First, let me tell you that Moonpie and I got into a squabble a few days ago. Over my housekeeping skills. Really, it classified as WWIII, but for the faint at heart I will just call it a squabble. I told him that I was taking Wednesday off and that HE would be responsible for taking care of the (ie HIS) children AND the house while I went "somewhere" allll day. AND he had to clean... He asked me "where are you going?" and I replied "ANYWHERE but HERE".

So, I needed a bra that a)fit me and b)wasn't a nursing bra. I have a coupon for $10 off a Body By Victoria bra and a free panty! Plus they will actually MEASURE you. I told the chick I was a "36 long"--she claims I am a 36C...whatever. We went to a discount store first and SQ bought sinus medicine, then she threw up in the bathroom while I waited in line at the register to purchase a $3.00 (clearance people!) massager...for my HIP, ok?! I JOKED that I was naming it BOB...Battery (no cord!) operated Boyfriend. And a man in line heard me...I was mortified but none the less amused. Then we went and got our haircut. I got about an inch off--SQ got 10" cut/whacked off. Enough to donate to Locks of Love!!

Then we went to the mall. And I got a wax job!! On my eyebrows!! My first time EVER. But I was confused...because *after* she ripped, what she claimed was only a "few" hairs out, she PLUCKED alot too. I do look fetching tho. But not right now...right now I am sitting at the puter in my panties--no bra, with haircolor on my 'do (going back to my "root" color, which is in the "brown family". PS: Bob is still in the car and I am home alone. hee hee. But back to our trip...Then we ate (ok. We ate BEFORE I was waxed but I am not going back and redoing my story--)at Chicks fill A (I know I misspelled it, I meant to).

THEN, we went into Victoria's Secret. SQ told me Victoria's secret: She is an expensive tramp! I got measured. Then realized I left my coupon IN THE CAR!!! So, I will get a new bra (maybe 2) tomorrow. Gotta take 2 kids to town for check ups and ortho appointments!

But the killer? I walked into a CLEAN house. And he has them at the park. WHY!? Why can't it be hard for him like it is for me!? It's not fair. It's not.

Ok, gotta go, the timer is going off...gotta wash that fake blonde outta my hair....

I Heart You...

Awwww, you guys?!! You are too sweet...and obviously I am a creep--it has been almost a week since I last wrote. Let's see, what has happened since then?

OH! I got my meds...90 days worth! So I will be sane for at least another 3 months!! Yippee! (sigh) So, let the games begin!

Claudia cut her hair. She was doing "crafts" and didn't like that her bangs were in her eyes so she grabbed her hair at the scalp and "snip"! She looks retarded. Or just darn silly. Can't wait to see what they say at school.

Carson is on a tear. He is into EVERYTHING. Backtalking. Poor boy will have a permanent scar on his tounge if he doesn't stop sticking it out--soap burns, ya know. And he has been spending alot of time in the corner for saying "Then I don't love you", sometimes I say "Good to know" when he says it--sometimes I make him stand in the corner. Sometimes I ignore him--my therapist would cringe if she saw that. I should be consistent. HA. I am...I am consistently inconsistent.

Calie went on a "date" last night...a triple date. A girls mom took them to cracker barrel and dropped them off--they met 3 boys there. The boys paid for their meals. Calie said her "date" barely spoke he is so shy. I think she is not attracted to him--but he is to her! haha PS: Moonpie is unaware...he would FREAK OUT!

Caden...10 months tomorrow. He is so funny. He loves his pootie (pacifier). If I have a bottle in my hand and he is in his bed standing...he will plop down on his butt and throw himself down on his tummy, roll over and wait for me to hand it to him. He gets so excited when I open the dishwasher--he can crawl at warp speed to get there before I shut the door--I have to sneak to load and unload it now.

Moonpie brought me and Calie tulips the other day--for n o reason. And he brought Claudia a snow globe with the Disney Princess in it. Carson got a car. hmmmm...wonder what that was about? He also took me to Target to buy a bra that fits me--but there were no bras there in my size--I tried on about 7 bras. I think I am a 36D...but some were too small--some were too big--none were *just right*. I HATE HATE trying on bras. But he HATES HATES seeing me (not that he sees me often) in my old nursing bras. He also bought me 7 new shirts and a blazer. He picked them ALL out. I just tried everything on (yuck). He said it was his tiny version of a "what not to wear" episode. Now he gets to throw 8 items in my closet away. joy.

Claudia went to the dentist last week. Needs about $500 worth of dental work done. It's all my fault. My depression made brushing their teeth about #943 on my priority list--oh, wait, I didn't HAVE a priority list then. I shiver to see what Carson needs done to his teeth (his appointment is next on March 9th). eeeekkkk.

We only owe $600 on Calies ortho stuff--gonna pay that bill off on Thursday. That will save us $120 per month--about what our house payment is going up per month (due to taxes and escrow)! yippee. not.

