Saturday...

I have to work a few hours today to get my new classroom ready for the Summer Session at the school. I feel almost like crap. Like I got drunk and then "played" allllll night...oh! wait...I did! LOL Word to the wise: Don't do that. Don't.

The rest of my Saturday will be spent cleaning up around HERE...at home. I woke up to find that Carson and Caden got into Claudias nail polish. Carson painted his dresser blue, green and hot pink. Also, he painted his nipples yellow and his toes blue. Yay. Not.

Mr X has to work today. Every Saturday. Then he's coming over to free the mower. *I* mowed with the ride on mower for the first time Thursday. I'm told I did a crappy job. Or rather, that the MOWER did a piss poor job. And right now, the mower is "stuck" in my yard. And since it belongs to someone else...he needs to free it and get it back "home", where it belongs.

So, off I go to turn my room into an "Under the Sea" vision for 3 yr old eyes...hope I can do that without getting seasick.

Happy weekend all. Get some sleep...you need it.

Geez..., And Now Back To Your Regular Program...

Alot has happened. I left Moonpie. Moved into my own cardboard box... dated a little. And fell in love twice. Once was a disaster. The second one is...well, its wonderful.

So... Let me tell you a bit. UPDATE....

Calie is living w Dad. Or, we will now refer to him as Clifford the Big Red Dog...CB for short. He bought her a brand new car. So she got a new car and gets to stay away from her brothers and sister.

Claudia was accepted into Gifted and Talented. Go figure--shes a smart ass, what can I say!! LOL She loves so irritate, istigate and frusterate her brothers. And me on occasion.

Carson has lost 2 teeth in the last week. He is adorable. His ADHD is realtively unde control--enough so that his teacher has decided he can advance to first grade (EEEEKKKKKKK). He is still a hand full. But precious and precocious.

Caden, Oh Caden. Talking up a storm. Back talking...told me to "shut up" this morning. Has been bitting in day care. Mean as a snake. But a favorite with all the ladies. Has a nick name there: Flash. Because if a door is left open he will RUN...in a flash...

My new Beau. I'll call him....Mr. X...we play well together. I love him. I do. I do. I do.

Me...still crazy. Still on my meds. But happier than I've ever been--really, I can HONESTLY say that. Wow.

So, there's your update for now...more later.

I Am Still Living...

Alot has happened. Calie=worse teenage behaviour ever--don't say 'they all go thru it' or I will come thru the computer and kill you (only barely kidding). At least I am not going to be a gma (yet).

Carson was switched to Strattera for his ADHD. Doing better--but his teacher is already talking of holding him back next year. Sigh. For godsake, he is only in Kgarden!! He is very very smart--but behind socially and behaviourally. In other words, smart as a 5 year old but immature as a 3 year old. Example: CPS was called to our house (loooooong story) and while I was visiting with the representatives Carson was angry that I couldn't give him all my attention--so he peed in the toybox. Niiiice.

Claudia is becoming a angel/devil. Somedays she can be so hateful. She constantly slips notes under Calie's doore like "Calie is a cry baby" or "Calie is mean and fat" or "Calie is grounded. Love, Dad" Then she can be sweet and draw a card for every person she knows telling them how much she like them and how she wants them to come over for a tea party or for an ice cream party.

Caden is showing his assertiveness by throwing toys (usually AT people), biting and pulling the hair if his siblings then running off to hide. He can talk better now. Tho we went in to see the ear, Nose, Throat guy and his tubes were coming out and he had an ear infection on once ear. sigh. He calls me "ma" and Moonpie "d". Sometimes he feels like talking in an Italian accent and putting an "ah" sound on the end of some words. "Get up-Ah, Ma. Want Juice-Ah." "I go with D-Ah in his truck-Ah." "Leave me alone-Ah!" "Go Away-AH!!"

We now have 15 cats/kittens. Moonpie keeps saying he will get rid of some of them--but it's hard to tell him which ones I don't want. We now have one in the house--he is Claudia's cat. His name is "Dirty Boy". We also have Ink, Milo, Hissy, Her sister Pissy, Lilly Belle (had a looong time), Tiger, Baby Jane and her 3 babies (one drowned in the dogs huge water bucket) and a few that don't have names--cause they are hard to catch.

