*A*. *D*.amn *H*.eadache *D*.amnit.....

September the 6th. Carson was diagnosed with ADHD. We weren't surprised--heck we even had diagnosed him at home MONTHS ago! We saw a local child psychiatrist that my pediatrician recommended. We were there for 3 hours. 30 minutes was paperwork and the rest was spent with the doctor. Me, Moonpie (w/Caden) and Carson.

Dr S (no, not for "shrink") is a good doctor. I like him. He made us feel like we understood it all. He would ask us questions and then listen to us talk about Carson for a good while, then he'd ask another question. He tried talking to Carson (haha). Carson was his regular self--no good behavior just because we were at a doctors office! He pulled half a box of Kleenex outta the box. Tried to pull all the leaves off Dr. S's plants, ivy's, trees (his office is big). Pull books off the shelves. And roll an extra chair all over the room. Moonpie and I took turns. One holding Caden, who was an angel. And one chasing Carson around, saying "No. No, Carson. Put that back. Put. It. Back. Now. Please, Carson. Come sit down by Daddy. Over here. OVER HERE." It was exhausting. And embarrassing.

We left with a prescription after talking about how disruptive his behavior was at home, school, out in public...You name it. It disrupts us, his school mates, his teachers, the general public. But, even tho we had predicted this...It was so sad. Our boy is "defective". The boy who is one of my LARGEST sources of joy is messed up. And I want to continue to enjoy him--and I want everyone else too. And I am so afraid that if something doesn't change, then he will no longer give me joy. I am having a hard time grieving (that's what it feels like)--and I'm am unsure if I am grieving that the boy we have known as Carson for the past 2 and a half years (when we feel this all started, really) is not the real Carson--OR, is the boy who acts this way (a rambunctious/super hyper monkey) the *real* Carson and I am about to 'medicate' the real Carson away? Who IS Carson?! Have we ever known? Will we ever know? It hurts. Alot. Especially when he acts up around people and they look at me or each other like:"He needs his ass whipped--what's wrong with his parents? Can't they control him?" I want to scream at them: "He is SICK! And it's NOT my fault! He is disabled--cut him some slack!"! Maybe I should make him a T-shirt "I have ADHD--so you better get the F*CK out of my way!"

We left the doctors feeling good about one thing though. Dr. S said that most kids who are diagnosed with ADHD have problems with aggression too. Carson isn't as aggressive as most....Or he *wasn't*. Thursday (his first day on the smallest dose of meds imaginable--I could have told them it wouldn't be enough...) I picked him up from school and his teacher said it was a "very hard day". Yippee. I then tried to get him out of the building. He didn't want to leave. Finally I grabbed his wrist in an attempt to "guide" him from the gym...He promptly kicked the sh*t outta my leg and then sat down. So I basically had to drag him from the building (holding Caden in one arm). While he screamed and cried "You are killing me!!! Aaaaggghhhh!!! You are making me dieeee! I hate you!! I do!! Aaaaggggggghhh!!!!! You are squeezing the blood outta my arm!! I am on fire!! I'm burning! You are making me burn like fire!!! You let go of me!! Let go!" Kicking and thrashing down the sidewalk to the truck. I'm sure if everyone hadn't already saw me trying to manipulate him, tho certainly not at this level of mayhem, to our vehicle every day for the past 2 weeks that they would have called the police and had me arrested for kidnapping. I was mortified. And scared. Once we got to the truck, I opened the door and told him to get IN!!! He screamed "NEVER!!" I was about to drop the baby, so I drug Carson around to the other side and opened that door to put the baby in his carseat. Carson scrambled up into the truck (it's sorta "Texas" high/big), turned around, hit me and spit in my face. He is still screaming and crying. Now I am bawling. He gets to the middle of the cab, picks up his booster seat and throws it out of the truck and into the parking lot. OMG.

I finally got him to calm down. I made him sit in the front seat of the truck with me. After about 5 minutes he started asking for another pill. I had told him in the morning (after I gave him his pill) that the nice doctor had given Carson some medicine to help him. To help Carson. So that Carson could stay in control of himself. So he could be still and learn at school. SO he could listen and to help him mind. And now, here he is, obviously out of control and asking for another pill. I cried again. He was asking for help. 'I am out of control. You said those pills would help. I need help.'

I went up on his meds today. Still couldn't see an improvement. I am supposed to gradually (every 2-3 days) increase his dosage until we find a dose that gives us results at the lowest dose possible. But we were also warned that we may have to try 3-4 different meds and/or dosages before we find the right fit for him. I think every parent who gets an ADHD diagnosis should be put on meds too. I only *thought* I was crazy before. We were told to "Supervise him like he was two. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat instructions. Praise. Praise. Praise good behavior. Alot. Alot. Alot. Often. Often. Often." I am worn out. I am literally tired of not screaming. I really want to beat his butt--and then I remember--something is wrong with his brain. He has no impulse control.

This should all make for some very interesting posts people...Put down that clicker and stay tuned.

So, Maybe I'm Not So Old...

I did get to go out for my birthday. One of my best friends (shout out to COURTNEY!!) took me to our favorite dive...Who serve the best margarita's (well around here in a dry county anyways...). "Ain't no place like..."!

We drank a few Presidentes'. Ate a few chips. Drank a few more. We were loud. We were silly. But, we always are--even while stone sober. We aim to have a good time. We sat in the bar. Our waiter was H-O-T. There was a table of 3 guys (who were NOT H-O-T) and a girl (who was lukewarm, at best) catty-corner to us. We got ready to leave and asked for our ticket--then another waitress brought us ANOTHER margarita...On them! Of course we drank that one too.

Courtney drove. So I acted a fool. We played to music loud--rode with the windows down. Waved at all the people on the road driving by. Laughed loud. I semi flashed a trucker. Then went to another best friends house (she was stuck at home with 3 girls. Ages 5, 2 and 4 months...), she had had a hard day--so we made her laugh, bathed her baby and gave her a tiny break.

Then Courtney dropped me off at home....All before 10:00PM.

But I had a good time. I was allllll by myself. And we made it home alive and without getting arrested. Thanks Courtney!

My Karma Report Score...

Back in, like 1992-ish, Moonpie and I went to buy a new car. A credit report check showed that I had defaulted on a loan from a college that I had never attended. After 10 miles of red tape and 2 acts of Congress later it was corrected. And we got that new car. So, I was able to fix that. But how do you get your Karma report fixed? Because my karma and someone elses is obviously "F"d up and crossed some how. I am not a bad person. Really. Yet, if you believe in "what goes around, comes around" (which *I* do) then I must have robbed a few banks. Must have been a HORRIBLE child. Something.

After 1 week of school, it had been determined that I had to have ANOTHER conference with Carson's Pre-K teacher. He can't keep still. He can't follow directions. He is loud. He disrupts the class constantly. At nap time. At lunch time. He even got in trouble for being too rowdy (and not listening to the teacher) in GYM!!!(?) He even had to go see the school counselor because he kicked his teacher (WTH?!). So. I had to take Caden to see the pedi. last Thursday for an ear check (he did NOT have another ear infection)--and I brought up Carson. And when my pedi (whom I love and have had since 1991) said he would like to wait a year before testing Carson--well, I just kept right on describing all the things he does. At Mother's Day Out last year, at home, at school this year, in public, at parties, at relatives houses... until my pedi opened his lap top and began asking ME questions. After 30 minutes of us conversing he said to me: "I have no doubt that he has ADHD...but, with your permission, I would like to get you a referral to a child psychiatrist. He will be able to test, diagnose, write prescriptions and monitor those medications *and* doses VERY closely. Can I do that?" Of course I said yes. I felt a mountain had been lifted off my shoulders already. Just knowing that help was close. But I had also shared my guilt with Dr R--that it was my fault--that my poor mothering skills had pushed my boy to this point. Remember that my feelings of inadequacy and poor self esteem had pushed me into a black hole last year...I am not saying that Carson's inability to control his behavior made me suicidal last year--but the fact that *I* felt so out of control in regards to his behavior made me feel even MORE of a crappy mother (really ALL of their behavior--surely it was all my fault). Dr R said to me "The way he is, is NOT your fault--but when he gets better, then *that* will be your fault. I was ready to wait until next year--but you stood up and refused to take that as an answer--you kept on until I was convinced that waiting was the wrong thing to do. You will have to be his advocate--and you already are! Way to go Mom!" When I shared this info with Carson's teacher that afternoon she was both sad and excited. Just as I am. I have already found a support board to read and bought a book on ADHD. He really does seem to fit the profile of an ADHD kid. I am ready to learn how to help him get this under control!!

On Friday Caden started coughing. Runny nose. By 11PM he was wheezing and grunting. He was miserable. By 2AM Saturday I woke Moonpie--ready to take Caden to the ER. His chest was caving and he was grunting with every breath. We gave him several (3) breathing treatments between 2:15 and 6AM. I had him at the pedis office at 10AM. He has ANOTHER ear infection and was put on an oral steroid for the wheezing/asthma attack. and yet another round of antibiotic for the ear infection. geez. The on-call pedi got a pea sized bit of HARD, BLACK, nasty ear wax out of the same ear that my pedi had gotten 2 ice cream scoops of was out of 2 days before... I brought it home and put it in a baby food jar to show Moonpie--I swear it looks like a bit of dried up dog poo! gross.

Friday was Calie's first pep rally!! and that night was the first game that she performed at--in her Friday Night Dress Uniform--hat, boots and all! They looked great and they did a wonderful job!! Moonpie's brother and his wife came down from Austin to visit and they came to the game too...I am soooo glad they came. The kids were excited to see them! My kids are so blessed to have them as Aunt and Uncle. They always buy the coolest things for them too. Plus they got me a gift card to Barnes & Noble for my birthday! Ye HAW!!!! Plus, I got a hilarious chicken--when you squeeze her body, an egg pops out from her butt! I LOVE IT! hahahaha

Claudia is doing great in school. and at home. She really is growing up--5 going on 19--she is sometimes even more mature that Calie. It really amazes me how much they change--sometimes daily.

Anyhoo. I am exhausted. I am...heck, so tired that I haven't a clue as to how to end this... but I promise to post some pictures soon. After I edit slobber and snot out!

You Know You Are Old When...

9:42Pm Monday August 28th: Omg. I will be 38 tomorrow. That is, like, waaaay tooooo close to 40 for comfort, man.

I am half drunk on vodka and Sunny D. Drunk enough to be happy...but drunk enough to be sad too.

You know when you are OLD!? When no one asks you to dinner and drinks for your Birthday--but your sister calls and asks you to BREAKFAST for your birthday. Geez.
Guess there is nothing to cheer you up after that but a piece of a$$ from your 43 year old husband.

Gotta go before the buzzzzz wears off. Happy Eve Before My Birthday....

Welcome To Bellvue...

I saw a documentary on A&E tonight. About Bellvue. And all the people who are checked in. They check 30 to 60 people into the ER every SINGLE DAY. Depressed suicidals. Bi Polar. Schizos. You name it. It was very interesting. Very. It made me very grateful and also so sad. I know I have my own "crazy" problems, but these poor souls were so sad. So lost. I felt like I was sane in comparison. I mean, I *know* I'm not insane...But I mean my anxiety and depression is nothing compared. And my heart ached for them. They were/are so sad. You can tell they don't want to be "crazy"...They want to be normal. Have normal lives. Live productive lives... And they have been on every medication available...And yet they still can't find that "magic" pill, the one that will set them free. Anyhoo--if you get A&E, you should check it out. Very informative too. Pray for them--or feel free to lay out some carrots for the carrot god if you don't pray.

