Update On Me...

First of all I am better. I am not WELL. But I am making progress every day. I am learning to exchange negative thoughts for positive ones. Learning to accept compliments. Learning to set up boundaries. Learn that I am NOT Super Mommy/Wife/Friend--that no one is. Learning to lower my own standards--and my voice. Deep breathing. Positive self talk. Trying to think about my feelings BEFORE I show my ass (or bad behavior). Learning to communicate when I need help--or just to talk.

Tomorrow is my last day of intensive out patient therapy. I've had 56 hours of therapy so far in the outpatient hospital (not counting the therapy I received while in inpatient (tell you all about THAT later). After Thanksgiving I go to see an outside therapist--maybe only once per week!!

I am still depressed. Still have immense feelings of being unworthy. Of guilt. But no more thoughts of suicide--I've thought about tearing up (in my mind) my "plans"--but I haven't gotten that down yet. But I don't want to do it(suicide). I never want to feel that ill again. But I can tell I am on the road to recovery. I am sleeping better...Even slept SIX hours the other night!! yehaw!

My Mimi has been here since Nov 4th. Cooking for us. Picking the kids up from school. Cleaning some. I have enjoyed her company. I can't imagine this without her.

I've lost 6 pounds in three weeks. The meds make me not hungry. So I haven't eaten alot. But I am drinking Ensure or SlimFast--not just NOT eating anything.

I've emailed some of my new friends from inpatient. Our Group really bonded. As far as I know everyone is still doing good. Except for one elderly lady who is bipolar--she had to be readmitted the other day--I am sure she will be sent to the State Mental Hospital for long term. They were trying to get her in the last time but she was freaking out--but this last time might be involuntary. A few of us are meeting for lunch soon. It will be nice to see what everyone looks like when they have access to hair dryers and hairspray and makeup or normal clothes haha. The day I was admitted I was wearing a pair of Moonpies jeans and one of his shirts--now I have a new wardrobe, new hairdo and even a PURSE (that can not double as a diaper bag)! They might not recognize me!

It's 9:30PM now...I've got to get ready for bed, tomorrow is my day to get everyone ready for school.

PS: Mimi is calling a few daycares and churches in the area to see about getting Carson into a Mother's Day Out Program--she even offered to PAY for it! OMG.

I Cracked Like A BAD Easter Egg...

This will be short and sweet....

On Thursday Nov 3rd I LOST IT. I went to my Doctor appointment. Moonpie showed up. And my doctor, me and Moonpie decided (after the SCARY tale I told) that I needed to be admitted to the Behavior Health Center. I got ALOT of counseling, new meds (Effexor and Trazadone)...and the support of my new cuckoo friends.

I am still in counseling, but on an outpatient basis now. I go to Group sessions 5 times per week--for 5 hours per day. I AM getting well. I refuse to hide my illness anymore. I will quit trying to make everyone think I am OK if I am not.

I will let you all know how I am doing when I have time.

One Flew Over The Cuckoo Nest And Landed...

OMG! It's official (well, not REALLY). I am officially CRAZY. I just took every online test for depression and they all say the same thing "See a professional, Call 911 or go to the nearest ER." eeeek.

I called my GP today and scheduled an appointment--didn't tell Moonpie, just don't want to hear him tell me in so many words (or less) to "snap out of it". So, my sister will come watch the boys on Thursday. I made my appointment after watching court TV today (maybe it was a sign from GOD?--ummm...I'm joking here--sick sense of humor OK?) but the D. Laney case is being shown--she is the woman who killed 2 of her sons by bashing their heads in with a rock--and seriously injuring her 3rd son (who was 14 mo old at the time). It happened around here--in East Texas. I remember it well. And we used to treat the youngest at the doctors office where I worked (this was AFTER he was injured). I'm not saying that I would injure my kids--I've never felt like taking them--always just me--when I get that low. Which I am NOT that low right now--I just feel. Blah. Bad. Sad. Down. Unhappy. Tired. Lost. I feel like I am in slow motion. And when I *freak* out--it's like I can hear myself--and it disgust me--but I can't stop it. And I say to myself while it is happening: Who the hell IS this mad woman??!! What is her problem!? Get a grip BITCH!

But, anyway, watching her trial made me think about the state of MY mind. And how it needs help. And remember? That bottle of yellow pills is getting low. *This* doctor isn't who prescribed my meds. That was my OB back in 2002. While I was PG with Carson. Since then I have been on and then off and then on again and then OFF again. When we lived near Galveston I got a RX for the 50mg (BIG bottle) then almost right away I got put on the 100mg. So I had both bottles. I have pretty much been putting myself on them for a month or 2 then off for awhile. I guess I start feeling better then think "Ah ha! I am cured! I feel better! I can stop taking them now!" Obviously that isn't the right way to do it. Duh.

So, I get to go the whole route with Dr "Don't Know". Ought to make his day memorable. His demeanor reminds me of That Munster Guy. You know--the Frankenstein one? He's real tall and big. And he shakes hands like a wet noodle. But he's really nice. And he's a good listener. And he always makes me feel like he cares about me. He will either help me or say "Gawd, girl. You are f*d up! Get to the Psych Ward PRONTO!" Either way. I'm getting help soon.