My sister bought me some scrapbooking stuff. If you only knew how many pictures 4 kids has created. I dread trying to sort them out into some sort of "sort" thing. Sorta. hee hee

A few weeks ago I saw my favorite "loon/druggie" on local TV. He was backlit. And was going by an "alias"...but I recognized his voice. He has had a relapse. I wanted to call him up--meet him and hug the life outta him. I miss him. I should have him over to the house. Feed him and snuggle on the couch and watch the "LoGo" channel! Moonpie/homophobia King would FREAK OUT there too.

I think I forgot to tell you that Josh and Tara (my bro and sis in law) are expecting a BOY--wait, I think I already told you...sorry.

Well, I am putting off writing down all my receipts into the checkbook--then going on line and consolidating the freaking thing. It HAS to be done before Moonpie comes home or I will be grounded. I am soooo bad about holding out on my receipts--it will look like we have $$ in the checkbook--then I (or he goes on line and sees what I've done) and shit hits the fan--blows in my face and then I smell like shit for about a week. So...I better go do it and hope we aren't overdrawn...omg. Pray for me. No. REALLY. Pray.

DO Feed The Animal...

You know, sometimes I feel like a monkey or a jackass even, at the zoo. Here I am in my little cage. You are watching me. Waiting to see if I will eat a bug or throw crap at you... Ooo Ooo Ahhh Ahhh. I am semi housebroken. And I like for the visitors to visit. I do. You wave at me and I'll wave at you. But if you want me to do tricks. Really stupid tricks...You have to give me something people.

Like most bloggers I crave attention. I want you to give me a comment people! I see you--sneaking over here. Would it kill you to give me a crumb? Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Monkey wants a banana please. I'll give you one back too--ok?

OK, This Will Be Soooo Quick...

It is 12:45PM and I am still in my PJ's, the house is a WRECK and I'm hosting a birthday party tomorrow...Carson is in his underwear and Moonpie comes home today around 3PM. EEEKKKK.

Caden was diagnosed on Valentines Day with ear infections in both ears (AGAIN). This is the fourth round of this since Nov 15th. Ugh.



Carson and Moonpie went to Dallas Wednesday, spent the night. They had a BLAST. Went to a few hunting/fishing/camping stores and basically *looked* at everything. When you are 4 looking at stuffed beavers, bears, deer, otters, coyotes and watching live bass fish swim in a tank and pretend riding around in new ($$$)boats is FUN.



Calie...hmmmm. Same ole same ole. 15. Hermit-like. Subway obsessed.



Claudia. My sweet girl. She is America's Next Top Model--check out her pose/makeup and hair! She did it all herself!



Almost 2 weeks ago I got a form letter from our insurance company. Seems they are discontinuing to cover Effexor XR. *With* insurance it costs me about $35.00 per month. Not bad. Without coverage it will be something like $135.00 Needless to say... I was/am anxious. My doctor (remember Mr Personality {not really}?) didn't prescribe it to me--a real HEAD doctor did while I was in the Shrink Hotel (Looney Bin) but then my doc continued my prescription based on how well I do (most times) on it. So I freeaked thinking that my doc will not have a CLUE about putting me on something else... Then I find out that Effexor doesn't HAVE a sub. It is in a "class" by itself. Greeeeeeeeat. So, I went to my docs and had them write a 3 month RX...I'm gonna see if I can get a 90 day supply--that way I will have 3 months to find a new drug. wean off my Effexor--ramp up on the new stuff. OR plenty of time for me and my doctor (who is a big pussycat--he couldn't scare a flea) to fight the insurance company. I mean, you would think they would rather pay for my meds over paying for another in-patient stay. What do you think? $100.00 per month or $15,000 for 5 days? Or longer. hmmmm. They really don't want to fuck with a crazy chick. I *was* suicidal--homicidal could be next (I'm kidding in case you don't get my sense of humor)!!

My new dog "Halo" (who was an angel in December at 7 weeks) is contemplating a name change to "Pitchfork" or "Forked tongue" or "Lucifer"...He has chewed up about 10 pacifiers (or "pooties", as they are called by ME). He gets so happy sometimes that he weee-weees on you (Or my sister. Or the new friend I had over here a few days ago). He is quickly turning into a shithead. But he is SO darn CUTE.




Josh and Tara (my bro and his new wife who is pregnate) are expecting a BOY in July. I am so thrilled. Gotta go through my baby boy clothes now!!

My sister FINALLY updated her blog. After I threatened to bring Carson over for a few days if she didn't do it. See the address below. OH, and if you have a quick connections, go see: www.hurricanehead.blogspot.com There is some funny crap over there (not really crap--stuff). I saw about 30 seconds of video--took me 3.2 days to download (slight exaggeration) but it was so funny.

Gotta go. Things to do. Later gators

PS: Therapy appointment yesterday. Another verification that I am screwed up and that it may be too late to reprogram my brain--or maybe it is just too much work--If I got paid for trying to be sane I would already be rich--it is HARD work. And I am lazy.

The Fantabulous Four...

