Bipolar Thoughts...

My life really is a mess right now. Calie is sneaking out, lying...being 16. Carsons ADHD meds stopped working long enough for him to spray paint my washer and dryer black (in the middle of the night)...then a few days later he busted 30 eggs into his bed and carpet in the middle of the night. We started him on new meds yesterday--so far so good. I have been diagnosed as bipolar. I'm on enough meds that sound scary to start my own psychotic show (Lithium and Klonopin to name a few).

And Moonpie (AKA Asshole) left me on Monday because he "Couldn't support me in the way I needed". He also isn't attracted to me AT ALL--and there isn't even a "spark" there anymore. 12 hours later he changed his mind and begged me to let him stay-- I may be fucking crazy but I told him to get his crap and GO. It's gonna take ALOT to heal these wounds--they may never heal. But I will survive (With God and some gooooooood drugs). PS: He left all 4 kids, 6 dogs, 5 cats (and 4 kittens) and 1 fish with me. He went to his mothers (who has yet to call and check on her "daughter-in-law OR grandkids). Wednesday was his day off--he didn't come see the kids. He saw them last night.

I gotta go. I have no concept of time right now and I need to ice some cupcakes for school.

REAL Mental Illness Ain't Funny...

Thursday I went and saw a psychiatrist. The meds I've been on were not doing what I needed them to do. You know, keep me sane. Safe, My kids safe too. I was unsure about this new doctor, his waiting room looked like Christmas. The tree was still up. Holiday cards fixed to the walls....weird.

When he finally called me in he asked me questions. I talked a blue streak. My knees were jumping up and down like CRAZY. I couldn't stop them. (I tried-hard)

So now I am Bipolar I. On Lithium(300mg 2x). Klonnipin(1mg 3x per day) Effexor XR (150mg) and Trazadone 50mg. I am a druggie. And a lifetime of crazy--there is no cure for this. And I can pass it along to my kids.

I'm not happy.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not...

I know. It's been a long time. I have no excuse--rather, I have 1 million of them. If I told you everything you wouldn't believe me. Ha, you probably would! To save you (and me) time I'll be brief.

Calie. Turned 16. Grounded until the next lunar eclipse. Did you ever pull the ole 'I'm spending the night with "C"' but "C" tells her parents that she is spending the night with "D"? yeah. She spent the night at a 20 year old BOYS house with about 15 other kids. There was drinking and everything. Well, not 'everything'. But enough to ensure grounding until the next lunar eclipse. Plus she will have a "C"(!!!WTF?) in Geometry.

Claudia. Lost her first tooth. Got lice at school. Went to the Sweetheart Ball with her Daddy.

Carson. Got sent to the office at school (while in PreK!!). Told his teacher "blah, blah, blah-blah blah." When she asked him if he understood what she had just said to him. Missed 3 days of school due to fever--no idea what is wrong with him. Still ADHD (bad).

Caden. Has had 13 ear infections in 15 months. Is having tubes put in on the 28th of this month. Has moderate hearing loss. Has 15 teeth. A temper. And a poopy diaper. Hasn't slept well in 3 weeks now. Neither have I.

Moonpie. Had an episode of pvc's (skipped heart beats). Went to the ER. Where he had NONE. I had to throw the biggest fit to get him to go to the ER (it wasn't purdy). Where we then spent $600 for them to say "hmmmm... take this prescription to help regulate your heartbeat. Get a cardiologists just in case it ever happens again. Good luck."

Me. Yeast infection. Water aerobics. The FLU. Did you know there is a test for the flu? I didn't. They shove a q-tip up your nose til it is lodged into the frontal lobe of your brain. If the brain matter is green and infected then they say "You test positive for the flu!!" Vicodin. NyQuil. Tamiflu. and 4 days in a coma. And you still feel like crap. whoooeeee!

Today is Carson's 5th Birthday. But we aren't telling him. We are celebrating tomorrow (kids are out of school).

Missed you all....

Headway...

Remember that Moonpie went hunting? Well, he is due home later tonight--about 5PM. I have to say, I missed him...some. I looked forward to him calling me every night and telling the kids "No. No, Bubba...I didn't get a deer today. But I shot a HOG!" or "I saw alot of squirrels.", guess it's another empty handed year.

I did little to none housework while he was gone. I figured *I* needed a break too. Even IF I had to be here with the kids. We all piled up in the living room and slept on pallets (I did get those put up every day) both Friday night and Saturday night. I thought I would have a hard time getting them to sleep in their own beds Sunday night, but they did alright. Of course Carson ended up in bed with me after midnight--then peed in my bed.

So today has been clean it up day. Kids are in school. Only Caden here to distract me. I've cleaned the kitchen (swept and mopped too!)! The living room is cleanish and I even made my bed--with fresh clean non pee smelling sheets. The clothes are all put away and I even cleaned off the bar (Moonpie's pet peeve). My legs are freshly shaved and my hair is clean--all in preparation for his homecoming. Bet he doesn't even notice. He better!!

