You Know You Are Old When...

9:42Pm Monday August 28th: Omg. I will be 38 tomorrow. That is, like, waaaay tooooo close to 40 for comfort, man.

I am half drunk on vodka and Sunny D. Drunk enough to be happy...but drunk enough to be sad too.

You know when you are OLD!? When no one asks you to dinner and drinks for your Birthday--but your sister calls and asks you to BREAKFAST for your birthday. Geez.
Guess there is nothing to cheer you up after that but a piece of a$$ from your 43 year old husband.

Gotta go before the buzzzzz wears off. Happy Eve Before My Birthday....

Welcome To Bellvue...

I saw a documentary on A&E tonight. About Bellvue. And all the people who are checked in. They check 30 to 60 people into the ER every SINGLE DAY. Depressed suicidals. Bi Polar. Schizos. You name it. It was very interesting. Very. It made me very grateful and also so sad. I know I have my own "crazy" problems, but these poor souls were so sad. So lost. I felt like I was sane in comparison. I mean, I *know* I'm not insane...But I mean my anxiety and depression is nothing compared. And my heart ached for them. They were/are so sad. You can tell they don't want to be "crazy"...They want to be normal. Have normal lives. Live productive lives... And they have been on every medication available...And yet they still can't find that "magic" pill, the one that will set them free. Anyhoo--if you get A&E, you should check it out. Very informative too. Pray for them--or feel free to lay out some carrots for the carrot god if you don't pray.

On to other news. Carson's teacher sent a blue ribbon home on Friday. Seems Carson is always checking on the fish in the room--making sure they are healthy and happy. Gooooooo Carson!! Claudia's teacher held a small lecture on the correct and incorrect ways to show our friends we care. On the "no-no list": No kissing on the playground! I think she got the hint. There was no kissing in Friday--but she says she still has the boyfriend! Calie performed twice last week with the drill team. "Meet the Eagles" night and then a performance for all the teachers in the LISD. Friday is the first "home" game...that means the whole team will be in their Friday Night Dress outfits (that we still haven't paid for--eeek)! I can't wait to take pictures--and I plan on being at the pep rally too to video and take pictures.
Caden just finished his antibiotic--and is still having a runny nose and acting like he feels bad--and digging in his ears. He has a follow up on Aug 31st.

My throat is still hurting. My head still throbbing. Did I tell you it's strep? I took day 3 of my antibiotic today--I expect a miraculous recovery tomorrow. Hope you all are well!

Oh! Moonpie and I are doing good. His has been off Mon-Thursday for the past 2 weeks and will have that schedule next week too. Usually I hate for him to be home that much. But it hasn't been unbearable. We applied for a personal loan to pay off two high interest credit card loans. I can NOT wait to pay them off. Our payments on the personal loan will be about $200 cheaper and we can have it paid off in 2 years--at the rate we were going on the credit cards it would have been about 10 years to get them paid for. Whew.

I have been thinking that next year I may apply to be a PreK Teachers aide. Which at first seems silly--since I can't get MY kids to mind and I have little patience for them--but I really think I can do a good job. I think it will be good practice for me--and I will feel needed and important! Kids *really* like me (toot toot--that's me tooting my own horn). And I am FUN. Really. I am. No...for REAL! haha Anyway, we will see. Just an idea.

Well, it is 8PM and I have to get the kids in bed--trying to stick to the schedule--even on weekends. Hugs to all.

I'm One Sick Pup...

I feel awful. My head hurts something fierce. My throat is scratchy and sore.

School started 3 days ago. Carson is in PreK. Barely. On the second day his teacher met me outside of his classroom and shut the door (uh oh). Seems he can't mind (duh). Plus a bunch of crap...er...stuff. So, Moonpie and I have a conference with his teacher and possibly the counselor and the PRINCIPAL. Today. After school. sigh. I love this child. But he is hard to handle. More on this situation soon.

Claudia is in Kindergarden. Yesterday she told me she had a new boyfriend. No big deal. She has boy and girl friends....right? But then later I heard her tell Mimi on the telephone that she KISSED this boy on the playground!!!! So I warned her teacher this morning. WATCH my kid on the playground before she is expelled for sexual harassment! gee.

Calie is a sophomore. gawd. 2 senior (SENIOR!!!) boys like her. She got her drill team uniform yesterday. She is so freaking hot in it. Like "ooooh mama" hot. I don't think I'll make it this year.

Caden is the only baby home. And he still takes naps!!! yeeehawwwww!!

Next week I'll really start blogging again....I might have more than 30 seconds to myself alllll day!

I turn 38 soon. (next week) I'm getting old.

HIgh On Life (And A Little Vodka Never Hurt)...

I am now, as I sit and write this....drunk. So don't hold it against me. I will now stop correcting y mistaakes.