Either that or I'm getting DRUNK!

Happy Birthday, Little Claudia....

Claudia turns 5 tomorrow. We had her party Saturday. My Little Pony cake. Ice cream. Rented a "jumping house"--Moonpie put it on the deck--it was HUGE. Her favorite gifts were a toy cell phone, a dress up outfit and some lip gloss. Oh, and new colors--64! Count!! With a sharpener!





We rented "Robot" on Pay Per View--and then recorded it, so we can watch it 5,000 times (in a row). Carson will be a robot for Halloween. Claudia will either be a cheerleader or a "princess" (she has both outfits). I made Calie a Tshirt, it says "30% rolling eyes. 30% back talk. 30% deep sighs. 10% door slams. = 100% Teenager." She is wearing it tonight--going as a Sullen Teenager. She wanted to go as a hooker and I said NO. And now it is raining. We need rain--but I hope it stops.

Can't believe Claudie Bean is turning 5. Now I gotta go bake some cupcakes to take to school tomorrow! But first, I'm gonna put a few pictures on a few of the older posts--go check 'em out!

The Big Blue Couch...

We had our session (counseling) on Friday. I was proud of myself, I only cried once. Here is the "cliff notes" version:

Moonpie admitted to being controlling and "picky" about the house. We talked for an hour and 30 minutes. Felt like 15 minutes. We each had to list 5 things the other did or didn't do that "bothered us".

HIS LIST: (things that *I* need to "work" on)

1. Take better care of myself (he's talking make up, better clothes, exercising, losing weight).

2. Control cussing (umm, yeah, I do. Like a sailor sometimes).

3. Clean house better (haha).

4. Make Calie do her chores (he says if I do this then I will have more "ME" time...Does he mean time to put on more makeup? Or exercise?)

5. Use my time more contructively (ditto the note on #4).


MY LIST: (things that *HE* needs to "work" on)

1. Undermining me with the kids/interrupting me while I discipline them.

2. Stop being so critical.

3. Lower his (very high) standards.

4. Involve me in financial matters (ie: spending, spending, spending without asking/talking/telling me).

5. Curb/control his hobbies and the time/money they require.

Our homework for the next 2 weeks is that I have to get 30 minutes of exercise per day. This is not for him but for ME. Dr Shrink (not her real name, obviously) said that I have low self esteem (duh) and that getting away from the house and recharging my batteries will help--and the weight loss and attention from the weight loss (from Moonpie) will just be an added benefit. His homework is to try not to be critical AT ALL. OH! And she said "no sex for 2 weeks" (hahahahaha--EASY!!!).

We left and hugged in the parking lot. I felt better already. It was hard to hear some of the things he said--and I'm sure he was shocked that I could actually talk (not scream) and I think he really listened. We are supposed to put our lists up where we can see them every day. Mine's hanging on the bathroom mirror. I have worn make up every day since. I walked 2.7 miles Saturday AM (omg). Then jumped in the jump house we rented for Claudia's birthday party. I thought my legs would fall off. I asked him Friday night "Do you think it [the counseling] will help?" and he said (in a joking voice--but COME ON!) "I think it's a waste of money." I looked at him in such a "you dic* head" way--he laughed and said "I'm just kidding!!" But it still hurt--I mean, if he said it there must be SOME tiny bit of truth, right? turd.

Sunday night I took Calie to the mall and bought her a shirt, a jacket and a little purse. Left the 2 kids with Moonpie and took Caden with us. When we got back a friend came over and I was cutting some birthday cake for them to take home (they weren't at the party the day before). Moonpie sees me and says "Are you eating cake!? Have you even had SUPPER yet!?" I thought I was going to blow a gasket. I said "WHY!? I am not eating cake. I am cutting it for them. But if I want cake for supper, that is what I will have." I was sooooooo irritated. There he was, trying to make me feel 4--again. Later he apologized--but geez!

He still hasn't hung his list up. It's in his wallet. This was his idea--he better put out some effort. He better watch it. I am liable to get skinny and in shape then leave his ass and make him pay me child support for 4 kids while I move to the beach, wear a bikini and work in a surf shop (no, I would NOT--well, maybe the get in shape part).

We are scheduled to go back in 2 weeks. I like the doc. I hope it works.

I'm Tired And I'm Lazy...

I can't seem to function. Well, I do. I function in a sneaky sorta way. I do the bare minimum to get thru the day. I get up. I get dressed. I get my kids up (always running late). I get them dressed...Mostly. I attempt to fix Claudia (the Bear)'s hair. I MAKE Carson put shoes on. Sometimes I change the baby *before* we take the girls to school. Then we come home. I nuke pancakes for Carson--or just give him cookies or cheetos. I lay on the couch/recliner and hold Caden. I watch Court TV or Headline News ALL DAY. I nuke soup you can drink right out of the can for lunch! Fix Carson a sandwich and more cheetos--he eats the cheese out of his sandwich and licks the mayo off the bread. I throw all the dirty/wet diaper into the trash (that have laid all over the floor, bundled up all day). Then we go get the girls.

