I normally rely on Zoloft to get me thru the day without hitting on my kids. Or running away. Or planning a party of one in the trunk of my car, with a good book, a flashlight and the required amount of carbon dioxide. And I saw today that I'm running low. I have about 30 days left on my RX. Which means I will have to go back to my doctor and say "Remember me? The crazy chick? I'm still crazy." I really need something different or stronger. I'm having rages. Ever have those? Where one minute your kids (or your life) is OK. Then in the amount of time it takes to trip over another kid or scream at the top of your lungs "STOP SCREAMING!!!"...You snap. In two. Actually in four. Shattered. Then I feel like a bitch and a failure the rest of the day. Which makes you want to plan that party I was talking about... And I wonder how you say that to a doctor without getting either your kids taken away or yourself locked up in a straight jacket. So, hmmm, I need to figure out when I can get myself to the doctor. And what I say. I will obsess about what to say up until I say it. I will probably have to write it out. Make note cards (actually I'm kidding on the note cards...). Practice in the shower.
Then I worry that I will have to stop breastfeeding Caden. I LOVE to breastfeed him. Nothing sweeter than that plump, dimpled hand gripping my shirt--except him blowing raspberries and milk all over my nips (his new trick). I have been trying to get him to drink from a bottle. I've tried maybe 2-3 times per week since he was 6 weeks old. He hates it. He will suck my boob, my fingers, knuckles, even my chin. His fingers. Has sucked a paci twice. Sucked his toy stuffed giraffes ears and even attempted to suck Moonpie's nipple--but place a bottle in his mouth and he acts like you are feeding him poison. I've tried, like 4 diff nipples too. So he would starve if I had to wean right now. So, maybe I'll just stay on the "Z" and start drinking wine out of a box or smoking weed (I'm doing that kidding thing again).
Another good idea: Claudia is trying to convince me to have a tea party (RIGHT NOW MOM!)...And her idea of a tea party is drinking tea and eating chocolate. Chocolate sounds like a mood lifter...A pretty good drug if you ask me... Time for tea!
What an asshole.
15 hours ago