On to other news. Carson's teacher sent a blue ribbon home on Friday. Seems Carson is always checking on the fish in the room--making sure they are healthy and happy. Gooooooo Carson!! Claudia's teacher held a small lecture on the correct and incorrect ways to show our friends we care. On the "no-no list": No kissing on the playground! I think she got the hint. There was no kissing in Friday--but she says she still has the boyfriend! Calie performed twice last week with the drill team. "Meet the Eagles" night and then a performance for all the teachers in the LISD. Friday is the first "home" game...that means the whole team will be in their Friday Night Dress outfits (that we still haven't paid for--eeek)! I can't wait to take pictures--and I plan on being at the pep rally too to video and take pictures.
Caden just finished his antibiotic--and is still having a runny nose and acting like he feels bad--and digging in his ears. He has a follow up on Aug 31st.

My throat is still hurting. My head still throbbing. Did I tell you it's strep? I took day 3 of my antibiotic today--I expect a miraculous recovery tomorrow. Hope you all are well!

Oh! Moonpie and I are doing good. His has been off Mon-Thursday for the past 2 weeks and will have that schedule next week too. Usually I hate for him to be home that much. But it hasn't been unbearable. We applied for a personal loan to pay off two high interest credit card loans. I can NOT wait to pay them off. Our payments on the personal loan will be about $200 cheaper and we can have it paid off in 2 years--at the rate we were going on the credit cards it would have been about 10 years to get them paid for. Whew.

I have been thinking that next year I may apply to be a PreK Teachers aide. Which at first seems silly--since I can't get MY kids to mind and I have little patience for them--but I really think I can do a good job. I think it will be good practice for me--and I will feel needed and important! Kids *really* like me (toot toot--that's me tooting my own horn). And I am FUN. Really. I am. No...for REAL! haha Anyway, we will see. Just an idea.

Well, it is 8PM and I have to get the kids in bed--trying to stick to the schedule--even on weekends. Hugs to all.

I'm One Sick Pup...

I feel awful. My head hurts something fierce. My throat is scratchy and sore.

School started 3 days ago. Carson is in PreK. Barely. On the second day his teacher met me outside of his classroom and shut the door (uh oh). Seems he can't mind (duh). Plus a bunch of crap...er...stuff. So, Moonpie and I have a conference with his teacher and possibly the counselor and the PRINCIPAL. Today. After school. sigh. I love this child. But he is hard to handle. More on this situation soon.

Claudia is in Kindergarden. Yesterday she told me she had a new boyfriend. No big deal. She has boy and girl friends....right? But then later I heard her tell Mimi on the telephone that she KISSED this boy on the playground!!!! So I warned her teacher this morning. WATCH my kid on the playground before she is expelled for sexual harassment! gee.

Calie is a sophomore. gawd. 2 senior (SENIOR!!!) boys like her. She got her drill team uniform yesterday. She is so freaking hot in it. Like "ooooh mama" hot. I don't think I'll make it this year.

Caden is the only baby home. And he still takes naps!!! yeeehawwwww!!

Next week I'll really start blogging again....I might have more than 30 seconds to myself alllll day!

I turn 38 soon. (next week) I'm getting old.

HIgh On Life (And A Little Vodka Never Hurt)...

I am now, as I sit and write this....drunk. So don't hold it against me. I will now stop correcting y mistaakes.

I went over to a friends house (less than a mile away on black top covered back roads leading to NOWHERE) and the husband offerred nme a vodaka and OJ. I Accepted. It was strong. I left my kids at home with Moonpie. I an feeling NO PAIN. I am feeling like Fun Fun FDun/. I played with Carsin in the floor for ever. He LOVED it. Even *I* found it humurous. I laughed and lauged. I promised Moonpie some acts thqt are better left to the imaginaation. He scoffed. Said I would b e asleep before the acts were carried out. We will see. Oh, we will see. He isn;t aware that I have 6 oz of vodka in my car. hidden away in a Dallas Cowboys baby bottle(not Cadens--someones hope that my friend would have a boy--she didn;t...had a 3rd girl).

Moonpie might feels his age (41), LATER TONIGHT (oops, caps was on) whem his 37 (almost 38)year old wife shows im what she is made of. HAHA that is funny. If you only knew how I am more of a "lay there and make lists. even tho it is GOOD" participant. He is definatley a good partner--but I just have no drive (except in my mind, with, say, Brad Pitt...or some dude that lives with a friewnd of a friend of a friend kinda thing).

So. It is 8:15PM. That is early to be drunk. I have to try and wait out 3 babies and a teenager....

Ok, I might have to admit defeat, but only this once......

Flashback To 1986...

That was the year I graduated from high school. Yep. 20 years ago. Boy, I was so young and dumb. Still dumb. But not so young. Remember that you would argue and break up (and get back together) with your boyfriend over the STUPIDEST things? Well, that hasn't changed either. Moonpie and I were getting along so well and then I went to Galveston with the kids for a week. I had a teeny tiny fender bender while I was there. You know those poles they put around gas pumps to keep you from mowing the pumps down? Well, it is a VERY good idea. Needless to say--Moonpie was very...angry with the state of the truck when we got home. I almost lied and said that someone must have side swiped me in the Wal Mart parking lot--but I decided to tell the truth--look where it got me. Things were VERY tense around here. I was ready to leave. I was/am sick of being treated like I am 14. So I threw a temper tantrum (alot like a 14 year old might throw). Long story short...we are made up--sorta.

Last week Caden was diagnosed with yet another series of double ear infections! And a viral infection called herpangina (sounds like herpes of the 'gina--but it's not). He had blisters on his legs and fingers and even in the mouth and throat. He ran 103* fever. He was miserable. Wouldn't/Couldn't eat. Sleep. Have fun. But he is better now. On day 7 of another round of antibiotic--OH! and his eczema was AWFUL too. Did I tell you that Carson had strep throat again too? And his tonsils are so enlarged that they are talking surgery for him too? Agh. We are in the poor house and two kids need surgery (Caden=tubes)--3 kids need school clothes and the checking account needs funds! Ah well...we are still lucky. We all semi like each other--no collection agency have our number (yet). And all our animals are alive and kicking. And the roof doesn't leak. But that may be on account that it hasn't rained here in months.

School starts on the 22nd here. I can not wait!! Caden got a new haircut--I shaved his head. He looks so much like Carson now it is hilarious. Ok, gotta dash--Caden is screaming. SOunds like a bumped head to me....

Me And Moonpie, Sitting In A Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

OK. We made up. Big Time. Big Talk. Big Action on both our parts. New Promises. New Vows. New Resolutions that we both want to work on.

He has really worked hard to be more positive and to be more complementary. To help out more. To work on his abrasive (not abusive) discipline. I have worked really hard to try and put myself first and be positive too. His biggest complaint was that I always seemed ran down and depressed LOOKING. Like I didn't care about myself. So, I started REALLY working out at the gym. 4 times (in a row) last week! I've been conscious of my appearance. I knew Moonpie was right when one day, I got dressed before noon and put make-up on and Carson said "You look real pretty Momma. Where are you going?" And I wasn't "going" anywhere. I like working out. I didn't think I would, since I HATE to sweat. But it is nice to have that time to myself. I plug my headset into the treadmill and I can watch an entire show on A&E without being interrupted! I can walk up steep hills and watch MTV! My heart beats hard and fast. I sweat. I have even lifted a few weights and can already "feel" a difference in my arms. My kids even like the nursery there. And I am taking them swimming in the "big" indoor pool later this evening.

I started donating plasma again this week. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I felt SO good afterwards. My doctor released me this week. I will have to see him just once more, in a month. I still have swelling and minor pain (more like discomfort) when sitting, wearing anything other that work out pants. He said. "It'll take time. That was a big tumor for such a small space." So, I guess I still need patience when it comes to my hoo-ha getting back in racing condition! tee hee...Although Moonpie did take it for a test drive...slow and steady wins the race! My doctor said "I think once the swelling goes away, you will really be pleased with the cosmetic appearance!" Uh....? Is that his way of saying "Boy! Was it UGLY before...But I gave you a face lift down there and it will be "Hustler" ready in no time!"??

Josh and Tara (my bro/cousin and his wife) had their baby boy on July 3rd at 11:35PM. Travis Lowell A. 7# and 12 oz. Mom has a 4th degree tear--O-U-C-H. Her labor was VERY long. There was meconium, decels and the cord around his neck times TWO. He came out so fast (once he decided to get the show on the road) that he literally SHOT thru the cord that was wrapped around his neck! He just shot thru the loops! He has a head full of dark hair. I can't wait to hold him and see Brother with him! He sounds like the Proudest Papa. We (the kids and I) are going to the beach next week. So we will get plenty of pictures and get lots of baby boy lovin'.

I am feeling good, healthy and whole. I love my husband and I want to have a GOOD anniversary in October. All appears right with the world (right now). OK, gotta go, the kids are ready to hit the pool!!

Hugs all around for all the comments and I even "heard" some of you--even tho you said (or typed) not a word. Love you, my "sister friends".

A Setback...

I had a very bad day yesterday. My patience was short. My temper was a very noticeable size. I had a headache and the kids weren't in the frame of mind to...Well, MIND.

Moonpie and I had a big fight. About discipline. In front of the kids. He was too rough with Carson (my boy who is AFRAID of being thrown into the air or swung around by his legs) and so, Carson FREAKED out. Then Moonpie (more like an A$$pie right now), was verbally mean to him. Calling him a sissy and telling him to stop crying and acting like a little girl. So, that got me angry. Then Moonpie was about to swing Claudia around by her legs and Caden was all excited and toddled over and grabbed Claudia's hair, which was beautifully hanging down...And Moonpie just leaned over and slapped him on the upper arm, like 4 times. Hard. No verbal warning or anything. I went ballistic. He's a BABY. I know it hurt Claudia and all, but did he have to slap--his--arm??!! Wouldn't a loud NO and swat on the diapered bottom have worked? Caden screamed and RAN to Calie, the next closest person to him.

I snatched him up and asked Moonpie to "...NOT ABUSE THE KIDS PLEASE!!" But I really didn't ask him. So. He was to rough and tough. And I over reacted. No. Really I did. You mean you didn't hear me scream at him? In front of the kids. It really upset Calie. I was really upset, too. As usual it was all turned around and it was all my fault for "freaking out". So, I give up.

I can't do ANYTHING right. I give up. Whatever he says. I'll be the maid. The nanny. The cook. Whatever. I hid back 9 Vicodin. I will need them to stay cool. To keep calm and never raise my voice. To listen to his lecturing and controlling ass. To...Mind. It is either that or go insane again.

Today, he said I should take the kids to eat lunch and "do something with them". So we got dressed and I (he is at work...He is ALWAYS either at work or working out) took them. Then it started to rain so I took them to an indoor playground type thing. A man came up to me and pointed to Carson. "Is he yours?" "Umm, yes" "Well, my son made a big domino set-up and *he* (pointing to Carson) knocked it all over." I replied: "Oh well. That's a 4 year old for you." And I walked away. Ass. I should have said "Well sir, I will beat him when we get home. Will that make up for it?"