My Gma. My Gma discovered she had congested heart failure. She failed a stress test and then she went in and had a heart cath and had open heart surgery the very next day, on Halloween Day. Claudia turned 7 on Nov 1st--and my gma passed away on Nov 2nd and 1AM. At the visitation Claudia went with us as she was sooooo close to mawmaw. Claudia spent the whole time at the casket, smoothing away mawmaws hair from her forehead and holding her hand. She took her High School Musical necklace off and put in the casket with mawmaw.

It has been very hard for me. Mawmaw was always the first one I called if the kids did something funny or they were sick--. Now I can't do that. She made the best cornbread. She was a real homegrown cook. Made banana bread (Moonpies favorite). Was the Queen of "dollar store" shopping. I know Wal-Mart is missing her too. I can remember her stopping to pick a lone shoe up on the side of the road "in case we see the other one in a few miles". She would buy sized 42 pants on sale for $1.00 even if NO ONE wore that size--cause you never know when someone may wear that size! And it was "Only $1.00". She brought me a tooooon of food when Moonpie left me--later I discovered that 80% was past their expiration dates.

I now wear a ring of hers on my finger. And have a few more put away (her Mothers ring). Pieces I may never wear but pieces I love. I have a few of her plants and am determined to keep them alive--the Christmas cactus is starting to bloom...

Moonpie is home now. We both are in counseling--but not together (yet). My psychiatrist sent me a Dear John letter, she is moving to Ft Hood in Texas and is dropping all her patients here--so we have to find a new doctor. sigh.

This past weekend Caden, Carson and I have had the most dreadful virus. Won't go into much detail but I have to wash my sheets (AGAIN) and every blanket/sheet/pillowcase/towel in the house today. And spray everything with Lysol (again). And I feel so weak and tired. You wouldn't believe how long it has taken me to type this post.

My best friends husband just found out on Friday that he is bipolar too. I feel so sorry for her. And for him. I hope I am not as big an ass to Moonpie as her husband is to her.

Can't get into the Christmas Spirit...but I received my 1st Christmas card today--made me smile. Vicki, I love you, man!

Hope everyone is well.Estella, sorry bout your braces--cant seem to post comments on your blog ( www.myfuckingeye.com ). But Calie is having brace issues as well...our treatment was to last 31 months and we are past that. Can you say "out of pocket"? If only she had worn her bands like she was told...now it will be early Summer before they are off...brat.

Excuse typos (or kissmyass).

Helllloooooo!?

You thought I died---didn't you!? I didn't. I got satellite internet...had trouble getting blogger to recognize ME in my new clothes...see my new email? up there... see it now? Make note of it because the old aol one is, well, old!

Got lots to say. But can't today. Almost time to pick the rug rats up at school.

Hugs and love and pinches

I Might Have Been Born At Night, But Not LAST Night...

Calie and a friend of hers watched the kids so Moonpie and I could go out to eat last night. After we finished dinner Moonpie decided we would go get Calie a new TV (hers broke about 6 months ago). So we get home about 9PM. I play with the kids and lay on my bed watching cartoons with them while he hooks up the TV, DVD and DirectTV.

I went to sleep about 11PM. Moonpie came to bed about 2AM.

The girls had drill team practice at 10AM but did NOT want to go or get up--I forced them. I'm a mean bitch. Moonpie drove them to practice then came home to work on the DirectTV in her room--it wasn't working...and he found clues leading him to believe that they snuck out last night...snuck out the bathroom window, AFTER 2AM...

When will she learn? Maybe she won't. He took her cell phone away from her (OMG--she may diiiiiieeeee). They said they snuck out (and met a boy) and drove to a friends house and watched a movie... sigh. My therapist tells me that this is all "normal" teenage behaviour...I guess I want her to be abnormal like I was and NOT sneak out.

He Is Definatley A Boy...

Carson has Moderate (not) to Severe (yep) ADHD. He tets my patience, my sanity, my ability to hold off on homicide on a daily basis. Yet, I love him more than them all. I have to. Because everyone else has a deep roted fear or disqust of him.