I went over to a friends house (less than a mile away on black top covered back roads leading to NOWHERE) and the husband offerred nme a vodaka and OJ. I Accepted. It was strong. I left my kids at home with Moonpie. I an feeling NO PAIN. I am feeling like Fun Fun FDun/. I played with Carsin in the floor for ever. He LOVED it. Even *I* found it humurous. I laughed and lauged. I promised Moonpie some acts thqt are better left to the imaginaation. He scoffed. Said I would b e asleep before the acts were carried out. We will see. Oh, we will see. He isn;t aware that I have 6 oz of vodka in my car. hidden away in a Dallas Cowboys baby bottle(not Cadens--someones hope that my friend would have a boy--she didn;t...had a 3rd girl).

Moonpie might feels his age (41), LATER TONIGHT (oops, caps was on) whem his 37 (almost 38)year old wife shows im what she is made of. HAHA that is funny. If you only knew how I am more of a "lay there and make lists. even tho it is GOOD" participant. He is definatley a good partner--but I just have no drive (except in my mind, with, say, Brad Pitt...or some dude that lives with a friewnd of a friend of a friend kinda thing).

So. It is 8:15PM. That is early to be drunk. I have to try and wait out 3 babies and a teenager....

Ok, I might have to admit defeat, but only this once......

Flashback To 1986...

That was the year I graduated from high school. Yep. 20 years ago. Boy, I was so young and dumb. Still dumb. But not so young. Remember that you would argue and break up (and get back together) with your boyfriend over the STUPIDEST things? Well, that hasn't changed either. Moonpie and I were getting along so well and then I went to Galveston with the kids for a week. I had a teeny tiny fender bender while I was there. You know those poles they put around gas pumps to keep you from mowing the pumps down? Well, it is a VERY good idea. Needless to say--Moonpie was very...angry with the state of the truck when we got home. I almost lied and said that someone must have side swiped me in the Wal Mart parking lot--but I decided to tell the truth--look where it got me. Things were VERY tense around here. I was ready to leave. I was/am sick of being treated like I am 14. So I threw a temper tantrum (alot like a 14 year old might throw). Long story short...we are made up--sorta.

Last week Caden was diagnosed with yet another series of double ear infections! And a viral infection called herpangina (sounds like herpes of the 'gina--but it's not). He had blisters on his legs and fingers and even in the mouth and throat. He ran 103* fever. He was miserable. Wouldn't/Couldn't eat. Sleep. Have fun. But he is better now. On day 7 of another round of antibiotic--OH! and his eczema was AWFUL too. Did I tell you that Carson had strep throat again too? And his tonsils are so enlarged that they are talking surgery for him too? Agh. We are in the poor house and two kids need surgery (Caden=tubes)--3 kids need school clothes and the checking account needs funds! Ah well...we are still lucky. We all semi like each other--no collection agency have our number (yet). And all our animals are alive and kicking. And the roof doesn't leak. But that may be on account that it hasn't rained here in months.

School starts on the 22nd here. I can not wait!! Caden got a new haircut--I shaved his head. He looks so much like Carson now it is hilarious. Ok, gotta dash--Caden is screaming. SOunds like a bumped head to me....

Me And Moonpie, Sitting In A Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

OK. We made up. Big Time. Big Talk. Big Action on both our parts. New Promises. New Vows. New Resolutions that we both want to work on.

He has really worked hard to be more positive and to be more complementary. To help out more. To work on his abrasive (not abusive) discipline. I have worked really hard to try and put myself first and be positive too. His biggest complaint was that I always seemed ran down and depressed LOOKING. Like I didn't care about myself. So, I started REALLY working out at the gym. 4 times (in a row) last week! I've been conscious of my appearance. I knew Moonpie was right when one day, I got dressed before noon and put make-up on and Carson said "You look real pretty Momma. Where are you going?" And I wasn't "going" anywhere. I like working out. I didn't think I would, since I HATE to sweat. But it is nice to have that time to myself. I plug my headset into the treadmill and I can watch an entire show on A&E without being interrupted! I can walk up steep hills and watch MTV! My heart beats hard and fast. I sweat. I have even lifted a few weights and can already "feel" a difference in my arms. My kids even like the nursery there. And I am taking them swimming in the "big" indoor pool later this evening.

I started donating plasma again this week. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I felt SO good afterwards. My doctor released me this week. I will have to see him just once more, in a month. I still have swelling and minor pain (more like discomfort) when sitting, wearing anything other that work out pants. He said. "It'll take time. That was a big tumor for such a small space." So, I guess I still need patience when it comes to my hoo-ha getting back in racing condition! tee hee...Although Moonpie did take it for a test drive...slow and steady wins the race! My doctor said "I think once the swelling goes away, you will really be pleased with the cosmetic appearance!" Uh....? Is that his way of saying "Boy! Was it UGLY before...But I gave you a face lift down there and it will be "Hustler" ready in no time!"??