Moonpie lost his keys a few weeks ago. We looked everywhere for them. Well, obviously not *everywhere* since I found them today while cleaning out the kids closet. They were IN a pair of shoes...wonder who did that?! So, I know Moonpie will be thrilled when I tell him that. Seriously. No, seriously.

So, I guess I am feeling good. Right this minute I smell good and my house is cleanish. So, I am making headway into sanity. Part of my feeling good is this: A very dear friend (who I haven't talked to in a few weeks) called me on Saturday and asked how *I* was feeling and what meds I was on--because she is *very* depressed and was seeing a doctor that afternoon. I talked to her for 2 hours. She sounded pretty bad off. Thoughts of suicide. Tons of self blaming and loathing (Been there, done that). I felt good that I knew what to say--that I could advise her and counsel her. I gave her the number to my therapist and offered to keep her baby (6 months old) while she went to the docs. I felt bad that I didn't know what she was dealing with, since I hadn't talked to her--but I felt good after we got off the phone. She called me after her appt and sounded SO much better. She's on meds now. And I could hear relief in her voice that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I just have to vacuum and dust and I am done for the day. I feel like "I'm King of the World!!!"

Jangle Bells...

The kids are getting excited about Christmas. We (*I*) put up the tree the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It's a tie between Caden and Carson on who gets in trouble the most for touching the tree. Carson is doing GREAT on his new dose of meds--his teacher actually called me twice in one week to tell me what a good job he is doing. She said it's "amazing" what a difference the increase has made. I've seen NO ugly side effects either! Goooooo Team! Carson asked for Santa to bring him a jingle bell--we saw The Polar Express and he wants a jingle bell from Santa's sleigh. I'll bet he gets one too!

Caden has added a few words or 'it sounds like a word' to his vocabulary. Plea (Please). CookE (cookie). Nanna (banana). Ha ha ha (Ho Ho Ho). The cold(er) weather here has caused his eczema to flare up BAD. His legs look like scratching posts. Poor baby. I had to buy a lock for the fridge cause he learned to open it and would bring me packages of wieners or the ketchup.

Claudia had Parents Day at dance. That's when you get to sit in on the class that you pay for and SEE them dancing! She did pretty good. She got tired of doing the same dance over and over and over so she made up her own steps...I forgot my camera and video--but took crappy pictures with my phone and even crappier video to show Moonpie. Her tap dance is to Chattanooga Choo-Choo. CUTE! Good thing they have until June or July before recital...They got a ways to go.

Calie has the hots for a new fella. He likes her too--but they are moving slow (good). Football season is over but the drill team will be performing at all home games for the basketball season. J plays basketball. It's so funny to hear her come home and tell me word for word what was said at lunch. "Then he said________ and I laughed and said ________!" I hope it never ends...The 'her talking to me' thing...

Moonpie has been extremely nice the past few days. May have something to do with the fact that he leaves on Friday to go on a hunting trip to West Texas--and won't return until LATE Monday night. I told him that he BETTER bring something home...Even if he has to run over and armadillo to do it. The past few years he has come home empty handed. He bow hunts which means they have to crawl into your lap before you can shoot one...Plus he keeps waiting for Bambi's father to show up (big--lots of antlers--trophy sized) and he never does.

I've been feeling a little better (depression wise). I've been putting my plasma money on account and I have over $100 in there so far. I usually get my money before the hole in my arm clots over and have it spent before I get home. So saving it is a big thing for me. I want to get Moonpie something good for Christmas--without spending alot of money. I almost have a touch of Christmas Spirit. Today I added butter and egg to a mix and rolled out some sugar cookies--I made alot of Christmas trees, stars, angels and reindeer. Then I let Claudia and Carson spread icing on them and add some sprinkles! Of course I made 48 cookies and let them decorate 4 each before my patience was in the negative range. But it was progress... Ho Ho Ho.

Thanksgiving Host...

I hosted Thanksgiving this year. There was me, my 4 kids (Moonpie was working), my sister, her husband and their 2 boys and my Mother In Law. My brother and his family stayed home this year...I DID ask them to come. I roasted a turkey (I've never done before). Prepared dressing, green bean casserole, scalloped corn casserole, a spinach salad, a (jello pudding) chocolate pie, a cheesecake pie, thawed out some brownies, opened a can of Ocean Spray cranberries, made some jalepeno dip and opened some chex mix. My MIL fried some chicken and made rocking mac n cheese. My sister made a yummy punkin pie. We all pigged out.

