Testing, testing 1. 2. 3....

Trying to get a picture available to show off my offspring. *I* made these (with a little sperm action from Moonpie). My greatest. My masterpieces. My joys. My PITA's. http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y220/martiem/487674b4.jpg

Caden had his 4 mo check up today. Weighs 16# 3oz. 75% for weight AND height. Got 3 shots. Cried. Now he has fever and is very...clingy. And fussy. Gonna be a long night between him and my anxiety over Calie's surgery tomorrow. And I have to get my 700 year old grandmother to watch Carson and Claudia from about 2PM til whenever PM. I LOVE my grandmother... I do. I am so blessed to have her. I just wish she was YOUNGER. She has a hard time hearing. And feeds my kids chewy gummy candies that stick in their teeth and cause funky jungle rot to their molars. And she buys size 11 shoes on sale even tho no one WEARS size 11. She buys stuff because it's on sale--whether it will ever be used "because it was a good buy". She has a hard time opening the safety-child locked doors--I'm afraid the house will catch on fire and she won't be able to get everyone out of the house. So, one more thing to worry over. My Grandmother being in charge of the 4 and 3 year old--or them in charge of her?

Schedule Smedual...

I thought that when school started and it would be just me and the boys at home that I would be able to keep to a schedule. I even have one written out and posted in the kitchen a la "The Nanny" style. And when I am home, without MP, who runis even my best laid plans, it works! But chaos has ruled supreme since school started. Orthodontisit appointments. Well check ups (Caden has one today). Kidney stone attacks. Unscheduled days off from work (MP's). It's ruining my schedule! I keep thinking--when things settle down it will be better... who the hell do I think I am kidding? settle!? Wouldn't that mean that chaos would finally be contained? There IS no container big enough to contain this chaos. And when I am able to hear myself think (at 2AM) I realize...that even tho I bitch about the chaos, I love it.

My kids are hilarious. Mostly healthy (minus one bad ass kidney stone that is being evicted tomorrow). Beautiful. Really. They are gorgeous. You should see them. And I fully realize how blessed I am. Schedule or no schedule. Chaos or not. Shit smeared all over the toliet (at least he's pooping IN the toliet now). crayon on the wall (it could be shit you know). Spit up on my shirt (could be shit). I am blessed. And my wish is that all those that want shit up to their eyeballs like I have--get their wish. *I* wish that they get their wish.

I'll keep the schedule on the wall. I'll try to adhere to it on "good" days. And on bad days I'll just let the shit fall where it may. And buy another gallon of bleach.

You Say It's Your Birthday!? It's my Birthday too...

My birthday consisted of: Another kidney stone attack for Calie. A trip to a urologist. A surgery date (Aug 31st). A hamburger (mmmm gooood) with my favorite Sister in the world (my only sister). 18 million phone calls (some of which were actually BIRTHDAY calls). A steak dinner (made by Moonpie). A yellow cake with chocolate icing and strawberries (made by ME--supervised by Claudia and Carson). A pretty wet raspberry from Caden and a Phena*grin* induced coma for Calie.

Happy 37th to me!

But I got earrings and new, fabulous, sensuous Egyptian cotton sheets and a bouquet of flowers too.

Sunday...

Yesterday it rained here. A thunderstorm, really. So today dawns wet and humid as all get out. Like it *should* be raining, it is so humid. Steal your breath humid. MP is at work. Calie went to church with friends. Carson hit Claudia in the face with a belt earlier. Claudia got her revenge by refusing to share her last Dum Dum sucker with him. And at this minute Claudia is screaming "Momma! Momma! Carson hit me..." I ignored her. So now the plea is changing to "Mommy. Mommy. Come spank Carson..." I'm still ignoring her. Caden is cooing in his pack n play. But that won't last. Coffee has been consumed. Diapers changed. Bed made. Dryer going. Washer going. A l oad of clothes actually folded AND put away--and I figure that is enough for today. Right!? I mean, it's not even 9AM yet. OH! And I took a shower. I'm clean.

I like Sundays. I like the idea of a day to get your shit together before Monday. It's like a chance to start over every single week. Almost like New Years--every week. I make resolutions every Sunday. "This week I will get all the laundry caught up. And I will clean out my closet. And mop the bathroom floors." Uh Huh. yeah. right. But I like the IDEA--don't you!? Like a fresh start. A clean slate. A do over. YEAH! A Do Over!

Today is Lindy's Birthday: http://infertilitytwopointoh.blogspot.com/ . Happy Birthday Lindy--I hope this is your year. May your wish come true.