Josh and Tara (my bro/cousin and his wife) had their baby boy on July 3rd at 11:35PM. Travis Lowell A. 7# and 12 oz. Mom has a 4th degree tear--O-U-C-H. Her labor was VERY long. There was meconium, decels and the cord around his neck times TWO. He came out so fast (once he decided to get the show on the road) that he literally SHOT thru the cord that was wrapped around his neck! He just shot thru the loops! He has a head full of dark hair. I can't wait to hold him and see Brother with him! He sounds like the Proudest Papa. We (the kids and I) are going to the beach next week. So we will get plenty of pictures and get lots of baby boy lovin'.

I am feeling good, healthy and whole. I love my husband and I want to have a GOOD anniversary in October. All appears right with the world (right now). OK, gotta go, the kids are ready to hit the pool!!

Hugs all around for all the comments and I even "heard" some of you--even tho you said (or typed) not a word. Love you, my "sister friends".

A Setback...

I had a very bad day yesterday. My patience was short. My temper was a very noticeable size. I had a headache and the kids weren't in the frame of mind to...Well, MIND.

Moonpie and I had a big fight. About discipline. In front of the kids. He was too rough with Carson (my boy who is AFRAID of being thrown into the air or swung around by his legs) and so, Carson FREAKED out. Then Moonpie (more like an A$$pie right now), was verbally mean to him. Calling him a sissy and telling him to stop crying and acting like a little girl. So, that got me angry. Then Moonpie was about to swing Claudia around by her legs and Caden was all excited and toddled over and grabbed Claudia's hair, which was beautifully hanging down...And Moonpie just leaned over and slapped him on the upper arm, like 4 times. Hard. No verbal warning or anything. I went ballistic. He's a BABY. I know it hurt Claudia and all, but did he have to slap--his--arm??!! Wouldn't a loud NO and swat on the diapered bottom have worked? Caden screamed and RAN to Calie, the next closest person to him.

I snatched him up and asked Moonpie to "...NOT ABUSE THE KIDS PLEASE!!" But I really didn't ask him. So. He was to rough and tough. And I over reacted. No. Really I did. You mean you didn't hear me scream at him? In front of the kids. It really upset Calie. I was really upset, too. As usual it was all turned around and it was all my fault for "freaking out". So, I give up.

I can't do ANYTHING right. I give up. Whatever he says. I'll be the maid. The nanny. The cook. Whatever. I hid back 9 Vicodin. I will need them to stay cool. To keep calm and never raise my voice. To listen to his lecturing and controlling ass. To...Mind. It is either that or go insane again.

Today, he said I should take the kids to eat lunch and "do something with them". So we got dressed and I (he is at work...He is ALWAYS either at work or working out) took them. Then it started to rain so I took them to an indoor playground type thing. A man came up to me and pointed to Carson. "Is he yours?" "Umm, yes" "Well, my son made a big domino set-up and *he* (pointing to Carson) knocked it all over." I replied: "Oh well. That's a 4 year old for you." And I walked away. Ass. I should have said "Well sir, I will beat him when we get home. Will that make up for it?"

The house is clean and spaghetti is made. I will serve him dinner then clean up. I will bathe his children. Fold his clothes and turn down his bed. Then I will tuck his kids into bed and try to sleep. Or plan the day I run away.

I hope tomorrow I wake in a better state of mind. Or mood. Right now I feel down and out. Tired. Beaten down. Lost. Like a loser.

Please don't comment. Your good comments will make me feels bad. Your bad comments will make me hate you. This wasn't posted for sympathy/empathy or advice/assvice. Or a tongue lashing. It was posted as an outlet. I feel better just "saying" it.

PS: Labs came back on my vah jay-jay. It's all clear. No cancer. All lipoma. (yay)

For Your Eyes Only...

No, no, no. Not a picture. A few links to check out while my hind quarters is out of commission--can't sit well.

(*singing*) Here are a few of my favorite things:

http://www.myfuckingeye.com/ ("E"!!!! and her own Ken Doll--and a Texan at heart)

http://ebonymommy.com/blog/ ("Y" is a hip and happening hot momma--a brown Martha Stewart even--she is so crafty and my Hero because she just lost 30 pounds)

http://www.dooce.com/ (Heather--this is who I wanna BE when I grow up)


I read a few others too--Candy B's, Kimmy's--and I will read Sam's. I read Tertia's alot...here I'll post hers too: http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/ (She is in South Africa)

Check them all out--while I apply more ice and take a big ole pain pill...

*Whine, Whine, Whine, Whine...*

It hurts. Even after taking 3 small (375mg) Hydrocodone. After an ice pack for 8 hours straight. After laying on the couch, panty-less.

It is all black and blue too. Mainly blue with twinges of black. With white stitches poking out. And swollen. Hugely. I almost wish I could take a picture and post it on here and show you. You wouldn't believe it. It doesn't even LOOK like a hoo-ha SHOULD look. It is deformed. And it hurts.

I have pain sitting. Right now I am standing, bent over the keyboard with my naked ass pointed towards the fan. I can't wear anything but LOOSE pants--I've been wearing scrub bottoms or soft cotton work out capris--but the no panty rule sucks.