I was so thankful for my guests. I was thankful when I carved the turkey and there was no bloody juices. I was thankful my sister browned the rolls--I would have burned them. I am thankful my MIL brought me some new bath towels (she believes in gifting the hostess...so sweet). I am thankful that Claudia, Carson and Caden only pooped 9 times between themselves. Tummy Virus? I was not thankful for the burnt onions on the green bean casserole. Not thankful that I forgot to do the gravy. Not thankful that when Moonpie came home he said "I hope yall plan on cleaning this place up tomorrow". And I swear to you, on a stack of Bibles as tall as Michael Jordan that it was NOT that bad--I had already cleaned the kitchen. But I was thankful that the couch was comfy that night--I slept like a baby--a baby who sleeps thru the night.

Today the dogs ate the left over dressing and the left over green bean casserole. I am supposed to put the Christmas tree up today. sigh. I have my windows open, it is so warm today. Well, warm for the end of November. And I am supposed to put up a Christmas tree today. That means I have to climb up in the attic (while making sure no one climbs the ladder behind me), drag the stuff down (without dropping a huge Rubbermaid tub on anyone's head) and then PUT IT UP! And decorate it. And keep Caden out of the tree. And clean the house to Moonpie's standards (or close).

Think I'll go eat another brownie before I really get started. OH! I bought and read the best book yesterday. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. I read it ALL! and cried my eyeballs out. LOVE IT. Get it if you can. Calie's reading it now.

More Drugs. Please...

We are upping Carson's Ritalin tomorrow. I think his little liver has caught onto the fact we are drugging him and so it is dumping the meds SO fast. He had been taking half of a 5mg pill in the AM, a quarter of a pill twice at school (10AM and 1PM) and another half at home after school. Now we are moving up to one half 4 times per day.

I am hoping that the increase is tolerated well and that it doesn't cause him to hide under tables and become depressed or over sensitive to EVERYTHING. Or say "Cookie" at everything. That was his catch phrase the last time we upped his meds. "Carson, help Claudia pick up the blocks." "Oh. Cookie. Cookie." If it does we will just back off again and talk to his psychiatrist. I am also hoping that when we go back to the shrink in December that we can move up to the patch. That will cause less of a disturbance to his school schedule.

I was at school with him twice last week. Once for a field trip and then later in the week for "Thanksgiving Dinner" (umm..yuck). He was OK...but I did have a few kids in the class say "Carson is wild" or "He likes to get in our faces too much". I tried to tell them "Well, Carson is just so excited to be at school and he likes his friends so much, we just have to remind him when he gets into your personal space". I want the kids to be kind. To like my boy. To cut him a little slack. I don't want him to become a social outcast. It is hard to explain without saying "Carson is ill. He is different. He is special." I don't want him to be labeled by his peers like that either. Ugh.

On a lighter note...Carson (and Claudia) got new Leap Frog Leapsters (hand held game) that teach numbers, shapes and allows them to be creative and use the drawing section. They LOVE them. Calie said it was the best money we ever spent on them--because the house is almost eerily quiet at times. Thank you Mimi! They LOVE them!!

A Few Pictures...

Haven't posted pictures in a while...



Calie. Every night she has to try on the next days "outfit" and I have to assure her it looks great.

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Caden. Waiting on more food.




Alice the Fairy and Woody.

Me Oh My...

Me. I've had emails "checking on me". I've had my sister calling me (crying) and worrying about me. I've had friends (Courtney) calling me and saying "Are you OK?" and even tho I know they mean the very, very best. That they love me 100%...it makes me feel so guilty. Like my depression is...I dunno. I wish it was easy to fix. That all the calls, emails and love could wipe it out but it doesn't--and that makes me feel guilty. Like I am failing them. I wish their calls and worry and "lets go do ______ today" would help but it doesn't.

I'm not thinking about suicide. It's not *that* bad. But it is there. The depression. I try to keep busy. I "do" alot with Courtney, I talk to my sister at least once but sometimes 2 times per day. I am a member of the local MOPS group. I donate plasma twice per week. I take my kids to the doctor when they need it. I wash their clothes. Make supper. Bathe them. But I feel like it is all just 'motions' I go thru... Sometime I 'do' so much that I just want a day at home. Where I do NOTHING. So I can rest. Watch TV. But then I get one of those days. Like today. And the depression is so THERE. or HERE. Maybe I need to go back into counseling. But then that would be one more "thing" I do. And maybe this is why I haven't taken that application and turned it in. Because subbing when they needed me would just be another thing I "do". Do I make sense? Well, I do to me! haha

Maybe my meds need adjusting. Or changing. Maybe I need something--but I don't know what I need. Except for a nap. I know I need one of those.

Claudia's SIX!

I can't believe that Claudia is 6. We had a birthday party for her last Friday night, here at home. She was so excited. We had family and a few friends of mine that have children her age (or close to it). I had Wal Mart fill up 30 balloons with helium. We taped them all over the place. I made her a cake and bought premade cupcakes too. We had pizza delivered. She got some niiiice gifts too. Her favorites (today) are the tea set and this digital puppy thing from the Littlest Pet Shop.