The house is clean and spaghetti is made. I will serve him dinner then clean up. I will bathe his children. Fold his clothes and turn down his bed. Then I will tuck his kids into bed and try to sleep. Or plan the day I run away.

I hope tomorrow I wake in a better state of mind. Or mood. Right now I feel down and out. Tired. Beaten down. Lost. Like a loser.

Please don't comment. Your good comments will make me feels bad. Your bad comments will make me hate you. This wasn't posted for sympathy/empathy or advice/assvice. Or a tongue lashing. It was posted as an outlet. I feel better just "saying" it.

PS: Labs came back on my vah jay-jay. It's all clear. No cancer. All lipoma. (yay)

For Your Eyes Only...

No, no, no. Not a picture. A few links to check out while my hind quarters is out of commission--can't sit well.

(*singing*) Here are a few of my favorite things:

http://www.myfuckingeye.com/ ("E"!!!! and her own Ken Doll--and a Texan at heart)

http://ebonymommy.com/blog/ ("Y" is a hip and happening hot momma--a brown Martha Stewart even--she is so crafty and my Hero because she just lost 30 pounds)

http://www.dooce.com/ (Heather--this is who I wanna BE when I grow up)


I read a few others too--Candy B's, Kimmy's--and I will read Sam's. I read Tertia's alot...here I'll post hers too: http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/ (She is in South Africa)

Check them all out--while I apply more ice and take a big ole pain pill...

*Whine, Whine, Whine, Whine...*

It hurts. Even after taking 3 small (375mg) Hydrocodone. After an ice pack for 8 hours straight. After laying on the couch, panty-less.

It is all black and blue too. Mainly blue with twinges of black. With white stitches poking out. And swollen. Hugely. I almost wish I could take a picture and post it on here and show you. You wouldn't believe it. It doesn't even LOOK like a hoo-ha SHOULD look. It is deformed. And it hurts.

I have pain sitting. Right now I am standing, bent over the keyboard with my naked ass pointed towards the fan. I can't wear anything but LOOSE pants--I've been wearing scrub bottoms or soft cotton work out capris--but the no panty rule sucks.

I won't see Dr Gynocological Oncologist/Surgeon/Twat Destroyer for 3 weeks. His nurse called me yesterday to check on my pain. And my poor, destroyed, maimed hoo-ha. I told her that the 30 pills they gave me would not make it long. She said they would refill me when I ran out--they BETTER!

She told me I could "resume my regular duties" BUT I can't: pick up anything over 10# for 2 weeks, shower--until I see the doctor, do alot of bending or stooping, vacuum or do "vigorous" housework OR have sex for 6 weeks (umm, yeah. like that is happening anytime soon. Soooo glad she told me this--I was thinking of trying all those funky positions in Cosmo on Saturday...)

One bright bit of sunshine: I got a letter from VIC!!!!! When I get lucid and have something to talk about besides my...ya know...purple/black caterpillar between my legs I'm gonna write her back (sending you hugs...Part of your letter made me sad--but I have soooo been there). Another happy bit: My 2 friends, who live here in this one horse town came over yesterday. One cooked home made chicken pot pie and a strawberry/cream cheese pizza! I just laid on the couch and held her 2 month old. My other friend sat and visited and played prison guard over Carson and Erins 2 girls--OH! and Claudia came over and visited us--She has been at my Grandmothers since Monday night.

Now I need to go lay down. Put more ice on it. Watch The Today Show. Sigh. Later...

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat...Where Have You Been?...

I've been in a fight with the Heavy Weight Champion of the World. Well, that's how it feels. It is 6AM. I woke at 4AM with a throbbing in my loins...Not the good throbbing either. And my throat hurts. And my face is raw. Here's how it went down yesterday:

We got to Dallas about 10AM. Got my vitals checked. Blood work (again). Then sat in the waiting room for 90 min. Then I was called back. Put in a curtained off area and told to get into the lovely evening ensemble that opens in the back. I told my anesthesiologist to tell whoever does the shaving to hook me up with the "all or nothing" hairdo. She told me that they would intubate me later I was "out"--so my throat might hurt when I woke up (wth?). Got my happy shot and was happy. I remember rolling into surgery and thinking "it is BRIGHT in here" and I remember hopping from one gurney to the next (sorta). I remember hearing/seeing the anesthesiologist and my doc bumping heads as they leaned over me to make sure I was centered on the bed--and I remember thinking "What is this?? The 2 Stooges??" (hope I didn't say that outloud).

Next thing I remember is waking. Being in pain. Erica (a lovely Post Op Nurse) hooked me up with Demerol. Apparently alot of it. But it didn't take care of my pain really. But caused my face to feel as if 1,000,000,000 bugs were crawling under the skin. So I scratched. I rubbed. So I got another shot of something. And MORE Demerol. And more anti itch stuff. I was told I had been in Post Op for 3 hours. Moonpie came in and told me that the tumor was bigger than we all thought. It was the size of a lemon. Not a HUGE lemon but a lemon. So the surgery was more involved. The nasty lemon left me with a hole or indention where my left major labia was. So they had to stretch other muscle and tissue over to that area to help fill in the gap.

The *huge* dude in the bed next to me woke up fighting and they all had to get a bit mean with him to get him to WAKE UP, ROBERT! It was sorta funny to see him swinging his massive arms and everyone ducking and talking to him like he was 3. "Robert! The surgery is finished! You are in Recovery!! Wake UP! Stop fighting us! Stop it!" He just growled like a bear and kept swinging. But after he woke up he was cool. Until he asked me if I had had hip or knee replacement (he got a new hip). I just told him neither...That I had a tumor removed (but not from where). That pretty much shut him up.

My head, face, ears were itching soooooo bad. We left there at 7PM with vicodin. Ice packs. Funky pads to catch all the leaking blood. Advice to squirt myself off with hydrogen peroxide ALOT and to use the blow dryer to dry myself. Go bottomless and keep the ice on for 24 hrs. By now it had been 24 hours since I had last eaten. I got a salad from McD and ate 1/3 before laying down in the back of the car (had the presence of mind to pack a pillow and blanket earlier). Slept all the way home.

When I got home I went to the bathroom with my peri bottle, peroxide and a hand mirror. OMG. It looks sooooooooo ugly. So scary. So....Deformed (and bald). Really. It looks BAD. Like...I dunno, just really "f"d up.

I slept on the couch. Calie slept on the love seat in case I needed her in the night. Moonpie slept with Carson in our bed. Caden slept in the pack N play in the living room. When I woke up my nose felt raw and sunburned (from all the skin I rubbed off). My throat is sooooo sore. My hoo-ha hurts. BAD. Throbbing. PAIN.

Now I'm gonna go put more ice on it and watch the news. Maybe call Moonpie at work. Maybe not.

(This message brought to you by the lovely phrases: "lemon sized", "Pain. BAD." and by the beautiful haze know as "vicodin".)

I'm Scheduled...

I'm having it out on Wednesday. Today is Sunday. So...tomorrow my
sister is taking me to shop. She has a big ole $100 gift card to spend at Bath & BodyWorks...so I'm gonna help her pick out goodies (maybe a few for ME!)! We are going sans kids. Well except for her smallest. He will be in the third grade (slap me if I'm wrong, Little Sister) but acts like he is 40ish. I'm not kidding. He is very quiet. Reserved. He certainly makes up for her first one (although he is a GREAT kid too--just the opposite of his little bro).

Tuesday I am being chauffeured to Dallas by a friend. I hate driving in Dallas traffic. Plus she is from there--so she knows her way around. I have "pre OP" there. Which means we are driving about 3 hours to have my blood pressure taken and fill out 40 reams of paperwork. I'm sure that will totally piss me off. I just don;t understand why, why, WHY they can't just have me come in 2 hours early on surgery day and do it all then...

The very next day, Moonpie and I will drive right back up there for the snip-snip, sew-sew. So, at 1PM on Wednesday, while some of you are eating lunch, others are watching Days Of Our Lives (and you should be ashamed of yourselves, really!), I will be sucking gas and laying naked, white and fat on a table with several men looking at my stretch marks and funky hairline under a spotlight. Good times, people!

What I really started thinking about was...what will I wear post surgery?? Will my "drawers" irritate my site? Will I have to wear tent dress things for a few days? Will I have to have the stiches OUT or will they just fall out on their own? I really do not relish going back in (without gas) and having someone pull cat gut out of my...umm...l-l-l-l-l...sorry, can't say it. Will they shave a little strip? or the whole left side? Or the whole enchilada...or "taco"? How many times will Caden put his foot in my crotch? How many times will Carson elbow me there? How many times will Claudia ask to see my "'gina...Where they took out the knot" ?? Will sitting be a problem? Wouldn't bother me--sounds like a good reason for lounging on the couch for a few days in the prone position.

So. hmmmm. Think I'll just leave it there. End this one like this. Mainly because it is 9:20PM and Claudia wants to know it it's "sleepover night". (I usually let them have a night per week that we all sleep in the living room--them on pallets and me on the couch...they LOVE it. We watch TV until we fall asleep and sometimes--but not tonight--have popcorn) So I have to go get Moonpie out of the living room so we can snuggle down. Night all...

Pack Your Bags, Tumor...You Are Outta Here...

Saw the Oncologist today. He was Very, Very nice. Wasn't as good looking as I like my breast and hoo-ha fondlers to be--but he made up for it in personality. I got a full exam (yippee...not)...But not the finger in the "exit only" entrance, if ya know what I mean...So THAT was a plus.

We decided to have surgery to remove it. Because it is still growing. Because it hurts upon "intercourse" (gag. I hate that word). And because I want the fat outta there and sent to a lab to make *sure* it isn't cancer. I hate "it doesn't *look* like cancer...But we aren't *sure*". He said it would probably be day surgery and that I may (may. That sounds like when my kids ask for ice cream and I say "MAYbe"--means I don't think that is what will happen but I'm saying that so you will shut up for 5 minutes) get to go home that same day! And he showed me with his fingers how long the incision would be...gasp. About 2" long!! On my left labia (gag on that word too). Doesn't that sound like it will hurt? Did you cringe? I did.

He talked to me about my depression. Seems he has a background in that too. He studied psychology extensively. He even made me cry. We were talking about it and all of a sudden I was teary eyed and all choked up. Then he hugged me. Goodness--don't you know? You should never hug someone who does NOT want to cry?? Because then they HAVE to cry. But he was nice. I like him. I trust my hoo-ha to him. He told me the cutest story. He said his daughter is 12 now. But when she was about 6, he came home from work and she ran to him--like kids do--all excited. He crouched down and put his hands on her face--cupping her cheeks, to give her a kiss. She pushed him away and said "Yuck. You have been fiddlin' with "twawnies" all day." I laughed!! While he was fiddlin' with *MY* "twawnie". Outrageous. Usually I have to lay in total concentration on keeping my legs from slamming shut and I have to chant (in my head) "I am not here. I am somewhere else. I am not here. I am somewhere else..."

Soooo...When he gets back to his office (remember? He only comes to our one horse town once per month)...He will have "Tammy" call me and schedule the surgery. I'll let ya know what day it is...so you can all pray, light a candle or shred some carrots for the Carrot god. Iffen ya wanna. I want you to wanna.