Right now, behind my bed he has thrown a broken raw egg. A soda bottle that he *says* he peed in. And an orange from 2 months ago. My bed weighs 2 tons. I can't move it unless I take the whole thing apart. Not gonna happen. PS: nothing stinks (yet). He is really into spitting lately. I hope it's not a "tick" associated with Tourettes. But I can ask about it tomorrow at his psychiatrist appt. I haven't been consistent in giving him meds because he deerves a break this summer (I think). I do medicate him if we will be in public (ie Birthday party) or stuck inside alllll day. But I don;t know if it really makes enough of a difference. When he comes down off his meds he is very whiny and clingy. Like 'in your face' clingy. The whining will make your ears bleed. Or your ulcer.

The other night I was sitting on the couch with him watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turltles and he looked up at me and said "Mama, your hair looks better hanging down" (I had it clipped up). So I undid the clip and fluffed my hair and said "Like this?" And he said "yeah, now your hair is as poofy as the rest of you". I said "Huh? Where am I poofy?" Carson replied "Your legs, yor butt and your tummy". So matter of fact. Like he was still giving me a compliment. Just like the males in his species--can't give a compliment and in seem sincere. Boys!

PS: He kept leaning over During the moving and kissing my arm or hand (his "male" way of saying "I'm sorry?")!

Year 16, The Year Of The Devil...

Oh my. Calie is not normal. She radiates hate towards me and Moonpie. And her siblings. Last night I told her to come home (she was "hanging out" with friends). She told me they were watching a movie and she would come home at the end. I told her "no--come home NOW". Her reply? "Mother, stop being so stupid!" OMG. I wanted to strangle her. I told her to get her ass home before I called AT&T and disconnected her pphone service. She was home in 30 minutes.

She can't wait til she is 18. She thinks she will just move out and her life will be a big party. I ask her "How will you pay your bills?" She will work. "How will you go to school?" When I'm not working. "So that leaves *how* much time to party?" UGH. Lots of people do it Mom. Quit saying I can't do it.

She hates us so much she will leave and never come back. I will never see her unless she needs money. This is not what I envisioned. This is not how it is supposed to be.

I can't leave her with the kids for very long at all. They say she is "so mean" when I am gone. They hate to stay with her.

She has a therapy appointment comeing up in early August. I hope it helps her. I really do. I need a break.

Corn. I Will Never Serve Corn Again...

I have been changing diapers all day with corn in them. And it has been the most disqusting thing I have ever looked at or smelled in all the other kids I have produced. Especially when it is smeared on my bedroom window sill.

It is days like this that I look towards the sky, not so much towards heaven, but mainly just UP to get the kids out of my line of vision, and I moan--When? When will this shit end?!! People who are well meaning (my therapist, psychiatrist) say that in a few years things will be so much better when they grow up a little and need us less. HAHAHAHAHAHA. This makes me burp up a little vomit. They forget we have a 16 year old. When Claudia turns 16, Carson will be 15 and Caden 12. This shit won't end until I am OLD(er). Why...I'll be 49 and Cliff will be 54. I'll be in Rusk (Insane Aslumn)

Speaking of my Psychiatrist...I'm begginning to think she is a figment of my dilusions. I had an appointment with her in June. I showed up and their electricity was off--some transformer crap of an excuse. So I was rescheduled for July 30th. Today I got a note in the mail and it's been rescheduled to August 31st. I told the scheduler that didn't she understand that I am a crazy person and she is making my life harder not easier. She said if I needed more meds (which I do!) I could come to the clinic and talk to a nurse (ooooooooh Goooooody).

ok, gotta go. Fight over a blanket while watching Sharkboy and Lavagirl (omg.).

That's How I Roll...

Tonight I sit here in front of my new computer...that is just as slow as the one we bought when I was pg with Claudia (2000). But this week someone who shines, who glows with a light from within, who can brighten smiles and is responsible for spontaneous parties will come into my home and give me satellite internet!!!!! I will post with the speed of a NASCAR driver. I will surf the net til my fingers shrivel. I will be happy. Calie will be estatic.

Onto other news. Caden pooped in a potty yesterday. Twice. Peed on the floor 3 times. Peed in Diego! underwear 3 times. We were thrilled. HE was thrilled. Today he wore the potty on his head.

Calie is about to start therapy. Don't ask me why--cause I'm not sure. But she has told me things that made me wish she wasn't so "comfortable" talking to me. She asked me yesterday "Mom? How do you know when you are in love?" I wanted to say "Don't ask me--obviously I picked a loser!" (tee hee)

Moonpie and I are getting along great (still no sex). I almost feel like he is my friend (I dont think I ever thought of him as a friend before). I feel less like shooting the finger at the back of his head or cussing him out from the saftey of the laundry room (where he can't hear me). I still have urges to slap him upside the head--but I am able to control those urges.