Carson will be 4 on Saturday. FOUR. Seems like last week he was 18 months old. Now he is almost four. A few weeks ago he started drawing his version of people! You know. They are big, round. No true "head". Just totally potato shaped. With long, string like arms and legs, no feet, no fingers. They just flow off the page. Huge eyes. And a straight across mouth. just "_________" like that! Some have scibbles of hair across the top. If you have hair. Some are bald. But ALL of them have smaller circles where their belly buttons would (should?) be. And then a scribble inside the smaller circle. I thought it WAS the belly button. But it seems we all have babies in our tummies. Daddy does. Claudia does. Everyone does.

He has been quite sweet lately, too. I have been proposed to daily. But I have to wait til he is "beg an srong" like Daddy is. But if we have a fight I am threatened with "ten I'm not gunna marrrry yew!" I tell him I'll be OK. I already have a husband right now. He doesn't care.

Sneaky. Oh, so sneaky. I just asked him what he was doing (can't see or hear him). The "nuttin'" always gives 'em away, doesn't it!? He was spraying Febreeze onto the cereal box. His reason? 'cause he wants cereal! geez.

He goes to the dentist Thursday. I'm making Moonpie take him. I will break out into a sweat and hives if I take him (plus I have a therapist appointment). Not because *I* am afraid of dentist--but because I KNOW he willl Frrrreeeeaaaakkkkk. He is so liable to bite someone. Or something. Moonpie has tons of patience for this sort of thing (mainly because there will be witnesses). He will be able to reason with him. I refuse to "reason". It just prolongs the tantrum, in my opinion. When someone needs a splinter removed with aid of a needle or they need to take medicine that taste like bubble gum flavored rat poison or even if they need drops inserted into their eyes--Moonpie has to do it. I want to hold them down and GET IT OVER WITH! He wants to take a 45 minute break and talk to them about how the medicine will help them feel better. The splinter will fester and get infected and they may need to see the DOCTOR for a (gasp!) shot. Or he will hem and haw about the drops and that it won't take but a second (plus 45 minutes) and then it will be allll over. Just the other day I was deeep cleaning my bedroom--took the mattress and box contraptions off (we used to call those boxed springs--but there are no springs in mine?)...and vacuumed under my massive king sized ship...um bed. And the I used furniture polish. Oh how it gleemed! Then as I was making the bed I heard "sssss". Claudia was trying to spray the polish. About then she did--into her face! I asked if she sprayed it in her eyes. She did. The can says flush with water immediately. I call to Moonpie. We go into the bathroom and she starts to freak out when she hears that we will have to pour water in her eyes. I swear...he started to reason with her. I said "Come ON! It says immediately--not after you explain it to a 5 year old!" Luckily he saw my reason (for once). You would have thought we were pouring finger nail polish remover into her eyes. But in 4-5 minute it was OVER. and she was fine. Bet she never sprays something in her eyes again.

OK, back to Carson. He is finally jealous of Caden. He tells me to "put him down". "There is only room for one boy in your lap--ME!" I've seen him push him down. Drag him by his legs down the hall (to get him away from a toy). Caden thinks he is the silliest thing around. Brotherly love. My first tiny boyfriend is getting big. Pre-school in July. A small bike with training wheels on Saturday. I hear him telling Caden now, in the kids room: "Babies can't play with that. Give it to me!"

He will be "beg an srong" soon. And I will be his Mama. Always.

One Of Those Taggy Things...Tag You're IT!

My pal "E" tagged me ( www.myfuckingeye.com/ ). I've never done this so... be ye gentle and kind:

FOUR THINGS...

Four jobs I've had

1. Rented cars to drug dealers and other local scum for Hertz.
2. Data Entry for an importer of fake trees/flowers (think silk arrangements and ficus trees).
3. Front desk...the chick who takes your money, makes your appointments, listens to your life story...At an eye doctors (5 docs) office.
4. Stay At Home Slave, umm....Mom.

Four movies I can watch over and over

1. The Color Purple
2. Urban Cowboy
3. The Wizard of Oz
4. Toy Story

Four places I've lived

1. East Texas
2. Texarkanna (4 months)
3. Colorado Springs, Co. (5 weeks)
4. East Texas--in the "woods" in BFE...In da cunttree.

Four TV shows I love

1. Trauma Life in the ER
2. All the "C.S.I." shows
3. The Barkers (on MTV--but the season *just* ended...can't believe they named that kid ALABAMA)!
4. American Idol (but only the sucky singer ones)

Four places I've vacationed

1. Galveston, Texas
2. Houston, Texas
3. San Antonio, Texas
4. White Sands, New Mexico (ummm I was 14)

Four of my favorite foods

1. Double Stuffed Oreos and milk
2. Cheese enchiladas
3. Fried rice
4. Fresh, Hot pretzels...

Four sites I visit daily...(I don't visit ANYTHING daily...but my favs?)

1. www.dooce.com
2. www.myfuckingeye.com
3. just press "next" at the top of my blog and see what pops up
4. http://scoutmom.blogspot.com/ (this is my sister--who hasn't blogged since october--and I am SO disappointed and she will be getting a tounge lashing)

Four places I'd rather be right now

1. asleep
2. drunk in a club--dancing my ass off.
3. in an indoor heated pool ALONE--floating on my back, arms stretched out...
4. at Barnes and Nobles--w a HUGE gift card.