I heard her telling Carson "When you are six, then you will understand!" all about why sometimes words end in "e" but you don't SAY the "e". Smart girl.

At the party she dressed in a ballerina outfit, strappy sandals with clog heels, a hoodie jacket and her "today I am 6 years old!" ribbon. Quite the fashion plate. She has a boyfriend at school. Still the same one. They call each other "pet names" at school. Claudia calls L. "HoneyPie" and he calls her "Buttercup". OMG. The teacher finds is quite funny that Claudia signs her papers "Claudia *hearts* L." I try to discourage it gently--but her teacher tells me it is all normal (ha) and the less I say/do the better. Calie broke up with her boyfriend--she didn't "feel sparks" about him. They are still friends--tho I suspect he wishes more. I was hoping that this little update with Calie might persuade Claudia that she can be friends with L. also. But they are still an item. He even got his mom to buy cupcakes for Claudia's birthday for the whole class. aggghhh! hahaha!

I filled out an application to be a substitute teacher at a private, church based school. But I haven't turned in the application. Caden would be able to go to the day school/day care for free while I am there...and I could make about $50 per day. But it is just hard to get my mind around it all.

The weather has turned cooler. It is almost like Fall, for real. But in a few days the highs are supposed to be in the 80's. That ought to make my head cold/sinus stuff really take off. Yeah, and multiply times 20. Moonpie has been taking the kids on "adventures" into the pasture alot. Since we sold the horse the pasture is no longer off limits to them, so they are having a grand time.

Carson has strep throat again. And his teacher thinks that his antibiotic is messing with his adhd meds. He had a really "hard" day at school yesterday. One of the worst ones she said. He only has to take the antibiotic for 6 more days (when I told his teacher that she almost fainted). I am going to a 4 part seminar at Carson's school regarding "self directed discipline"...can't wait to see how that is done.

Caden is getting braver and more "terrible two" like every day. He is throwing more tantrums and hitting when he is mad/upset. This morning I was holding him in my lap at school, in the cafeteria, while waiting for Carson to get his breakfast tray...and Caden wanted DOWN. Because I wouldn't let him, he reached back and over his head and grabbed my throat and attempted to rip my skin off. I now have scratch marks on my neck and chin. Heathen. He needs a haircut. But there is nothing I love more than rubbing my nose and cheeks on the downy hair at the nape of his neck. yummy!

Calie is still Calie. Maybe my "slap her" instinct is less these days but she still aggravates me to no end. I went into her room this AM and her dog has no food and the hamster (that she has banished to her closet) has no water. So she will get the "You are so irresponsible...how would you like it if I didn't feed YOU?" lecture for the 3,000th time when she gets home. I'm sure this time it will make an impact on her. not.

OK, going to tell you about me but I gotta do it in a post by itself...

Mini Update (yes, we are all still alive)...

This will be quick, I am afraid. You see, Caden is crying, hanging onto my leg. Calie is getting ready for Friday Night performance at the football game later. Claudia is designing wedding dresses at the kitchen table. And Carson is watching the latest Halloween Show on Noggin.

I have been battling depression again--but really, when is it ever GONE?! Carson's ADHD is hard. He is having more good days than bad--but the bad is BAD. He loves to call everyone at home "dub ass!!" or "stoopid calla idiot" (we have no clue what the "calla" signifys. Maybe it is his variation of supercalafragilicious??). He rips off his shirt/pants/underwear if so much as one quater of a drop of ANYTHING gets on it/them, screaming "I'm wet!! I'm weeeettttttt!" Very fun for the teachers in the cafeteria at lunch, I am sure. He melts very easily into rage or heartbreaking tears. He isn't eating very well at school. At home I feed him everytime he says he is hungry, which comes in spurts. He passed his vision and hearing test at school (why am I surprised? He acts deaf at home). His whining will cause your ears to BLEED. But when he is good--he is very very good. I love this boy with a river that runs fast and deep. He is Woody (from Toy Story) for Halloween. The cutest, rootinest, tootinest cowboy in my land.

Calie is a bitch. She is 15, almost 16. Hateful. Selfish beyond belief. Mean. Snappy. I want to slap her. Daily. Sometimes many TIMES per day. She is MEAN to her siblings. Not just mean, HATEFUL. Her anger at them and us is so THERE that yo ucan taste and smell it in the air--like sulfur. Isn't that what the air is supposed to be like when Satan is around? Maybe I should wear garlic and carry holy water. I am hoping this is a phase. And if it doesn't pass soon she will be up for sale on ebay.