Claudia is almost 16. Can you believe it? 16. what? she's only six?! Are you sure? I am beginning to wonder if Carson does NOT have ADHD--I think all his bad behaviour is because Claudia is constantly aggravating, frusterating and irritating him. She wants lipgloss on at all times. And bosses the entire family around. Wench.

Carson's T-ball team won 1st place in their league. Carson spent alot of time digging in the dirt or scratching his ummmm...leg, so I can't say that huge trophy was due to his catching skills or tagging abilities. BUT, he ALWAYS got on 1st base when he hit! He has a new hero. Spiderman. I bought him the outfit at Wal Mart and he has worn it for 4 days straight this time. It even has a mask!

We now have 7 cats (2 of who are currently pregnate AGAIN) and 7 kittens. FREE KITTENS! Get your FREE KITTENS here!!

Bipolar Thoughts...

My life really is a mess right now. Calie is sneaking out, lying...being 16. Carsons ADHD meds stopped working long enough for him to spray paint my washer and dryer black (in the middle of the night)...then a few days later he busted 30 eggs into his bed and carpet in the middle of the night. We started him on new meds yesterday--so far so good. I have been diagnosed as bipolar. I'm on enough meds that sound scary to start my own psychotic show (Lithium and Klonopin to name a few).

And Moonpie (AKA Asshole) left me on Monday because he "Couldn't support me in the way I needed". He also isn't attracted to me AT ALL--and there isn't even a "spark" there anymore. 12 hours later he changed his mind and begged me to let him stay-- I may be fucking crazy but I told him to get his crap and GO. It's gonna take ALOT to heal these wounds--they may never heal. But I will survive (With God and some gooooooood drugs). PS: He left all 4 kids, 6 dogs, 5 cats (and 4 kittens) and 1 fish with me. He went to his mothers (who has yet to call and check on her "daughter-in-law OR grandkids). Wednesday was his day off--he didn't come see the kids. He saw them last night.

I gotta go. I have no concept of time right now and I need to ice some cupcakes for school.

REAL Mental Illness Ain't Funny...

Thursday I went and saw a psychiatrist. The meds I've been on were not doing what I needed them to do. You know, keep me sane. Safe, My kids safe too. I was unsure about this new doctor, his waiting room looked like Christmas. The tree was still up. Holiday cards fixed to the walls....weird.

When he finally called me in he asked me questions. I talked a blue streak. My knees were jumping up and down like CRAZY. I couldn't stop them. (I tried-hard)

So now I am Bipolar I. On Lithium(300mg 2x). Klonnipin(1mg 3x per day) Effexor XR (150mg) and Trazadone 50mg. I am a druggie. And a lifetime of crazy--there is no cure for this. And I can pass it along to my kids.

I'm not happy.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not...

I know. It's been a long time. I have no excuse--rather, I have 1 million of them. If I told you everything you wouldn't believe me. Ha, you probably would! To save you (and me) time I'll be brief.

Calie. Turned 16. Grounded until the next lunar eclipse. Did you ever pull the ole 'I'm spending the night with "C"' but "C" tells her parents that she is spending the night with "D"? yeah. She spent the night at a 20 year old BOYS house with about 15 other kids. There was drinking and everything. Well, not 'everything'. But enough to ensure grounding until the next lunar eclipse. Plus she will have a "C"(!!!WTF?) in Geometry.

Claudia. Lost her first tooth. Got lice at school. Went to the Sweetheart Ball with her Daddy.

Carson. Got sent to the office at school (while in PreK!!). Told his teacher "blah, blah, blah-blah blah." When she asked him if he understood what she had just said to him. Missed 3 days of school due to fever--no idea what is wrong with him. Still ADHD (bad).

Caden. Has had 13 ear infections in 15 months. Is having tubes put in on the 28th of this month. Has moderate hearing loss. Has 15 teeth. A temper. And a poopy diaper. Hasn't slept well in 3 weeks now. Neither have I.