Four bloggers I am tagging...

If you read this--consider yourself tagged...and leave a comment darn it! So I can go visit YOUR site! I promise to comment at your place... I promise.

A Slippery Slope...

I am so dog gone tired. Exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well the past 3-4 nights. Caden is sick. Snotty nose. We took him to his 9 mo check up last Thursday and he was well. He's just in the 20% for weight. So I am trying to bulk up his calories. He isn't frail or skinny. Just not as heavy as most babies his age. But now with the nose stuff--he doesn't really want to eat much.

Last night was the worst. I went to sleep around 10:30PM on the couch. Caden in his pack n play in the living room with me. I was up at 11:00PM, 11:35PM, 12:10AM (this time because Moonpie needed my help--Claudia had thrown up in our bed), 1:20AM, 3:45AM and 5:45AM. At 1:20 I just put Caden on my chest on the couch with me--he tossed and turned. Flipped and flopped. Whimpered and whined. I changed his diaper. Gave him a bottle and cussed out him, me and whoever was shining a flashlight in a voodoo doll that resembled ME.

I got the kids up at 7:00AM and carried them to the car. I wore my pj's and socks while I drove Calie to school. But then they needed feeding and dressing and talking to and refereeing...I am so tired. I did eat lunch and feed them too.

The exhaustion is what drags me. If I get to tired or draggy--then the darkness settles in. The tone gets rougher--the words snappy. The threats to maim more frequent.

Well, gotta go. Caden is screaming his head off and the other two are too quiet--that usually means someone is naked and the other has a marker in their hand...

Claudie Bean Brag...

I know I gripe (bitch) about my kids alot. But they are so funny, cute and they light up my mind most of the time. Carson's favorite saying of late? "Mom? I like your face. Come 'ere you!" He tells me that he heard this on "The Lion King" (one? or two?), but I never remember hearing it. But it iiiiiisssss cute when he says it.

And Claudia. I don't speak of her alot. But remember? She is the one I used to battle daily. Hourly even. She was part of my major snap. She is the most strong willed child. She is an artist--with the personality to match. She talks in her sleep. Well, argues really. She yells. She is... hmm. Very, Very cute. She IS the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forhead. The actually were decribing HER. She was a very high maintenance baby. She knew what she wanted and she wanted it right now, damnit! She walked at 10 months. By age 2 she would entertain waiters in family resturants by naming all her shapes. I'm not talking squares and circles people. I'm talking trapazoids. Paralletograms (her favorite), octogons, ovals. At 20 months she had over 200 words in her vocabulary. Believe me, once while waiting for Cliff to get fitted for a holter monitor (for his racing/irregular heartbeat)--I wrote every word she could say down (upstairs, downstairs, sweet potato, unusual, unaceptable...). She was almost 4 before she learned to go to sleep on her own. She still carries a "night-night" to school (and sleeps) with it. There is a WAR on it it is misplaced (omg--I've popped many a vicodin over not being able to find that freaking sqaure of cotton and satin).

She is a darling. She can charm you into buying whatever she wants at Wal-Mart. She has tried to steal from there too...but never anything for herself. A pair of capris for a friend. A birthday card for her brother 6 months in advance. A pair of panties for Calie.

And I told you she was an artist. She won an award at school today. "Super Artist". Here are two of my favorites. One is a card she made of a flower (watercolor paints). The other is 2 birds she drew with washable markers for Calie. And I have a picture she made of a horse that will knock your socks off. And a picture of me while pregnate with Caden--with a cute baby drawn inside of it. She is very artsy fartsy. I am one proud mama. I can't wait til she is grown--I can't wait to she what/who she becomes...

Today Was Surprisingly OK...

Moonpie was off work. We had only the boys at home--the girls were in school. Caden and I slept on the couch from about 10AM until Noon. ahhhhhh. Nothing like a 9 month old snuggled on your chest, drooling onto your shirt and smirking and giggling in his sleep.

Moonpie rented "The Fantastic Four" for Carson. Who watched about 10 minutes of it! Moonpie and Carson went to pick up the girls. I held Caden and read (*gasp* I READ) A Million Tiny Pieces (?) You know, that controversial book--An Oprah book. The one they are saying isn't a memoir, but a work of fiction? I mean, really who cares. HE wrote the book. It's HIS story. He was a major alcoholic and drug addict in rehab! Come on. If that isn't lichen to embellish or leave out bits or even make up some good stuff, I don't know what is. Who freaking cares? It is a goooood book. I like it. Anyways. Before my blood pressure gets outta control I leave that topic. hee hee.