And then, 1 hour before Moonpie comes home, we run around picking things up, putting clothes up, vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher, throwing together a dinner of some sorts. Spray Febreeze...Pour Pine Sol in the toilets...Turn on the dryer (again)... Sometimes it fools him into thinking I have done my "chores" right. And I tiptoe around. Waiting for him to say something, anything. Because *whatever* he says will piss me off. Sometimes I hear him and bitch at him in my head--other times I boil over and snap at him out loud, most attractively (not).

Then at bed time I can't fall asleep--and when I do, one of three kids will wake up and need attending. Feeding. Changing. Patted. A drink. Clean underwear and bed covers. Rocked. Changed again. Fed again. A dog will need me to open the door and scream (in a hushed voice) "Shut UP GUNNER!" Then I lay in bed and try to go back to sleep--only to be awakened twice more before "morning".

I need sleeping pills. And Valium. And a maid.

PS: Tomorrow we start counseling--partly glad, mostly sad.

See Saw...Up And Down...

Yesterday was a "down" day. The kids were awful. I was awful. They were monsters and it was mostly my fault. I was so tired. So sleepy. I don't know why I am so tired all the time. I was in a coma on the couch for most of the day. Carson got into a new tube of toothpaste and smeared it all over his legs and the bathroom floor--I SMELLED it all the way in the living room. Claudia was mean all day. Her new favorite thing to say to hurt my feelings? "I am leaving and getting a NEW Mommy. You are NOT my Mommy anymore!" Fifteen minutes later she will ask "Momma? Will you get me ***?" And I say "Go ask your NEW Mommy to help you--remember? I am not your Mommy anymore." I have no idea where she got this. Maybe the same place she got "I don't like you anymore. I don't love you." Carson says it too. WHERE did it come from? We have NEVER said those things to our kids--or to each other (not outloud anyway..tee hee). I did the bare minimum in the house. It was a beautiful day--yet I couldn't muster the energy to take the kids outside. I didn't even take a shower. ewwwww.

Today is better. Moonpie was extra nice last night. We even...ummm...you know. So I woke in a good mood. Fixed pancakes. Let the baby horse out to the pasture (pics coming soon, I promise) and cleaned the kitchen--I'm talking took EVERYTHING off the counters and bleached it down, scrubbed the sinks--so shiny now. Loaded the dishwasher and swept--I'll mop later. I've folded 2 loads of laundry and put *most* of it away. I fed Caden cereal and bananas. Washed Caden's sheets and blankets and his "floor blanket" too. And emptied the bathroom trash cans (except not Calie's) and the kitchen trash. It is 11AM now and I'm taking a little break. I text messaged Moonpie..."I luv you stud"--no reply yet.

Have a busy week coming up. Claudia has Book Fair this week at school. And a "Say No To Drugs" parade on Wednesday. Mops is Thursday and so is Caden's 6 mo appointment (which I will reschedule for NEXT week). Saturday will be Claudia's 5 year Birthday party. And the new W*lM*art SuperDuperstore opens!!

I'm almost out of Zoloft--maybe 5 days worth left...OMG. I have put off calling the doc. Mainly because I'm a big fat chicken--and because...well, since we are going to see the counselor on Friday (oh yeah--one more thing to do next week!!). I want to talk to her about it. I take 100mg a day--and I really can't feel like it's helping much anymore. I still have tummy rumbling anxiety. Major mood swings. Suicide thoughts/day dreams.

Ah, gotta go--kids are having a wrestling match on my bed--and someone is about to get a spanking...

Is The Doctor In...?

I did it. I called a counselor today. We have an appointment. Next Friday. I was sitting in the recliner today thinking "What are you waiting for? Lightening to strike and make everything OK?" So, I went to the phone book and called someone. A lady. She answered the phone. I asked about fees--she said she had a straight fee for single or couples. $50 per session (1 hour)--and if we need to, she can "work with us on the fee". She asked what the session would be for. I said "Well, we have been married for 17 years and last week he said he thought we needed counseling." She said it was really good that he had said that...that he hadn't "just left", that it showed he was willing to work. I hope that is true.

I called him at work and told him we had an appointment. I think he was surprised I actually CALLED and did it. I even called my sister and asked her to keep the kids that afternoon. Moonpie is off that weekend. And it's the weekend of Claudia's 5th birthday party. I hope it makes for a good weekend.

We've had a little trouble with Calie the last few days. Teenagers are so...I dunno. The least little thing sets her off. She wants to be treated with respect and feel like she is "grown up"--yet she acts so immature. Disrespectful and is very forgetful of any and all responsibilities that she is *supposed* to take care of (her dogs food and water and potty breaks...for ONE). I tried to talk to her. She is so touchy. She has an orthodontist appointment Thursday--I'll see if my friend E. can watch the boys--at least Carson. Maybe a little time with the bulk of my attention all to herself will get her outta this funk. This age is almost worse than The Terrible Twos (Threes and Fours).

Saturday Moonpie brought home the baby horse. She is 6 months old. Very cute. Very affectionate. Claudia named her "Daisy"--that's her "barn name", her *real* name is "Shez A Light Skipper". She let me brush her today. She kept rubbing her head on my back while I brushed her. Sweet. When I let her out into the small fenced off area, near the barn, she was so frisky and trotted all around, holding her tail high and almost skipping. So prancy (that's not a real word). Hard to be real jealous of her right now.