Moonpie. Had an episode of pvc's (skipped heart beats). Went to the ER. Where he had NONE. I had to throw the biggest fit to get him to go to the ER (it wasn't purdy). Where we then spent $600 for them to say "hmmmm... take this prescription to help regulate your heartbeat. Get a cardiologists just in case it ever happens again. Good luck."

Me. Yeast infection. Water aerobics. The FLU. Did you know there is a test for the flu? I didn't. They shove a q-tip up your nose til it is lodged into the frontal lobe of your brain. If the brain matter is green and infected then they say "You test positive for the flu!!" Vicodin. NyQuil. Tamiflu. and 4 days in a coma. And you still feel like crap. whoooeeee!

Today is Carson's 5th Birthday. But we aren't telling him. We are celebrating tomorrow (kids are out of school).

Missed you all....

Headway...

Remember that Moonpie went hunting? Well, he is due home later tonight--about 5PM. I have to say, I missed him...some. I looked forward to him calling me every night and telling the kids "No. No, Bubba...I didn't get a deer today. But I shot a HOG!" or "I saw alot of squirrels.", guess it's another empty handed year.

I did little to none housework while he was gone. I figured *I* needed a break too. Even IF I had to be here with the kids. We all piled up in the living room and slept on pallets (I did get those put up every day) both Friday night and Saturday night. I thought I would have a hard time getting them to sleep in their own beds Sunday night, but they did alright. Of course Carson ended up in bed with me after midnight--then peed in my bed.

So today has been clean it up day. Kids are in school. Only Caden here to distract me. I've cleaned the kitchen (swept and mopped too!)! The living room is cleanish and I even made my bed--with fresh clean non pee smelling sheets. The clothes are all put away and I even cleaned off the bar (Moonpie's pet peeve). My legs are freshly shaved and my hair is clean--all in preparation for his homecoming. Bet he doesn't even notice. He better!!

Moonpie lost his keys a few weeks ago. We looked everywhere for them. Well, obviously not *everywhere* since I found them today while cleaning out the kids closet. They were IN a pair of shoes...wonder who did that?! So, I know Moonpie will be thrilled when I tell him that. Seriously. No, seriously.

So, I guess I am feeling good. Right this minute I smell good and my house is cleanish. So, I am making headway into sanity. Part of my feeling good is this: A very dear friend (who I haven't talked to in a few weeks) called me on Saturday and asked how *I* was feeling and what meds I was on--because she is *very* depressed and was seeing a doctor that afternoon. I talked to her for 2 hours. She sounded pretty bad off. Thoughts of suicide. Tons of self blaming and loathing (Been there, done that). I felt good that I knew what to say--that I could advise her and counsel her. I gave her the number to my therapist and offered to keep her baby (6 months old) while she went to the docs. I felt bad that I didn't know what she was dealing with, since I hadn't talked to her--but I felt good after we got off the phone. She called me after her appt and sounded SO much better. She's on meds now. And I could hear relief in her voice that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I just have to vacuum and dust and I am done for the day. I feel like "I'm King of the World!!!"

Jangle Bells...

The kids are getting excited about Christmas. We (*I*) put up the tree the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It's a tie between Caden and Carson on who gets in trouble the most for touching the tree. Carson is doing GREAT on his new dose of meds--his teacher actually called me twice in one week to tell me what a good job he is doing. She said it's "amazing" what a difference the increase has made. I've seen NO ugly side effects either! Goooooo Team! Carson asked for Santa to bring him a jingle bell--we saw The Polar Express and he wants a jingle bell from Santa's sleigh. I'll bet he gets one too!

Caden has added a few words or 'it sounds like a word' to his vocabulary. Plea (Please). CookE (cookie). Nanna (banana). Ha ha ha (Ho Ho Ho). The cold(er) weather here has caused his eczema to flare up BAD. His legs look like scratching posts. Poor baby. I had to buy a lock for the fridge cause he learned to open it and would bring me packages of wieners or the ketchup.

Claudia had Parents Day at dance. That's when you get to sit in on the class that you pay for and SEE them dancing! She did pretty good. She got tired of doing the same dance over and over and over so she made up her own steps...I forgot my camera and video--but took crappy pictures with my phone and even crappier video to show Moonpie. Her tap dance is to Chattanooga Choo-Choo. CUTE! Good thing they have until June or July before recital...They got a ways to go.