PS: "E"...I can't get a comment to go on your blog. And FYI--the back of my neck is peeling--looks awful. But the back of my legs look sooooo tan. Hope you enjoyed Mexico. And I have another friend who claims to be the whitest Hispanic--she has dark hair and eyes--but the creamiest skin...It is sorta funny.

What A Memorable Day...

One of my new friends had a small gathering at her house yesterday afternoon for Memorial Day. There was "C"--her very handsome husband,and their 2 girls. Then there was "E" (no, not THAT "E"), her husband and their 3 girls. Me and Moonpie and our 3 wee ones (Calie was at a friends house). And a couple from down the road--no kids, yet.

There were 8 kids--all 5 and under. There was a fun swimming pool--perfect for the kids. But Carson couldn't play in the pool. He and I were sunburned from Friday's Garage Sale (I made $200). But he more than made up for the fact he couldn't swim. He pulled his pants down 3 times--peed in their garage. Stuck his finger in the cupcakes before dinner. Was an all around pill. But sooooo cute. I can't help but have a special place in my heart that busts out laughing everytime he pulls one of his "stunts". He is such a BOY sometimes. And such a GIRLY BOY other times. His favorite thing to say is "Ima Cow WARD" or "Ima fraid E cat". And sometimes he runs around the house chanting "Ima REAL boy. Ima REAL boy". Or he talks robotically and says "Destroy Buzz Lightyear. Destroy Buzz Lightyear..."

She served a fabulous brisket. ((I just reread my post--boy, I really skip around alot, don't I?)) Cheesy Potatoes. Pinto Beans. Rolls. A wonderful salad. And a chocolate dessert thingy. And cupcakes. I had a big ole Dr Pepper and vodka. And a some of the salad. We played baseball (sorta) in the backyard. Pushed the kids on the swings. Watched them swim and watched Caden toddle around. We left and 9PM. I had to bathe the kids when we got home, then I popped them a movie on and went to bed. Caden slept GOOD last night.

OH! And I called Poppy, he's at home now--being seen by Home Health Care a few times per week and he TELLS me he is taking his meds--but he has been known to tell me little white fibs so I don't worry. I told him "Happy Memorial Day" and he said "Well thanks, baby girl...But I'm not dead yet. Only 3/4 dead." I told him that I was thinking of ALL the men who had fought and lived AND died that day in all the wars. Because they all died a little--don't you think? He sounded in good spirits.

I also got an email from a girl that was in the hospital with me when I was suicidal and major depressed. She sounded so good. And she is expecting. I am so happy for her. I thought about her alot yesterday. I hope she is taking her meds too ("R", if you are reading...Take care of yourself, OK?).

I hope you all had a nice long weekend and got to spend time with family and friends--and I hope you had FUN--I did.

Poison Control...How May I Help You?...

Oh My Goodness. I have never been so scared in all my life. Well, I'm pretty sure I was scared alot when Claudia grabbed a whole can of pepper juice off the counter and poured it in her face and had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance--and I was scared when Calie had eye surgery when she was 5. Oh! And I nearly peed my pants when Carson had stiches and I had to do that all by myself (Moonpie was at work--but couldn't come down to the ER). But this takes the cake.

I was in the living room the other afternoon and I heard Moonpie say "Oh my God. WHO LEFT THE CABINET WITH THE CLEANING SUPPLIES OPEN!!!?" ummm...I think it was me. "Caden just got the cap off the furniture stuff and had the bottle turned upside down! THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE TO LOCK THIS CABINET!!"

I rushed into the kitchen and took the bottle away from Moonpie. 'May be harmful or fatal if swallowed' OMG. He's gonna die and it will be my fault. I asked Moonpie if he thought Caden had drank any. "Well. I'm sure he did, he had the bottle in his mouth and had it turned up as high as he could." He then tried to lecture me on the dangers of leaving the cabinet unlocked and just HOW did he get that lid off?!? I kept saying "harmful or FATAL if swallowed". Then I screamed at Moonpie that he was NOT helping by lecturing me. Then I cried. He told Calie to go with me and take Caden to the emergency clinic close by. He would stay with the other kids.

I got in the car and started down the road. Imagining they would put charcoal down his throat and then pump his tummy. And it was allllll my fault. Then I thought: "I'm gonna call his pediatrician." They advised me to call the poison control hot line. NOW. They gave me the number. I pulled over and called them.

The nicest man on Earth answered. I explained what happened. And he told me in a calm voice (while typing so fast on his keyboard) that it is only harmful or fatal if he throws up and aspirates it into his lungs. So, I took him back home. We kept him calm and not overfed. We watched him for 6 hours. They called me twice to check on him. I now have that number on my cell phone. I hope I never use that number again--but I know if I do they can help me.

So, go lock up all your cleaning stuff. Make sure the child proof caps are on TIGHT. And put that number on your fridge and in your cell phone address book--and I'll hope you never have to dial it.

PS: This was really scary and caused me to be overly anxious and I couldn't sleep that night--even after I took my gooood anti anxious stuff. And when I did sleep I dreamed the most awful dreams that should never be repeated out loud.

A Little Off The Top, Please...

I cut Caden's hair. His first "real" haircut. Moonpie trimmed around his ears and the nape of his neck a few months ago. He said he was looking girly. He even trimmed the front and gave him bangs. But I CUT his hair. With trimmers. I used the biggest guard. But it still is short. I cut off all his brown hair. Now he is totally blonde. All of my kids were born with dark hair. Carson's and Calie's were darkest. Almost black. And both of those two had the most hair. They looked like Mexican babies. Heads FULL of beautiful dark hair. Then it grows out...the hair never really falls out...It just starts growing blonde. So, they have dark ends and blonde roots. I did the same as a baby. I used to think that the dark haired baby in all the photos must have died--and they stole me away from my beautiful loving family to take the place of their black haired baby.

Caden went from looking like a little baby to looking like a little boy. He looks adorable. I wanna eat him. I wanna nibble his cheeks off and rub my hands on his head. Amazing how a haircut can change the way they look so much. He looks SO much like Carson now. Almost like twins (but 3 years apart). I can't get over it.

I swept up all the hair from the floor and put it in a baggie. It was ALOT of hair. Now I can put it in his baby book so years from now, I can dip my fingers in there and touch his baby hair--and I can sniff it and get a hint of Johnsons&Johnsons...or I can do it tomorrow!!

He is getting so big. And smart! Last night he walked over to where my sandals were, sat down and then lifted his foot high in the air and tried to put my shoe on his foot! We laughed so hard. And earlier today, Calie and I caught him clapping his hands and then "roll it up, roll it up..", we started singing the song and he laughed his head off. Could someone call Father Time and tell him to stop the clock--or slow it down some? It is going too fast.

The Picture's Say It All...

Caden's Birthday...

What's On My Head?



Now What's On My HANDS??!!



My Eye! My Eye! Oh Gawd....MY EYE!!

If You Give A Man A Chainsaw...

He will cut stuff up.

My sister. Bless her heart. She came home yesterday around 3:15PM to find that the HUGE oak tree that shaded her boys "fort", no longer did so. Her mighty oak was missing more than a few limbs. And the evidence was strewn all over her driveway and yard. She found a note from the local electric or phone idiots (forget which group was responsible) saying "We'll be back on Monday to finish the job". She is, to put it mildly, PISSED. She tells me that limbs that were not interfering with any "lines" were cut off. That her gate (you have to open her gate to get on her property) wasn't latched and that one of her dogs was roaming the neighborhood. They threw a nasty cigarette package on the ground, too. She is not happy. She has hinted that she will be there on Monday with a firearm, barring access to her property. If I was them...I'd be scared. I hope she doesn't get arrested. I am short on bail money this month.

She may be short. She may look meek and mild (actually she doesn't). But she carries a huge can of Texas-sized "Whoop Ass"--and she WILL open it up on ya. If I was brave I'd hide in her house and catch it all on tape. But I'm afraid. Very afraid.

And You Wonder Why I Am "Crazy" (aka Insane)...

The past 17-18 days, Cliff Notes Version:

On the 30th Claudia was dx with an ear infection, a few days later Carson was too--along with strep. He puked (that word really describes it well too) on me twice. On himself twice. Pooped his pants once. On the floor 1/2 a time. Got a shot once (but stabbed twice). 3 copays at $20 each= $60 that was probably owed to the electric company.


All 3 on antibiotics (but different ones). One "pink kind" @ 2 tsp, 3 times per day. One white kind @ 1 tsp (or 5.5 ml) 2 times per day. This one needed a straight jacket and 30 minutes of bribery. EACH time. Another white kind. Can't remember the dosage--but we finished it I promise. $10 + $10 + $10 = $30 that was probably owed to the lunch ladies for Claudia's seriously over drawn account.

BOTH pregnate cats (Greycee and Maycee) gave birth one the same day... in the same place...we now own 7 kittens, 3 cats, 4 dogs, 1 horse, and a partridge in a pear tree. The animals food costs more than ours now. PS: The Mama cats are tag teaming it. We have no idea who's babies are who's...they have no idea either. A mama is nursing 24/7. OUTSIDE, in the barn.

Calie met a 17 year old boy. That she likes. He is bad. He has done (prob still does) drugs. Has had sex. Hasn't graduated high school (cause he isn't GOING). Lost his driver's license--I mean it was TAKEN from him for too many speeding tickets. And he callllled her!! wth!? But he lives in another town (she met him at her best friends house). So, there will be no "dating" this dude. Ever. Ever.

Had my MRI. The tumor "appears to be a 'lipoma'--" Which is fancy talk for a fatty tumor--a glob of chicken fat. But I'm seeing the oncologist anyways--since the MRI can't say "malignant". AND they found an ovarian cyst measuring 2.7 X 3.something on the opposite side of my body. Did I tell them to look for other things? No. I've had cysts before. 3 that I know of. ALL 3 sent me to the ER (once while pregnate with Claudia)--when they busted open and spilled their VENOM inside my body. So, of course my GYN wants me to wait until June 7th to "see if it has shrunk" Ha. yeah, right.

My Mother In Law (whom I ADORE), gave me kitchen towels for Mother's Day. And she bought a necklace (I am sooooooo not a jewelry person that I won't even be able to describe it other than): It is gold. Has a mom and baby on it. and either diamond are good look a likes. She gave it to Cliff to give to me "from the kids". Is it really ungrateful to say that I really wanted a new digital camera? OH YEAH!!! Cliff broke my camera--so now I am using a throw away instead of my Olympus Camedia. (sniff)

I started donating plasma for $50 per week. Plus, it makes me feel good about myself.

Took Caden back to the doctor. He has another (or still) ear infection in one ear--AND they gave him a breathing treatment, on account he has been coughing and wheezing..for days. Seems it helped ALOT. So we now own a machine. And I get to hold him and blow smoke up his mouth/nose 4-5 times per day, while he screams bloody murder. So now he's on the "z" antibiotic--which doesn't come in generic. $35 copay for the machine. $50 in antibiotics and liquid smoke. $20 copay at the docs = $105, all in one day...no food included.

Registered Carson for Pre-K next year (a thing both longed for and dreamed of).

and the best thing that has happened in the last 17-18 days?? I drank a sangria margarita! And was nearly drunk for 45 minutes. Ahhh, bliss.