Moonpie shaved Carson's head again. He looks like he's on chemo. I know that with his double crown it is hard to have a 'normal' haircut--but does he have to SHAVE it? Can't he just cut it short? I mean he is BALD. Like an onion. But it does feel real soft--like velvet. I like to rub his head.

Slobber...

I love Caden's slobber. He slobbers all over. It drips from his chin like a leaky faucet. He drools more than ANY of the other kids did. I may resort to making him wear a bib 24/7. The other day he was chewing on my chin (he loooves my chin) and then he was sucking on it--like it was a big ole boob...And he gave me a little hickey on my CHIN! Silly boy. Calie and Claudia think his slobber is toxic. Like it has acid in it and will burn their skin off if it touches them. I am soooo in love with this kid. Aint he cute?

Y's Healing Prayers and a Referee...

Thank you, Y. Your prayers worked. Carson is on the mend. Still not his normal self--but he is eating a little better. He ate pizza AND ice cream tonight! But at 8PM he was ready for bed--while he had playmates here. So, I know he is still mending. Plus, at MOPS on Thursday he was very whiny and didn't want to stay and "play with the guys". He kept asking to go home--that was weird! That is my good news. Now for my bad news...

Wednesday night Moonpie told me that he thinks we need marriage counseling. CRASH! Did you hear that? It was my jaw hitting the ground. I mean, I know he is unhappy. I am unhappy. But for HIM to actually SAY that...strange. Mr. Fix-IT. Mr. "Just snap out of it" (that was his take on my depression) actually said "I think we need to see a marriage counselor." wow. hmmmm.

Part of me is very afraid. I honestly,... My very first thought was "NO, if we go to counseling we will end up dicorced." And I told him that. Because I really thought that if we say OUT LOUD what we really feel that it will be the end. We have scabs right now--and if we start picking at them they will get so infected that SOMETHING will have to get amputated (did ya like that analogy?). We both admitted that we still love each other VERY much--but that we often dislike each other. He says that he wants us to be friends again. He had to remind me that we were friends a long time ago. That he has alot of things that he wants to say--but that he holds back for fear I will "explode". He has a point. We don't "fight" very well. He will say (and this is purely an example) "God. This floor is nasty--when was the last time you mopped?" and I will literally GO OFF. "IT DOESNT MATTER WHEN I LAST MOPPED--I COULD MOP AND 10 MINUTES LATER IT IS NASTY!! WHY CANT YOU SEE THE THINGS THAT I DO--WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PICK, PICK, PICK?! IF IT BOTHERS YOU THAT MUCH MOP IT YOURSELF!!!" I am a volcano--waiting to erupt. He is a nag. I feel like he treats me like a child. A retarded child. I feel like he undermines me in regards to the kids. I feel like he is demanding and controlling and VERY critical. I never feel like I am good enough, smart enough, pretty. I feel like a terrible wife, mother, lover--you name it.

I am sure HE feels like I am lazy. That I throw temper tantrums. That I am irresponsible. That I make mountains out of mole hills.

Counseling will cost $$. Our insurance doesn't cover "marriage counseling". I know *I* need counseling. To deal with my anxiety, anger, depression, mood swings...And insurance would pay for that--or part of it--for a time, I think. But we need help as a TEAM. So, we will try to find someone who will see us, not charge too much and HELP us. Too bad we don't go to church--alot of churches/pastors do that for church members (or so I hear).

After he told me this--we were laying in bed--he scooted over to my side and kissed me--REALLY kissed me. I knew what that meant. Ummm, no. He asked me "why not". I told him "You have had time to think about this (the counseling...That we were in trouble...)*I* am in shock--I need time to think." He said "I just thought it would be a good place to start--to get connected. I want to be intimate with you--to show you I love you." I told him that if he wanted to be intimate with me he could hold my hand. He could snuggle with me. But I didn't want to make love or have sex with someone who just told me that they have been unhappy for years--someone who had been thinking that our marriage was so bad that we needed HELP.

So, hmmmm... Guess I will call around on Monday and see who, how much, when, all that crap. And, he said he is thinking of going back to work on "weekends shift" at the hospital (that will mean about an extra $700 per month)--which means he will be HOME more during the week--could be a good thing--could be really bad.

Y (of http://ebonymommy.com/blog/ ), can ya pray for US now? We need it. Thanks friend.

Sample, Swab, Stick...

Took Carson to the doc yesterday. Had to see another ped--not our regular guy that we've had since 1991. Always hate seeing someone else--but sometimes you just gotta. Carson peed in the bathtub Monday night (as he normally, but grossly does) and by 9AM Tuesday he had yet to go again. So they had us come in. Plus, he was still running fever and ever time he eats one bite and I really mean it, ONE BITE of food he cries that his tummy hurts--so he isn't eating well AT ALL.