Calie has the hots for a new fella. He likes her too--but they are moving slow (good). Football season is over but the drill team will be performing at all home games for the basketball season. J plays basketball. It's so funny to hear her come home and tell me word for word what was said at lunch. "Then he said________ and I laughed and said ________!" I hope it never ends...The 'her talking to me' thing...

Moonpie has been extremely nice the past few days. May have something to do with the fact that he leaves on Friday to go on a hunting trip to West Texas--and won't return until LATE Monday night. I told him that he BETTER bring something home...Even if he has to run over and armadillo to do it. The past few years he has come home empty handed. He bow hunts which means they have to crawl into your lap before you can shoot one...Plus he keeps waiting for Bambi's father to show up (big--lots of antlers--trophy sized) and he never does.

I've been feeling a little better (depression wise). I've been putting my plasma money on account and I have over $100 in there so far. I usually get my money before the hole in my arm clots over and have it spent before I get home. So saving it is a big thing for me. I want to get Moonpie something good for Christmas--without spending alot of money. I almost have a touch of Christmas Spirit. Today I added butter and egg to a mix and rolled out some sugar cookies--I made alot of Christmas trees, stars, angels and reindeer. Then I let Claudia and Carson spread icing on them and add some sprinkles! Of course I made 48 cookies and let them decorate 4 each before my patience was in the negative range. But it was progress... Ho Ho Ho.

Thanksgiving Host...

I hosted Thanksgiving this year. There was me, my 4 kids (Moonpie was working), my sister, her husband and their 2 boys and my Mother In Law. My brother and his family stayed home this year...I DID ask them to come. I roasted a turkey (I've never done before). Prepared dressing, green bean casserole, scalloped corn casserole, a spinach salad, a (jello pudding) chocolate pie, a cheesecake pie, thawed out some brownies, opened a can of Ocean Spray cranberries, made some jalepeno dip and opened some chex mix. My MIL fried some chicken and made rocking mac n cheese. My sister made a yummy punkin pie. We all pigged out.

I was so thankful for my guests. I was thankful when I carved the turkey and there was no bloody juices. I was thankful my sister browned the rolls--I would have burned them. I am thankful my MIL brought me some new bath towels (she believes in gifting the hostess...so sweet). I am thankful that Claudia, Carson and Caden only pooped 9 times between themselves. Tummy Virus? I was not thankful for the burnt onions on the green bean casserole. Not thankful that I forgot to do the gravy. Not thankful that when Moonpie came home he said "I hope yall plan on cleaning this place up tomorrow". And I swear to you, on a stack of Bibles as tall as Michael Jordan that it was NOT that bad--I had already cleaned the kitchen. But I was thankful that the couch was comfy that night--I slept like a baby--a baby who sleeps thru the night.

Today the dogs ate the left over dressing and the left over green bean casserole. I am supposed to put the Christmas tree up today. sigh. I have my windows open, it is so warm today. Well, warm for the end of November. And I am supposed to put up a Christmas tree today. That means I have to climb up in the attic (while making sure no one climbs the ladder behind me), drag the stuff down (without dropping a huge Rubbermaid tub on anyone's head) and then PUT IT UP! And decorate it. And keep Caden out of the tree. And clean the house to Moonpie's standards (or close).

Think I'll go eat another brownie before I really get started. OH! I bought and read the best book yesterday. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. I read it ALL! and cried my eyeballs out. LOVE IT. Get it if you can. Calie's reading it now.

More Drugs. Please...

We are upping Carson's Ritalin tomorrow. I think his little liver has caught onto the fact we are drugging him and so it is dumping the meds SO fast. He had been taking half of a 5mg pill in the AM, a quarter of a pill twice at school (10AM and 1PM) and another half at home after school. Now we are moving up to one half 4 times per day.

I am hoping that the increase is tolerated well and that it doesn't cause him to hide under tables and become depressed or over sensitive to EVERYTHING. Or say "Cookie" at everything. That was his catch phrase the last time we upped his meds. "Carson, help Claudia pick up the blocks." "Oh. Cookie. Cookie." If it does we will just back off again and talk to his psychiatrist. I am also hoping that when we go back to the shrink in December that we can move up to the patch. That will cause less of a disturbance to his school schedule.