Can't wait to see what is going to happen next!!!!

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Wanna...

Friday, Caden turned one year old! Can you believe it? I can't. And he is walking further. He walks like a drunk monkey.

He hated (mostly) his party. He has had a runny nose and hadn't slept good in a few days. He was Mr. Fussy. When we gave him his own cake he had to be forced to touch it. Then, after he got icing on his hands it went all down hill. He hated the icing on his hands. Then he rubbed his face--getting icing all over it and IN his eye.

There was quite a few people here. Luckily it didn't rain. Moonpie grilled 16 hotdogs and 30 hamburgers--and all but 1 wiener and 2 patties were eaten. Kids seemed to have a good time. I think Moonpie let a few kids ride on the horse. And they loved running and playing in the backyard. All smokers stayed on the back deck. Caden got clothes, The Baby Leap Pad, Mega block, The Leap Pad caterpillar, bath tub toys, A Talking Dog, A T-Ball toy, and a few others (can't remember them all right now).

The next day (Saturday) I took him to the doctors...His runny nose, sleep deprivation for us both...I was thinking ear infection (AGAIN!!!). Turns out I was right. Both ears (again!!). I'm calling his pedi tomorrow--I took him to the clinic here in our bitty town...pedi is in bigger town 45 min away. Thought I'd save us a few $$ in gas money by going here. I am so sick of him having these ear infections. He's had about ear infections in 5 out of the last seven months.

So, today he is still Fussy. No fever. He is sleeping better. But I'm not. Thursday I took Claudia in to the docs...ear infection for her also. And TODAY I took Carson in. He has an ear infection AND strep throat. I am so tired. Everyone is fussy. Even me. 3 kids are on antibiotics.

OH, I went to see my GYN Thursday also. To have a check up on the ole HooHa. The tumor thing. Seems it has grown to almost 7 cm. OMG. He wants me to go to Dallas to a specialist. Some sorta GYN/Oncologist. But I am having an MRI here first. The MRI is on Wednesday. Please pray or burn incense or lay out carrots or whatever you religion requires. Lets hope this is just an obese left side of my HooHa (I'm not just a fat ass--but a fat HooHa as well)--and not CANccccccccER. And if you have chemo, does it make ALL (as in ALL) of your "hair" fall out? Like on your head, arms, legs and your, ummm....you know...AND your HooHa? That would be sooooo weird.

OK. Lets hope everyone takes all their meds. I had to take Carson back to Direct Care to get a shot--he has refused to take his antibiotic all day. Is still running 102* fever...and is so lethargic and quiet that I'm wishing he would be back to his ole ADHD self. (What am I thinking???)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg!!!!

Bye Bye, Bipolar...

I hate bipolar. I do. It is a sucky thing to have and to witness. My Poppy (my Uncle who raised me--and I consider him my Daddy) is bipolar. He is a disabled vet of Vietnam. Paralyzed from mid chest down. Lost both legs in the last 5 years due to poor circulation. Has gone off the deep end on several occasions.

And now again he is off in his own world. He isn't the best about taking his meds. Or rather he will be good for a while--maybe a year--then go off them. Drink. Stay up for days. Not eat or take care of himself. Then he gets bad pressure sores that get MAJORALLY infected.

And his mind. wow. On Saturday he went "shopping". Have you ever seen a bipolar go shopping?? When they are on a high!? It's bad. He just bought $1500 worth of guns. THAT is scary. Later today me, my brother (who Poppy is close to) and Mimi ( his wife and my Aunt/Mother) are going to do an intervention of sorts. We have to convince him to go to Houston to the VA Hospital. He is convinced that The Houston VA is out to "get him"--so it will be hard. But he HAS to go. His butt is infected. He is trying to get my Aunt to cash a $30,000 cd for him. So he can go buy what? Guns for everyone he knows? A car? A sailboat (he has bought these things in the past!)?

Think of me...I have a love as deep as the ocean for this man. And today he will be mean to me and I to him. He will say hateful things to me. And crazy things. And I will say ANYTHING to get him help. My Daddy is sick. And I just want him well. And alive.

I wish I could kick Bipolar in the ASS! I hate it.

99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall...

99. That's alot right? That's on up there on the ole numerical scale. That's how many posts or entries I have on the blog now. I am amazed. To think I actually have spent 99 times in front of the computer trying to put my minds ramblings and scatterbrained-ness into words. I feel almost proud of myself. Or in awe anyway!

I have no real hobbies. Unless sleeping and eating are hobbies. Once upon a time I liked to cross-stitch. But I never really finished that project (my sister did, years later). I once liked to read novels alot. And I read faaaaast. Like a book a day. But now I can only read magazine articles--short ones, like in People. Now *this* is my hobby. My time to unwind. And yet, even that is interrupted with dirty diapers and bumped heads and a husband calling "What are you doing on the computer?!" or the dryer going off. Or the timer on the oven filled with chicken nuggets and french fries.

So, really these few (99!!) posts are about all I have--all that are MINE. Each one should have taken brief minutes to do--but I can promise you that every one was halted or delayed numerous times each. Including this one.

But it's MINE. All mine.

Go Fish!...

Moonpie took me and the boys to a park the other day...They have piers for fishing, parks for swinging, cabins--for camping. Carson had a great time. We all did. Maybe we will even camp there this Summer...Maybe.



You should have seen the one that got away!!

*dancing*--Like Snoopy...

I am so happy, proud and joyful right now (this minute). The past two weeks have been full. Full of stress. Full of hard work. Full of...Well, stuff. But I am happy right now.

Calie has been working really hard. She had decided to try out for drill team! This child of mine hates physical activity. She is a COUCH/bed potato. She has never even taken ONE dance class in her life. She is long, lanky (88#) and a little on the clumsy side (after me). She is NOT limber. At all. She couldn't even stand up, bend over and touch her toes without being in pain. But she went to the clinic. She video-ed the routine. She practiced. She stretched. She breathed, ate and slept this routine. She can *almost* do the splits now. She worked so hard. I am SICK of hearing Wynona (sp?) Judd sing "Hunka Burning Love". Ugh.

Friday afternoon were tryouts. 57 girls were trying out for a spot on the drill team. 21 of those were on the team last year. I wanted it so bad for her...I had the WORST headache. My eye had been twitching for 2 days (still is) because I was SO stressed/nervous for her. After her group of four went into the gym (parents were not allowed in to watch the tryouts)--she came out with a shaky smile. She said she did "ok" but that she messed up a little at the end. Her Daddy was the only Father who came to tryouts. I was so proud that he did--He took the kids home while we all waited for results--but it was nice that he came and stayed until after she performed.... After everyone had tried out, they had "call backs"--some had been marked a "maybe" and the judges wanted to see them one more time before making a decision. Calie was called back. She was upset because that meant they didn't say "yes" after her first attempt. But I told her it was just a second chance to fix everything that she thought she had messed up on. To smile bigger. She point her toes more. To kick higher. To show them how hard she had worked and how bad she wanted this... After her call back she felt better--but still very nervous. When they handed out the letters (some said "Congrats"...Some said "please try again next year") Calie and her friend (who was on the team last year--who really helped Calie practice) decided to open their letters together outside. Some girls opened their letters right away. It was sad to see the faces of those who didn't make it--you could tell right away--their chins quivered, their hands shook, their eyes filled with tears. My heart ached for them and my stomach churned--please, please, please let Calie get a good letter...

M. And Calie opened their letters together. They cried together. They screamed together. They jumped up and down together!!! *I* cried. Girls who didn't even know Calie ran over and hugged her. There was one group of girls hugging, laughing and jumping around screaming. And another a few yards away--hugging, crying and so very sad.

I am so proud of Calie. Of her hard work. Her determination. She really did deserve it. Cliff and I are so proud. This is what she needs. A group that she can "belong" to. She will feel special. Her confidence will increase. Her "friends" will increase (she was always a "one friend at a time" person). She will have the social life she always wanted. It feels like a dream. To her and to us. We are sore from smiling so much. She goes to camp in June to Louisiana. She can't wait!

Congrats Calie! We love you and are SO proud of you. My little dancer girl!

(Now I need to get a part time job to pay for this--it is EXPENSIVE to be on the drill team...But even if I have to pick up cans on the side of the road...My girl is gonna DANCE!!!!)

The Past Few Days Were Yucky...

It has been rainy. Claudia has had notes sent home from school the past 2 days. She has punched two "friends" (maybe not friends anymore) in the stomach, threw a hissy fit over her cup color at snack, bumped into people in lunch line (and NOT accidentally) and was mad that she didn't get to go to art's and craft's table FIRST--so she removed someone's name from the board and put her own name there--her way of trying to *steal* their spot. So, she and I can't go on the class field trip Friday. Because I told her after bad day #1 that if she had another bad day this week, we weren't going--and she had a bad day the very next day. I have to stick to what I said, right?!

Yesterday the kids and I had friends over for dinner...And one of the little girls was using the bathroom-and instead of Carson telling me *he* had to use the bathroom--he just pulled down his pants in the dining room and peed in that girls chocolate milk!!!!

Calie had her first "clinic" for drill team trots. She is frustrated and overwhelmed. They went so fasssst. She feels like she has ZERO chance. But she does, she just needs to get with a few of the other girls and between them they will be able to remember the entire dance...Then they need to practice their asses off. Moonpie took her out to eat tonight--and they aren't back yet-- it is NINE FREAKING THIRTY. They left at 4:00PM. I know they went shopping 'cause he called me and asked Claudia's size...But this is ridiculous. I am pissed. It is a school night. And I had to eat fish sticks with the brats--umm, kids.

And bathe the beasts. I ran their water and then went to put their clothes in the laundry room--when I got back they had poured an entire bottle of DOG FLEA AND TICK shampoo in the tub. Aghhhhhhh!

I am feeling lost. Sorta depressed. The kids aren't minding me. I feel like I am yelling too much and spanking to often. I hate this. I hate how I feel right now. Like an awful person/Mother/Wife.

Gotta go...Heard a key in the door.

While Is Is NOT Cancer, It IS:...

Some sorta freaky tumor. And this is how I found out...

My sista came over and decided to go with me and the boys...They would wait in the truck while I went in. I was glad--gave me someone to talk to on the way! I got there and was weighed. His nurse is hilarious. I told her that she needed to warn Dr L that I had NOT shaved my legs AND I wasn't wearing make-up. I figured that since I had the baby and wasn't seeing him as often, that we weren't "dating" anymore and I didn't need to impress him. She then asked my about my "lump". 'Do ya think it might be an ingrown hair?' I told her no, it is UNDER the skin. Not on top. She smiles and says 'Ahhhh, you are going to be my *interesting case* today!' I exclaimed 'Yippeee! Now you will have something to discuss over lunch!' My sarcasm laced humor was lost on her. BUT she did say, after I shared my fear re "CANCER", 'Nah, it's not cancer, don't worry'. Whew! She then tells me to get undressed from the waist down and cover with the lovely paper sheet. They REALLY need to work on their foreplay!

Dr L. comes in and I have to tell him about the jello. The jelly. The Lump. The knot. HE snaps on gloves and feels me up for a good, silent five minutes. The nurse came back in during that and is watching, waiting...so engrossed and entertained. I look at the ceiling and try to convince my thighs that they "CAN" stay open and relaxed, even as they are screaming to snap shut like a screen door.