They wanted him to pee in a cup (Ba-ha-hahaha). Let's just say that he peed in the cup--and all over the toilet, wall and floor (and his shirt)! That was sooooo much fun to clean up. Then they wanted to swab his throat for strep. Seems there was another little boy in there earlier the same day with NO sore throat, no visible white patches or redness and his test came back positive--so they jabbed 2 swabs down Carson's throat. Then they said they wanted to stick h is finger and test his b-l-o-o-d. OMG. You would have thought they were cutting his arm off with a butter knife. He was SCREAMING. "You are 'urting me finger!! You are making me bweed. I am bweeeeeeding. Help. HELP! Mommy, help me!" OMG. Traumatic--I was scared now. Then we waited for EVER for all the results to be read. While waiting I imagine (high anxiety for me) that they come in and say: "We need him admitted to the hospital! More tests have to be done! He is ILL!"

But they come in and say (drumroll, please...): "It's viral. Nothing showed up in his urine or blood. Strep test was negative. Just give it a few more days."

I took him to the store and said "What do you want? What do you want to eat? I'll buy anything--if you will eat it." He picked out Gogurt and ice cream and some cookies. I gave him a cookie in the truck on the way home--he ate exactly 2 bites then threw up on his night-night (lovie/blanket). Complained of his tummy hurting. I got him to eat 1 piece of cheese last night and 4 cheetos. Today he ate 1 piece of cheese and 1/4 of a cookie before his tummy started hurting. He doesn't want ice cream now. Or Gogurt. Or cheetos. He will drink Gatorade and Koolaid and water. But he still isn't eating. He weighs 32 lbs and I fear he will shrink away to nothing. Or negative nothing. Maybe he has gone so long NOT eating that his tummy rebels at anything?

He has exactly today and tomorrow to eat SOMETHING (besides cheese) or I'm going to...Well, I am going to...OMG! What will I DO!? CALL THE DOCTOR---That's what I am doing. And demanding...Something.

A Da Da...

On Saturday night, right before Moonpie and I went out to eat, Caden started saying "Da Da"--or really, "A Da Da". Now he says it constantly. It is so funny and sweet. It makes him happy. He laughs and says/screams "A Da Da...A Da Da--DA DA DA DA DA!" Moonpie is happy too.

Carson is sick. He has been running fever since Thursday. He has had some nasty loose poops (sorry) and has said maybe twice "My tummy hurts" But then he acts like he feels alright *most* of the time...But he isn't eating good at all. And he is whinnier that usual. I keep putting off taking him to the doctor, since I am SURE that I will pay a copay to hear: "It's a viral thing--just give it time to work itself out". His fever has been as high as 101.7 (under his arm)... and it doesn't matter if I give him Tylenol or Motrin--his fever always comes back before it's OK to give more meds. He has been laying around watching "Go Diego, Go!" all morning--I couldn't even entice him to eat breakfast--chocolate doughnuts even (wfh?!). I hate it when my kids are sick. If he isn't better by tomorrow I am calling to the doc. Everytime someone gets sick my over active imagination/anxiety makes me start thinking cancer or something else just as horrible. Now MY tummy hurts...gotta stop thinking about it...

Calie has been carrying around her 11# doll. We had to pull all the stuffing out of the baby doll and stuff it with ziploc bags of change and pinto beans to make it weigh enough. Then I had to go to the consignment store and buy 3 baby girl outfits--she refuses to let the doll wear the same thing everyday (geez).

Claudia told my Mother-In-Law (who is one of the greatest women on Earth) that her name has "3 silly buses" (syllables). OMG. How funny. "Clau Di A. See?" My MIL watched the kids on Saturday so Moonpie and I could go eat. We ate at a new Italian joint. I was unimpressed with the food and service--but it was nice to get out and be dressed up--DARN! I wanted to get a picture of us--especially since I only wear makeup about once per month now...and wear my hair down (even FIXED). But I forgot. Oh well.

Moonpie is going to the Coast on Friday to pick up the new baby filly-horse. The horse that will suck all our money and "daddy time" away (watch and see!)...I admit it--I'm already jealous of this horse. The inside of my house might already be repainted if she wasn't in the picture. Or pasture. Now, can I gripe a minute? Just a minute? Of course I can--it IS *MY* blog after all... I told Moonpie "Now, you don't have to buy me anything for our Anniversary--we don't really have the money! Really! Just take me out to eat...ok?" So what does he do? Spends about $200 on horse crap (not literally "horse crap"--but horse STUFF)--and buys me a CARD. I'll admit it--my feelings were a little bruised. But I can't really say anything--after all...I TOLD him not to buy me anything. Should have said "And don't buy anything ELSE either..."

Ok, I need to go. I'm watching some old movie on LOGO (the "gay" channel--which I am addicted to--and Moonpie--being the homophobic that he is--thinks I am insane--so I have to watch it while he is at work) and Jim Carey is in the movie--made back in 1991 or 1992. Good day all.

Growing Up...

Moonpie has had a hard time lately with Calie. They seem to argue more. She backtalks him. He loses his patience with her--she doesn't listen to him and follow directions. She is growing up. Horses have been a passion for her since she was probably 3. I mean, if she saw a horse in a pasture while he was driving she would yell out--and he would stop and let her go to the fence--and pet the horse--and he would even take pictures of her on the side of the road--petting some strange horse. We live in the country mainly so that she could have a horse. He has spent who-knows-how-much on the horse--and all the crap that goes with it. And lessons. I told him that she might outgrow this obsession--but he didn't believe me. It became "their thing". They went to shows. Rodeos. Lessons. 4H--heck they *both* are officers in their club. It was what they did together. They were VERY close.