I won't see Dr Gynocological Oncologist/Surgeon/Twat Destroyer for 3 weeks. His nurse called me yesterday to check on my pain. And my poor, destroyed, maimed hoo-ha. I told her that the 30 pills they gave me would not make it long. She said they would refill me when I ran out--they BETTER!

She told me I could "resume my regular duties" BUT I can't: pick up anything over 10# for 2 weeks, shower--until I see the doctor, do alot of bending or stooping, vacuum or do "vigorous" housework OR have sex for 6 weeks (umm, yeah. like that is happening anytime soon. Soooo glad she told me this--I was thinking of trying all those funky positions in Cosmo on Saturday...)

One bright bit of sunshine: I got a letter from VIC!!!!! When I get lucid and have something to talk about besides my...ya know...purple/black caterpillar between my legs I'm gonna write her back (sending you hugs...Part of your letter made me sad--but I have soooo been there). Another happy bit: My 2 friends, who live here in this one horse town came over yesterday. One cooked home made chicken pot pie and a strawberry/cream cheese pizza! I just laid on the couch and held her 2 month old. My other friend sat and visited and played prison guard over Carson and Erins 2 girls--OH! and Claudia came over and visited us--She has been at my Grandmothers since Monday night.

Now I need to go lay down. Put more ice on it. Watch The Today Show. Sigh. Later...

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat...Where Have You Been?...

I've been in a fight with the Heavy Weight Champion of the World. Well, that's how it feels. It is 6AM. I woke at 4AM with a throbbing in my loins...Not the good throbbing either. And my throat hurts. And my face is raw. Here's how it went down yesterday:

We got to Dallas about 10AM. Got my vitals checked. Blood work (again). Then sat in the waiting room for 90 min. Then I was called back. Put in a curtained off area and told to get into the lovely evening ensemble that opens in the back. I told my anesthesiologist to tell whoever does the shaving to hook me up with the "all or nothing" hairdo. She told me that they would intubate me later I was "out"--so my throat might hurt when I woke up (wth?). Got my happy shot and was happy. I remember rolling into surgery and thinking "it is BRIGHT in here" and I remember hopping from one gurney to the next (sorta). I remember hearing/seeing the anesthesiologist and my doc bumping heads as they leaned over me to make sure I was centered on the bed--and I remember thinking "What is this?? The 2 Stooges??" (hope I didn't say that outloud).

Next thing I remember is waking. Being in pain. Erica (a lovely Post Op Nurse) hooked me up with Demerol. Apparently alot of it. But it didn't take care of my pain really. But caused my face to feel as if 1,000,000,000 bugs were crawling under the skin. So I scratched. I rubbed. So I got another shot of something. And MORE Demerol. And more anti itch stuff. I was told I had been in Post Op for 3 hours. Moonpie came in and told me that the tumor was bigger than we all thought. It was the size of a lemon. Not a HUGE lemon but a lemon. So the surgery was more involved. The nasty lemon left me with a hole or indention where my left major labia was. So they had to stretch other muscle and tissue over to that area to help fill in the gap.

The *huge* dude in the bed next to me woke up fighting and they all had to get a bit mean with him to get him to WAKE UP, ROBERT! It was sorta funny to see him swinging his massive arms and everyone ducking and talking to him like he was 3. "Robert! The surgery is finished! You are in Recovery!! Wake UP! Stop fighting us! Stop it!" He just growled like a bear and kept swinging. But after he woke up he was cool. Until he asked me if I had had hip or knee replacement (he got a new hip). I just told him neither...That I had a tumor removed (but not from where). That pretty much shut him up.

My head, face, ears were itching soooooo bad. We left there at 7PM with vicodin. Ice packs. Funky pads to catch all the leaking blood. Advice to squirt myself off with hydrogen peroxide ALOT and to use the blow dryer to dry myself. Go bottomless and keep the ice on for 24 hrs. By now it had been 24 hours since I had last eaten. I got a salad from McD and ate 1/3 before laying down in the back of the car (had the presence of mind to pack a pillow and blanket earlier). Slept all the way home.

When I got home I went to the bathroom with my peri bottle, peroxide and a hand mirror. OMG. It looks sooooooooo ugly. So scary. So....Deformed (and bald). Really. It looks BAD. Like...I dunno, just really "f"d up.

I slept on the couch. Calie slept on the love seat in case I needed her in the night. Moonpie slept with Carson in our bed. Caden slept in the pack N play in the living room. When I woke up my nose felt raw and sunburned (from all the skin I rubbed off). My throat is sooooo sore. My hoo-ha hurts. BAD. Throbbing. PAIN.

Now I'm gonna go put more ice on it and watch the news. Maybe call Moonpie at work. Maybe not.

(This message brought to you by the lovely phrases: "lemon sized", "Pain. BAD." and by the beautiful haze know as "vicodin".)

I'm Scheduled...