I was at school with him twice last week. Once for a field trip and then later in the week for "Thanksgiving Dinner" (umm..yuck). He was OK...but I did have a few kids in the class say "Carson is wild" or "He likes to get in our faces too much". I tried to tell them "Well, Carson is just so excited to be at school and he likes his friends so much, we just have to remind him when he gets into your personal space". I want the kids to be kind. To like my boy. To cut him a little slack. I don't want him to become a social outcast. It is hard to explain without saying "Carson is ill. He is different. He is special." I don't want him to be labeled by his peers like that either. Ugh.

On a lighter note...Carson (and Claudia) got new Leap Frog Leapsters (hand held game) that teach numbers, shapes and allows them to be creative and use the drawing section. They LOVE them. Calie said it was the best money we ever spent on them--because the house is almost eerily quiet at times. Thank you Mimi! They LOVE them!!

A Few Pictures...

Haven't posted pictures in a while...



Calie. Every night she has to try on the next days "outfit" and I have to assure her it looks great.

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Caden. Waiting on more food.




Alice the Fairy and Woody.

Me Oh My...

Me. I've had emails "checking on me". I've had my sister calling me (crying) and worrying about me. I've had friends (Courtney) calling me and saying "Are you OK?" and even tho I know they mean the very, very best. That they love me 100%...it makes me feel so guilty. Like my depression is...I dunno. I wish it was easy to fix. That all the calls, emails and love could wipe it out but it doesn't--and that makes me feel guilty. Like I am failing them. I wish their calls and worry and "lets go do ______ today" would help but it doesn't.

I'm not thinking about suicide. It's not *that* bad. But it is there. The depression. I try to keep busy. I "do" alot with Courtney, I talk to my sister at least once but sometimes 2 times per day. I am a member of the local MOPS group. I donate plasma twice per week. I take my kids to the doctor when they need it. I wash their clothes. Make supper. Bathe them. But I feel like it is all just 'motions' I go thru... Sometime I 'do' so much that I just want a day at home. Where I do NOTHING. So I can rest. Watch TV. But then I get one of those days. Like today. And the depression is so THERE. or HERE. Maybe I need to go back into counseling. But then that would be one more "thing" I do. And maybe this is why I haven't taken that application and turned it in. Because subbing when they needed me would just be another thing I "do". Do I make sense? Well, I do to me! haha

Maybe my meds need adjusting. Or changing. Maybe I need something--but I don't know what I need. Except for a nap. I know I need one of those.

Claudia's SIX!

I can't believe that Claudia is 6. We had a birthday party for her last Friday night, here at home. She was so excited. We had family and a few friends of mine that have children her age (or close to it). I had Wal Mart fill up 30 balloons with helium. We taped them all over the place. I made her a cake and bought premade cupcakes too. We had pizza delivered. She got some niiiice gifts too. Her favorites (today) are the tea set and this digital puppy thing from the Littlest Pet Shop.

I heard her telling Carson "When you are six, then you will understand!" all about why sometimes words end in "e" but you don't SAY the "e". Smart girl.

At the party she dressed in a ballerina outfit, strappy sandals with clog heels, a hoodie jacket and her "today I am 6 years old!" ribbon. Quite the fashion plate. She has a boyfriend at school. Still the same one. They call each other "pet names" at school. Claudia calls L. "HoneyPie" and he calls her "Buttercup". OMG. The teacher finds is quite funny that Claudia signs her papers "Claudia *hearts* L." I try to discourage it gently--but her teacher tells me it is all normal (ha) and the less I say/do the better. Calie broke up with her boyfriend--she didn't "feel sparks" about him. They are still friends--tho I suspect he wishes more. I was hoping that this little update with Calie might persuade Claudia that she can be friends with L. also. But they are still an item. He even got his mom to buy cupcakes for Claudia's birthday for the whole class. aggghhh! hahaha!

I filled out an application to be a substitute teacher at a private, church based school. But I haven't turned in the application. Caden would be able to go to the day school/day care for free while I am there...and I could make about $50 per day. But it is just hard to get my mind around it all.

The weather has turned cooler. It is almost like Fall, for real. But in a few days the highs are supposed to be in the 80's. That ought to make my head cold/sinus stuff really take off. Yeah, and multiply times 20. Moonpie has been taking the kids on "adventures" into the pasture alot. Since we sold the horse the pasture is no longer off limits to them, so they are having a grand time.