Moonpie and I were going to take Calie out on Friday for her Birthday. But we were having a hard time finding someone to watch the (other) kids. I didn't want to ask my grandmother because...I just can't do that to someone who is 70+ years old. One or two is one thing. All three is punishment. I wanted to ask my Sister--but was reminded by Moonpie that she has her own kids to keep--and that it would be infringing on HER weekend time with her boys. OK. Sorry. So we decided to split it up. He is taking her to circuit City to get her mp3 player. And then out to eat. Tomorrow, I get to take her shopping for a few clothing items and out to eat! Calie is soooo excited. She gets her Daddy ALL to herself. And then she gets her Mommy all to herself. I want her to feel so special--because she is. Can't believe she is getting so old--15 is old. When you think that you brought this person into the world. That you nurtured her and disciplined her. You watered and weeded and fertilized this person into a gorgeous flower. That soon will need you less than you have ever wanted to be needed. I hope she has a wonderful time with Daddy tonight. I hope she never forgets how much we love her.

Caden has a well check up tomorrow. Shots. Ears checked. He is turning into a drama queen too. I bet there are lots of alligator tears tomorrow. And I'll bet I hold him all day. Sweetheart.

She Bangs, She Bangs...

Ok, I know I am not too fashion forward. I am VERY loooow maintenance. I make sure that Moonpie buys new scrubs when he wears the crotch out of his old ones (LOL). I make sure my kids are wearing pants that don't look like they came from Urkel's rag bag. I am always last on the list. But I am NOT fashion savy.

I came from the era that had me wearing wings for bangs. Like Farrah. Then my bangs were teased (Na Nana Na Na) to sky scraper proportions--the famous "Texas Big Hair". What I am trying to say is...I have had bangs my entire life. But I am told per Moonpie and Calie that bangs are OUT. That I am outta style. But I don't care. I hate my naked forehead. I literally feel NAKED with my forehead showing. I have tried to grow out my bangs. Really. But it doesn't work. I get frustrated fast. I don't know what to do with the hair in the "in between stage". I can't stand it in my eyes. I hate it pushed to the side. And forget about headbands. I look...Like a DORK! Clippys? no. no. not good.

Me and bangs are like me and blow jobs. I try about twice per year. But I am never able to follow thru. I get about half way there and quit. Then I vow to NEVER attempt it again. So, yesterday I chopped off my bangs again. Whew. Feels soooo much better. I can see. My forehead is clothed. I feel safe. And *I* like it. So there.

I promise to put a picture here of me and my bangs soon. But since *I* am the camera keeper--there aren't too many pictures of me. But I have over 1,000 on my computer of kids and dogs and horses and the such. So you will have to wait until I have an urge to apply make up. It will be soon I promise.

Raindrops On Roses...

It RAINED yesterday. I am talking allll day long. It was a dark, dreary, rainy day. The kind of day that depressed sloths, like myself, LOVE. I kept the drapes drawn. I wore my PJ's until 2PM. I had greasy hair pulled back into a mini ponytail--too cute!

The kids ran around making a huge mess of the living room and their bedroom. We watched TV all day. MTV stuff. Cartoons. Ate Cheetos. Then, my sister, brother-in-law and their 2 boys came over, how embarassing to get caught in your 'draws that late in the day (in the dark house). SO, after they left, I decided to take a shower. Shaved my legs too! FIXED my hair. I am talking there was a hair dryer, flat iron and hairspray was involved! I applied ZERO makeup tho. ugh. Makeup on the weekends at home should be outlawed ('course I don't like to wear it EVER--but I do own some). I put on some nice jeans instead of my sweats. Took out a lasagna I had made and froze 2 weeks ago--and straightened the house.

I almost looked like I had it GOING ON by the time Moonpie made it home at 7:30PM!

So, all in all it started out a dark day. But after I was shamed into getting it together--it was SUNSHINE SUNDAY!

PS: My beloved Sissy is bringing me a Gazelle (YOU CAN DO IT!) and a stair stepper soon. I just might use them too (out in the barn)! No promises tho--that way you and I both aren't disappointed.

My Stay In Hospital...

Here in E. Texas we usually say "I was in *the* hospital". But I have always loved the way the English say "in hospital". So, that is how I say it--with a Texan accent. Yehaw!

When my doctor (back in November) said "I think it's best if you go to the Behavior Health Clinic and stay for a few days. You can get treatment. They can help you." I almost passed out. He was talking "Funny Farm", "Nut House", "Psycho Ward". But his next words were scarier. They were said to Moonpie. "Take her right now. Right now. They are waiting for her. Don't go home and get clothes--you can get those later. Take her now." Holy Crap. The lookon Moonpie's face. I'll never forget it. His voice wavered when he told the doctor: "But she is breastfeeding. What do I do with the baby?" His advice? "You'll figure it out."

So Moonpie took me. I sat in the waiting room crying. Wanting to run. Wanting to go home and hide under a bed. But scared that they would come get me. Put me in a straight jacket and throw me in a padded room. So I cried. And waited. They took me in a little room and interviewed me. Asked me my history. Wanted to hear my suicide plan, in detail. Asked me about what medicines I had been taking. Trying to figure if I was addicted to Vicodin...I wasn't, tho I easily could have been, in time. This is where Moonpie had to leave me. He had to pick up the kids from school--go relieve my sister, who was watching the boys. And he had the task of telling everyone "she is crazy and I need HELP--get here now, before *I* have to take care of these kids by myself!!!!" Then a nurse came and got me. She took my blood pressure. Weighed me. Took my shoelaces from me---OMG. That made me bawl my eyes out. Then she took my picture(!?). I'm sure it was quite the glamour shot.