I'm having it out on Wednesday. Today is Sunday. So...tomorrow my
sister is taking me to shop. She has a big ole $100 gift card to spend at Bath & BodyWorks...so I'm gonna help her pick out goodies (maybe a few for ME!)! We are going sans kids. Well except for her smallest. He will be in the third grade (slap me if I'm wrong, Little Sister) but acts like he is 40ish. I'm not kidding. He is very quiet. Reserved. He certainly makes up for her first one (although he is a GREAT kid too--just the opposite of his little bro).

Tuesday I am being chauffeured to Dallas by a friend. I hate driving in Dallas traffic. Plus she is from there--so she knows her way around. I have "pre OP" there. Which means we are driving about 3 hours to have my blood pressure taken and fill out 40 reams of paperwork. I'm sure that will totally piss me off. I just don;t understand why, why, WHY they can't just have me come in 2 hours early on surgery day and do it all then...

The very next day, Moonpie and I will drive right back up there for the snip-snip, sew-sew. So, at 1PM on Wednesday, while some of you are eating lunch, others are watching Days Of Our Lives (and you should be ashamed of yourselves, really!), I will be sucking gas and laying naked, white and fat on a table with several men looking at my stretch marks and funky hairline under a spotlight. Good times, people!

What I really started thinking about was...what will I wear post surgery?? Will my "drawers" irritate my site? Will I have to wear tent dress things for a few days? Will I have to have the stiches OUT or will they just fall out on their own? I really do not relish going back in (without gas) and having someone pull cat gut out of my...umm...l-l-l-l-l...sorry, can't say it. Will they shave a little strip? or the whole left side? Or the whole enchilada...or "taco"? How many times will Caden put his foot in my crotch? How many times will Carson elbow me there? How many times will Claudia ask to see my "'gina...Where they took out the knot" ?? Will sitting be a problem? Wouldn't bother me--sounds like a good reason for lounging on the couch for a few days in the prone position.

So. hmmmm. Think I'll just leave it there. End this one like this. Mainly because it is 9:20PM and Claudia wants to know it it's "sleepover night". (I usually let them have a night per week that we all sleep in the living room--them on pallets and me on the couch...they LOVE it. We watch TV until we fall asleep and sometimes--but not tonight--have popcorn) So I have to go get Moonpie out of the living room so we can snuggle down. Night all...

Pack Your Bags, Tumor...You Are Outta Here...

Saw the Oncologist today. He was Very, Very nice. Wasn't as good looking as I like my breast and hoo-ha fondlers to be--but he made up for it in personality. I got a full exam (yippee...not)...But not the finger in the "exit only" entrance, if ya know what I mean...So THAT was a plus.

We decided to have surgery to remove it. Because it is still growing. Because it hurts upon "intercourse" (gag. I hate that word). And because I want the fat outta there and sent to a lab to make *sure* it isn't cancer. I hate "it doesn't *look* like cancer...But we aren't *sure*". He said it would probably be day surgery and that I may (may. That sounds like when my kids ask for ice cream and I say "MAYbe"--means I don't think that is what will happen but I'm saying that so you will shut up for 5 minutes) get to go home that same day! And he showed me with his fingers how long the incision would be...gasp. About 2" long!! On my left labia (gag on that word too). Doesn't that sound like it will hurt? Did you cringe? I did.

He talked to me about my depression. Seems he has a background in that too. He studied psychology extensively. He even made me cry. We were talking about it and all of a sudden I was teary eyed and all choked up. Then he hugged me. Goodness--don't you know? You should never hug someone who does NOT want to cry?? Because then they HAVE to cry. But he was nice. I like him. I trust my hoo-ha to him. He told me the cutest story. He said his daughter is 12 now. But when she was about 6, he came home from work and she ran to him--like kids do--all excited. He crouched down and put his hands on her face--cupping her cheeks, to give her a kiss. She pushed him away and said "Yuck. You have been fiddlin' with "twawnies" all day." I laughed!! While he was fiddlin' with *MY* "twawnie". Outrageous. Usually I have to lay in total concentration on keeping my legs from slamming shut and I have to chant (in my head) "I am not here. I am somewhere else. I am not here. I am somewhere else..."

Soooo...When he gets back to his office (remember? He only comes to our one horse town once per month)...He will have "Tammy" call me and schedule the surgery. I'll let ya know what day it is...so you can all pray, light a candle or shred some carrots for the Carrot god. Iffen ya wanna. I want you to wanna.

PS: "E"...I can't get a comment to go on your blog. And FYI--the back of my neck is peeling--looks awful. But the back of my legs look sooooo tan. Hope you enjoyed Mexico. And I have another friend who claims to be the whitest Hispanic--she has dark hair and eyes--but the creamiest skin...It is sorta funny.

What A Memorable Day...

One of my new friends had a small gathering at her house yesterday afternoon for Memorial Day. There was "C"--her very handsome husband,and their 2 girls. Then there was "E" (no, not THAT "E"), her husband and their 3 girls. Me and Moonpie and our 3 wee ones (Calie was at a friends house). And a couple from down the road--no kids, yet.