And this year it is changing. Calie got boobs. And her period. And boys are interesting. And now she is on the phone with her friend--talking about boys. And she is wearing make-up and straightening her hair and shaving her legs. She asks my advice on how to hug a boy and "does this shirt look OK?" The other night our phone rang at 10PM--Cliff almost had a stroke. I understand and agree that no calls after 9PM is a good rule. But he really freaked out. He couldn't sleep. He had a long talk with her about "who you hang out with now helps develop WHO you are" and that some boys "know what to say to get you to do things you might not really want to do". He is sad. Horses aren't so important anymore. She hasn't rode her horse in almost 2 weeks. She didn't want to ride in the parade today--she went and spent the night with a friend and went to the football game instead. She is growing up. And it hurts. He has a hard time remembering HIMSELF at 14--and all the things that go along with it. Or maybe he does remember--and that's why he acts like he does.

She is growing up--and away from him...And it's hard. Hard for them both. And I feel stuck in the middle. I understand both of them. How Calie wants and needs to spread her wings a little. And how abandoned and hurt that Moonpie feels. It's almost like they are "breaking up". I hope they can, at least "be friends".

17 Years Of Moonpie...

Today is our 17th Anniversary. I can NOT believe we have been married for 17 years. Get out! No way!

We dated *briefly* (like maybe twice) in the Fall of 87--he is almost 6 years older than me--we met at college. He actually graduated from the same High School I did--but we didn't know each other...He was popular (he dated a cheerleader) I was in Drama (surprised?)...I decided I wanted to be "just friends"--that way I could go to any party I was invited to...He wanted a serious relationship--I wanted FUN. I borrowed $180.00 from him so that I could fly to Kansas with my best friend for Christmas break...I think he thought if he loaned me the money I would realize how sweet he was and start dating him again when I got back--but I didn't (but he really was sweet). That next Summer I ran into him at a Wholesale Club, where he worked. We talked a little--and then I went to work. I called him that afternoon and we made plans for me to go to his apartment after work. That was the end of June 1988. By the end of August we were engaged. We were married in a Baptist church on October 8, 1988. Calie was born in 1991. Almost 10 years later we were finally blessed with Claudia--then God apologized for Claudia (she was/is a little hellion) by giving us Carson in 2002...Then we got the bonus gift in 2005 (Caden).

We have had our ups and downs over the years. But I never once doubted his love for me or our kids. He is the best Daddy. He LOVES his kids. I *wish* that I had had a Daddy like him when I was a kid--Gawd knows he tries to act like my Daddy *now*. He is very opinionated. He like the outdoors. Hunting, Archery, Horse stuff. I like it inside. Books, movies, computer time. He takes care of us. He works his A$$ off so that I can stay home with the kids. He works 40+ hours at the hospital and about 20 for the local Junior College teaching (at the hospital). And he still finds time to pay all the bills--(he was a math major once). He doesn't drink, smoke or go out with the guys...He works out at the gym several times per week, takes Calie to all her 4H meetings and her riding lessons. He listens to Claudia tell all about her art stuff--he *really* listens to her. He takes Carson out and lets him ride the tractor with him when he mows. Takes him to the feed store and shows him all the "tools". When he comes home from working the kids RUN to the door--acting like they haven't seen him in a week--like he is Santa Claus. "Daddy's home!! Daddy's home!!" He plays in the floor with them. Gives them piggy back rides. Watches "Stawberry Shortcake" over and over. In the morning, when he wakes at 4:30AM, as soon as his feet hit the floor he goes into Claudia and Carson's room, kisses them and then goes to Calie's room to kiss and check on her. That always makes me smile in the dark of my room. I won't pretend that he isn't a huge A$$ alot. He is. He is bossy. A perfectionist. He wants things done his way RIGHT NOW. He is strict with Calie. He plays too rough with the kids (Carson especially). And he has lost 3 wedding rings in 17 years (the 3rd one this past week). And I have been known to shoot the finger at him behind his back--that really shows him, huh?! But he is Moonpie. My big red dog. And I love him. Forever. Always. And I know he loves me.

Happy Anniversary Moonpie.

No Rest For The Weary...

Do you know what is worse than being sick? Being sick and having to get up 6 times in the night with a baby that can't tell you what is wrong. Caden is sleeping terrible. Terrible. Awful. I'm thinking it *may* be teething. He is drooling like a pervert and chewing on everything. And BITING my chin. He loves my chin. He says "yummy, taste like chicken!"

I gave him Tylenol last night. He also got 2 food feedings yesterday. One at 10AM and another at 6PM (rice cereal and a little sweet potato). I gave him a leisurely bath with soothing lavender (ha) baby wash. Gave him a good, slow massage with some lavender lotion. Fed him as much boob as he could stand...Rocked him into a coma. Do you think that worked? Nope. So today he is really tired (ummm, me too). He is lounging around. Sleeping thru the phone ringing--me vacuuming. Carson screaming because "Dora" went off the TV. Last night he woke up if a cricket outside passed gas. I don't get it. And I am so tired that I ate almost an entire bag of little chocolate doNuts (not the little package with 6 in them either--I'm talking about 15 of them-OINK). I am so tired. Of course the little sugar high will keep me up--until I crash and burn in a few hours.