Then I was taken to the ward. I was told I would be on a "good ward"--whatever that means. I think now that it meant "people over there are crazy--but they aren't thowing poo or taking off their clothes yet". It was quiet on the ward. About 8 people were there then. Some in their rooms (soem crying in their beds). Some in the "day room" watching TV. A a couple on the (two) telephones. I was shown my room--which I shared. Two to every room when it's full. We weren't allowed any glass bottles--no makeup. Nothing with belts, ties. No food or drink in the rooms. I spent the first few hours on my bed crying. Waiting for Moonpie to come visit at 7PM (for an hour) and bring me clothes. I finally went into the dayroom at lunch time. I was told that until I saw the doctor (the next day, sometime) that I would be on "lockdown"--I have to eat all my meals on the ward and then I would be evaluated. So the rest of the group went to the cafe--walked in a single file line with a "tech" on gaurd--watching them, constantly counting them. Unlocking and locking doors for them as they went.

Later that evening a girl came up to me. Brandi. We talked briefly. She told me "the run down"--this wasn't her first (or second) rodeo. She had been diagnosed with bipolar (can't remember the version) and was chemically dependant--and very addicted to nicotine! No one was allowed to smoke--or drink caffine on the ward. You could drink cokes in the cafe--SMALL ones. But no smoking ever, never, ever. I don't smoke, so it didn't bother me at alllll. But it made the other natives restless! I was made aware that we would be "in classes" most of the day. Group therapy. Some classes were for depression/bipolar/scitzo and the other classes were for chemical dependancy/alchohol. I was in the crazy classes.

Moonpie came. Brought me PJ bottoms with a drawstring--couldn't have 'em. Brought me my makeup bag--couldn't have more than half of it due to glass bottles. And he brought me my breast pump--my boobs were about to explode. He had tried to feed the baby a bottle--but he was having a hard time. Caden wouldn't take it. My sister had to feed him with a medicine dropper. drip drip drip. That night they gave me an Ambien (sleeping pill). I was told they were powerful. But I laid on my plastic bed. On my flat plastic pillow. Covered up with my hospital smelling blanket...and thought "When is this thing going to---ZZZZZZZ". Best nights sleep EVER.

Over the next few days more people checked in. I became good friends with alot of the patients. There was George, who had tried to slit his wrists. He lived in another state...and he had to stay there for 4 days wearing blood stained jeans. There was Anthony. He was a prision guard (inhis uniform) who was depressed over his marriage breaking up and was having anger issues. He slept for the first 2 days. There was Cullen (my favorite). A 19 year old homosexual who was addicted to everything. Speed was his favorite tho. When he came down off his high we found that he is high on life all the time. He has a very UP personality. So funny. LOVE him. Wanted to slap mayo on his head and eat him up! There was Amelia (my roommate). Laura. Mona. Susan. Fanny. Miss Viv (who was the epitome of style and money--and a MAJOR vicodin addict). We all had our stories. Our problems. It was easy to talk to them--most of them KNEW what I meant. They had felt it. Lived it. Breathed it. It was in their souls too.

I was there for 4 nights, 5 days. I was put of 3 diff meds. Then weaned off one. I had therapy all day long. I had handouts. Notes. I had visitors every night--most there had no visitors AT ALL. I left on the condition that I go to out-patient there too. 5 hours per day. Monday thru Friday. I did that for a little over 2 weeks. Then I was put in 2 times a week 1-on-1. Then Once per week. I cried when I left in patient. I will never forget those I met there. My last day I made a plaque in "activities" (HAHA). It was a small wooden board. I glued beautifully colored tile stars all over it. Then wrote everyone's first name down that was on the ward. It is on my night stand. I will carry them in my heart always. I pray for them too. And I know they pray for me.

The Torture Of Having A Teenager...

Oh me. Oh my. Will it never end? Will *I* make it. FOUR times? Someone PLEASE tell me...boys are easier, right? Because I will be, ummm...(counting in my head and on my fingers...) 45/46 when my boys are teenagers. My heart and mind may not be able to hande all the stress. pouting. backtalking. door slamming. personality disorders...I mean...changes. And I'm only doing one daughter now. Still got one to go.

She made a video. With her friend. In which she cussed like a sailor. Dressed like a ho. And bad mouthed me. ME. Her MOMMY. Her once best friend. Her confidante. She called me a "fucking bitch". Said she couldn't wait til she turned 18 so she could leave and never some back. Said she hated her family. I was DEVESTATED.

Then I went to my therapy appointment. And was told (about 30+ times) "Developmentally Appropriate for her age". And that the video was her "diary" and that we (me and Moonpie) shouldn't have watched it. I felt like a fucking bitch.