There were 8 kids--all 5 and under. There was a fun swimming pool--perfect for the kids. But Carson couldn't play in the pool. He and I were sunburned from Friday's Garage Sale (I made $200). But he more than made up for the fact he couldn't swim. He pulled his pants down 3 times--peed in their garage. Stuck his finger in the cupcakes before dinner. Was an all around pill. But sooooo cute. I can't help but have a special place in my heart that busts out laughing everytime he pulls one of his "stunts". He is such a BOY sometimes. And such a GIRLY BOY other times. His favorite thing to say is "Ima Cow WARD" or "Ima fraid E cat". And sometimes he runs around the house chanting "Ima REAL boy. Ima REAL boy". Or he talks robotically and says "Destroy Buzz Lightyear. Destroy Buzz Lightyear..."

She served a fabulous brisket. ((I just reread my post--boy, I really skip around alot, don't I?)) Cheesy Potatoes. Pinto Beans. Rolls. A wonderful salad. And a chocolate dessert thingy. And cupcakes. I had a big ole Dr Pepper and vodka. And a some of the salad. We played baseball (sorta) in the backyard. Pushed the kids on the swings. Watched them swim and watched Caden toddle around. We left and 9PM. I had to bathe the kids when we got home, then I popped them a movie on and went to bed. Caden slept GOOD last night.

OH! And I called Poppy, he's at home now--being seen by Home Health Care a few times per week and he TELLS me he is taking his meds--but he has been known to tell me little white fibs so I don't worry. I told him "Happy Memorial Day" and he said "Well thanks, baby girl...But I'm not dead yet. Only 3/4 dead." I told him that I was thinking of ALL the men who had fought and lived AND died that day in all the wars. Because they all died a little--don't you think? He sounded in good spirits.

I also got an email from a girl that was in the hospital with me when I was suicidal and major depressed. She sounded so good. And she is expecting. I am so happy for her. I thought about her alot yesterday. I hope she is taking her meds too ("R", if you are reading...Take care of yourself, OK?).

I hope you all had a nice long weekend and got to spend time with family and friends--and I hope you had FUN--I did.

Poison Control...How May I Help You?...

Oh My Goodness. I have never been so scared in all my life. Well, I'm pretty sure I was scared alot when Claudia grabbed a whole can of pepper juice off the counter and poured it in her face and had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance--and I was scared when Calie had eye surgery when she was 5. Oh! And I nearly peed my pants when Carson had stiches and I had to do that all by myself (Moonpie was at work--but couldn't come down to the ER). But this takes the cake.

I was in the living room the other afternoon and I heard Moonpie say "Oh my God. WHO LEFT THE CABINET WITH THE CLEANING SUPPLIES OPEN!!!?" ummm...I think it was me. "Caden just got the cap off the furniture stuff and had the bottle turned upside down! THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE TO LOCK THIS CABINET!!"

I rushed into the kitchen and took the bottle away from Moonpie. 'May be harmful or fatal if swallowed' OMG. He's gonna die and it will be my fault. I asked Moonpie if he thought Caden had drank any. "Well. I'm sure he did, he had the bottle in his mouth and had it turned up as high as he could." He then tried to lecture me on the dangers of leaving the cabinet unlocked and just HOW did he get that lid off?!? I kept saying "harmful or FATAL if swallowed". Then I screamed at Moonpie that he was NOT helping by lecturing me. Then I cried. He told Calie to go with me and take Caden to the emergency clinic close by. He would stay with the other kids.

I got in the car and started down the road. Imagining they would put charcoal down his throat and then pump his tummy. And it was allllll my fault. Then I thought: "I'm gonna call his pediatrician." They advised me to call the poison control hot line. NOW. They gave me the number. I pulled over and called them.

The nicest man on Earth answered. I explained what happened. And he told me in a calm voice (while typing so fast on his keyboard) that it is only harmful or fatal if he throws up and aspirates it into his lungs. So, I took him back home. We kept him calm and not overfed. We watched him for 6 hours. They called me twice to check on him. I now have that number on my cell phone. I hope I never use that number again--but I know if I do they can help me.

So, go lock up all your cleaning stuff. Make sure the child proof caps are on TIGHT. And put that number on your fridge and in your cell phone address book--and I'll hope you never have to dial it.

PS: This was really scary and caused me to be overly anxious and I couldn't sleep that night--even after I took my gooood anti anxious stuff. And when I did sleep I dreamed the most awful dreams that should never be repeated out loud.

A Little Off The Top, Please...

I cut Caden's hair. His first "real" haircut. Moonpie trimmed around his ears and the nape of his neck a few months ago. He said he was looking girly. He even trimmed the front and gave him bangs. But I CUT his hair. With trimmers. I used the biggest guard. But it still is short. I cut off all his brown hair. Now he is totally blonde. All of my kids were born with dark hair. Carson's and Calie's were darkest. Almost black. And both of those two had the most hair. They looked like Mexican babies. Heads FULL of beautiful dark hair. Then it grows out...the hair never really falls out...It just starts growing blonde. So, they have dark ends and blonde roots. I did the same as a baby. I used to think that the dark haired baby in all the photos must have died--and they stole me away from my beautiful loving family to take the place of their black haired baby.