*THEN* he asks for the sonogram machine! What!? Why!? To get a "closer" look. I ask you how much closer does he have to get? His face is inches away from galaxies that have never been seen before--and he has prodded me with every finger he has. So he puts jelly on the wand and then smashes the knot into mashed potatoes (OUCH!). The nurse asks "Is that it!" and he ignores her. OMG. Then he shows her and says that it isn't fluid filled it is solid (is that good or bad?). And he asks me if *I* wanna see it. I say "well, if it doesn't have a heartbeat and legs I won't know what I'm looking at." But he shows me anyways. It looked like Moonpie (HAHA). No, it looked like...A black grape. Squished. He helps me sit up. And tells me it is a tumor. That we need to "watch it" right now. He said he didn't feel it was necessary to remove it just yet. It is 4 cm in diameter. That if it had fluid in it he would just drain it (OMG). If it grows before my appointment in 6 weeks I have to go in right away. I said "Well, ok, as long as it isn't cancer!" and he replies "I don't think it's cancer". WHAT!? You don't THINK it's cancer? How can we find out that it is NOT cancer? I should have said those things but I didn't...Moonpie did when I told him.

So I wait. And fondle myself 4 times per day. But get no joy in it.

But I DID get the new "ring" birth control. Ya know, that ring you shove up there and wear for 3 weeks...take it out, have Aunt Flo visit and then 7 days later, put a new ring in? Better that taking a pill every day. I hate bc pills. I do not have sex every day so, I don;t want to pop a pill for it every day. But this thing, I have sex about once per month...I don't have to remember to take it out, rinse it off, swallow it every day and back up this for X many days/weeks. So, we will see. He gave me a sample--I'll let ya know when I try it on. Tell ya if it is a keeper or not. I am soooo not excited to be putting more hormones into my body. But oh, well. If I have another kid I will die...really, I probably will.

Stay tuned for the next installment of "Her Tumor, Her Turmoil..."

The Warranty Has Expired...

It is so official. I am falling apart. I went to physical therapy yesterday to be assessed. Kevin(*),my physical therapist, said he is *sure* it isn't my hip--that it is my BACK. A disk. Bulging. My lower back has been hurting. But not all the time. Off and on. But I always thought "Oh, I must have over done it. Bending over too much to pick up 1,000 toys. Putting clothes away. Lifting 20 and 30-something pound kids. Making beds, emptying and loading the dishwasher." You know, regular ole everyday stuff. Kevin said that the disk is bulging really bad when I feel the pain in my hip/leg--that it is "transferred pain". So he told me to be diligent about proper posture. Use Aleve. And gave me an exercise he wanted me to do 10 of, ever hour(!). I did it about 4 times and the pain in my hip WENT AWAY!!!! But the pain in my lower back is some of the worst pain I have ever experienced (not counting the 2 ovarian cysts that ruptured, labor 4 times before the epidural kicked in and mastitis in my right boobage). I am in pain that 2 Darvocet or 2 Vicodin can't even tickle, much less touch. Trust me, I tried them both yesterday. I do believe that I am what old people call "down in my back".

And the dreaded, middle age metabolism is here. Yesterday I ate 1/2 a piece of Whole Grain toast (no butter/jelly or peanut butter), LOTS of water, and a small handful of Teddy Grahams--nothing else, and lost NOTHING. Actually, I weighed 149.0 yesterday AM. This Am I weighed 149.2--What!? I can't even starve properly. Maybe I should get braces. That has worked for "E". I bet she is looking "smoking" too. I, on the other hand look fat and frozen.

To top it all off--it is 39 degrees this morning. I live in TEXAS people. Not North Texas. A part of Texas that sees snow about once every 5 years. A part of Texas that is so hot and humid in Summer that your eyelids sweat. You will discover sweat gland that you never even knew existed on the human form. So, 39 degrees is freaking COLD.

In summary, I am old, fat and cold. And I smell poop (no, not ME. I still have control of my bladder and bowels...tho, I am sure that will be the next thing to go--after the removal of half of my 'gina due to "C"--I go see *that* doctor Friday). sigh.

*--"Kevin" may or may not be his real name. I may have made it up--and I may have been in too much pain to think of an alias for him.

The Worst Thing About My Vacation...

was leaving. I love Mimi so much. I wish she lived closer. I always feel safe with her. And OK. I know she *knows* me... And I know she loves me and my kids. She is a saint. Ok, maybe not a saint--but she is one of the largest blessings in my life. She saved me when I was in middle school when I ran away from home. And she continues to save me almost daily. She calls me and checks on me. Almost every day. How special is that? Her and my sister are my biggest sources of support. To know that you have someone who truly loves you and is THERE for you--priceless, man. Priceless.

Our trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most things aren't as bad as *I* think they are going to be--but I still continue to think they will be BAD. Go figure.



It was cold and windy...didn't stop the college idiots from wearing bikinis and shorts. Of course, if I had a hot body I would wear a bikini in the winter too! Moonpie and I took Carson and Claudia to the beach one day. We flew a kite. Walked on the shore...picked up sea shells, buried a fish head that had washed up. Built a sand castle. Tore it up. We had fun--until Moonpie's IBS (the shits See? Told you it was the theme of my life) forced us to go back to the house. I took a picture of the wee ones (Carson and Claudia) in the bluebonnets behind Mimi's house.



Calie got to spend quality time with Tara, my brothers wife and a dear sweet friend of mine. It made Calie feel special. I hated leaving--but we stopped by friends of Moonpie's (an older couple who adopted him and Calie when we lived there in 2002) on the way home. They have a farm and the kids love(!) chasing chickens, playing with the hoard (LOTS) of goats, petting the horses and watching the cows and peacocks. Claudia fell down in some poo (pick the stinkiest animal and that was it)--but she didn't even care. She cried when we left. She loves the farm. Carson does too. Calie loves the L's. They sent 2 dozen fresh eggs with us. So sweet.

We came home and I washed clothes for 3 days. Claudia stole one of Josh's (my brother) guitar pick--so she had to write an "I M srrey" letter and send it back. The kids started back to school today. Sigh. Vacation's over.

I went to my physical therapy appointment today--and was told that it wasn't today--it's tomorrow. Uh..., I am a dumbass. And I made me an appointment with my Gyn...to have my "thang" looked at on Friday. Joy. This was after watching "My Life" today on dvd. Remember that movie? With Michael Keaton and Niocle Kidman in it? He has cancer and makes a video for his unborn child? After I dried my tears I called my doctor. I sure hope my kids don't have to tell their friends/teachers/strangers that their Mom died of Hoochie Cancer.

Oh! and Caden is really scaring me. He finally got those 2 front teeth to cut thru (yesterday) and is REALLY trying to walk. GULP. He will be 1 on April 28th. One. With teeth. And walking. Nooooooooooo! It is going tooo fast.

Well, it is late here (10:30 PM is late for me) Moonpie is on the toliet, again. So maybe I can hurry and get to sleep before the smell creeps down the hall and gets to our room.

Night Night.

National Looney Family Vacation...

Spring Break. Just doesn't mean the same when you are 37, married and have four kids to take care of. Remember Spring Break when it meant hanging out at the lake, drinking, wearing a bikini and swimming in the freezing water? I never went anywhere more exotic than Galveston but Spring Break always meant fun.

This year, Moonpie took off from work, the kids will be out of school and up my ass for NINE days and we are going to Mimi's house (near Galveston). All of us. All six of us. In a vehicle that has a maximum capacity of six. Uncomfy. No leg room on account of the diaper bag, toy bag, and all the crap needed in the back seat for 3 small kids (not counting the magazines and iPod for a 15 year old--who will ignore everything--lucky wench).

Moonpie hates to talk while driving--he likes to think (what? what is *thinking*? who has time for that?). Calie will be plugged into the iPod. Which will leave me to referee. Read "The Foot Book" 1,500 times. Sing "The Wheels on the Bus"--all 300 verses. Change 2 dirty diapers on he side of the road, while balancing on my knee a 19 pound, flopping, fish out of water baby boy who only wants to rip his testicles off and test the texture of poop with his fingers. Luckily I can make either Claudia or Carson sit in the front with Moonpie and Calie. So, I will sit in the back between Caden and the other--who will whine because THEY have to sit in the back. I can hardly wait to pack 700 lbs of clothes for everyone (just me and 3 of the kids, the others can pack themselves!). And remember the sunscreen. And baby wipes. Baby food! Every medicine that has "Chilrens's" or "Infant" in the name that exists. Then the visit itself. Someone else's house. I have to protect their belongings from drool. Being climbed on. Broken. Stolen (Claudia). Try to keep everyone on some semblance of schedule and order--or they will terrorize me when we get back and it will take 3 weeks to get them to bed on time. Wake up and not act like "GrumpleStealsKin".

Aught to be fun, huh? Plus we have to bring two small yappy dogs, in that vehicle. WITH US. And clean up their pee and poop--since Mimi's dogs (2 yappy Yorkies) are supposedly "paper trained"--but they miss the paper more than they mark it--so my dogs will think it is a free for all when it comes to urinating and defecating. AND *my* dogs will be accused of allllll the poop. 'Cause her boys are "paper trained"! Also, I am SURE it will be my responsibility to find someone to feed 3 bitchy cats and 2 HUGE labs--and feed the horse while we are gone.

And they call this a vacation? From what? The only good thing? I can buy alcholic beverages in the GROCERY store there!!! We leave Monday AM and get back Thursday AMish/afternoonish. Miss me ok? Maybe I will update while there--but I may not have time. Can you believe that? I will have less free time on vacation that I would if I stayed home!

(Dont think I havent already thought of sending everyone on vacation while *I* stay home!--that was majorly vetoed)

(*humming*)...I Am A Bad Girl...

I forgot to tell you that Dr Tinkerbell Hogan gave me a RX for....Darvocet. Did she not READ what meds I am on!!?? Did my Ancient, Father Time PCP not tell her I was a depressed, suicidal (well, not this week), anxiety ridden FREAK?! Obviously not. So, I took one last night. I don't know if I took it because I was in pain so much as because Claudia screamed at me (keep in mind she is 5, in Pre K, has ZERO bangs due to a mishap with a pair of Fiskar's...) "I hope you CHOKE on an apple peel!" All because I wouldn't make her a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. That will really make you feel loved and appreciated. After contemplating on spitting in her mashed potatoes (I did not) I popped a darvocet. Which may have helped--because about 30 minutes later I couldn't care less if she ate a dirt sandwich!

I might have slept good last night--but Caden is fighting another illness. He is so restless. Snotty. Boogery. His cheeks are red (he always gets an eczema flair up close to sicky times). But he also is courting 2 top teeth. They haven't decided to come all the way out...but the gums are so swollen and the skin is strained. He also has the SMELLIEST poop when he is sick/teething. omg. Why can't crap smell better? My life is so full of shit (literally) that it really would make my days better if it didn't smell so bad. Caden has pooped 3 times (I gagged 2 times), Carson pooped once (but enough for 3 grown men)--he was impressed with the size and color--I was impressed with the stench. I skipped lunch today because of it. Great diet aid.