Claudia. My Little Boss. This one keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh my ass off. Yesterday she came home singing this: O Tom the toad, O Tom the toad. Why are you laying in the road? You did not see the car ahead. And now you are marked with car tread. O Tom the toad. O Tom the toad. Why are you laying in the road? Who can't laugh at that? "where did you hear that, Claudia?" "from My teacher."

Caden. 18 months old tomorrow. Still on the bottle (but not ALOT). Tomorrow I take ALL of them away. Not one more ounce of milk/juice/water will come from a bottle. Can he come sleep at your house Saturday thru next Wednesday? Nights will be a pain. Days will ache. I will probably cry more than he will. My baby. He looks so....so little with a nip in his mouth. He still refuses to call me "mama". I am "nana" (sounds just like mama, but with n's---na na.) I tell him to stop--people will think I am his grandmother, well, I AM 38.

I had a positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago. Talk about suicide thoughts. Short story--I am no longer pregnate. There will be no long story. Moonpie was great. Sometimes great doesn't help tho.

We celebrated 18 years of marriage/concentration camp a few weeks ago also. Guess what I got? If you guessed nothing you win a prize. And your prize is the same thing I got...

Gotta go. Caden is still fussing. I am still depressed. Calie is still a bitch. Carson's still watching tv and Claudia is silent...maybe she is folding the towels? ha...

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

Not so much today--but the past week or 2. Caden had a tummy virus. Puking up chunks of whole milk and Goldfish crackers. Then Carson had it. Twice. Carson is well known around these parts for 'puking while running'. He hates to throw up--so as soon as he starts (with little to no warning) he runs around trying to get away from the vile bile. And YOU try to keep a towel under his flailing head. Yeah, try. Then, on the day I thought Carson was done...He pooped on the floor of the bathroom. And Caden pooped on the floor--on the carpet--and STEPPED in it. sigh.

I had a touch of it. Nauseous. Mouth watering. Sweating. Feeling all "blech". Tired to the bone. Exhausted. I thought "OMG. I hope I'm SICK and not pregnate". I was sick. yehaw.

So, now I have mountains of blankets, comforters, sheets, pillowcases, pillows, towels, blankies, stuffed bears and wash cloths to wash, disenfect and air out. I may never get the smell of "a little tummy bug" outta the house.

3 out of six have had it--I don't want to do this again. Ever. So if someone gets sick they are banished from the house--they have to stay outside with the dogs and cats. You think I'm kidding.

Random Pictures....

Calie curled her hair once. It looks great...but she says it takes toooo long to do.



Claudia is so creative. Those are carrots for hair, peas for eyes and nose and pasta for a smile (the leftover peas are in her napkin).



Carson--during his "blue" period at school. poor fella.



Caden. Cute huh?

We Soooo Were Due For This...

No, we didn't win the lottery. Can't win if you don't play, huh?! But yesterday Carson brought home a GOOD note! I'm so excited I could scream. Yipppeeee! Goooooooo Carson! He had an "awesome day". The teacher told Moonpie, when he picked up the kids, that Carson had no "hard times" at ALL! No hitting, spitting, hiding or tantrums. He was able to participate in almost everything they did. He even helped a friend fold up his nap blankets after naptime. Without being asked! Moonpie took them out for a sundae after school. He was even able to stay on task almost all day. He was still hyper and very talkative but they were able to reason with him and get him redirected without bloodshed or headaches. What a prize.

The kids and I had a "sleepover" in the living room last night too. I try to have one every weekend. Me and the kids make a pallet in the floor and I let them sleep in the living room. I slept on the couch and Caden slept in the playpen in there. We all watched TV til we fell asleep. Everyone slept good--even me! This morning we had to get up and take Calie to drill team practice, so we stopped and got donut holes and pigs in a blanket. Everyone is in a good mood (at the moment) too. Oh happy day! Carson is playing with playdoh and Claudia is making a puppet with a brown paper sack. Caden in playing in the playpen. And I get a few minutes to chat with you.

Took Caden to the doctor yesterday. He doesn't have an ear infection (yet), but he has a horrible cough (back on the breathing treatments) and a runny nose--very nasty. Doc gave us a weeks worth of Singulair and a prescription for it. Hope it clears it all up. Poppy is coming down to the "river" for a few days--so we will go see him later. Poppy is my Uncle/Daddy. A paraplegic (Vietnam) who has had both legs amputated in the last few years (poor circulation). I adore him and so do the kids.

So it is looking like it might be a good weekend. It's about time.

I'm A Little More Edumicated Now...

I feel a little more educated on AD/HD and the side effects after talking to Carson's psychiatrist the other day. We took Carson off all meds Wednesday and will resume them on Saturday. Sure enough, his "emotional" bits calmed down. He has not had a "tantrum" since Tuesday (at school). His hiding under the tables has dramatically reduced as has his clingy (mainly to me) behavior. Mornings and drop offs at school have been almost pleasant!!