My house is such a wreck. The maid has had a sinus infection and has gotten lazy this past week. I am so going to fire her someday. Guess I better get back to Operation Clean Up This Place.

Here's a picture of lazy bones--must be nice to lay up on the Egyptian cotton sheets with your rear hanging out under the ceiling fan. I'll let him catch a few Z's then I am waking his butt up! He will sleep tonight (Please God, please?)...

Do-Do On A Stick...

I feel awful. I am sick. My head hurts. My throat hurts. My voice is failing (darn! How will I scream at the kids?). I feel like crap. It's some sinus/cold thing that, I am sure, is a side effect of Rita. It's cooler here today--in the low 70's this morning. The kids were screaming "I'm cold! I'm cooooold like a popsicle!" That should make my cold clear right up, huh? Steamy weather then cool weather. You know what they say about E Texas weather? If you don't like it--just hang around 10 minutes--it'll change.

Tara (my lovely new sister-in-law) did lose the baby. My heart aches for her. She spent a lot of time over here this week. Just hanging out. We talked about miscarriages (I told her all about mine). And breastfeeding. And just "stuff" in general. It was nice to get her all to myself. We even went to a Scrapbooking Party (hosted by my Sister). Y. From www.ebonymommy.com might be proud that I actually LIKED this crafty thing we did there. We made little pages for Calie (since she babysat the kids for us so we could go). I might be inclined to buy some stuff (but from Wal-Mart, not thru the $$ company) at a later date, like, when we actually have money to spend on fluffy stuff.

Calie had an "almost" boyfriend last week too!! He even hugged her in the hall one morning--and that afternoon I found myself practicing "hugging" with Calie...She needed to practice with me so she wouldn't seem too "I don't really know how to do this and it's awkward"...I told her that I refused to practice kissing if and when that came up. But, he seems to be history now--Calie heard some unfavorable things about this boy (like he pulled a knife on someone...), so she is avoiding him like the plague now. Dodging him in the cafeteria and slinking around the halls. She asked him about it and he said "yeah--but that was last year...I'm really a good boy." But she would rather "just be friends...From a distance". End of next week she starts a project in her Childhood Development class. She has to carry around a doll--we have to make it weigh 10lbs--for 2 weeks. She has to take care of it as if it was her child. She named her (IT's A GIRL!) Riley Anne. She has to take pictures and make like a baby book too. She is excited about it--but embarrassed too. She told me and Tara "A doll is just not a cool accessorie, you know!?"

Claudia had school pictures today. I forgot--so she will look like an orphan. I'm not buying any--they make you pay in advance--before seeing them...ummm, no. Later in the year they will take them again--they show you those before you buy--they cost more, but... the one taken today will be in the yearbook. eeek.

Carson has a new "thing". He has been calling me an "ogre". In public. Loud. Then laughing his head off--luckily his speech is still hard to figure out by most English speaking people. I try to ignore it--but he is hard to ignore.

Caden is a liar. He has been saying "I don't drink out of a bottle" since he was born. I found out that he *really* means: "I will drink anything out of a bottle *except* formula--which tastes like rat posion". So...I guess I will have to figure a way to use that electric pump more often--so I can save up some milk for if/when I need to give him a bottle--like...on my anniversary, which is coming up October 8th--I think we will go out to eat at a resturaunt without any playground equipment!! A few days ago I pumped 6 oz in 8 minutes. I was in shock and awe.

Ok, I need to go feed Ccarson some lunch--and take more dimetapp. I can't breef. and me 'ead hurts.

Storm Update...

It is 11:15AM here on Saturday. We are a little wet and alot of windy. We still have electricity and satellite TV. Cliff is at work, so I had to batten down the hatches myself--and go to the feed store for extra hay and stall shavings. I went down to the interstate to buy Mickey D's for the kids for breakfast--past all the church's that are temporary shelters, the parking lots were full. There wasn't alot of traffic. I guess everyone is staying in, getting ready.

Calie and I went out to get Doc (her horse) up to the small pasture, near the barn. He didn't really want to come up. It was sprinkling, so Calie had her umbrella--which promptly turned inside out. We were laughing so hard. It was almost fun--like a tiny adventure. I hope we still feel light hearted later.

On a very sad note: Tara (my new and much loved sister-in-law) may be having a miscarriage. They live in Galveston county--on the peninsula and are staying near here to weather the storm. I'm hoping it is "just bleeding" and not a true miscarriage. She and Josh were *Oh So Happy* when the test was positive--I hope...Well, you know what I hope. Will you hope with me? The stress of the storm can't be helping...And I know she is worrying and questioning every thing she has done in the last few days. Bless her heart. I ache for her worrying.

I am hoping that the storm was less than expected everywhere. Poor Louisiana. My heart aches for them. They have had way more than their share of crap.