We finally told Calie that we saw the video. And told her how much it hurt us to see it--and that we shouldn't have invaded her privacy. And that if she wanted respect and privacy she had to earn it. We are trying. But it is so hard. She is soooo hormonal. She sulks. She conives. She knows how to sweet tlk us and do extra chores to get us to give/tell her whatever. She wants a cell phone. And a car (she turns 15 this month) and Drivers ED and an iPod--not just any mp3 player but the iPod NANO. And new clothes. And we are POOR. About broke. Debit Consolidators told Moonpie that we spend more than we make now. And we hardly EVER "blow money up a hog's ass" (what? you've never heard that one? Must be my Texan upbringing).

But then she can be so sweet. Curled up in her Daddy's lap. Snuggling with Caden. Every now and then playing with Claudia (they are constantly arguing--and they are 10 years apart). Playing horsey with Carson--or dancing with him. Clearing the table without being asked (once every blue moon or so).

I can't wait til she is grown WAY up and is married and has a kid or 2. That will be soooo worth it all.

Daddy and Daughter Dance/Daddy and Son Hunt...

We got a notice in Claudia's backpack the other day. Feb 11th they are having a dance for the PreK and K classes. A "Dad and Daughter" and a "Mom and her Little Man" dance. Moonpie has to work that day (and night). Can't get off. So he took her on a "date" tonight. She looked so cute. New jeans. New shirt. Hair all pretty in a ponytail. They went to the movies and out to eat pizza. Then she begged that he take her to Wal Mart. They picked out some Easy Bake Oven stuff (that crap is $$). But I'll bet *I* have to "cook" with her. And clean up. And HE will get to eat it. Oh well. She was THRILLED to get him all to herself.

Next week Moonpie is taking Carson camping! CAMPING! He isn't 4 yet. In the WOODS. There are cyotes and wolves out there. And snakes. OH and they are going HUNTING (WITH GUNS!!!!!!)! To hunt squirrels (or "swirls" as Carson calls them). I have banned all dead animals from coming into my house--squirrels look like dead, skinned babies to me--I will NOT eat them. They are just rats with fluffy tails. Camping! Sleeping in a tent. Pooping in the woods. Peeing on trees. I'm sure he will LOVE it.

Lay Down And Be A Baby!

Caden will be 9 months on the 28th of this month! Caden is no longer Army crawling--he is all out crawling. But before he got his gut up off the floor...he was pulling to standing. And only holding on with one hand. and cruising along the couch. Pulling up on the wall. Crying if I walked into another room. Eating Cheerios. and Vanilla Wafers. Holding his tiny arms up to me (pick me uuuup). Crying if you take a toy (or piece of paper--or the phone--or TV remote--anything he has in his hands) away from him.

He is eating stage 3 foods. And some of ours. He is such a happy baby. He squeals at levels that require ear plugs to protect your eardrums. I think he has ANOTHER ear infection (this would be #4 since Nov 15th). He has no stanger anxiety yet. He grins and flirts with everyone. He pats my face when I hold him. He hugs my neck. He *gently* pulls my hair. He *not gently* pulls the puppys fur. Then laughs his head off. He never turns his head away when I offer medicine--but he always grimaces like I am posioning him afterwards.

He is so sweet. I'm glad I didn't follow thru on that awful plan I had... It would have been a crime to not be around to see him--and fro him not to grow up to this stage. I'm glad we are both still here.

Heard In Our Bathroom Today...

Claudia: Mom? Mom!

Me: What do you need Claudia?

C: I need a little help.

M: Are you through?

C: Not really. Some won't let go.

M: What!?

C: Please come here! Hurry!

I go into the bathroom and clean her (v v dirty) behind.

C: That last piece was just hanging on for dear life!

Well, ain't she the cutest thang?

Knock, Knock. Anyone Home?...

Sorry. I didn't drop off the face of the Earth... but I felt like it. If I had a dollar for every time I said to myself "Self! You need to blog!" I would be rich. Filthy rich. Like Bill Gates rich. Not that I haven't had time. I just haven't *made* time.

Still in therapy. Still taking the meds. Still having bad days. Today was one of those days. Still avoiding. Dropped out of MOPS. Just too hard. Mainly because my therapist appointments are on Thursday's (cause then I only have Caden)--and that is the same days as MOPS--but partly 'cause I don't wanna go.

Been having sex on a regular basis. Whoo Hooo. no, really. WHOO HOO!!!! But Moonpie really needs to get snipped and clipped. I am one of those girls who just LOVES condoms. I mean--they are lubricated (can only help), and they contain allll the gross messy mess. Therefore I am not laying in a wet spot--or getting out of bed after. hee hee. And he always brings me a glass of cold water and a warm washrag... The best thing is to pop that trazadone and get after it--then 30 minutes later you can go into your night night coma with a SMILE on your face. Moonpie, one the other hand, hates the condoms. But no condom--no cooter. No raincoat-no ride. No plastic-no p...well, you get the idea.

So, I am back. With lots to post about. Some is funny stuff--some is whiny. Some (I PROMISE) will have pictures.

Stay tuned. Here's the kids at Christmas (my mother-in-laws house)

Tweezers...Multi Use Tool...