"Black Booty"...

My son can't talk. I am not talking about the 4 month old here, of course he can't talk! I am talking about the darling, sweet boy who I suspect has ADHD (only half joking there). He will be 4 in February...So that makes him, what? ummm (counting on my fingers...), 3 and a huge half! He is hard to understand. Not as hard as My Brother's Kid (any one of them actually). But hard enough.

*We* understand him better than anyone--but then we listen to him more and know his "mistakes" enough to translate them. But some days I have to say 'huh?' or 'what, baby?' more times than I want to admit. But I will admit to sometimes, still puzzled by what is coming out of his mouth--unable to catch a word and understand even the GIST of his sentence...And I say "OH! Ok..." And that satisfies him and he hurries on to the next disaster/project/plan of his. Leaving me standing there wondering "What the hell did he say!?"...

But the other day--I asked him "Wanna watch a movie, Bubba?" Remember, we live in East Texas--everyone has at least one family member named Bubba--and we have 2. His reply: "YES! Black Booty!" I swear--he was NOT asking to see a porno flick with beautiful, black, behinds in it. At least I don't think so--I'm pretty sure he wanted to see Black Beauty. An animated, CHILDREN'S movie. Pretty sure. That's what I put on anyway... "S'anks Mudder"....
You're welcome Little Bubba.

No Stone Unturned, Part II...

My first Itty Bitty Baby had to go back to the ER again (remember she went 2 weeks ago?). That *damn* stone is now lodged in her. Stuck. Unmoved since the last cat scan. FINALLY a urologist will take her case. Apparently 14 is Super Duper young for a kidney stone and no one *wants* to take it on...But finally, a doctor grows balls and takes her case... And then decides to make her wait 2 more weeks to see if she will pass it on her own. Ummm, hellllo!? In 2 weeks it hasn't MOVED. What makes them think 2 more weeks will cause it to packs it's bags and head for the light!?

So, now she is home. Pain free. Percoset and Phena*grin* RX waiting to be filled in case of another PAINFUL EPISODE. Boy, her pain was intense. I felt so helpless watching her cry and scream "where do they have to get the pain medicine? CHINA!?" After her shot of good stuff she settled down and slept. I brought Caden home and picked Claudia up from school. My Mother-In-Law had Carson at her work (oh my Gawd)...And brought him home later. Cliff stayed at the ER with Calie until she was released. Poor Sweetie slept all evening.

Now my back hurts sooo bad. From being all tense. Cliff is at work. Caden is fussing. Kids are watching TV (Popeye). Calie still resting. Drinking water. Straining her pee. Waiting. Waiting for the stone to turn. If she has surgery it will be a BIG thing for her. Can you imagine? They will go up her *you-know-what* and use a tiny 'grabber' thingy and snatch (no pun intended) it out of her body. She is 14!!! She won't let her Mommy see her *you-know-what* and 10 (or so) people will be looking at it and diggin in it to get a tiny stone out of it? She will be so embarrassed. No matter what I tell her. Poor Baby.

My New Days...

Home with my boys. Nice. You will be happy to know that I have even showered for 3 days IN A ROW! I have a schedule now. And a coffee habit. Carson is so good alone. I thought he was a roughhousing rebel. But he is really just a sweet 3 year old boy. Who loves to be outside.

Calie is liking her school and her teachers. She is having a hard time falling asleep tho. Her anxiety about school is so...Engulfing to her. She swears she isn't scared to go to school--that it's just that she can't fall asleep thinking about school. The last 2 nights she has slept with me and MP. 14 years old and sleeping with Mom and Dad--going backwards don't ya think?

Claudia loves school. Yesterday she had to go to the doctors to get 4 shots (ouch). But she was very brave. She looooves picking out her clothes every day. And taking a lunch. I wish I could get my turtle computer to download pictures to blogger...I have the cuuutest one of her--all ready for school. Email me and I will send it to you--guaranteed to make you say "Now, *really*, that is one CUTE kid!"

Caden. So sweet. So big. Apparently. Everyone says "He is so big" when they find out he is not 4 months yet (but close to it).

Ok, gotta go finish my chores. OH...And the E*diet thing was a waste. I've been trying to cut down on my (stuffing my face) intake--and I am staaarvvving all day long now. Gawd. I am so hungry.

Boob Alert...

Tonight we had a mini family reunion. In a house that was NOT designed to hold family reunions in. There was me and my 4 (MP is out-of-town, lucky bastard). My sister, her husband and their 2 boys. My brother, his wife and their 3 hellions (I mean, kids). Mimi and Poppy (my Aunt and Uncle). And my Sister's Mother. Well, *I* call her SQ's Mother and she calls her *MY* Mother--no one really wants to claim her.