On Wednesday he goes to 1/4 of a tablet every 3 hours, instead of 1 in the morning and 1/2 at Noon(ish). We think that the emotional stuff was caused by that whole pill hitting him all at once--then his afternoon behavior was caused by the dramatic "fall off" of the meds. So, in short, smaller dose more frequently should (oh, please. oh, please. oh PLEASE!) help.

I have been reading and highlighting alot of stuff in my books--I want to loan them to both Carson's teacher as well as the school counselor, since they seem as educated as I (was). But before I loan them out I want to KNOW what I'm talking about. Ya know?

In other news...Caden is sick (again). Coughed his head off all night last night. Claudia can read (Pat ran. Pat can bat. Pat can tap. And so forth...)!! She is so excited. Such a smart girl! Kindergarten and reading. Boy, I learned how to color in the lines in Kindergarten...Back in the old days. Calie deserves her own paragraph....

Yesterday, when I went to the High School to pick Calie up, she wasn't in her usual spot. So I waited a few minutes and was looking around...And in my side rear view mirror I spot her: Walking down the sidewalk HOLDING A BOY'S HAND!!!!!! In public! At school!! OMG. Seems she got "asked out" yesterday. Her first High School boyfriend...Who happens to be the brother of a boy she had a crush on earlier (over the Summer and at the beginning of school. She has a class with her new boyfriend and would talk to him about her old crush...And came to like *this* boy better. I got to hear alllll about it--and how embarrassing it is to have sweaty palms. tee hee. AND Calie made straight A's on her progress report. Pretty good for never cracking a book huh? Turkey.

I may go back to work after the first of the year. As I am sure many of you do--we have an embarrassing amount of credit card debt...And our goal is to have NONE. But playing the lottery hasn't paid off (at all). So, if I ever want a new(er) vehicle, or my kids to go to college I may have to (gag) actually WORK outside the home as well as in it. Moonpie can't work anymore than he already is...64 (and sometimes more) hours per week is his limit. Oh well. I will surely survive, tho barely!

Hope you all have a great weekend. Supposed to rain here--and boy do we need it!!

I Hate The Not Knowing...

I hate not knowing the answer to things...Especially things I should already know. Like, if Calie tells me that she knows what I'm getting as a gift from Moonpie--it kills me. I will bug the heck out of her until she gives me hints or caves and tells me. Or if someone says they know more about a subject (like why one of the pediatricians resigned) I plead or beg until I get the low-down.

Last night Carson's teacher called me at home. Carson has been spending alot of time under the table in class. She is worried about him. Is it the meds? Part of the ADHD? Part of his manipulative mind (he IS pretty smart)? Or what!? Yesterday he crawled under the table and they decided NOT to spend time pleading and trying to get him to come out and sit/listen/watch what ever they were doing...she said he stayed under there for over an hour!!! Doing NOTHING. Just sitting there. Not really listening. Just "veggin'" under the table. The slightest little thing can set him off. At home he doesn't sit under the table--but he will say "I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm a scardey cat." and then run off to his room and hide under a blanket. He is non compliant (if it is something he doesn't want to do). He is more opositional. He even kicked his teacher on Friday and on Monday because she was "squeezing the blood" out of his arm. Really she was (gently) trying to get him to line up or sit down. Yesterday afternoon he hid from the student teacher (under a small table behind the door) and she had 3 teachers helping her "find" Carson. I imagine she was FREAKING out thinking "I have lost this kid! How do I tell his mother that I LOST him!?" I got him to come out (Claudia found him) after I sat on the floor and talked about him outloud. "I wish I could get Carson to come out here. I missed him today and I want to hug him. And I was going to take him to the park, too." He came out slowly and just crawled in my lap. We talked quietly for a few minutes--not about his being under the table, then we got up and left. He was fine the rest of the day (that I can remember).

I called his psychiatrist today--and they said it may be this evening before he calls me back, after he sees his patients. I really wonder if this is so NOT the right meds!? Or what? More time? Is there something I can/should be doing? Besides all the things I AM doing? Or instead of? uggghhhhh.

Today I dropped his meds back down to half in the AM and half in the afternoon. He had a good day at school...Today. Geez...I dunno....

PS: I just ordered "ADHD for Dummmies" from Barnes and Noble...should get it by Thursday...

Homecoming 2006...

We had our homecoming game last night. Our local team played a rival of theirs. And we spanked their butts! Yippeee. Calie's first homecoming as a Star Stepper (drill team). They did a high kick routine. They looked great.

A friend of mine (I helped a little) made a HUGE/Gorgeous mum for Calie.