Oh! And one of the dogs who will remain nameless (POPCORN) who doesn't like to get her toes wet with the morning dew has taken to crapping on the *Welcome* mat--now what sort of message are we sending there? Right between the 'W' and the 'e'. "Welcome to the House of Shit"? "Welcome, but leave your shit at the door?"
Good thing she is semi cute or I would feed her to the hawk that keeps flying over trying to decide if she is a rat or a roach.



Gotta go do some chores that does NOT include poop. Laundry and Dishes. Two more things I could live without doing. And I always seem to have ALOT of that to do.

PS: "E", my ho haa, 'gina, twee twa, or vah-jay-jay is clean. #1. It is rarely used by anyone other than me (no. really. RARELY.) and #2 I don't sweat. I refuse to do anything that causes me to perspire. That's one of the reasons I have about %50 body fat. *I* don't weigh an ENORMOUS amount for my height (5'7", 150#) but ALL of me is cellulite and chicken fat. But my fat is clean. And my jello-knot is about the size of a boiled egg yolk, but not that round. More flatter and gelatinous. But thanks for the giggles--I would giggle too but it causes my vah-jay-jay to shake like a bowl full of jelly(O)! tee hee

And If Cancer Isn't Enough--You Can Have THIS too...

I think that in my last post I forgot to mention that I have this "hip thing" too. Surely you remember the posts about the "quack crack" doctor... Remember? My first visit to a chiropractor? Aha. You remember. Well, I mentioned to my PCP at my last visit that obviously the pain in my hip wasn't my depressed mind's way of giving me physical pain. I know this because I have been feeling somewhat NOT depressed. I also haven't been having as many thoughts of ODing on Vicodin and killing myself as much!! Let's celebrate!

But first, back to my hip. I went and saw a "sports medicine" doctor today. She was a slight person. Short hair. Looked like she was kin to Tinkerbell. I mean that in a purely jealous way. She grabbed my leg and man handled me like *I* was Tinkerbell and she was Hulk Hogan. I went there to find relief for the constant pain I have been in for years--and left there in the worst pain I have been in--in years!! She had (another)set of xrays taken. I explained to her in the most simplest of terms where my pain IS ("If I was Barbie and you RIPPED my leg off--then tried to jab the leg part back into the hole--THAT is where it hurts."). There (of COURSE) was nothing on the xray. So she comes to the medical conclusion that it is "soft tissue". Says I obviously injured my hip flexor awhile back and then with all my coddling of that leg...I put all my weight on the other leg. Favor it when sitting, walking...well, even breathing, that I have caused it to tighten in such a way that my range of movement (pain free movement) is quite limited. So, lets MOVE it she says. She wants me to go to physical therapy in a heated pool 2-3 times per week for a month--then reevaluate it. Which in MY mind means: We aren't sure WHAT is wrong with you lady, but we will take your copay for a good month--then try something else when that doesn't work--haha!!

So I had to go buy a swimsuit. oh gawd. I won't depress you with THAT story. Just know that I have one. And even tho I look awful in it--if I see ONE geriatric patient in the pool that looks better that me--I will die. Of embarrassment.

I'm sure I'll get to bore you with even more details of my hip escapade. So now I have decided to put off the vah-jay-jay crap until it hurts me worse than the hip. I am falling apart people. Piece by piece.

Am I A Hypocondriac(sp?)...?

I am convinced I have cancer of some form. Yesterday I felt like I had/have cancer in a mole on my side--right where my new bra sits--sorta in my rib area, under my arm. Ya know where I'm talking about? Well, I have this crusty mole that I pick at and pick the crusty off--it will scab up, heal then get crusty again. I know, now you can no longer look at me the same way--but it beats picking crusty boogers, right?! I know it's not *normal* and I've been seeing my reg ole PCP quite regular since my "hospitalization"...But I never tell him. Why? 'Cause I know he will want to cut it off with a Swiss Army knife and then burn/cauterize my delicate skin--and I will sit there smelling my scorched skin...Watching the smoke drift into the air...Then wait a few days to get the ALL CLEAR! Or CANCER verdict.

But today. Today is worse. Today I am convinced I have cancer of the vah-jay-jay. Or Twee Twa. Or "'gina" (as Claudia calls it). I have a cyst like, jelloish, squishy, knot like thing on the pubis area of my hoo ha. Only on the left side. So it isn't like my vah-jay-jay is just "fat" (like the rest of me). If that was the case it would look normal(er). But it's only one side. One side is fat--the other skinny(ish). And the jello/cyst? It is movable--but not like MOVABLE. Hard to describe. Please have no fear--there will be no picture posting of this anomaly. I can barely bring MYSELF to look at/touch it. And now I feel the need to call my OB/GYN. "Ummm, I need to see Dr. L, please" "And what seems to be the problem?" "Ummm...My vah-jay-jay is fat on one side?" "Explain that please" "Ummm...It isn't a lymph node. It isn't an ingrown hair...And it isn't some freaky-deaky strain of VD. It is like jello has been injected under the skin on one side of my vah-jay-jay." "Ms. I really have no idea what you are talking about. We will see you this afternoon at 2PM" Then I imagine EVERYONE will want to go into the exam room with me to see a vah-jay-jay filled with Jello. Then Dr L will tell me that one side of my vagina needs to stop eating cookies and needs to get more exercise. sigh.

Oh. And my lower back is KILLING me, as is my hip (still). I go see a sports medicine doctor (a orthopedic?) on Thursday. I hope it isn't cancer eating away at my bones.

PS: I am in no way making fun of people who actually HAVE cancer...I am making light of the fact that *I* can't stop my anxiety ridden mind from making every ache pain and Jello cyst be CANCER. If I offended anyone, I am sorry and you shouldn't read anymore of this blog 'cause I will certainly offened you about SOMETHING else. Fer sure.

More Pictures Of Nothing Really...

I Suck Lizards...

I am awful at cleaning. I SUCK. At home and at trying to fix my links. I screwed something up and now there are NO links. I might try to figure it out later and I might not.

Just know that "E" at: http://www.myfuckingeye.com/

and "Y" at: http://ebonymommy.com/blog/

and SQ (who never updates--so, hmmm...you might get tired of looking for something over there--but you can bitch at her like I do and maybe she will post?): http://scoutmom.blogspot.com/

and Heather, oh Heather...how I love me some Heather: http://dooce.com/

Are my favorites.

Like the new me?--but I sure have aged since that last picture...and it's only been 2 years. I LOOK like I have 4 kids. And I LOOK like I've recently been in the Nut House for a week. My eyes look tired. Look at those puppet lines! I need a face lift! And Lipo! and my boobs surgically put back where God intended for them to be! PS: That new Ipex bra from Victoria's Secret? It is the best thing since sliced bread! I am in love with my bra!! I can't keep my hands off myself...hee hee!



And here's a few from our outside in the back yard day...(Saturday):

Nanny and the kids hiking into the "woods":



A bunch of pinecones on the ground, a lil taste of East Texas:

I Gotta Do Some Cleaning...

And reorganizing. And redecorating. Of this blog here. So, hopefully today--but tomorrow fer sure! I'm gonna get my links right...So you can see who I LOVE LOVE LOVE..."E"..."Y"...And the part time player: SQ. I'm gonna post PICTURES. And a new one of ME on my profile. So you can see my bangs and brownish/muddy hair. I took some "nature shots" yesterday that I want "E" to see.

Me and the (little) kids spent sooooo much time outside yesterday. We all got a tad bit of sun on the cheeks and Carson has pink ears that I want to nibble off. And that attractive farmer neck. We picked up rocks in the pasture. ALOT of rocks. We have an infestation of red rocks. That's why we like to call our little piece of land 'Red Rock Ranch', cause that's what we have the most of here. We played chase. Hide n go seek (the doghouse was the favorite hiding spot). My Mother In Law (AKA Nanny) was here...And so were Erin's (a friends) two girls. Nanny took them on an 'exploration' of our property. We only have a 3 acre pasture...But 3 sides of the fence line are wooded sorta. So we wove in and out of rotting tree limbs. Looking for 'treasure'. The dogs (all four) and one of the cats went with us. It was a grand ole time. I even discovered that there is a creek that runs right behind our property! eeeeek. I see Carson diggin' in the mud back there in a few years. Or getting snakebit. omg.

I told you that I took Caden to get his ears checked on Thursday right? And they were "clear"? Welllll, last night he had an awful night. Crying. Whimpering. At first, at 11PM, I thought "maybe too much playing outside yesterday--over tired"? But then again I don't think so much after my Trazadone tablet takes effect. But, later, at around 2AM--after standing/wobbling beside his bed, patting him, offering a bottle (which he flung across the crib), trying to find the perfect pootie (paci), changing his diaper, finding his favorite night night blanket--it came to me: he sounds like he is in pain! He was even growling, like he was getting pissed off...So I went and got him a dose of Loratab. THAT did it. After about 20 minutes he went to sleep and didn't wake again until 8AM. When I fed him breakfast I saw what appeared to be a honking huge piece of ear wax. Nasty reddish-orange-yellow in hue? So I dug my pinkie nail in his ear and snagged it--but it wasn't wax. It was all crystally-sandy like. A discharge? I Dunne. You think that was it? Please tell me that his ear drum didn't bust! Not while I stood there--swaying in a trazadone high. Should I take him to the doctor? sigh.

OK, I might try to get some pictures uploaded onto photobucket--keep checking back for PICTURES! But I might email some of the nature ones to "E"--wouldn;t want to bore you with all the pictures of rocks and pine cones.

Lata Tata.

Shopping With My Sistah (AKA: I Got Waxed)...

I asked my sister to go with me today on my "Day Off". PS: Robin, if she called in sick--she really was--she threw up at least twice--maybe 3 times.

First, let me tell you that Moonpie and I got into a squabble a few days ago. Over my housekeeping skills. Really, it classified as WWIII, but for the faint at heart I will just call it a squabble. I told him that I was taking Wednesday off and that HE would be responsible for taking care of the (ie HIS) children AND the house while I went "somewhere" allll day. AND he had to clean... He asked me "where are you going?" and I replied "ANYWHERE but HERE".

So, I needed a bra that a)fit me and b)wasn't a nursing bra. I have a coupon for $10 off a Body By Victoria bra and a free panty! Plus they will actually MEASURE you. I told the chick I was a "36 long"--she claims I am a 36C...whatever. We went to a discount store first and SQ bought sinus medicine, then she threw up in the bathroom while I waited in line at the register to purchase a $3.00 (clearance people!) massager...for my HIP, ok?! I JOKED that I was naming it BOB...Battery (no cord!) operated Boyfriend. And a man in line heard me...I was mortified but none the less amused. Then we went and got our haircut. I got about an inch off--SQ got 10" cut/whacked off. Enough to donate to Locks of Love!!

Then we went to the mall. And I got a wax job!! On my eyebrows!! My first time EVER. But I was confused...because *after* she ripped, what she claimed was only a "few" hairs out, she PLUCKED alot too. I do look fetching tho. But not right now...right now I am sitting at the puter in my panties--no bra, with haircolor on my 'do (going back to my "root" color, which is in the "brown family". PS: Bob is still in the car and I am home alone. hee hee. But back to our trip...Then we ate (ok. We ate BEFORE I was waxed but I am not going back and redoing my story--)at Chicks fill A (I know I misspelled it, I meant to).

