Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Am I A Hypocondriac(sp?)...?

I am convinced I have cancer of some form. Yesterday I felt like I had/have cancer in a mole on my side--right where my new bra sits--sorta in my rib area, under my arm. Ya know where I'm talking about? Well, I have this crusty mole that I pick at and pick the crusty off--it will scab up, heal then get crusty again. I know, now you can no longer look at me the same way--but it beats picking crusty boogers, right?! I know it's not *normal* and I've been seeing my reg ole PCP quite regular since my "hospitalization"...But I never tell him. Why? 'Cause I know he will want to cut it off with a Swiss Army knife and then burn/cauterize my delicate skin--and I will sit there smelling my scorched skin...Watching the smoke drift into the air...Then wait a few days to get the ALL CLEAR! Or CANCER verdict.

But today. Today is worse. Today I am convinced I have cancer of the vah-jay-jay. Or Twee Twa. Or "'gina" (as Claudia calls it). I have a cyst like, jelloish, squishy, knot like thing on the pubis area of my hoo ha. Only on the left side. So it isn't like my vah-jay-jay is just "fat" (like the rest of me). If that was the case it would look normal(er). But it's only one side. One side is fat--the other skinny(ish). And the jello/cyst? It is movable--but not like MOVABLE. Hard to describe. Please have no fear--there will be no picture posting of this anomaly. I can barely bring MYSELF to look at/touch it. And now I feel the need to call my OB/GYN. "Ummm, I need to see Dr. L, please" "And what seems to be the problem?" "Ummm...My vah-jay-jay is fat on one side?" "Explain that please" "Ummm...It isn't a lymph node. It isn't an ingrown hair...And it isn't some freaky-deaky strain of VD. It is like jello has been injected under the skin on one side of my vah-jay-jay." "Ms. I really have no idea what you are talking about. We will see you this afternoon at 2PM" Then I imagine EVERYONE will want to go into the exam room with me to see a vah-jay-jay filled with Jello. Then Dr L will tell me that one side of my vagina needs to stop eating cookies and needs to get more exercise. sigh.

Oh. And my lower back is KILLING me, as is my hip (still). I go see a sports medicine doctor (a orthopedic?) on Thursday. I hope it isn't cancer eating away at my bones.

PS: I am in no way making fun of people who actually HAVE cancer...I am making light of the fact that *I* can't stop my anxiety ridden mind from making every ache pain and Jello cyst be CANCER. If I offended anyone, I am sorry and you shouldn't read anymore of this blog 'cause I will certainly offened you about SOMETHING else. Fer sure.


Anonymous said...

You just like saying "vah-jay-jay"!
Guess Who!

Anonymous said...

While I should have some wonderful, kind, sympathetic words to encourage you through this anxiety (which is no picnic to live with) I can't stop giggling about "gina". Has the cancer worry been with you previously or is it suddenly worsening? If so could it be your meds increasing anxiety at all?

Just a thought- I had some bc pills that made me incredibly anxious and paranoid and there was an immediate difference once I got off those stupid things.