Monday, July 25, 2005

Heartbreak Hotel...

Last night Claudia came running into the living room with a heating bag (one of those rice/microwave things) and said "Heat this up for Daddy, he has a heartache". I, of course, go RUNNING into the bedroom to see what was wrong, thinking he is having heart problems again--remember? He spent 1 week in CICU back in August 2002 for heart crap (racing heart--irregular beat). I ask him (he was at the computer) "What is IT!? What's wrong?!" He laughs and says "Nothing. My heart is fine." "But Claudia said you have a heartache?" "It's nothing, I'm just...I'm fine. Just a little depressed." WTF!? I try to get him to tell me what is wrong... He has a "heartache????" and he TOLD Claudia that!? "What are you trying to NOT say...Do you not love me??! Is there someone else!? What!?" And his reply? "It's nothing. Nothing like that...Don't get yourself so worked up--really, its nothing. We'll talk about it later".

When is "later"? With all these kids we never have time to talk. Unless the kids are listening. So, now I worry. About HIS heartache. And wonder if it's serious... Can I fix it? Do I want to? (of course I do!!) ? And wonder WHEN we will talk about it... Or will we? Will it just be something else that "goes away" on it's own? Like so many of the things we *should* talk about, but don't. We really DO need to talk more...And not about "if Carson pooped" or "if Claudia scratched anyone today" Or "if Calie did her chores"... We love our kids very much. Very, very much...But do they get in the way of US!? Yes, I'm sure they do...And maybe that's they way it is supposed to be. Maybe they come first until they are grown and gone--and THEN we make each other first again... Or should WE be first *now*--so that our kids KNOW we love each other and that we are a TEAM. A team that loves them. And a team that will endure all... Even heartaches?

So, now I need a "heartache" manual. Gotta fix this heartache. His and mine.

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