THEN, we went into Victoria's Secret. SQ told me Victoria's secret: She is an expensive tramp! I got measured. Then realized I left my coupon IN THE CAR!!! So, I will get a new bra (maybe 2) tomorrow. Gotta take 2 kids to town for check ups and ortho appointments!

But the killer? I walked into a CLEAN house. And he has them at the park. WHY!? Why can't it be hard for him like it is for me!? It's not fair. It's not.

Ok, gotta go, the timer is going off...gotta wash that fake blonde outta my hair....

I Heart You...

Awwww, you guys?!! You are too sweet...and obviously I am a creep--it has been almost a week since I last wrote. Let's see, what has happened since then?

OH! I got my meds...90 days worth! So I will be sane for at least another 3 months!! Yippee! (sigh) So, let the games begin!

Claudia cut her hair. She was doing "crafts" and didn't like that her bangs were in her eyes so she grabbed her hair at the scalp and "snip"! She looks retarded. Or just darn silly. Can't wait to see what they say at school.

Carson is on a tear. He is into EVERYTHING. Backtalking. Poor boy will have a permanent scar on his tounge if he doesn't stop sticking it out--soap burns, ya know. And he has been spending alot of time in the corner for saying "Then I don't love you", sometimes I say "Good to know" when he says it--sometimes I make him stand in the corner. Sometimes I ignore him--my therapist would cringe if she saw that. I should be consistent. HA. I am...I am consistently inconsistent.

Calie went on a "date" last night...a triple date. A girls mom took them to cracker barrel and dropped them off--they met 3 boys there. The boys paid for their meals. Calie said her "date" barely spoke he is so shy. I think she is not attracted to him--but he is to her! haha PS: Moonpie is unaware...he would FREAK OUT!

Caden...10 months tomorrow. He is so funny. He loves his pootie (pacifier). If I have a bottle in my hand and he is in his bed standing...he will plop down on his butt and throw himself down on his tummy, roll over and wait for me to hand it to him. He gets so excited when I open the dishwasher--he can crawl at warp speed to get there before I shut the door--I have to sneak to load and unload it now.

Moonpie brought me and Calie tulips the other day--for n o reason. And he brought Claudia a snow globe with the Disney Princess in it. Carson got a car. hmmmm...wonder what that was about? He also took me to Target to buy a bra that fits me--but there were no bras there in my size--I tried on about 7 bras. I think I am a 36D...but some were too small--some were too big--none were *just right*. I HATE HATE trying on bras. But he HATES HATES seeing me (not that he sees me often) in my old nursing bras. He also bought me 7 new shirts and a blazer. He picked them ALL out. I just tried everything on (yuck). He said it was his tiny version of a "what not to wear" episode. Now he gets to throw 8 items in my closet away. joy.

Claudia went to the dentist last week. Needs about $500 worth of dental work done. It's all my fault. My depression made brushing their teeth about #943 on my priority list--oh, wait, I didn't HAVE a priority list then. I shiver to see what Carson needs done to his teeth (his appointment is next on March 9th). eeeekkkk.

We only owe $600 on Calies ortho stuff--gonna pay that bill off on Thursday. That will save us $120 per month--about what our house payment is going up per month (due to taxes and escrow)! yippee. not.

My sister bought me some scrapbooking stuff. If you only knew how many pictures 4 kids has created. I dread trying to sort them out into some sort of "sort" thing. Sorta. hee hee

A few weeks ago I saw my favorite "loon/druggie" on local TV. He was backlit. And was going by an "alias"...but I recognized his voice. He has had a relapse. I wanted to call him up--meet him and hug the life outta him. I miss him. I should have him over to the house. Feed him and snuggle on the couch and watch the "LoGo" channel! Moonpie/homophobia King would FREAK OUT there too.

I think I forgot to tell you that Josh and Tara (my bro and sis in law) are expecting a BOY--wait, I think I already told you...sorry.

Well, I am putting off writing down all my receipts into the checkbook--then going on line and consolidating the freaking thing. It HAS to be done before Moonpie comes home or I will be grounded. I am soooo bad about holding out on my receipts--it will look like we have $$ in the checkbook--then I (or he goes on line and sees what I've done) and shit hits the fan--blows in my face and then I smell like shit for about a week. So...I better go do it and hope we aren't overdrawn...omg. Pray for me. No. REALLY. Pray.

DO Feed The Animal...

You know, sometimes I feel like a monkey or a jackass even, at the zoo. Here I am in my little cage. You are watching me. Waiting to see if I will eat a bug or throw crap at you... Ooo Ooo Ahhh Ahhh. I am semi housebroken. And I like for the visitors to visit. I do. You wave at me and I'll wave at you. But if you want me to do tricks. Really stupid tricks...You have to give me something people.

Like most bloggers I crave attention. I want you to give me a comment people! I see you--sneaking over here. Would it kill you to give me a crumb? Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Monkey wants a banana please. I'll give you one back too--ok?

OK, This Will Be Soooo Quick...

It is 12:45PM and I am still in my PJ's, the house is a WRECK and I'm hosting a birthday party tomorrow...Carson is in his underwear and Moonpie comes home today around 3PM. EEEKKKK.

Caden was diagnosed on Valentines Day with ear infections in both ears (AGAIN). This is the fourth round of this since Nov 15th. Ugh.



Carson and Moonpie went to Dallas Wednesday, spent the night. They had a BLAST. Went to a few hunting/fishing/camping stores and basically *looked* at everything. When you are 4 looking at stuffed beavers, bears, deer, otters, coyotes and watching live bass fish swim in a tank and pretend riding around in new ($$$)boats is FUN.



Calie...hmmmm. Same ole same ole. 15. Hermit-like. Subway obsessed.



Claudia. My sweet girl. She is America's Next Top Model--check out her pose/makeup and hair! She did it all herself!



Almost 2 weeks ago I got a form letter from our insurance company. Seems they are discontinuing to cover Effexor XR. *With* insurance it costs me about $35.00 per month. Not bad. Without coverage it will be something like $135.00 Needless to say... I was/am anxious. My doctor (remember Mr Personality {not really}?) didn't prescribe it to me--a real HEAD doctor did while I was in the Shrink Hotel (Looney Bin) but then my doc continued my prescription based on how well I do (most times) on it. So I freeaked thinking that my doc will not have a CLUE about putting me on something else... Then I find out that Effexor doesn't HAVE a sub. It is in a "class" by itself. Greeeeeeeeat. So, I went to my docs and had them write a 3 month RX...I'm gonna see if I can get a 90 day supply--that way I will have 3 months to find a new drug. wean off my Effexor--ramp up on the new stuff. OR plenty of time for me and my doctor (who is a big pussycat--he couldn't scare a flea) to fight the insurance company. I mean, you would think they would rather pay for my meds over paying for another in-patient stay. What do you think? $100.00 per month or $15,000 for 5 days? Or longer. hmmmm. They really don't want to fuck with a crazy chick. I *was* suicidal--homicidal could be next (I'm kidding in case you don't get my sense of humor)!!

My new dog "Halo" (who was an angel in December at 7 weeks) is contemplating a name change to "Pitchfork" or "Forked tongue" or "Lucifer"...He has chewed up about 10 pacifiers (or "pooties", as they are called by ME). He gets so happy sometimes that he weee-weees on you (Or my sister. Or the new friend I had over here a few days ago). He is quickly turning into a shithead. But he is SO darn CUTE.




Josh and Tara (my bro and his new wife who is pregnate) are expecting a BOY in July. I am so thrilled. Gotta go through my baby boy clothes now!!

My sister FINALLY updated her blog. After I threatened to bring Carson over for a few days if she didn't do it. See the address below. OH, and if you have a quick connections, go see: www.hurricanehead.blogspot.com There is some funny crap over there (not really crap--stuff). I saw about 30 seconds of video--took me 3.2 days to download (slight exaggeration) but it was so funny.

Gotta go. Things to do. Later gators

PS: Therapy appointment yesterday. Another verification that I am screwed up and that it may be too late to reprogram my brain--or maybe it is just too much work--If I got paid for trying to be sane I would already be rich--it is HARD work. And I am lazy.

The Fantabulous Four...

Carson will be 4 on Saturday. FOUR. Seems like last week he was 18 months old. Now he is almost four. A few weeks ago he started drawing his version of people! You know. They are big, round. No true "head". Just totally potato shaped. With long, string like arms and legs, no feet, no fingers. They just flow off the page. Huge eyes. And a straight across mouth. just "_________" like that! Some have scibbles of hair across the top. If you have hair. Some are bald. But ALL of them have smaller circles where their belly buttons would (should?) be. And then a scribble inside the smaller circle. I thought it WAS the belly button. But it seems we all have babies in our tummies. Daddy does. Claudia does. Everyone does.

He has been quite sweet lately, too. I have been proposed to daily. But I have to wait til he is "beg an srong" like Daddy is. But if we have a fight I am threatened with "ten I'm not gunna marrrry yew!" I tell him I'll be OK. I already have a husband right now. He doesn't care.

Sneaky. Oh, so sneaky. I just asked him what he was doing (can't see or hear him). The "nuttin'" always gives 'em away, doesn't it!? He was spraying Febreeze onto the cereal box. His reason? 'cause he wants cereal! geez.

He goes to the dentist Thursday. I'm making Moonpie take him. I will break out into a sweat and hives if I take him (plus I have a therapist appointment). Not because *I* am afraid of dentist--but because I KNOW he willl Frrrreeeeaaaakkkkk. He is so liable to bite someone. Or something. Moonpie has tons of patience for this sort of thing (mainly because there will be witnesses). He will be able to reason with him. I refuse to "reason". It just prolongs the tantrum, in my opinion. When someone needs a splinter removed with aid of a needle or they need to take medicine that taste like bubble gum flavored rat poison or even if they need drops inserted into their eyes--Moonpie has to do it. I want to hold them down and GET IT OVER WITH! He wants to take a 45 minute break and talk to them about how the medicine will help them feel better. The splinter will fester and get infected and they may need to see the DOCTOR for a (gasp!) shot. Or he will hem and haw about the drops and that it won't take but a second (plus 45 minutes) and then it will be allll over. Just the other day I was deeep cleaning my bedroom--took the mattress and box contraptions off (we used to call those boxed springs--but there are no springs in mine?)...and vacuumed under my massive king sized ship...um bed. And the I used furniture polish. Oh how it gleemed! Then as I was making the bed I heard "sssss". Claudia was trying to spray the polish. About then she did--into her face! I asked if she sprayed it in her eyes. She did. The can says flush with water immediately. I call to Moonpie. We go into the bathroom and she starts to freak out when she hears that we will have to pour water in her eyes. I swear...he started to reason with her. I said "Come ON! It says immediately--not after you explain it to a 5 year old!" Luckily he saw my reason (for once). You would have thought we were pouring finger nail polish remover into her eyes. But in 4-5 minute it was OVER. and she was fine. Bet she never sprays something in her eyes again.

OK, back to Carson. He is finally jealous of Caden. He tells me to "put him down". "There is only room for one boy in your lap--ME!" I've seen him push him down. Drag him by his legs down the hall (to get him away from a toy). Caden thinks he is the silliest thing around. Brotherly love. My first tiny boyfriend is getting big. Pre-school in July. A small bike with training wheels on Saturday. I hear him telling Caden now, in the kids room: "Babies can't play with that. Give it to me!"

He will be "beg an srong" soon. And I will be his Mama. Always.