Caden went from looking like a little baby to looking like a little boy. He looks adorable. I wanna eat him. I wanna nibble his cheeks off and rub my hands on his head. Amazing how a haircut can change the way they look so much. He looks SO much like Carson now. Almost like twins (but 3 years apart). I can't get over it.

I swept up all the hair from the floor and put it in a baggie. It was ALOT of hair. Now I can put it in his baby book so years from now, I can dip my fingers in there and touch his baby hair--and I can sniff it and get a hint of Johnsons&Johnsons...or I can do it tomorrow!!

He is getting so big. And smart! Last night he walked over to where my sandals were, sat down and then lifted his foot high in the air and tried to put my shoe on his foot! We laughed so hard. And earlier today, Calie and I caught him clapping his hands and then "roll it up, roll it up..", we started singing the song and he laughed his head off. Could someone call Father Time and tell him to stop the clock--or slow it down some? It is going too fast.

The Picture's Say It All...

Caden's Birthday...

What's On My Head?



Now What's On My HANDS??!!



My Eye! My Eye! Oh Gawd....MY EYE!!

If You Give A Man A Chainsaw...

He will cut stuff up.

My sister. Bless her heart. She came home yesterday around 3:15PM to find that the HUGE oak tree that shaded her boys "fort", no longer did so. Her mighty oak was missing more than a few limbs. And the evidence was strewn all over her driveway and yard. She found a note from the local electric or phone idiots (forget which group was responsible) saying "We'll be back on Monday to finish the job". She is, to put it mildly, PISSED. She tells me that limbs that were not interfering with any "lines" were cut off. That her gate (you have to open her gate to get on her property) wasn't latched and that one of her dogs was roaming the neighborhood. They threw a nasty cigarette package on the ground, too. She is not happy. She has hinted that she will be there on Monday with a firearm, barring access to her property. If I was them...I'd be scared. I hope she doesn't get arrested. I am short on bail money this month.

She may be short. She may look meek and mild (actually she doesn't). But she carries a huge can of Texas-sized "Whoop Ass"--and she WILL open it up on ya. If I was brave I'd hide in her house and catch it all on tape. But I'm afraid. Very afraid.

And You Wonder Why I Am "Crazy" (aka Insane)...

The past 17-18 days, Cliff Notes Version:

On the 30th Claudia was dx with an ear infection, a few days later Carson was too--along with strep. He puked (that word really describes it well too) on me twice. On himself twice. Pooped his pants once. On the floor 1/2 a time. Got a shot once (but stabbed twice). 3 copays at $20 each= $60 that was probably owed to the electric company.


All 3 on antibiotics (but different ones). One "pink kind" @ 2 tsp, 3 times per day. One white kind @ 1 tsp (or 5.5 ml) 2 times per day. This one needed a straight jacket and 30 minutes of bribery. EACH time. Another white kind. Can't remember the dosage--but we finished it I promise. $10 + $10 + $10 = $30 that was probably owed to the lunch ladies for Claudia's seriously over drawn account.

BOTH pregnate cats (Greycee and Maycee) gave birth one the same day... in the same place...we now own 7 kittens, 3 cats, 4 dogs, 1 horse, and a partridge in a pear tree. The animals food costs more than ours now. PS: The Mama cats are tag teaming it. We have no idea who's babies are who's...they have no idea either. A mama is nursing 24/7. OUTSIDE, in the barn.

Calie met a 17 year old boy. That she likes. He is bad. He has done (prob still does) drugs. Has had sex. Hasn't graduated high school (cause he isn't GOING). Lost his driver's license--I mean it was TAKEN from him for too many speeding tickets. And he callllled her!! wth!? But he lives in another town (she met him at her best friends house). So, there will be no "dating" this dude. Ever. Ever.

Had my MRI. The tumor "appears to be a 'lipoma'--" Which is fancy talk for a fatty tumor--a glob of chicken fat. But I'm seeing the oncologist anyways--since the MRI can't say "malignant". AND they found an ovarian cyst measuring 2.7 X 3.something on the opposite side of my body. Did I tell them to look for other things? No. I've had cysts before. 3 that I know of. ALL 3 sent me to the ER (once while pregnate with Claudia)--when they busted open and spilled their VENOM inside my body. So, of course my GYN wants me to wait until June 7th to "see if it has shrunk" Ha. yeah, right.

My Mother In Law (whom I ADORE), gave me kitchen towels for Mother's Day. And she bought a necklace (I am sooooooo not a jewelry person that I won't even be able to describe it other than): It is gold. Has a mom and baby on it. and either diamond are good look a likes. She gave it to Cliff to give to me "from the kids". Is it really ungrateful to say that I really wanted a new digital camera? OH YEAH!!! Cliff broke my camera--so now I am using a throw away instead of my Olympus Camedia. (sniff)

I started donating plasma for $50 per week. Plus, it makes me feel good about myself.