A darling one for Claudia (and for *her* 2 daughters and a friends 2 daughters) and a garter for Carson. All 3 of us have daughters in kindergarten this year--so she made the teachers mums too! She is amazing. She worked SO hard. The kids looked fabulous. We picked all of our kids up early from school and took them to Calie's High School for the pep rally. The girls wore cheerleading uniforms (just for dress up--none of our girls are *real* cheerleaders) and we were a huge hit, everyone thought our kids were adorable (and they were). Check out the picture!



(L-R, back row: Carson, Claudia, Kaylee, Hannah & Ellie
front row: Alyssa)

I took snacks and gatorade to the game for the kids so I wouldn't have to buy any concession stands food (chaCHING). The kids were good about sharing everything with all the kids around us. The girls had a good time shaking their pom poms at Calie everytime they took the field. Moonpie showed up about 7:30PM and stayed until after half time, then he took Claudia and Carson home with him (he has to work a 12 hour shift on Saturdays). Me, my Mother-In-Law (the best one on Earth) and Caden stayed til the end. I made a few new friends...A third grader, a first grader and a Pre-K student--all girls. Caden was fascinated with pulling the youngest ones SOFT hair. She was the most adorable, talkative black girl I have ever had the privilage of meeting. I may even eat lunch with her next week! Me and my new friends ate some nachos and shook our pom poms the hardest!! Goooooo TEAM!!!



OH! Caden had us all in stiches. He kept "blowing" his nose on a baby wipe and then trying to wipe the baby wipe on the man sitting next to my Mother-In-Law's leg!!!

We finally made it home about 11PM and crashed. It was a happy, hectic day and now I am glad it's over. Thank Goodness my Mother-In-Law went with me. She is the best.

Right NOW! Now! (I am so impatient...)...

I want results, darn it, NOW! It has been a week now since we started Carson on his pills and I am seeing a difference...but not fast enough, long enough or good enough. I am impatient. Even tho I KNOW it will take some time.

Carson is taking one whole pill in the AM and half at school now. And he has recieved a half at 3:30PM twice (not every day--just on the really "hard" days). Yesterday was a pretty OK day. The day before (picture day ) was awful. He took his shirt off at school a few times. Hid under the class table when things weren't going *his* way. Was extremely "wild" at home... I am so tired. He is really good at taking his pills too. We give him the pill and a spoon of chocolate pudding. He puts the pill on top of the pudding and then he uses his finger to push the pill under the pudding then he eats the bite of pudding. Letting him put the pill in the pudding gives his some control and responsiblity in taking his pill. Seems to work.

I haven't seen any "zombie-ness" at all. So even tho he is sometimes easier to reason with and seems more focused...he is still a wild one. But not so wild that *I* wonder if he has contracted rabies, tho strangers may wonder...

Claudia is doing great--tho sometimes you can tell she is pushing my buttons since I am having to spend some extra time with Carson. I bought them Play-Doh the other day. It is something that Claudia the artsy crafty one adores...but the intresting thing is...Crson will sit still and play WITH Claudia and the Play-Doh for about 15-20 minutes!! So it is a good thing to do after school to unwind and settle down. I have to buy Carson a new Leap Pad--his old one (bought for Claudia 3 years ago) is broken (that's hat happens when you carry it around by the PEN! Oh well--they are relatively inexpensive in the grand scheme of things-- and that is another activity that Carson will sit still for.

Well, gotta dash-- time to take the little ones to school. Have a good one my friends...

PS: Homecoming is TOMORROW! The kids are sooooo excited They don't even know I had mums and garters made for them!--and I made huge cow bells for them to ring at the game (I feel a huge headache in my future).

*A*. *D*.amn *H*.eadache *D*.amnit.....

September the 6th. Carson was diagnosed with ADHD. We weren't surprised--heck we even had diagnosed him at home MONTHS ago! We saw a local child psychiatrist that my pediatrician recommended. We were there for 3 hours. 30 minutes was paperwork and the rest was spent with the doctor. Me, Moonpie (w/Caden) and Carson.

Dr S (no, not for "shrink") is a good doctor. I like him. He made us feel like we understood it all. He would ask us questions and then listen to us talk about Carson for a good while, then he'd ask another question. He tried talking to Carson (haha). Carson was his regular self--no good behavior just because we were at a doctors office! He pulled half a box of Kleenex outta the box. Tried to pull all the leaves off Dr. S's plants, ivy's, trees (his office is big). Pull books off the shelves. And roll an extra chair all over the room. Moonpie and I took turns. One holding Caden, who was an angel. And one chasing Carson around, saying "No. No, Carson. Put that back. Put. It. Back. Now. Please, Carson. Come sit down by Daddy. Over here. OVER HERE." It was exhausting. And embarrassing.