When my brother and his crew arrived, I was breastfeeding Caden in the living room. I am almost a professional at breastfeeding in front of people now. I now have proof. One of my nephews came up to me all ga-ga over the baby. "Oh he's so cute." Sammy is about 10, 11, 12 (I dunno). So, he's all "How are you? What ya been doing?" Then he leans in real close to look at the baby and says "What is he doing?" I looked him in the eye and said "He's having a little boob."

You should have seen the fear. The horror. The poor boy turned white. Then red. Backed away as quick as his PreTeen/clumsy/gangly legs could carry him, lay his head down on the table and moaned "Oh my Gawd. Gross. Gross!" I am sure he is scarred for life now. Oh well.

Pour Whyte Trashe...

Ya know, I told you that we met the criteria for Claudia to start PreK here. Which means that our government considers us dirt poor. Well, that *could* be true. We do struggle at times. We have to watch the pennies sometimes. We eat IN more than OUT. But the bills get paid. There just is no *extra* stuff alot of times. Calie started High School with nice clothes thanks to my MIL. She took Calie on a shopping trip to Austin. And Calie babysat a little this Summer and had $120 to spend on clothes. And then we were able to kick in some too...so she started the year with 11 new tops, a skirt, 2 pairs of flip flops and a new pair of running shoes and 3 pairs of jeans. When my MIL found out that Claudia was starting school too she said "Oh no. I already spent all my extra money on Calie", she was all worried that Claudia would start school in ratty stuff (but was too kind to put it in those words...).

And then *MIMI* came to town. Mimi is my Aunt--who I feel is really my Mommy. She raised me (well, from 14 on). She bought Claudia (who is named after Mimi) some clothes. Some shoes. A backpack and lunchbox. Some *stylin'* stuff (On sale--but niiiice stuff). So, my kid, who is in a government funded class, will be sportin' T*ommy H*illfiger tennis shoes this Fall. And L*evis--not W*al M*art F*aded G*lory jeans! She looked sooooo cute this AM. So cute. Way high on "the cute chart". But I felt guilty. Gulity that we are 'poor'--but my kid is dressed nice. So I made sure to mention to her teacher this morning: "Claudia was SO excited to wear her new clothes this morning. Her Mimi came to visit and took her to town to buy new clothes. I don't know what we would do without Mimi. She is such a blessing to us." All to make sure that Ms. N knows that we really are poor, regardless that Claudia looks like a mini supermodel decked in the latest fashions.

The other day Calie asked me "Why is it that Claudia can go to PreK? What do you mean we *qualify*?" I said (jokingly, btw): "Well, basically, we are poor white trash." And she replied "YOU can be poor white trash, but *I* am NOT!" and she wasn't joking. But it was funny.

School Daze...

Oh Dear Lord, a few days ago a friend of mine called to ask if I had Claudia registered for PreK. Ummm, no. Here you have to be POOR to get into PreK. She informed me that we are indeed what the federal govt considers "poor" for a family of 6. OMG. This was the *day before school starts*!!! So I had one day to get her registered. Get her supplies. Get myself prepared. Get her prepared. Get myself prepared. Oh, I already said that. But I am still not really prepared.

This morning my oldest daughter started High School. My youngest daughter started PreK. Both of them had a hard time going to sleep last night. Both were very excited and got right up this morning tho. Claudia said "This is my BIG day!" Boy, is it ever. Calie (bless her heart) was so nervous. She was unable to eat breakfast. I drove Claudia to school (with Caden). MP and Carson took Calie. I can't wait til I pick the girls up t his afternoon--I hope their day goes GREAT. I hope ours does too. Me and the boys at home alone. All day. I'm afraid Carson will miss Claudia so much. And I will miss Calie's help. And I really hope that Claudia wants to go back tomorrow. Calie too.

No Stone Unturned...

Thursday I took Calie to a friends house to spend a few days. Her last *hurrah* before school starts next week...

Friday AM I was dreaming I was a winner on W*heel of Fortune...but it really was the phone ringing. Seems Calie had a BAD ache on her right side. And she was throwing up. So I called my sister and begged her to come take care of Satan and Lucifer (Claudia and Carson) so I could meet Calie at the hospital. MP was working at the hospital so if Calie got there before me it would be OK. He could just leave his patients in ICU and get Calie checked in.