Now, I'm gonna lighten my thoughts and go read a few of my favorite blogs.

www.dooce.com and www.ebonymommy.com and www.myfuckingeye.com and a few others...

That Bitch: Rita...

I know that everyone is about tired of all the hurricane crap--I have a massive headache from watching The Weather Channel and CNN Headline News for days now. But I can't stop. Even tho I really want to. My Aunt and Uncle (who raised me) live on the Bolivar peninsula. So does my lil brother/cousin and his new bride of 3 months, who is also 5 week pregnate. They all drove 5-6 hours a few days ago to come here--to wait out Rita. They may be homeless when it's all over. All of their cars are packed with clothing, cats, dogs and picture albums. I can't even imagine their fear. ALL of their belongings may be gone. Their homes.

We lived on the peninsula once--we moved there when Carson was 5 weeks old. I needed my Mommy to help me with my kids. Help me from going insane--taking a long walk on a short pier. We lived there for about a year--a little less. We have alot of memories there. Christmas on the beach. Ferry rides. Carson learned to walk there. Claudia loved to pick up shells on the beach. Calie had her first slow dance with a boy there...And it may be gone.

My Aunt and brother don't seem worried at all. I guess there is no use in worrying--it won't help, or so they say. So I worry for them. Cliff and Calie have a baby horse there. They bought her from some dear friends that breed, raise and show World Champions. Their little filly was due to come home in about 2 weeks. Mr. L (the breeder) had to turn 20+ horses out to pasture--he could only take 3 with him when they evacuated. Their filly had to be left behind. Calie is so worried that the horse may drown. Or get mangled in the flood waters and fencing...Or starve. It's all she can talk about. We second guess ourselves and wish we had gone days ago to get her--but like alot of people we kept waiting to see what would happen--would the storm turn? Fade away? Guess we shouldn't have waited. Hindsight is always 20/20, huh?

So I keep watching TV. Praying. Hoping. And wondering what the storm will do to us--5 hours inland. 120 miles East of Dallas. People are going crazy buying the grocery store out of water, food, gas. What will the next few days be like? I don't like this. I hope everyone is safe. As safe as can be.

I Just Can Not Believe It...Period.

Today my 9th grader. My 14 year old. My firstborn baby. My "Sweet Pete". My Calie O'Malley.

She started her period today. At school. When I went to pick her up this afternoon I saw her walking fast to the truck. I saw this grin on her face. She was walking so fast...In a hurry to tell me. And I just knew. I could tell. She was giddy. She talked all about it--all the way home. I had to stop off at the store and buy supplies for her (I still haven't started my period after having Caden). I also bought her favorite deli chicken and a chocolate cake--we are celebrating tonight!! She admitted to wearing folded up toilet paper in her panties all day--and checking on it after every class--poor baby.

She said she would never wear tampons. She was afraid it would hurt. Claudia (overhearing us) asked "Momma why is Sissy wearing a coupon?!" I almost drove off the road laughing. I told Calie they made very slim tampons--but I thought it was a good idea to wait on the tampons.

So we made it home and got her set up. And called Daddy. He was happy for her too--and thought we were a little silly--but really!? It is an important day for a girl--one of those days you never forget--I want her memory to be that we were happy and proud of her--and that we celebrated HER that day...

But I'm a tad sad. This is the real beginning of her leaving home. Next will be a car where she will physically drive away...Then college. Then (gasp) marriage (oh, dear Father, let that be after she graduates college, please). They really do grow fast, people. And it's true: Why *can't* they just stay little til their Carter's wear out!!???

Working For A Living...

Today I went to my former employers to return some baby clothes that were graciously loaned to me for Caden (I am in love with "sharing" aren't you!?). It was so weird being there. Some days I am so happy to be home with my kids. I love having time to play outside with them and to color at the table...But today it really hit me. I miss working too. I miss having that "team" spirit everyday. I miss talking with people that are over 14. I miss getting paid in real money (as opposed to the slobbery kisses--which I love). I can't work outside the home right now. I can't afford to. Daycare is expensive. And really don't think I want to work--but I miss it. I miss feeling like I am doing something important. And I KNOW that raising my kids is important--but I don't really give it the attention it REALLY needs, ya know? I miss *feeling* important. Every job I've ever had I was good at. I was. I was never a rocket scientist--but I was always a supervisor somewhere. I made sure that my team worked hard and had fun working hard.

Now I supervise poop. I wash 1-2 loads of laundry a day (and put up 0-1). I cook chicken alot and can pour a mean glass of invisible KoolAid. I use about 7 diapers a day and 20 babywipes. I wash my kids by first letting them "soak" the bulk of the dirt/germs off (which is my blog time). I have eyes in the back of my head and can get small people to "settle" by merely picking up a fly swatter (no swats required). I spot mop my kitchen daily and scrub toilets on a need-to basis. I suck at housework actually. Calie is the cleaner in the house, I'm more of a "straightener". But it's OK. I'm not winning any awards here but I'm not about to be fired either.

I guess I like the job I have now. It's harder than any job I've ever had. And it sure beats wearing pantyhose and heels everyday. Maybe one day I can work outside the home again. But if not--I'll be OK. I like my position--Vice President of my branch of the Family Tree.