We left with a prescription after talking about how disruptive his behavior was at home, school, out in public...You name it. It disrupts us, his school mates, his teachers, the general public. But, even tho we had predicted this...It was so sad. Our boy is "defective". The boy who is one of my LARGEST sources of joy is messed up. And I want to continue to enjoy him--and I want everyone else too. And I am so afraid that if something doesn't change, then he will no longer give me joy. I am having a hard time grieving (that's what it feels like)--and I'm am unsure if I am grieving that the boy we have known as Carson for the past 2 and a half years (when we feel this all started, really) is not the real Carson--OR, is the boy who acts this way (a rambunctious/super hyper monkey) the *real* Carson and I am about to 'medicate' the real Carson away? Who IS Carson?! Have we ever known? Will we ever know? It hurts. Alot. Especially when he acts up around people and they look at me or each other like:"He needs his ass whipped--what's wrong with his parents? Can't they control him?" I want to scream at them: "He is SICK! And it's NOT my fault! He is disabled--cut him some slack!"! Maybe I should make him a T-shirt "I have ADHD--so you better get the F*CK out of my way!"

We left the doctors feeling good about one thing though. Dr. S said that most kids who are diagnosed with ADHD have problems with aggression too. Carson isn't as aggressive as most....Or he *wasn't*. Thursday (his first day on the smallest dose of meds imaginable--I could have told them it wouldn't be enough...) I picked him up from school and his teacher said it was a "very hard day". Yippee. I then tried to get him out of the building. He didn't want to leave. Finally I grabbed his wrist in an attempt to "guide" him from the gym...He promptly kicked the sh*t outta my leg and then sat down. So I basically had to drag him from the building (holding Caden in one arm). While he screamed and cried "You are killing me!!! Aaaaggghhhh!!! You are making me dieeee! I hate you!! I do!! Aaaaggggggghhh!!!!! You are squeezing the blood outta my arm!! I am on fire!! I'm burning! You are making me burn like fire!!! You let go of me!! Let go!" Kicking and thrashing down the sidewalk to the truck. I'm sure if everyone hadn't already saw me trying to manipulate him, tho certainly not at this level of mayhem, to our vehicle every day for the past 2 weeks that they would have called the police and had me arrested for kidnapping. I was mortified. And scared. Once we got to the truck, I opened the door and told him to get IN!!! He screamed "NEVER!!" I was about to drop the baby, so I drug Carson around to the other side and opened that door to put the baby in his carseat. Carson scrambled up into the truck (it's sorta "Texas" high/big), turned around, hit me and spit in my face. He is still screaming and crying. Now I am bawling. He gets to the middle of the cab, picks up his booster seat and throws it out of the truck and into the parking lot. OMG.

I finally got him to calm down. I made him sit in the front seat of the truck with me. After about 5 minutes he started asking for another pill. I had told him in the morning (after I gave him his pill) that the nice doctor had given Carson some medicine to help him. To help Carson. So that Carson could stay in control of himself. So he could be still and learn at school. SO he could listen and to help him mind. And now, here he is, obviously out of control and asking for another pill. I cried again. He was asking for help. 'I am out of control. You said those pills would help. I need help.'

I went up on his meds today. Still couldn't see an improvement. I am supposed to gradually (every 2-3 days) increase his dosage until we find a dose that gives us results at the lowest dose possible. But we were also warned that we may have to try 3-4 different meds and/or dosages before we find the right fit for him. I think every parent who gets an ADHD diagnosis should be put on meds too. I only *thought* I was crazy before. We were told to "Supervise him like he was two. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat instructions. Praise. Praise. Praise good behavior. Alot. Alot. Alot. Often. Often. Often." I am worn out. I am literally tired of not screaming. I really want to beat his butt--and then I remember--something is wrong with his brain. He has no impulse control.

This should all make for some very interesting posts people...Put down that clicker and stay tuned.

So, Maybe I'm Not So Old...

I did get to go out for my birthday. One of my best friends (shout out to COURTNEY!!) took me to our favorite dive...Who serve the best margarita's (well around here in a dry county anyways...). "Ain't no place like..."!

We drank a few Presidentes'. Ate a few chips. Drank a few more. We were loud. We were silly. But, we always are--even while stone sober. We aim to have a good time. We sat in the bar. Our waiter was H-O-T. There was a table of 3 guys (who were NOT H-O-T) and a girl (who was lukewarm, at best) catty-corner to us. We got ready to leave and asked for our ticket--then another waitress brought us ANOTHER margarita...On them! Of course we drank that one too.

Courtney drove. So I acted a fool. We played to music loud--rode with the windows down. Waved at all the people on the road driving by. Laughed loud. I semi flashed a trucker. Then went to another best friends house (she was stuck at home with 3 girls. Ages 5, 2 and 4 months...), she had had a hard day--so we made her laugh, bathed her baby and gave her a tiny break.

Then Courtney dropped me off at home....All before 10:00PM.

But I had a good time. I was allllll by myself. And we made it home alive and without getting arrested. Thanks Courtney!