When I got there, my little (ha. 14 years old) girl looked so small on the table. Already had an IV in. They gave her pain and anti nauseous meds. Then did a CAT scan. Seems she has a kidney stone (AT HER AGE!?). 2-3 cm. They think it will pass on it's own. So she was sent home (hours later) with T*ylenol 3 and antibiotics (her white count was hight too). I have to take her in to her ped on Tuesday...for a follow up. I've been forcing cranberry juice and water down her. She is loving her "patient" status. Poor baby. Caden was very good at the hospital. Cooing and making laughy faces at the nurses.

Oh! One sour (very sour) note: While waiting in the CAT scan waiting room this old man sat down and made goo-goo eyes at Caden. He said "That's one fine little boy there. Is he yours? or your granbaby?" OMG!!!! Did I look that OLD!? geez...thanks, old fart. Just for that I made sure to flop my boob out and feed MY baby. Can a granny do THAT!? I think they better NOT.

Poop Parade...

Guess what!! Carson has not been eating like he should/usually does. I joked to MP tonight that he wasn't eating because he was afraid to poop. I said this at the table as we tried to urge him to eat a few bites of chicken. or corn. He ate bread with butter on it and that's all.

Five minutes after Carson got down from the table he came into the dining room and said "I need my underwears off" (omg). I said "Have you got poop in your pants?" and he replies "Well, just a little bit." So MP takes him to the bathroom and gets hm on the potty and he finished the job (a BIG job) in the potty!!! yahooooo!

Claudia danced around the house saying "Bubba! You get a chocolate donut now!" over and over. SHE is the one who wants a donut. Silly girl. Amazing how celebratory we get over shite in this house...

Mr Green Beans...

Caden is 15 weeks old now. I promise, when he is older, I will NOT say: "Caden is 144 weeks old now!"... Anyways, tonight I made fresh green beans. They were good. We had chicken and fresh corn on the cob too. While we ate, Caden sat at our feet in his bouncy chair. And he threw a fit. So, I mashed up a green bean with my fork and fed it to him on my finger. OMG. He loooved it. He sucked it off and fussed for more. So I opened a small jar of green beans and fed him about 1/4 of it. I hope it doesn't make him have a tummy ache. I sorta dread the whole "feeding" thing. 'Cause they can't do it themselves. And it's messy. And it is tiiiime consuming. And messy. But I guess it has to happen sometime huh? Another thing--I know when I start feeding him food (and not 100% boob) that my period will come back. Selfish, I know. But I *really* wanted to keep it away as long as possible. Especially since MP isn't *fixed* yet.

Probably should have given Caden cereal first--but green beans was a huge hit. Me, MP and Caden are the only ones in the house that ate green beans tonight--everyone else is anti veggies, except Claudia ate 3 servings of corn on the cob (hog).

Makes me think of Mr Green J*eans from C*aptain Kangaroo--remember that show? Now...You know I'm old.

Shop Til Ya Drop...

I took Calie school shopping yesterday. She starts HIGH SCHOOL in a week or so... I'm having a hard time realizing that I have a baby starting high school and one rolling over (and 2 in between). The shopping was...fun, if you like watching a PICKY 14 year old try on 25+ pairs of jeans and hate them ALL. We went to 5*7*9*, B*ody Shop, G*adzooks, and (finally) found sucess at W*et Seal. OH! and we looked at Am*bercrombie.... LOOKED, I say. We walked in there and this 17 year old fashion plate walks up... "Can I help you?" I saw her checking out my F*aded Glory Shirt/capris and SHOES... I saw her mind whirling: "This W*al Mart crack whore can't afford a T-shirt in here!" I told her we were just looking for jeans. "Any particular style?" ("Wonder if Miss F*aded Glory KNOWS what *style* IS!?") "Ummm, no. Just looking." So Calie looked at jeans (none under $75). And then we left. Snuck out really.

Before we hit the mall we went to Target and bought a lightweight (cheap) stroller for Caden (he was with us). I forgot the Mack Daddy G*raco stroller at home and was damed if I was gonna carry Caden all over the mall! I had the hardest time putting it together out in the parking lot! I was determined to do it--but I SUCK at putting crap together. This little "pin" thingy was causing me sooooo much grief. I was standing in the parking lot--using the tailgate as a work station--sweat rolling down the crack of my ass... Calie stood there holding Caden while I tried to hurry. But I DID IT! But now my thumb is hurting from trying to jab the "pin" thing on to keep the wheels from falling off. And then guess what!? The stroller is so small that its hard for me (I'm too tall I guess) to push. I feel like I am pushing a DOLL stroller! But it did the job--and I made Calie do most of the pushing. I almost (and I do mean ALMOST) ran a lady down in T*arget--hard for me to steer too.