Tweezers are incredible! I have used them for nasty eyebrows. For plucking sticker and slivers of wood from tiny feet. Moonpie has been know to use them to rip stray nose hairs(I know--Groooossss!). But today was the primo. Today I performed delicate surgery on Carson.

Have you ever heard some story about some kid that shoves a pea or button up their nose? And that sometimes a trip to the ER is required? Well, I have them allll beat. Today my 3 (almost 4) year old son, who is definitely in my top 5 favorite people, who is quite dramatic, came up to me and said "Momma. My butt hurts." Me, thinking constipation, says "Do you think you need to poop sweetie?" "No! There is something in there! See!?" He then drops his pants and bends over pulling his little cheeks apart to show me. Hmmm. What IS that? I DO see SOMETHING! I move in for a close up...He has put a BEAD! A square BEAD--like you find on a necklace--spelling out someone's NAME! INTO his BUTT! omg. omg. So I coax him to push it out. "Push it out Carson--like you have to poop." No Momma! It hurts! (*whimper whimper*)" ooooo mmmmmm gggggg.

So that is how I came to use tweezers to extract the letter "A" from his butt.

We followed up with a lesson in how very dirty with germs our behinds are. And that poop can come OUT of your behind--and even toots can--but absolutely NOTHING is to go UP the hiney!!! The lesson was actually AFTER a thorough hand washing--and tweezer disposal--we have a few more standing by for the next splinter or stray hair.

Busy Hands, Busy Minds...

I have been running nonstop. It seems the only way to keep the uglies away (the ugly thoughts, I mean). I have made 3 small quilts and one top. Still have 2 more to do. I made Carson one to take to Day School (2 days per week). It has Spiderman on it. I made a friends little girl one that has the Disney Princess' on it. I am making Claudia one that has makeup and flowers and striped on it. And making the same friends other girl one with Winnie the Pooh. OH! Got to make Caden's (John Deer) and Calies (flowers). I only learned to sew on a machine when Mimi was here. She bought me my own sewing machine! I really like it. All I can do right now is make quilts...But I'm having fun. I'll post Carson's later so you can see it.

Carson has been to Day School 2 times. The first day he spit, hit and pinched his teacher. The second day he misbehaved so much that he was in the office and the director called me...With hints of him being sent home if he didn't improve--Thank Gawd he did--improve I mean. Little hellion. Earlier today Claudia got in trouble (just a talking to--not me screaming) and Carson thought it was funny to pull down his underwears (that's what HE call 'em), shake his naked rear at her and say "Na-Na-Nana boo-boo".

Claudia wrote "SAMAKLOS" a letter. And also wrote "Im spejlos far mi famle" (translation: I am speechless for my family.) Afterwards she wanted to know the definition of speechless...Something she has NEVER been.

Calie has been grounded for going on 4 weeks--with 3 more to go. All about her grades people. Last six weeks she went from an A in Algebra to a SIXTY-FIVE on her progress report! All because she isn't turning in (or doing) her homework--and not studying for tests. This child is smart. She has never had below a B+ in Math--she has always been on the A-B Honor Roll. So she was grounded--then report cards came out and her Math was a 73...And she was very hateful, disrepectful (mad at us for grounding her)...So she was grounded until the NEXT progress reports came out...And NOW her Math grade is a SIXTY-THREE!! She has 3 weeks to show us she is serious about her grades. And her attitude has to show marked improvement too. She hides in her room alot. So Moonpie has put a limit on her closed door--she hates that. But threatened with the door being removed HAS cause her to spend a little more time with the family.

Caden had double ear infections, a cold, 2 teeth come thru and thrush in his diaper area AND in his mouth--all in 2 weeks. It was horrible. But now he is happy again. He slept 6 hours last night in his OWN bed!! And he is Army crawling and even getting up on his feet and hands. Butt in the air--toooo cute.

I have good moments and bad ones. I had my 1-on-1 therapy last week. It went OK. I cried. It was draining--but I felt better when I left. I'm not planning on suicide or taking Caden with me anymore. Moonpie hid all his Vicodin. I'm taking my own medicine--correctly. Going to start exercising next week (once I get some of these quilts done). Mimi is coming on Friday to stay with us while Moonpie goes deer hunting (eewww). She will be here for a few days. My sister and G-ma and Mimi call me every day. Sometimes twice per day. I wrote my real mother an email (did I already tell you this?) I'll maybe post it later. It felt good to say the things that I had thought about saying for YEARS. I haven't heard from her since--and that was around the 11th of Nov. And I'm not hurt or bothered by it.

Cliff and I are OK. He is stressed out about money stuff (our lack of it)...He's going to talk to someone about consolidation. Doc (Calie's horse) is for sale. The baby horse may be put up for sale too. And the horse trailer. We have got to get rid of the things that aren't necessary so that we can pay for the necessary stuff. Like Christmas (haha) and try to get the bills paid down. Our spending needs to be slimmer too (as do I).

Hope you all are OK. I appreciate ALL the posts to me and the emails. I haven't been on the computer much in the past few weeks. But when I do it is nice to see that people are worried/thinking about me. I almost feel liked! haha