Carson has strep throat again. And his teacher thinks that his antibiotic is messing with his adhd meds. He had a really "hard" day at school yesterday. One of the worst ones she said. He only has to take the antibiotic for 6 more days (when I told his teacher that she almost fainted). I am going to a 4 part seminar at Carson's school regarding "self directed discipline"...can't wait to see how that is done.

Caden is getting braver and more "terrible two" like every day. He is throwing more tantrums and hitting when he is mad/upset. This morning I was holding him in my lap at school, in the cafeteria, while waiting for Carson to get his breakfast tray...and Caden wanted DOWN. Because I wouldn't let him, he reached back and over his head and grabbed my throat and attempted to rip my skin off. I now have scratch marks on my neck and chin. Heathen. He needs a haircut. But there is nothing I love more than rubbing my nose and cheeks on the downy hair at the nape of his neck. yummy!

Calie is still Calie. Maybe my "slap her" instinct is less these days but she still aggravates me to no end. I went into her room this AM and her dog has no food and the hamster (that she has banished to her closet) has no water. So she will get the "You are so irresponsible...how would you like it if I didn't feed YOU?" lecture for the 3,000th time when she gets home. I'm sure this time it will make an impact on her. not.

OK, going to tell you about me but I gotta do it in a post by itself...

Mini Update (yes, we are all still alive)...

This will be quick, I am afraid. You see, Caden is crying, hanging onto my leg. Calie is getting ready for Friday Night performance at the football game later. Claudia is designing wedding dresses at the kitchen table. And Carson is watching the latest Halloween Show on Noggin.

I have been battling depression again--but really, when is it ever GONE?! Carson's ADHD is hard. He is having more good days than bad--but the bad is BAD. He loves to call everyone at home "dub ass!!" or "stoopid calla idiot" (we have no clue what the "calla" signifys. Maybe it is his variation of supercalafragilicious??). He rips off his shirt/pants/underwear if so much as one quater of a drop of ANYTHING gets on it/them, screaming "I'm wet!! I'm weeeettttttt!" Very fun for the teachers in the cafeteria at lunch, I am sure. He melts very easily into rage or heartbreaking tears. He isn't eating very well at school. At home I feed him everytime he says he is hungry, which comes in spurts. He passed his vision and hearing test at school (why am I surprised? He acts deaf at home). His whining will cause your ears to BLEED. But when he is good--he is very very good. I love this boy with a river that runs fast and deep. He is Woody (from Toy Story) for Halloween. The cutest, rootinest, tootinest cowboy in my land.

Calie is a bitch. She is 15, almost 16. Hateful. Selfish beyond belief. Mean. Snappy. I want to slap her. Daily. Sometimes many TIMES per day. She is MEAN to her siblings. Not just mean, HATEFUL. Her anger at them and us is so THERE that yo ucan taste and smell it in the air--like sulfur. Isn't that what the air is supposed to be like when Satan is around? Maybe I should wear garlic and carry holy water. I am hoping this is a phase. And if it doesn't pass soon she will be up for sale on ebay.

Claudia. My Little Boss. This one keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh my ass off. Yesterday she came home singing this: O Tom the toad, O Tom the toad. Why are you laying in the road? You did not see the car ahead. And now you are marked with car tread. O Tom the toad. O Tom the toad. Why are you laying in the road? Who can't laugh at that? "where did you hear that, Claudia?" "from My teacher."

Caden. 18 months old tomorrow. Still on the bottle (but not ALOT). Tomorrow I take ALL of them away. Not one more ounce of milk/juice/water will come from a bottle. Can he come sleep at your house Saturday thru next Wednesday? Nights will be a pain. Days will ache. I will probably cry more than he will. My baby. He looks so....so little with a nip in his mouth. He still refuses to call me "mama". I am "nana" (sounds just like mama, but with n's---na na.) I tell him to stop--people will think I am his grandmother, well, I AM 38.

I had a positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago. Talk about suicide thoughts. Short story--I am no longer pregnate. There will be no long story. Moonpie was great. Sometimes great doesn't help tho.

We celebrated 18 years of marriage/concentration camp a few weeks ago also. Guess what I got? If you guessed nothing you win a prize. And your prize is the same thing I got...

Gotta go. Caden is still fussing. I am still depressed. Calie is still a bitch. Carson's still watching tv and Claudia is silent...maybe she is folding the towels? ha...