Calie ended up with 3 new bras, a new straightener for her hair, 2 new pair of flip flops and 3 new pair of jeans. Thank goodness she bought 12 new shirts with her own (and Nanny's) money! And she bought new tennis shoes and a few pairs of earrings. I think she is set--OH! Ah, she even bought a SKIRT! Last night she gave me a fashion show. I swear, she looked so grown up. Her boobies look like apples in her shirts. And her legs are so long. Did I ever wear size zero? I dont think so... She stomped into the living room looking like a participant on America's Next Super Model...I could tell she thought she looked great too... It made me feel so good to know she LIKED the way she looked. All we have to get now are school supplies. Can you imagine when Claudia, Carson AND Caden start school? We will have to take out a loan for school clothes and supplies!

Maybe I can convince them that F*aded Glory is hip and cool? and that W*al Mart S*uperCenter is really a MALL!? I girl can dream.

Speaking of Bathroom Humor...

I know I have never told you my name...But I thought you might want to know (unless you are my one and only reader--my sister, then you already KNOW my name...) my name rhymes with a bodily function. So, can you imagine the teasing I got on Lakeview Ln. (you so could NOT view a lake from our street) back in the slums of W., Texas? Trust me. Kids are so mean. It was brutal. I want a cool name. Like "Esthela". And don't make fun of the spelling either--or I'll whup your a$$. Just kidding...(but I DO like that name). Esthela is one cool blogger. Even IF she is younger than me. And single (tho happily attached to Ken)...And doesn't want kids other than her cool cats. Anyways, check out her blog (it's on my links section...). She's hip. She's cool. She's so "don't mess with ME" that I am admiring her.

Mama Butt Hair...

Ok, this is embarrassing, but it really happened. Like...5 minutes ago.

Claudia went to the bathroom and said...

C: 'Momma? Did you just tee-tee?'

M:'Ummm, yes I did, why?'

C:'Well, there is Mama Butt Hair in the toilet...So I guessed it was YOU.'

Mama Butt Hair? OMG.

Hip Hip (not) Horray!

My hip is driving me INSANE. I went to the crack (not quack) doctor (AKA chiropractor) again today. My 3rd time. My hip feels no better now than before. I really think it's bursitis--which sounds like and old persons disease--and I am not that old, am I? I think I'm gonna see a pain specialist (will he give me GOOD drugs? And I mean better than the Vico*din I eat every night...Just one, don't freak) I don't care if he wants to jab a big ole needle into my hip and squirt cortisone into it. It hurts right *now*. Plus, the crack doctor isn't on my insurance list--so...cha CHING!! And a pain specialist will just be a $40 copay! It'll be a bargain!

The pain keeps me from exercising (that and I am lazy, as lazy can be). And did I tell you? My Oreo count was a grand total of...ummm...Let me see,...10-12 cookies yesterday. That's the bad news...The good news is: There are no more Oreos in the house. So I figure that my eating them all yesterday is GOOD for my diet--right? 'Cause I can't eat any TODAY! yippeee!

E(KKKKK) Diets

I joined E*diets today. I weigh 152--want (haha) to weigh 135. I figured...It's the beginning of a month (the month I turn 37)...And it's a Monday. What better day to start? So, I ate yogurt for b-fast. Then I ate a nice salad for lunch (with WATER)...And since I did so well at lunch I treated myself with 2 Oreos (oops). Then about 3PM I decided I would eat a green apple for a snack...With a piece of cheese and 3 more Oreos (OMG).

So, I guess I better READ what e*diets has to say huh? I learned today that you can't just join--you have to DO IT. Wouldn't it just be easier if all you had to do was pay $11.95 per month and lose 10 lbs? Or of we ALL were just--fluffy? Fluffy is nice right? No. No it is NOT. Can you imagine a fluffy B*rad P*itt? Nooooo. Or a fluffy (can't think of any beautiful women--hahahaha)? Nooooo. Gotta be trim. Slim.

I'm really just looking for jeans in the lower end of the single digits. Jeans that I can wear without pain, and a gut that doesn't need it's own pillow. I would like to be able to wear shorts again...In public if needed. And I mean--"ok to walk across the road to the mailbox" public.

For dinner I am fixing baked chicken tenders (wrapped in bacon), fresh green beans (seasoned w a little bacon) and garlic/rosemary potatoes (with melted butter). And WATER. Hold the Oreos. At least til later...