Took Caden back to the doctor. He has another (or still) ear infection in one ear--AND they gave him a breathing treatment, on account he has been coughing and wheezing..for days. Seems it helped ALOT. So we now own a machine. And I get to hold him and blow smoke up his mouth/nose 4-5 times per day, while he screams bloody murder. So now he's on the "z" antibiotic--which doesn't come in generic. $35 copay for the machine. $50 in antibiotics and liquid smoke. $20 copay at the docs = $105, all in one day...no food included.

Registered Carson for Pre-K next year (a thing both longed for and dreamed of).

and the best thing that has happened in the last 17-18 days?? I drank a sangria margarita! And was nearly drunk for 45 minutes. Ahhh, bliss.

Can't wait to see what is going to happen next!!!!

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Wanna...

Friday, Caden turned one year old! Can you believe it? I can't. And he is walking further. He walks like a drunk monkey.

He hated (mostly) his party. He has had a runny nose and hadn't slept good in a few days. He was Mr. Fussy. When we gave him his own cake he had to be forced to touch it. Then, after he got icing on his hands it went all down hill. He hated the icing on his hands. Then he rubbed his face--getting icing all over it and IN his eye.

There was quite a few people here. Luckily it didn't rain. Moonpie grilled 16 hotdogs and 30 hamburgers--and all but 1 wiener and 2 patties were eaten. Kids seemed to have a good time. I think Moonpie let a few kids ride on the horse. And they loved running and playing in the backyard. All smokers stayed on the back deck. Caden got clothes, The Baby Leap Pad, Mega block, The Leap Pad caterpillar, bath tub toys, A Talking Dog, A T-Ball toy, and a few others (can't remember them all right now).

The next day (Saturday) I took him to the doctors...His runny nose, sleep deprivation for us both...I was thinking ear infection (AGAIN!!!). Turns out I was right. Both ears (again!!). I'm calling his pedi tomorrow--I took him to the clinic here in our bitty town...pedi is in bigger town 45 min away. Thought I'd save us a few $$ in gas money by going here. I am so sick of him having these ear infections. He's had about ear infections in 5 out of the last seven months.

So, today he is still Fussy. No fever. He is sleeping better. But I'm not. Thursday I took Claudia in to the docs...ear infection for her also. And TODAY I took Carson in. He has an ear infection AND strep throat. I am so tired. Everyone is fussy. Even me. 3 kids are on antibiotics.

OH, I went to see my GYN Thursday also. To have a check up on the ole HooHa. The tumor thing. Seems it has grown to almost 7 cm. OMG. He wants me to go to Dallas to a specialist. Some sorta GYN/Oncologist. But I am having an MRI here first. The MRI is on Wednesday. Please pray or burn incense or lay out carrots or whatever you religion requires. Lets hope this is just an obese left side of my HooHa (I'm not just a fat ass--but a fat HooHa as well)--and not CANccccccccER. And if you have chemo, does it make ALL (as in ALL) of your "hair" fall out? Like on your head, arms, legs and your, ummm....you know...AND your HooHa? That would be sooooo weird.

OK. Lets hope everyone takes all their meds. I had to take Carson back to Direct Care to get a shot--he has refused to take his antibiotic all day. Is still running 102* fever...and is so lethargic and quiet that I'm wishing he would be back to his ole ADHD self. (What am I thinking???)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg!!!!

Bye Bye, Bipolar...

I hate bipolar. I do. It is a sucky thing to have and to witness. My Poppy (my Uncle who raised me--and I consider him my Daddy) is bipolar. He is a disabled vet of Vietnam. Paralyzed from mid chest down. Lost both legs in the last 5 years due to poor circulation. Has gone off the deep end on several occasions.

And now again he is off in his own world. He isn't the best about taking his meds. Or rather he will be good for a while--maybe a year--then go off them. Drink. Stay up for days. Not eat or take care of himself. Then he gets bad pressure sores that get MAJORALLY infected.

And his mind. wow. On Saturday he went "shopping". Have you ever seen a bipolar go shopping?? When they are on a high!? It's bad. He just bought $1500 worth of guns. THAT is scary. Later today me, my brother (who Poppy is close to) and Mimi ( his wife and my Aunt/Mother) are going to do an intervention of sorts. We have to convince him to go to Houston to the VA Hospital. He is convinced that The Houston VA is out to "get him"--so it will be hard. But he HAS to go. His butt is infected. He is trying to get my Aunt to cash a $30,000 cd for him. So he can go buy what? Guns for everyone he knows? A car? A sailboat (he has bought these things in the past!)?

Think of me...I have a love as deep as the ocean for this man. And today he will be mean to me and I to him. He will say hateful things to me. And crazy things. And I will say ANYTHING to get him help. My Daddy is sick. And I just want him well. And alive.

I wish I could kick Bipolar in the ASS! I hate it.